Brothers and Sisters, I was just chatting with our Creation Scientist Dr. Ernest C. Ville, and he told me about the most horrifying substance. It's called Dihydrogen Monoxide, and he believes it may even be present right here in Freehold! 
He sent me to a website to read some basic information. www.dhmo.org says that:
Well, I was worried after seeing that, but then he told me about some research he was conducting with Landover Baptist University grad students!
What to do, what to do?!
We must fight to free Freehold from the hold of this toxic substance, before we are all contaminated and become depraved sinners! We must be strong against the LIEBRAL conspiracy to contaminate our precious bodily fluids with DHMO!

He sent me to a website to read some basic information. www.dhmo.org says that:
Each year, Dihydrogen Monoxide is a known causative component in many thousands of deaths and is a major contributor to millions upon millions of dollars in damage to property and the environment. Some of the known perils of Dihydrogen Monoxide are:
- Death due to accidental inhalation of DHMO, even in small quantities.
- Prolonged exposure to solid DHMO causes severe tissue damage.
- DHMO is a major component of acid rain.
- Gaseous DHMO can cause severe burns.
- Contributes to soil erosion.
- Leads to corrosion and oxidation of many metals.
- Contamination of electrical systems often causes short-circuits.
- Exposure decreases effectiveness of automobile brakes.
- Found in biopsies of pre-cancerous tumors and lesions.
- Given to vicious dogs involved in recent deadly attacks.
- HOMERSEXUALS have a high concentration of DHMO in their blood! LBU grad students tested 25 Homers and found ALL of them had this compound flowing through their veins!
- WITCHES are known to cast quantities of DHMO into their cauldrons while concocting their evil potions! LBU students in the Department of Faith's Information Acquisition training have confirmed this fact in their polite questioning of known Witches!
- Certain ATHEISTS have been observed consuming bottles of DHMO! LBU Public Relations students have found photographs in online media databases!
- CATHOLICS use DHMO in their Black Masses! LBU students studying cults have brought back samples!
- MORMONS build great expensive fountains which release DHMO vapor into the air, potentially affecting anyone who comes near! The same brave cult-studying students brought samples from a great fountain in Salt Lake City, confirming this truth!
- STARBUCKS is known to put DHMO into coffee drinks, promoting Homerism and Liberalism in the process! Dr. Ville himself tested his own latte to be sure it was safe . . . and was horrified by the test results!
- RIOTING NEGROES are often made docile by inner-city police forces with a strong spray of DHMO! Those Public Relations students found video footage!
What to do, what to do?!

We must fight to free Freehold from the hold of this toxic substance, before we are all contaminated and become depraved sinners! We must be strong against the LIEBRAL conspiracy to contaminate our precious bodily fluids with DHMO!
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