2008 CAR ISSUE! Submit your praises here!

[Jeb Stuart Thurmond]

I can't believe it's this time of year again already. Yes, it's almost time for the Freehold Truth and Light's annual car issue. Submit your articles here!



I love cars.

Cars, how many ways do I love thee! Let me count the ways...One twothreefour ALLOF'EM!

Did you ever want to live in your own steel cocoon? You can! It's called a car! Just get in and drive somewhere, anywhere. Buy a car and your life looks like an MTV video, become a driver and you will look like a fashion model, you'll be staring at yourself in the rear-view mirrors while driving flat-out on a totally deserted highway your car so brilliantly clean and shiny, the road wet with rain (so sexy!), going 80mph or so around curves, doing jackrabbit starts at a light and of course there will always be a classic rock song in the background. Remember T. Rex? Golden Earring? Doesn't it make you feel young again? You'll be that young again, when you drive a car!

I love sports cars, I love how they make the old become young again. Most of all, I love the name. Sports cars. Ever wanted to be an athelete? Ever wanted to be a fit, muscular negro who gets paid millions of dollars to play games? Well, you'll be one, when you drive a sports car.

I love luxury cars, I love how all your fears and anxieties about status and class and approval from other people will vanish with one swipe of the credit card. Buy a luxury car and you will become a Very Successful Person in a business suit driving to your American Dream. You will drive past a young Greek or Italian boy, and he will say "They say this car has powers magical. They say in this car you become a new person. In this car I wish to ride." Yes, America, if you're not happy with your life, just buy a new car and become a new person.


I love trucks. Be a real man and buy a big truck. Be a real American and buy a big American truck. Buy a truck and you will become a cowboy. You will become a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat and boots and you will haul something that looks like an ocean liner behind you. You will be STRONG, you will be TOUGH, and all you need to do is turn a key and step on a pedal. You will become one of the rugged individuals who Won The West, who made this country what it is today. You can be one of them if you buy a truck.

I love cars that carry cars.



I love seeing Americans drive a car to Wal-Mart, get out of their car, and then use a smaller car to do the shopping.



I love cars that mow our lawns. Oh, I also love lawns, but that's a subject for another special issue.



I love how cars can be used for anything. Use them to walk the dog, use them to drive to the mailbox, or drive them to the beach to use as portable air conditioners.



I love drive-in everything.



I can't wait until we have cars for our dogs. Proto-dog-cars are already on the market:



(Carnes, who paid $200 for the stroller...“It was worth every penny,”...Deprado’s store sells six different models ranging in prices from the Happy Trails model at $65, to the $200 luxury Jeep model...)

I love cars that look angry. Cars that look like Hannibal-Lector style psycho killers all chained up and masked. Cars that say "I'm ready to rub a rusty cheesegrater across a newborn's face while crushing a kitten's skull with my teeth".



IN CONCLUSION:

CARS ARE GODLY!


CARS ARE SEXY!


CARS ARE SO GREAT WE CAN'T EVEN PUT IT INTO WORDS!

[Marshall]

Re: 2008 CAR ISSUE! Submit your praises here!

Now Jeb, as you know I have a sweet spot for Dodge and Plymouth cars from the late 60s and early seventies. I was teenager coming up in the fields and could only daydream as they drove by, what it must've been like to drive one of those big block rockets.
Now that Christ has Saved™ my unworthy soul and seen fit to bless me with a modest success story, I have the means to buy these blessed machines to drive and enjoy in my spare time. From my first car which was a 1966 Plymouth Belvedere to my current daily driver a Ford F350 Quad cab Dually.

Currently my collection is a modest 13 strong. I won't bore you all with the details, but I recently acquired a VERY nice example of a 1971 Six Pack Cuda in the rare and excellent FC7 Plum Crazy purple.

Thats my cousin Donny and his wife Emma, both in red. The other two are Billy and Christine which own one of the shops I use to fix my cars and maintain them. None of them are Saved™ but they don't mind helping me set up for a show so I let them sit with my cars while I go for hotdogs and Cokes.

[Pastor Isaac Peters]

Re: 2008 CAR ISSUE! Submit your praises here!

SUV's are the ideal vehicles, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. The lie-berals tell you that you could get along fine in a station wagon, but have you ever been off-roading in a station wagon? It's true that most SUV's go no farther off road than the valet-parking lane at the mall, but the point remains that you could go off-roading, and that's what's important.

I also don't want to hear any whining about how SUV's and their owners get special privileges in terms of taxation and safety regulation or about how they take up two parking spaces in the parking garage while paying for only one. It's just none of your business that I drive an SUV, okay?

[Nobar King]

Re: 2008 CAR ISSUE! Submit your praises here!

Sometimes it really IS necessary to have a car. In my old place the Jack-in-the-box next door was open all night, but you had to drive thru after 11, even if all you wanted was some fries they wouldn't sell them to you. Well, we wasted used our blessed gasoline and moved our cars 100 feet to get the freedom fries. Without the car we would have gone hungry.

[Jeb Stuart Thurmond]

Re: 2008 CAR ISSUE! Submit your praises here!

Sometimes it really IS necessary to have a car. In my old place the Jack-in-the-box next door was open all night, but you had to drive thru after 11, even if all you wanted was some fries they wouldn't sell them to you. Well, we wasted used our blessed gasoline and moved our cars 100 feet to get the freedom fries. Without the car we would have gone hungry.

You mean the drive-thru wasn't wide enough to fit your SUV? Call your lawyer, thats DISCRIMINATION!

[Nobar King]

Re: 2008 CAR ISSUE! Submit your praises here!

You mean the drive-thru wasn't wide enough to fit your SUV? Call your lawyer, thats DISCRIMINATION!

Sorry if my post wasn't clear. What I meant was that we lived next door to the restaurant and usually would walk over to get the fries (the counter girls were cute), but after 11 we couldn't walk there anymore. We NEEDED the car then for our salty carbohydrates.

[Jeb Stuart Thurmond]

Re: 2008 CAR ISSUE! Submit your praises here!

after 11 we couldn't walk there anymore. We NEEDED the car then for our salty carbohydrates.

Oh, that's not discrimination, that's just good business sense. Keeping out the riff-raff and all.

[WilliamJenningsBryan]

Re: 2008 CAR ISSUE! Submit your praises here!

There's no doubt about it, big cars (and I mean big Detroit Iron) are safer. The way to think about it is to have some big balls, like all American Football. There is no question who is going to win in any contest between a football and a chink ping-pong ball.

In the end it's God's way of dealing with those hyphenate enviro-pinko-commie-tree-hugger Prius drivers, they are all going to die in car accidents.

Billy-Bob has the right idea here:

Glory!

[Rev. Carlton Green]

Re: 2008 CAR ISSUE! Submit your praises here!

Rev. Green: You drive a Beetle?!?

Well I've been tight on cash lately. Most of my money has been going to Landover to keep securing my place as a Platinum Tither™. I even had to make a insurance claim some some silver Candlesticks that went missing from the church. Unfortunately, the insurance man, Mr. Biddle claims that my claim was fake and that I took them myself! (Needless to say I took care of him in the Kitchen....with some handy rope).


But my good ol' Beetle has been a old reliable for me. It was now starting to splutter out some rather decidedly toxic sludge from it's exhaust pipe, but that just added to it's rustic charm.


I guess the eco-greenies cannot appreciate that sort of beauty.

[Daisy Mae Johnson]

Re: 2008 CAR ISSUE! Submit your praises here!

Can I submit my own JESUS mobile?

GLORY!!

[Pastor Isaac Peters]

Re: 2008 CAR ISSUE! Submit your praises here!

I like to use this vehicle for going into town. It's also handy for taking my grandson and his friends places.

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Re: 2008 CAR ISSUE! Submit your praises here!

Well I've been tight on cash lately. Most of my money has been going to Landover to keep securing my place as a Platinum Tither™. I even had to make a insurance claim some some silver Candlesticks that went missing from the church. Unfortunately, the insurance man, Mr. Biddle claims that my claim was fake and that I took them myself! (Needless to say I took care of him in the Kitchen....with some handy rope).


But my good ol' Beetle has been a old reliable for me. It was now starting to splutter out some rather decidedly toxic sludge from it's exhaust pipe, but that just added to it's rustic charm.


I guess the eco-greenies cannot appreciate that sort of beauty.

You know, you have to hand it to the krauts. They just seem to have a knack for engeneering. A kraut is as clever with machines as a joo is with money.

God works in mysterious ways.

[Marshall]

Re: 2008 CAR ISSUE! Submit your praises here!

Speaking of Fords, I have a couple of those as well. Besides the F350 I used to haul with.
My favorite is the 67 Comet with a 427 in it. She's a sweety and sips gas at almost 12 miles to the gallon on the interstate.

[Ezekiel Bathfire]

Re: 2008 CAR ISSUE! Submit your praises here!

I really should get rid of it, at my age, I just don't feel I'm up to speeds over 150mph.

[Buford T Scoggins]

Re: 2008 CAR ISSUE! Submit your praises here!

Personally, I prefer one of these...



Not only useful for commuting, but great for killing Arabs!

YIC,
Buford