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Freehold, Iowa - Decent Christian Americans are thanking God for single Baptist mother, home school teacher, and Mike Huckabee campaigner, Ms. Tawny Huxton, who came home from Wal-Mart last week to find her teenage daughter, Holly, and her girlfriends laying on the couch in the family room with their skirts over their heads. When Ms. Huxton approached for a closer look, she could see tiny infra-red beams of light coming directly out from between each of the young ladies' legs. "I yelled, WHAT IN THE SWEET NAME OF JESUS?!" Ms. Huxton recalls. "When they saw me standing there, they screamed and pulled the Wii controllers I bought Holly for Christmas out from between their legs! Then they tried to hide them under the cushions while they were fiddling with their skirts."
The next day, while her daughter was at Sunday School, Ms. Huxton put the wet controllers in a plastic bag and packaged up the Wii console. She brought them to Pastor Deacon Fred, who after opening the bag to take a quick whiff, immediately delivered them to the Landover Baptist Secular Media Research Laboratory.
"When we confirmed there were vaginal secretions on the video game controllers, we issued a Yellow Action Alert to Focus on the Family," said Professor Dr. Donald Rawlings. "We also contacted our Christian friend in Japan, Masaru Hayate, to see if he could provide us with more details about the popular Wii video game console. In addition, our researchers started reviewing Japanimation films and Asian adult videos, searching desperately for more information."
After several days, researchers were able to confirm what their Christian intuition had already been telling them. "'Oriental woman use the exclamation, 'Wii,' when they experience extreme pleasure during a sexual encounter outside of marriage," Dr. Rawlings reports. "In many cases the term is also exaggerated or drawn out. For example: 'Wiiiiii!' Our friend in Japan tells us that Wii consoles and their vibrating controllers are found in brothels, sex-shops, and gentleman's clubs - or 'strip parlors,' throughout the island of Japan."
"The Japs are at it again," Pastor Deacon Fred told church members on Sunday. "I let President Bush know from the very beginning that he needs to keep a keen eye on our so-called Asian allies to the East. They still hold a grudge against our Christian Nation because Jesus let us blow up their cities in World War II. We should have seen this coming, since the name of the console itself is an anagram for WWII. They were just trying to be fiendishly subtle, by dropping the first 'W' and calling it WII," he said. "Friends, we can't drop our guard on the Japs. They used Pokémon to get at our children in the 90's, and since we were savvy enough to call their bluff on that nonsense, they began working on another way to destroy our Godly country from the inside out! The Wii gaming system comes off as neatly packaged family fun, but the Devil's fingerprints are all over it!"
Pastor Deacon Fred issued an official press release earlier this week forbidding the ownership of Wii game consoles by any member of the Landover Baptist Church or its affiliated ministries. "Ms. Huxton's daughter, Holly, and her friends will be sent to North Dakota to our sequestered institution for Christian Homemakers and Dementia Ward this Spring," said Pastor. "We thank God that He has revealed to us what this so-called, "Wii" video game system is really all about, but someone has to be punished for it," he further stated. "Young ladies are not like men, the Bible teaches us through the story of 'Eve,' that their fickle minds are easily led astray by Satan's trickery. Holly and her friends will be spared further temptation by spending the next three years in isolation. With no electricity, running water, or access to anything that fits between their legs, they will have plenty of time to think about what they did to soil their mother's reputation and drag our congregation's good name through the mud!
The next day, while her daughter was at Sunday School, Ms. Huxton put the wet controllers in a plastic bag and packaged up the Wii console. She brought them to Pastor Deacon Fred, who after opening the bag to take a quick whiff, immediately delivered them to the Landover Baptist Secular Media Research Laboratory.
"When we confirmed there were vaginal secretions on the video game controllers, we issued a Yellow Action Alert to Focus on the Family," said Professor Dr. Donald Rawlings. "We also contacted our Christian friend in Japan, Masaru Hayate, to see if he could provide us with more details about the popular Wii video game console. In addition, our researchers started reviewing Japanimation films and Asian adult videos, searching desperately for more information."
After several days, researchers were able to confirm what their Christian intuition had already been telling them. "'Oriental woman use the exclamation, 'Wii,' when they experience extreme pleasure during a sexual encounter outside of marriage," Dr. Rawlings reports. "In many cases the term is also exaggerated or drawn out. For example: 'Wiiiiii!' Our friend in Japan tells us that Wii consoles and their vibrating controllers are found in brothels, sex-shops, and gentleman's clubs - or 'strip parlors,' throughout the island of Japan."
"The Japs are at it again," Pastor Deacon Fred told church members on Sunday. "I let President Bush know from the very beginning that he needs to keep a keen eye on our so-called Asian allies to the East. They still hold a grudge against our Christian Nation because Jesus let us blow up their cities in World War II. We should have seen this coming, since the name of the console itself is an anagram for WWII. They were just trying to be fiendishly subtle, by dropping the first 'W' and calling it WII," he said. "Friends, we can't drop our guard on the Japs. They used Pokémon to get at our children in the 90's, and since we were savvy enough to call their bluff on that nonsense, they began working on another way to destroy our Godly country from the inside out! The Wii gaming system comes off as neatly packaged family fun, but the Devil's fingerprints are all over it!"
Pastor Deacon Fred issued an official press release earlier this week forbidding the ownership of Wii game consoles by any member of the Landover Baptist Church or its affiliated ministries. "Ms. Huxton's daughter, Holly, and her friends will be sent to North Dakota to our sequestered institution for Christian Homemakers and Dementia Ward this Spring," said Pastor. "We thank God that He has revealed to us what this so-called, "Wii" video game system is really all about, but someone has to be punished for it," he further stated. "Young ladies are not like men, the Bible teaches us through the story of 'Eve,' that their fickle minds are easily led astray by Satan's trickery. Holly and her friends will be spared further temptation by spending the next three years in isolation. With no electricity, running water, or access to anything that fits between their legs, they will have plenty of time to think about what they did to soil their mother's reputation and drag our congregation's good name through the mud!
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