Are You Close to Cumming? Please Let me Help!

[Michael Hezekiah Esq]

Hezekiah Legal Services, LLC
3000 Freehold Road
Cumming, Iowa NOW OPEN!

Yes, now you can enjoy the services of a Christian legal office with the expertise and strategies that were once only available in Jewish communities. Our fees are reasonable, our services impeccable! We are only a few miles down the road from Freehold's gates. Meet our attorneys:


Michael Hezekiah, JD: Michael has over 20 years experience representing clients for various types of legal services. Jewish by birth, Christian through the grace of GOD, let Michael help you with your bankruptcy, immigration issues, business law, incorporation, deportation, taxation, criminal, civil, or small claims needs.


Tiffany Matthews, JD: Tiffany will wow the judge with her elegant charm and bless you with her Christian humility as she provides services in general civil law, family law, and landlord/tenant relations. She is a fantastic example of what God can do with an ignorant woman who just won't keep her mouth shut.


Brenda Bertendorfer, JD: Brenda received her law degree from the prestigious Yale University Law School and has been instrumental in successfully helping clients with disability issues, problems with worker's compensation, and personal injury litigation. In a wreck? Need a check? Call Brenda today!


Our paralegal: Jacqueline des Amies-Pardu: Jacqueline is a vivacious blonde with amazing qualities. Her friendly, caring spirit exudes Christian love. She is particularly fond of helping young men who are just starting out in business and can draft articles of incorporation, partnership papers, and other documents with efficiency and expertise.


ALL LANDOVER BAPTIST CHURCH MEMBERS RECEIVE A SPECIAL DISCOUNT UPON PAYMENT OF RETAINER! WOW!

"When problems come nigh ya, Call on Hezekiah!"

[MitzaLizalor]

Re: Are You Close to Cumming? Please Let me Help!

Sometimes it's difficult to forget the past and although I have no idea what goes on in a synagogue I would understand if some of the cultural aspects of your previous delusion left a void in your life, a void which Jesus is aching to fill.

What better way to remind ourselves of this wonderful new life than music? So often in waiting areas we sit reading a 1999 edition of Onions Quarterly and haven't you thought "How much better than this is song?" I know I have.

At right is a singer who's message is always delivered from the heart and I'm sure with such a busy itinerary she's often close to Cumming. My suggestion would be to perhaps obtain the appropriate licence for broadcasting one of the syndicated radio stations where she is a regular performer?

I know that you are looking forward to a mansion, fairly close to Jesus, but if you still accept clients from outside the fold they will not always be entirely innocent and such a delightful musical witness as is available here might be just what they need to lift their thoughts from the gutter.

I am very happy to include an example for you which follows immediately.

[Michael Hezekiah Esq]

Re: Are You Close to Cumming? Please Let me Help!

Sister Mitza,


For the experience if nothing else, you should find a temple/synagogue near you and visit. You would be welcomed (or ignored, depending on the day) and you could hear the wonderful reading of God's Word and some incredibly touching music.


Would you consider doing your hair like these lovely women?

[Thomas Taylor]

Re: Are You Close to Cumming? Please Let me Help!

Sister Mitza,


For the experience if nothing else, you should find a temple/synagogue near you and visit. You would be welcomed (or ignored, depending on the day) and you could hear the wonderful reading of God's Word and some incredibly touching music.


Would you consider doing your hair like these lovely women?

I am starting to have doubts about the sincerity of your conversion. Why are you trying to invite the Good Sister Mitza to visit one of those unspeakable hell holes?
Please answer post haste to dispel any doubts myself and others may be having.
Remember God hates liars:


Proverbs 6:16 - 6:19
16 These six [things] doth the LORD hate: yea, seven [are] an abomination unto him:
17 A proud look, a lying tongue, and hands that shed innocent blood,
18 An heart that deviseth wicked imaginations, feet that be swift in running to mischief,
19 A false witness [that] speaketh lies, and he that soweth discord among brethren.


In addition:


Proverbs 12:22
“Lying lips are abomination to the LORD: but they that deal truly are his delight.”


So beware Ex Joo if that is what you really are. I can smell your iniquity from afar.


YIC
Thomas

[BrotherLarry]

Re: Are You Close to Cumming? Please Let me Help!

Dearest Brother Taylor,


You are adorable when your righteous indignation rises to the forefront. I mean that, of course, in a no-homo way. But permit me to allay some of your suspicions. Having worked with Mr. Hezekiah in the past, I can vouch for his conversion. When I first met him, he was a filthy, smelly, cunning Joo - just what I needed for my legal matters, you see.


Because of the ministries of Landover Baptist Church and the love that our community showered upon Mr. Hezekiah, he began to read the Bible - the whole thing, not just those hard parts - and as he has indicated in his testimony, came to the fullness of knowledge that Jesus Christ, our beautiful Savior, was indeed the prophesied Messiah. He threw his vile, untrustworthy soul upon the altar of forgiveness, where the love of Jesus penetrated his heart, making him a new creation. Now, to explain his recommendations for our beautiful sister in Christ, Mitzalizalor:


The Holy Ghost uttered this in mine ear: "Sister Mitza is an eclectic soul, blessed by God with a deep understanding of things poetic, dramatic, and spiritually meaningful. Brother Hezekiah was inspired by Me, the Holy Ghost, to invite Mitza to a temple where she could be blessed by the beauty of the Word and the blessings of the psalms in a safe environment, far from the sinful accountant's office, away from the haberdashery, and miles from the solicitor's sordid influence. Assure Brother Taylor that I will whisper these same things in his ear if he will but seek me."


So I think if you pray, you'll find that all is well. Brother Michael has already begun to show his worth to the Landover community by assisting our Pastor with some long-overlooked legal matters. Let us lift him up in prayer as we do our tested and tried brethren.


I am lifting you up, Tom, in my thoughts just now. Do you feel me now?


BrotherLarry

[Thomas Taylor]

Re: Are You Close to Cumming? Please Let me Help!

Brother Larry,
Thank you for your totally non homo advice. I have taken on board all that you have to offer and after further consideration come to the conclusion that there are a few minor indiscretions with which the good Hezekiah may be able to assist me.


So, as they say, I am coming to Cumming.

[MitzaLizalor]

Re: Are You Close to Cumming? Please Let me Help!

you should find a temple/synagogue near you

If you happened to do an image search you'd find that they plug the scenery around here a bit but the presence of wild koalas is a bit of a give-away really: convict dumps tend not to focus on building synagogues. And convicts tend to educate subsequent generations according to their lights.

To give you some idea, at the time of the Californian gold-rush escaped convicts &/or squatters realised that gold was to be found and many prospectors nipped across the Pacific to try their luck. To what extent would you describe absconding gold prospectors as the cream of society?

[Michael Hezekiah Esq]

Re: Are You Close to Cumming? Please Let me Help!

Brother Larry,
Thank you for your totally non homo advice. I have taken on board all that you have to offer and after further consideration come to the conclusion that there are a few minor indiscretions with which the good Hezekiah may be able to assist me.


So, as they say, I am coming to Cumming.

Mr. Taylor,
Prior to your arrival (I see you're in the godless middle east) be sure that your travel is not interrupted by any kind of ban. I can arrange for your safe arrival if there is a problem. On what day would you like to have legal intercourse?
May God watch over us as we work to undo your indiscretions. May I inquire about the garb you are donning in your photo? One more thing:
Please - call me Mike.
Yours,
MH

[Michael Hezekiah Esq]

Re: Are You Close to Cumming? Please Let me Help!

The law office in Cumming, Iowa, is closed effective immediately.
Any services initiated will be referred to local lawyers and retainers refunded.
NYC, LA, and SFCA offices will remain fully operational.

[Thomas Taylor]

Re: Are You Close to Cumming? Please Let me Help!

Mr. Taylor,
Prior to your arrival (I see you're in the godless middle east) be sure that your travel is not interrupted by any kind of ban. I can arrange for your safe arrival if there is a problem. On what day would you like to have legal intercourse?
May God watch over us as we work to undo your indiscretions. May I inquire about the garb you are donning in your photo? One more thing:
Please - call me Mike.
Yours,
MH

Dear Yid,


Having seen your blatant rejection of Our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ let me just state for the record that I have had nor will I ever have any form of legal intercourse such as you suggest above. Are you sick?
I saw this little joke and thought of you.

[BrotherLarry]

Re: Are You Close to Cumming? Please Let me Help!

Dear Yid,


Having seen your blatant rejection of Our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ let me just state for the record that I have had nor will I ever have any form of legal intercourse such as you suggest above. Are you sick?
I saw this little joke and thought of you.

Brother Tom,
As a True Christian(TM) I have already vouched for the genuineness of Mr. Hezekiah's conversion. Due to some "abuse" he perceives here, he has become a bit of a whiny little <<female dog reference>> of late, but once saved, always saved. I must gently rebuke you in Jesus Name for implying otherwise.
Say, while you're in the states, how about spending the night in my secure NYC apartment? I would love to fellowship on our knees together, Friend.
True Christian(TM) Love,
BrotherLarry