Hello friends, if you are reading this topic, you are either a True Christian™ or a filthy, dirty slut. It is the latter group that I am directing this towards and would like to make clear that any time I use the word "you" or any variation thereof in this article I am addressing the whores reading this.
Now, in case you didn't know, I am an ex-prostitute. Though I am filthy and defiled in comparison to a True Christian™ lady who saved herself for marriage, there is perhaps one way in which my damaged goods are a blessing; they can serve as an example to fornicating harlots like yourselves. If you have an "unsaved trash" under your name I hope you will take my advice for what it is; an outpouring of my True Christian™ love for you and my desire to see your soul be Saved©, you miserable sluts. So, without further ado, here is my practical advice as to how to stop being a filthy whore!
STEP 1: GET A KJV BIBLE AND START READING IT
This is, inarguably, the most important step to stop being a dirty little fornicator. You need a reason to stop spreading your legs for anybody that gives you a smile and a $5 bill. Well, True Christian
™ men have done the research and the facts speak for themselves. No other religion or morality system tells you not to be a dirty harlot
. In fact, the only way you can get the pure, unadulterated (pun-intended!
) Truth™ about what happens to whores is by reading the KJV 1611 Bible and following it to the LETTER
. Just take a look at some of this important scripture from the book of Proverbs concerning your deathstyle choice:
"To deliver thee from the strange woman, even from the stranger which flattereth with her words; Which forsaketh the guide of her youth, and forgetteth the covenant of her God. For her house inclineth unto death, and her paths unto the dead. None that go unto her return again, neither take they hold of the paths of life." Proverbs 2:16-18
"Let not thine heart decline to her ways, go not astray in her paths. For she hath cast down many wounded: yea, many strong men have been slain by her. Her house is the way to hell, going down to the chambers of death." Proverbs 7:25-27
"Whoso is simple, let him turn in hither: and as for him that wanteth understanding, she saith to him, Stolen waters are sweet, and bread eaten in secret is pleasant. But he knoweth not that the dead are there; and that her guests are in the depths of hell." Proverbs 9:16-18
You see, not only are you
going to Hell, every single man
you've ever fornicated with will be there too! All because of your whoredoms
. And before you get any ideas just remember that Hell is a lake of fire where you will be too busy burning in agony to be doing anything else so just get THAT idea out of your head, you filthy slut.
"But the fearful, and unbelieving, and the abominable, and murderers, and whoremongers, and sorcerers, and idolaters, and all liars, shall have their part in the lake which burneth with fire and brimstone
: which is the second death." Revelation 21:8
STEP 2: STOP FORNICATING
The second step in our little program, which absolutely cannot be done without doing the first step, is to STOP FORNICATING. Its really that simple. In fact, I want you all to try this little exercise while you're reading this. Take your right leg and cross it over your left. Go on, try it, I'll be here when you get back.
OK! Now, assuming you're not some sort of Godforsaken cripple, that should have been pretty easy, right? Well, believe it or not, that's all you have to do to stop fornicating! Keep your legs closed! I know this is probably an alien concept to you little strumpets, but trust me, it works! Now, if you successfully completed the leg crossing exercise (those of you who didn't, keep trying! Maybe you'll get it one day.) then you are ready for our next exercise. I want you to go a whole day without getting yourself all spread eagle'd. If you can manage to do that, you should notice that your amounts of fornication for the day have dropped 100%. If you can't manage to do that, well, then just keep trying! Or accept the fact that you are a hellbound slut, I guess. Your decision.
STEP 3: DON'T GET YOURSELF RAPED
Honestly, this pretty much ties in with step #2, but a lot of girls seem to get confused as to whose fault a rape is. It is your fault. You shouldn't have been wearing that skimpy clothing, you shouldn't have been getting drunk at a frat house, and you definitely shouldn't have been giving lapdances to strangers.
STEP 4: INVEST IN A GOOD CHASTITY BELT
It is an indisputable fact that most fornication occurs when a women doesn't have a plate of steel between her ladybits and a tallywhacker. Therefore, the best way to stop fornication from occurring is to invest in a good chastity belt! Now, unfortunately for hygiene purposes, you probably do need to get one with openings in the front and back. That's why I'm trusting you ladies to buy one that you can't even get your pinky finger through the openings (might as well stop two sins with one belt, right harlots?).
Also, make sure you buy one that uses a key, and not some sort of combination locking mechanism. You simply can't trust yourselves, you little harlots. That is why you need to give the key to a man (not a woman, they'll know what you're going through and can't be trusted with the responsibility) you can trust completely, like your local pastor. If you don't have a local pastor (and I have no reason to suspect you do, you filthy whores), then perhaps Landover's very own Rev. Jim Osborne would be willing to help. He runs a ministry for troubled young women, and though I really hate to advertise for him and increase the poor man's workload, somehow I have a feeling he would be willing to hold onto your belt's key and possibly even fly out to you so he can supervise you and help fill you with Jesus's love when the satanic urges feel like they're about to overwhelm you.
STEP 5: GET MARRIED ASAP
Lets face it harlots, your bodies have become used to the sin of fornication. It will feel like you're going insane as your body rebels against you following God's commandments and the demons leave. You will need something to concentrate on that isn't the incessant satanic feelings I am sure you are experiencing at this point. Being a helpmeet for a True Christian
™ man is not only a great thing to keep your mind off of the demons, it is what God created you to do
. Besides, you need to get started on making little soldiers for Jesus if you want to be Saved©
"Notwithstanding she shall be saved in childbearing, if they continue in faith and charity and holiness with sobriety." 1 Timothy 2:15
Oh, and sorry harlots, but I don't think bastards count.
"A bastard shall not enter into the congregation of the LORD; even to his tenth generation shall he not enter into the congregation of the LORD." Deuteronomy 23:2
STEP 6: REJOICE! YOU ARE SAVED©!
Did you follow all of my other advice? Then congratulations! You are Saved©
and will be joining the True Christians™ in Heaven!
That is, as long as you've been reading the KJV 1611 Bible and have been following all
of the 600+ commandments in it.
Now, let me leave you with just a little bit of scripture to get you inspired.
"I say unto you, that likewise joy shall be in heaven over one sinner that repenteth, more than over ninety and nine just persons, which need no repentance." Luke 15:7
EDIT: Please ignore the fact that I can't count. I'm a woman.