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  #1  
Old 09-02-2007, 01:41 AM
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Pastor Al E Pistle Pastor Al E Pistle is offline
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Default JesOS: What's in YOUR future?
Windows made billions for Billy-Bob Gates. MAC-OS, whatever that is, made millionaires out of those two hippies, Jobs and the Pollock. But now, we have something completely different! An operating system that NEVER REQUIRES AN UPGRADE.

JesOS!
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  #2  
Old 09-02-2007, 01:44 PM
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Default Re: JesOS: What's in YOUR future?
Pastor Al and Brothers and Sisters in Christ Jesus,

We have put together a press release regarding JesOS™. The features (and there are dozens more many of you know about since you have been testing the system now for the last several months) are outlined as well as some screen shots during the early test phases from Brother Ezekiel's home PC.

Thanks to the Landover Baptist Community College, and the Department of Creation Science for making this possible. Please pick up your $800 complimentary copy of JesOS™ in the church lobby after this Sunday's service.

The system is required to be loaded on all church members' and family PCs by October 15, or you will be fined $1200. $800 will cover the cost of the sofware and $200 for the Landover Community College tech dept to install the software. The other $200 will go to Jesus.

Please use this area to post any glitches, praise offerings, experiences, or new discoveries as we migrate the entire church over to JesOS™.

(PRESS RELEASE: http://www.landoverbaptist.org/news0907/jesOS.html)
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  #3  
Old 09-02-2007, 02:48 PM
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Default Re: JesOS: What's in YOUR future?
Cruciform Christ! I mean, Sweet JesOS, there he is! Pastor Deacon FRED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Old 09-03-2007, 02:11 PM
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Default Re: JesOS: What's in YOUR future?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Pastor Deacon Fred View Post
Pastor Al and Brothers and Sisters in Christ Jesus,


Please use this area to post any glitches, praise offerings, experiences, or new discoveries as we migrate the entire church over to JesOS™.

(PRESS RELEASE: http://www.landoverbaptist.org/news0907/jesOS.html)
Praise Jesus and praise JesOS™! The system is working just fine. When I attempted to follow a link to view a Godless video on You Tube provided by an unsaved heathen, my JesOS™ blocked the video within 3 seconds, sent me a mild electrical shock through the keyboard (thank you JesOS, may I have some more?), and alerted me that the subject in the video was a known communist and wanted by the DOF. Praise JesOS™ and Jesus, that wad of filth is on his way to GITMO even now.

Things couldn't be better! Double plus good!! Glory!!
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Who Will Jesus Damn?

Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:

Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)

Need Pastoral Advice? Contact me privately at PastorEzekiel@landoverbaptist.net TODAY!!
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  #5  
Old 09-04-2007, 02:28 AM
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Default Re: JesOS: What's in YOUR future?
You know, I had no idea that one of the various names for a cat is also the name for a woman's... you know. There I was, JesOS™ freshly installed, and I decided to test it out and search for some pictures of young women playing with sweet kitties to share with our own delightful Petal (who has been a little down in the dumps lately it's true), when the next thing I know, Landover Security was at my door!
After spending the next five hours explaining myself to a trio of pastors, everything was sorted out and I was allowed to return home with the provision that I only search the words "cat", "kitten", and "kitty" or their plurals from now on if I want to find pictures of these delightful creatures.

PRAISE JESUS! This operating system works better than I could ever have hoped for! Now we finally have safe computing for all True Christians™, children and adults alike!
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5:23 For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body.
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  #6  
Old 09-04-2007, 03:06 AM
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Default Re: JesOS: What's in YOUR future?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sister Mary Maria View Post

You know, I had no idea that one of the various names for a cat is also the name for a woman's ... you know. There I was, JesOS™ freshly installed, and I decided to test it out and search for some pictures of young women playing with sweet kitties to share ...
You know Sister, that's just one more thing wrong with our Godless society today, the butchering of the English language!

Hmmmm, some of the most innocent words for things can have ... um ... other meanings, so that we ladies must be constantly on the lookout for our Christian virtue and decorum.
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1st Timothy 2: 9 In like manner also, that women adorn themselves in modest apparel, with shamefacedness and sobriety; not with broided hair, or gold, or pearls, or costly array;
1st Timothy 2: 10 But (which becometh women professing godliness) with good works ...

1 Timothy 5: 16 If any man or woman that believeth have widows, let them relieve them, and let not the church be charged; that it may relieve them that are widows indeed ...

Proverbs 31: 26 She openeth her mouth with wisdom; and in her tongue is the law of kindness ...
Proverbs 31: 27 She looketh well to the ways of her household, and eateth not the bread of idleness ...
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  #7  
Old 09-04-2007, 04:27 AM
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Default Re: JesOS: What's in YOUR future?
I hope Landover Baptist Community College Computer Science instructor, Pastor Isaac Peters, contacts Ina Fried at CNET.com so she can share the good news about JesOS with the righteous online.

Praise Jesus!

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  #8  
Old 09-04-2007, 05:59 AM
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Pastor Al E Pistle Pastor Al E Pistle is offline
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Default Re: JesOS: What's in YOUR future?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sister Autumn "T" Sandeen View Post
I hope Landover Baptist Community College Computer Science instructor, Pastor Isaac Peters, contacts Ina Fried at CNET.com so she can share the good news about JesOS with the righteous online.

Praise Jesus!

Why would a GODLY Pastor communicate with a.....with a......a........what the heck IS Ian/Ina?
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Break their teeth, O God, in their mouth.--Psalms 58:6
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  #9  
Old 09-04-2007, 07:31 AM
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Default Re: JesOS: What's in YOUR future?
I have been networking with business associates and we have discussed possible software bundles for JesOS™.

Idealy, we would like a system whereby immoral software is detected, deleted, and then replaced by an appropriate Christian program.

For example:

Program .................. Replaced with:

Wolfenstien.............. Super 3D Noah's Ark
Toilet Kids.................Spiritual Warfare
Starcraft...................Left Behind: Eternal Forces
Tetris.......................Exodus: Journey to the Promise Land
Civilization.................JFK Reloaded
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  #10  
Old 09-04-2007, 05:19 PM
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Default Re: JesOS: What's in YOUR future?
I think there needs to be an implement/extra feature that tracks each individuals location, web-traffic, email, instant message conversations, credit card numbers and bank account access for extra tithing, and virtually every aspect of each individual's internet lives. This way if there are terrorists or FALSE Christians attempting to dissect the software for their perverse satanic causes we'll know about it.

I've noticed the strong security implements that have already been installed, but why not take it a step further with mandatory automatic updates that increase these features?

Plus, what harm would it do? You can't hide anything from Jesus, so why would you have to hide anything from the creators of JesOS and the DOF?
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Last edited by Warrior in Christ; 09-04-2007 at 05:20 PM.
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