Might I enquire if there are any trainee-positions available within your Vivisection Labs?
It seems my youngest daughter saw your postings on the subject, and was quite taken with them. Though she is only 12 years old, she quite the little scientist! I came home early yesterday afternoon, to the sounds of howling and screams from our backyard! When I went round to see what was happening, I was met with the sight of my little darling covered in blood, grinning wildly, with a severed dog's head in her hand. She looked so pleased with herself!
It seems that she rounded up all the stray dogs from the neighborhood, and began experimenting on them. When I asked her what she was doing, she replied -
"Trying to teach an old dog new tricks, daddy!"
Don't children say the funniest things!
It certainly had me laughing. I was very proud of my little sweetheart. Especially with the severe lack of surgical equipment or decent laboratory conditions at her disposal. Armed with only a handful of kitchen knives, a box of rusty farm-tools, rope, and a blow-torch, she had managed to carry out well over 14 successful vivisection-tests! Praise!
In one experiment, she used a rusty hack-saw to saw 4 legs off a dog, before sewing them back on the wrong way round - to see if the dog could still walk!
In another, she cut a dogs head open, removed it's brains, and replaced them with doll-parts, jelly, broken glass and spagetti-hoops - to see if it would still work!
While in her other experiments she - Tied a fire-cracker to a dog's face, and blew one side of it clean off! Cut open a dog's stomach, and replaced it's intestines with baby-toys and old boots! Dipped a dog's head in gasoline, and set it alight! And she even gouged out a dog's eyes with a screw-driver, and hung it from a tree! Glory! She certainly was a busy girl! My darling little vivisectionist!
I'm so proud of her right now! Though I'm not sure what any of these 'tests' had to do with teaching 'old dogs new tricks', she assured me her experiments had been a complete success! Praise!