I'm not one to cause trouble, but...

[Naomi Ruth Lamb]

I am hoping this will settle some problems within our ladies' group. Remember, ladies, we are representing Christ to those that visit God's Favorite Forum. When we see old biddies clucking as if they were roosters, we present the wrong impression for the church. I won't mention names, because that would be indiscreet, but certain women that have seven pointy-headed children (wonder who the fathers are? so does she) and others that live in a certain midwestern state (hail to the victors valiant ring a bell?) are just making a total mess of things here. I have prayed a hedge of protection from them and I'm sure Jesus is answering me since He ALWAYS does.

I propose that we have a quilting bee sometime in the near future to reinforce our fellowship. Along with Sister Johnson, I'll bring pie. Perhaps Mary could bring her delightful strawberry surprise. I would ask Heather to bring a cherry torte but rumor has it she hasn't had a cherry since sixth grade (blush). Well, ladies, do stop by now that I'm in Freehold. And let's plan this quilting bee soon! Hugs to all!

NRL

[Basilissa]

Re: I'm not one to cause trouble, but...

I am hoping this will settle some problems within our ladies' group. Remember, ladies, we are representing Christ to those that visit God's Favorite Forum. When we see old biddies clucking as if they were roosters, we present the wrong impression for the church. I won't mention names, because that would be indiscreet, but certain women that have seven pointy-headed children (wonder who the fathers are? so does she) and others that live in a certain midwestern state (hail to the victors valiant ring a bell?) are just making a total mess of things here. I have prayed a hedge of protection from them and I'm sure Jesus is answering me since He ALWAYS does.

I propose that we have a quilting bee sometime in the near future to reinforce our fellowship. Along with Sister Johnson, I'll bring pie. Perhaps Mary could bring her delightful strawberry surprise. I would ask Heather to bring a cherry torte but rumor has it she hasn't had a cherry since sixth grade (blush). Well, ladies, do stop by now that I'm in Freehold. And let's plan this quilting bee soon! Hugs to all!

NRL

Most beloved Sister, what a splendid idea! We can use the time to talk about how women are inferior to men, and therefore how important it is to never undermine the authority of Godly Men; I won't name any names, but there were some bitter old maids who were causing some trouble on this particular issue.

By the way, did you enjoy the cookies I sent you?

[Naomi Ruth Lamb]

Re: I'm not one to cause trouble, but...

Most beloved Sister, what a splendid idea! We can use the time to talk about how women are inferior to men, and therefore how important it is to never undermine the authority of Godly Men; I won't name any names, but there were some bitter old maids who were causing some trouble on this particular issue.

By the way, did you enjoy the cookies I sent you?

Oh, I am CERTAIN that the virtues of men might be a part of the conversation, DARLING Sister. However, one must be careful not to fall for the wiles of satan, as I'm sure you'll agree. you foolish harlot

When the LORD gives my spirit witness, I do not question my judgment. Unfortunately, when some feeble minded women become desperate for lustful satisfaction, they tend to be blinded by rainbow-wielding voyeurs. I am not sure why I used that example - it just came to mind. LOL.

Well, my most radiant and adorable Sister in , I send love and prayers and I just can't wait until I am able to wrap your neck in my arms. Glory!

In prayer for your soul,
NRL

PS: Oh, were those cookies for me? They looked like dog food so I threw them to the neighbor's dogs. It wasn't long after until I saw the neighbor heading somewhere with the dogs wrapped in blankets. I do hope the poor dears are ok. I am so sorry. Don't bother fixing more, though; I am able to make cookies, pies, and other baked goods without assistance from those whose abilities are nowhere near mine. Bless your heart for the thought.

[KateSanders]

Re: I'm not one to cause trouble, but...

Wow! Living in Freehold sounds like it would be so much fun! All you ladies have such a strong community and relationship. I wish my family lived there so I could pay you a visit also Naomi, but instead we are stuck in boring ol' Illinois.

[Basilissa]

Re: I'm not one to cause trouble, but...

Oh, I am CERTAIN that the virtues of men might be a part of the conversation, DARLING Sister. However, one must be careful not to fall for the wiles of satan, as I'm sure you'll agree. you foolish harlot

My sweet, confused, little sister. Quite a temperament we've got there, haven't we? Are you sure you will be able to find a True Christian™ husband, when you keep showing these little paws of yours? Be careful, dear, you don't want to be confused with one of these man-hating feminazis!

I have sent you a small present, it's the King James Bible 1611 facsimile edition, with two bookmarks, placed at 1 Timothy 2:12-15 and Ephesians 6:22-24. I know that the entire Bible is hard to memorize (although Pastor Zeke accomplished that when he was barely 5 years old! ), but as a True Christian™ woman you should do your best to memorize at least these verses. You could ask Brother Rusty to teach you some of his post-it techniques.

When the LORD gives my spirit witness, I do not question my judgment. Unfortunately, when some feeble minded women become desperate for lustful satisfaction, they tend to be blinded by rainbow-wielding voyeurs. I am not sure why I used that example - it just came to mind. LOL.

Just seek your answers in the Bible, my beloved Sister. 1 Timothy 2:12.

Well, my most radiant and adorable Sister in , I send love and prayers and I just can't wait until I am able to wrap your neck in my arms. Glory!

In prayer for your soul,
NRL

Oh thank you darling. I knew there was still something good in your dark, cold, little heart.

PS: Oh, were those cookies for me? They looked like dog food so I threw them to the neighbor's dogs. It wasn't long after until I saw the neighbor heading somewhere with the dogs wrapped in blankets. I do hope the poor dears are ok. I am so sorry.

Well, I guess it is due to your feebleness that you are not aware that chocolate is toxic for dogs. My poor little darling! No wonder you don't have any prospects for the future. True Christian™ men like their women to be submissive, but not completely dumb! I'll pray for you. Maybe Jesus will find you a suitable match. Isn't brother Rusty a widower? On second thought, no, he is so sweet, he deserves a good submissive wife.

Don't bother fixing more, though; I am able to make cookies, pies, and other baked goods without assistance from those whose abilities are nowhere near mine. Bless your heart for the thought.

Of course, dear. I wish you all the best, of course. Just keep in mind, dear, that my pies, cakes, and cookies are devoured by True Christian™ Men without me having to advertise all over. Don't you think that it was a little bit too much on your part, pasting the entire Michigan with your not-so-yummy looking billboards? I've even seen one down in Detroit (the East Side), another one in a chink neighborhood in Lansing, and yet another in an Indian reservation in Northern Michigan. (My car's GPS has the weirdest definition of what a "shortcut" is and I was forced to drive through these despicable areas recently). Are you so desperate, that you feel the need to advertise among the lesser races? Can't you find a single white man who would find pleasure in whatever you have to offer?

[Eva_Christensen]

Re: I'm not one to cause trouble, but...

I am hoping this will settle some problems within our ladies' group. Remember, ladies, we are representing Christ to those that visit God's Favorite Forum. When we see old biddies clucking as if they were roosters, we present the wrong impression for the church. I won't mention names, because that would be indiscreet, but certain women that have seven pointy-headed children (wonder who the fathers are? so does she) and others that live in a certain midwestern state (hail to the victors valiant ring a bell?) ...

I propose that we have a quilting bee sometime in the near future to reinforce our fellowship.

NRL

Aww - How I do wish, i too lived i Freehold and was a
. It must bee so nice to have that strong and loving relationship with your neighbours. I hope you have a thrilling quilting bee! And if you need any fabrics, I know a man in Walford

[Naomi Ruth Lamb]

Re: I'm not one to cause trouble, but...

Eva,

Yes, it is wonderful to reside here. Dearest Basilissa does not live in Freehold, choosing instead to live amongst the illiterate tribes in godless Michigan. She has no husband - no surprise, that - but I am sure you will enjoy getting to know her (perhaps it will keep her busy - since she has a tendency to go off on tangents and ramble about the most petty things).

Of course, we do have our "questionable" element nestled among the heathers. After a few prayers, you'll learn to deal with those types should your spiritual journey ever lead you to our gated community. I can help you determine those who will help you develop in your Christian Experience and those best to avoid. Please know that my dearest sister Kate, my lovely sister Mary, and my adorable sister Victory will always be strong, joyful ladies for the Lord.

Our modest, humble, selfless Pastor Ezekiel will be happy to answer your every question (speed of answer depends on your tithing level, as it is in every good church). Pastor Ezekiel's lovely fiancee, Daisy, is a jewel among Christian ladies. Their engagement just seems to go on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on, but I'm sure one day Pastor will know that is is the right time to wed our darling Daisy.

Hopefully he will do so before Daisy's bosoms drag the ground and cobwebs line her special bulbous place - but one can't rush these things, can one? We'll talk privately.

May the love and peace of JESUS surround you today and always!
Naomi

[Basilissa]

Re: I'm not one to cause trouble, but...

Aww - How I do wish, i too lived i Freehold and was a
. It must bee so nice to have that strong and loving relationship with your neighbours.

Unfortunately, dear, even Freehold has its share of less-than-desirable elements, which have somehow slipped through the cracks.

It seems that a certain barren old rag has just realized that Jesus plans to send her to Hell (1 Timothy 2:15), and she is so desperate to get pregnant, that she is throwing herself at every man she sees. (Yes, that includes smelly homeless bums outside of town, and I'm told that she's been seen with some tranvestites and transsexuals - she obviously knows nothing about biology, poor thing). She has also ben known to try to wreck several Godly Christian marriages, but there have been no takers, so far.

[Eva_Christensen]

Re: I'm not one to cause trouble, but...

Oh my - I seem to have put my fingers in a very combustible (and interesting) debate

Naomi: Thank you for the good advise on who to associate with - I will take that into account! Please don´t hesitate on giving me other good pointers. I need all the help I can get, on my wat to salvation

Basilissa - finding a good husband can be hard work!

[Naomi Ruth Lamb]

Re: I'm not one to cause trouble, but...

Oh my - I seem to have put my fingers in a very combustible (and interesting) debate

Naomi: Thank you for the good advise on who to associate with - I will take that into account! Please don´t hesitate on giving me other good pointers. I need all the help I can get, on my wat to salvation

Basilissa - finding a good husband can be hard work!

Eva, Darling,


Don't let a few miscreants whose prayer lives have been allowed to waste away scare you.


Psalms 34:7 The Angel of the Lord encampeth round about them that feare him, and deliuereth them.
Hallelujah!
Once their special time of the month has passed you'll see just how much love we have for one another.


Hugs,
NRL

[Naomi Ruth Lamb]

Re: I'm not one to cause trouble, but...

Unfortunately, dear, even Freehold has its share of less-than-desirable elements, which have somehow slipped through the cracks.

It seems that a certain barren old rag has just realized that Jesus plans to send her to Hell (1 Timothy 2:15), and she is so desperate to get pregnant, that she is throwing herself at every man she sees. (Yes, that includes smelly homeless bums outside of town, and I'm told that she's been seen with some tranvestites and transsexuals - she obviously knows nothing about biology, poor thing). She has also ben known to try to wreck several Godly Christian marriages, but there have been no takers, so far.

My Precious, Devoted, Beloved Basilass,


I'm not sure where you got your information, but Freehold most certainly does NOT have cracks in its gates. Those of us calling Freehold home are well-protected by not only those gates, but a police force, security patrols, Christ's K-9's, and several undercover agents. It keeps out the riff raff quite nicely. Do you truly think Pastor Ezekiel or Mayor Hold (Kisses, Johnnie-kins) would allow our beloved town to fall in the way you describe?


Jesus Himself associated with whores, fornicators, publicans, and other groups with which you are familiar, dear. Are you going to stone Jesus for that? Has His temporary death and resurrection been in vain? Yes, I reach out to sin-sick souls and offer love, compassion, and pie. It is out of my desire to reach everyone I can with Christ's simple - very simple - message that I am often found in less-desirable parts of Des Moines, Detroit, and even (shudder) San Francisco. But I have been able to add to the numbers of God's choir, His redeemed, His faithful. GLORY!


Dear, I am so sorry you couldn't make the housewarming today. I have to get back to the party - there are SO many people here today. We'll think of you now and then as we eat ladyfingers and fresh tuna.


Hugs, my dear friend.
NRL

[Attila's Wife]

Re: I'm not one to cause trouble, but...

We'll think of you now and then as we eat ladyfingers and fresh tuna.

Not a combination I'd have chosen, dear. Is this some regional specialty from wherever it is you originally came from? I'd be fascinated to see the recipe.

[Naomi Ruth Lamb]

Re: I'm not one to cause trouble, but...

Mrs. A:

I'm standing here with Kirk Cameron - such a handsome man - and Kirk, we'll just have to invite your lovely wife next time - but I digress:

The combination of ladyfingers and tuna is not one any of us would consider. As I said, it has to do with Basilissa and the rest of us. Think about it, darling.

Are you sure you won't hop a plane and join us? The party lingers on into the wee hours and then we'll walk to services arm in arm as a group of Christian Soldiers (if Cookie can walk in those heels). We love and miss you!

Seriously dear, let's let these petty differences be in the past. I value our friendship so. I am asking publicly, in the name of Jesus.

NRL

[Basilissa]

Re: I'm not one to cause trouble, but...

Jesus Himself associated with whores, fornicators, publicans, and other groups with which you are familiar, dear. Are you going to stone Jesus for that? Has His temporary death and resurrection been in vain? Yes, I reach out to sin-sick souls and offer love, compassion, and pie. It is out of my desire to reach everyone I can with Christ's simple - very simple - message that I am often found in less-desirable parts of Des Moines, Detroit, and even (shudder) San Francisco. But I have been able to add to the numbers of God's choir, His redeemed, His faithful. GLORY!

My beloved, sweet, Sister! I di truly admire your eagerness to associate with the less fortunate. Bless your heart, you are so awesome! Do you desinfect the entire house after receiving all these homeless transsexual drug addicts? I do hope so, although please forgive me for not willing to come to your house to inspect it personally. I would also recommend that you take a bath after embracing these creatures, and of course washing (in hot water!) whatever garments you were wearing. It will help eliminating that particular scent of the homeless which has been emanating from you recently.

Dear, I am so sorry you couldn't make the housewarming today.

Well, you will have to forgive me, I think I was clear about my reasons.

By the way, have you forgotten, that you had a housewarming party a week ago? How many of these do you plan to have, my dear?

I have to get back to the party - there are SO many people here today. We'll think of you now and then as we eat ladyfingers and fresh tuna.

Like my friend Mrs. Hun has said, it's not really a combination I would enjoy. I'm sure the homeless folks you receive in your home were very thankful for the opportunity of dipping the ladyfingers in your (hopefully) fresh tuna! Bless your heart!

[Naomi Ruth Lamb]

Re: I'm not one to cause trouble, but...

Basil,

Last week's housewarming was for my parents, dear. It must be troubling living in a state with medical marijuana - so tempting and available. It does affect memory, sweetheart.

Today's housewarming was for Blood of the Lamb Estate - my sprawling, quaint piece of paradise just a stone's throw from several True Christian(TM) folk. But we don't throw stones at one another - we love and pray God's blessings for our neighbors.

Just as I love and pray God's blessings for you, darling. We simply must get together in Michigan - perhaps Battle Creek?

NRL