Notice: Gay Marriage Diversion Project

[Johny Joe Hold]

Notice to Citizens of Freehold: Gay Marriage Diversion Project

This notice is being published to clear up any confusion to our citizens by the launch of Freehold's Gay Marriage Diversion Project.

The GMDP was inspired by the legalization of gay marriage in Iowa. Published data show that about one third of the gay couples being married are from out of state. That being the case, your City Government has began a Project aimed at slowing the number of these marriages in Polk County.

Gay couples driving into the Des Moines area on either I-80 or I-35 will see billboards which read, "Gay Marriages Available, Polk County Courthouse, 2724 Trinity Avenue, Freehold." Those of you who are local folks will recognize that address to be the one for Freehold City Hall, not the Polk County Courthouse.

Once couples arrive at Freehold City Hall, they see a sign which reads, "Polk County Courthouse". In very small print at the bottom of that sign is written, "at 111 Court Avenue, Des Moines". So far, most couples have not seen the small print, and instead, have entered City Hall, thinking it is the Courthouse.

In City Hall, they are welcomed and ushered into the City Council Chambers. There, they are introduced to one of our Landover Baptist Pastors who instructs them on the sin they nearly committed and provides them with spiritual guidance they may use in changing their minds.

The City has received letters from both the Polk County Attorney and State Attorney General theatening legal action. These letters, of course, will be ignored.

My thanks to the City Staff and citizens of Freehold for their contined support.

Johny Joe Hold, Mayor

[Oakland "Reb" Griner]

Re: Notice: Gay Marriage Diversion Project

Thanks for posting that, Mr. Mayor.

In the morning I will fax over to City Hall information on the Vision Iowa Community Attraction and Tourism Grant program. I think your marriage diversion program would be a good use of those funds. Also, if the state of Iowa is financing the diversion program, how can they sue you for doing it?


Thanks for overseeing all of this!

[Johny Joe Hold]

Re: Notice: Gay Marriage Diversion Project

Thanks for posting that, Mr. Mayor.

In the morning I will fax over to City Hall information on the Vision Iowa Community Attraction and Tourism Grant program. I think your marriage diversion program would be a good use of those funds. Also, if the state of Iowa is financing the diversion program, how can they sue you for doing it?


Thanks for overseeing all of this!

My thanks to you, Brother Reb. It seems like just one of those Community Attraction and Tourism grants could be used for something other than a dog racing track.

[Levi Jones]

Re: Notice: Gay Marriage Diversion Project

Our budget has never been bigger since you have been Mayor. Clear Channel is telling me the billboards we want to put up will cost around $2500 a week. God bless the generosity of our current budget.

[Dirk]

Re: Notice: Gay Marriage Diversion Project

I like this idea and fully support it! It could not be possible for people to love their same sex as much as you do loving the opposite sex. I have a question though: Is this an initiative by BASH?

[Rev. M. Rodimer]

Re: Notice: Gay Marriage Diversion Project

I like this idea and fully support it! It could not be possible for people to love their same sex as much as you do loving the opposite sex. I have a question though: Is this an initiative by BASH?

I would imagine that the Pastors do their best to counsel the so-called "homosexuals" and show them the error of their ways . . . with BASH workers waiting outside in case the gentle approach should fail.

Do I guess correctly, Mayor? Or do those who refuse the Lord simply receive VIP, front-row tickets to the weekly Freehold Stone Throw contest?

[HTannor]

Re: Notice: Gay Marriage Diversion Project

The Mayor was much too humble to mention an inspired idea he had in connection with this project.

He asked me to help insure these people stick around long enough to receive all the information they really need to know. He suggested that as soon as the couple enters the "courthouse" that I should disable their car. He recommended clipping a few wires under the hood so they can't get the car started.

While they are waiting for AAA to show up, one of the pastors slips into the back seat and continues to counsel them on the evil of their ways.

The Mayor also instructed Officer Richards to stop any AAA truck entering the area and perform a lengthy safety inspection.

Brilliant, Mr. Mayor, brilliant.

[Johny Joe Hold]

Re: Notice: Gay Marriage Diversion Project

Thank you Brother Tanner.

Frankly, I've been surprised at how receptive the couples have been to our efforts.

Their first reaction usually is quite hostile. They normally are only a few hours from home and don't have the wherewithall to spend money on an overnight motel.

When they realize how difficult it will be for them to get to the Courthouse and home the same day, they often convert to heterosexuality on the spot. Praise Jesus.
JJH

[Dirk]

Re: Notice: Gay Marriage Diversion Project

Praise Jesus!

[Cranky Old Man]

Re: Notice: Gay Marriage Diversion Project

Great plan, I am so happy Alfred King did lose those elections.

When they realize how difficult it will be for them to get to the Courthouse and home the same day, they often convert to heterosexuality on the spot.

Praise The LORD!

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Re: Notice: Gay Marriage Diversion Project

Notice to Citizens of Freehold: Gay Marriage Diversion Project

This notice is being published to clear up any confusion to our citizens by the launch of Freehold's Gay Marriage Diversion Project.

The GMDP was inspired by the legalization of gay marriage in Iowa. Published data show that about one third of the gay couples being married are from out of state. That being the case, your City Government has began a Project aimed at slowing the number of these marriages in Polk County.

Gay couples driving into the Des Moines area on either I-80 or I-35 will see billboards which read, "Gay Marriages Available, Polk County Courthouse, 2724 Trinity Avenue, Freehold." Those of you who are local folks will recognize that address to be the one for Freehold City Hall, not the Polk County Courthouse.

Once couples arrive at Freehold City Hall, they see a sign which reads, "Polk County Courthouse". In very small print at the bottom of that sign is written, "at 111 Court Avenue, Des Moines". So far, most couples have not seen the small print, and instead, have entered City Hall, thinking it is the Courthouse.

In City Hall, they are welcomed and ushered into the City Council Chambers. There, they are introduced to one of our Landover Baptist Pastors who instructs them on the sin they nearly committed and provides them with spiritual guidance they may use in changing their minds.

The City has received letters from both the Polk County Attorney and State Attorney General theatening legal action. These letters, of course, will be ignored.

My thanks to the City Staff and citizens of Freehold for their contined support.

Johny Joe Hold, Mayor

Say, Mayor Hold, I've had an idea.

What if we take a pair of lezbeans and a pair of nancyboys and diddle the paperwork a bit and have them marry each other, the way God intended?

That would generate a lot more income for the town, and we'd be doing the queers a favor.

[Johny Joe Hold]

Re: Notice: Gay Marriage Diversion Project

Say, Mayor Hold, I've had an idea.

What if we take a pair of lezbeans and a pair of nancyboys and diddle the paperwork a bit and have them marry each other, the way God intended?

That would generate a lot more income for the town, and we'd be doing the queers a favor.

As always, Pastor, we are greatful to God that you are here to help us. Great idea.

It seems like we could do this. We would need a slight change in our procedures. We often have "entertained" pairs of lezbos and nancy boys at the same time.

If we obtained blank marriage licenses from the Courthouse, we could fill them out in a back office while entertaining our "guests" in City Hall. Once we write the names of one woman and one man one each marriage certificate, and, in some manner or another get signatures, we could offer transportation to the Courthouse carrying the licenses ourselves.

Once at the Courthouse, one of our people could file the paperwork, even paying the fees. The nancy boy and lezbo couples could then have their little ceremonies or pictures and it would not matter because they would not be married.

As you say, Pastor, it would be doing the big favor for these people.

[Dirk]

Re: Notice: Gay Marriage Diversion Project

Let's hope the lieberals don't interfere with their laws.