Masterbation

[jeffgothro (On Moderation)]

A little off topic, so please forgive me for that and the fact if I seem a bit naive and confused here, but I was at this penticostal church and I spoke to them about my masterbation addiction and they told me that God kills a kitten everytime I bust a nut. And whats even worse is they said I would burn in hell for it, especially if I let my spunk come in contact with the ground. Is there any truth to this?

I was listening to Interview: Pastor Harry Hardwick of Landover Baptist Church - Part Deux and he said you guys at church have these tupperware thing-a-ma-jiggies that are made just for catching seed so it doesnt come in contact with the ground. So far, I have been very sucessful in only thinking about Jesus when I masterbate, but this whole seed on the ground thing really scares me.

Do you guys have like a "home" tupperware thing-a-ma-jiggy kit that can be purchased from LBC. And if not, can I make my own do-it-yourself "seed catcher"? Do I need to report to that church lady Brother Hardwick spoke of, and if so, cant I just report electronically like in an email.

Thanks,

Jeff

[Dr. Ernest C. Ville, D.C.S.]

Re: Masterbation

A little off topic, so please forgive me for that and the fact if I seem a bit naive and confused here,

That is precisely why we have set up this forum, to answer questions that the Lost may have. As part of our duty to God we are to help to spread the Light of His Word to the unsaved such as yourself.

but I was at this penticostal church

That would be your problem right there. They're just about as lost as the catholics.

and I spoke to them about my masterbation addiction and they told me that God kills a kitten everytime I bust a nut.

Sir you will watch your language while here on God's forums. We have unsaved people around here who we do not want to be influenced by such trash as yourself. Kindly use language befitting of the Presence of the Lord

And whats even worse is they said I would burn in hell for it, especially if I let my spunk come in contact with the ground. Is there any truth to this?

Perhaps you aren't familiar with the story of Onan? I refer you to Genesis 38:8-10:

8And Judah said unto Onan, Go in unto thy brother's wife, and marry her, and raise up seed to thy brother.
9And Onan knew that the seed should not be his; and it came to pass, when he went in unto his brother's wife, that he spilled it on the ground, lest that he should give seed to his brother.
10And the thing which he did displeased the LORD: wherefore he slew him also.

I think that's pretty clear, don't you?

I was listening to Interview: Pastor Harry Hardwick of Landover Baptist Church - Part Deux and he said you guys at church have these tupperware thing-a-ma-jiggies that are made just for catching seed so it doesnt come in contact with the ground. So far, I have been very sucessful in only thinking about Jesus when I masterbate, but this whole seed on the ground thing really scares me.

If you follow the Good Pastor's instructions to the letter, you can certainly not go wrong. However, as my memory serves me, masturbation is only approved for those over 65? Otherwise, after 5 self-abuses, that which offends you is to be removed....

[jeffgothro (On Moderation)]

Re: Masterbation

Yeah I think I have to agree about the pentacostals, after I told them my problem, they put there hands on me (it felt kinda creepy too) and prayed, and after they were done praying they started dancing around and chanting all this jibberish I couldnt understand and a couple of them even fell on the ground and looked like they were having convulsions or something...it was really scary and creepy...needless to say, I got the heck outta there...FAST

Sorry brother Ernest, please forgive me, I will try to use better language more pleasing to the Lord in the future.

[Old Iron Crotch]

Re: Masterbation

Masturbation is the safest form of sexual release. Think about it - you can engage in it any time you have a bit of privacy, you don't have to worry about causing an unwanted pregnancy or catching a disease, and Rosy and her sisters will never cheat on you.

[Virginia Day Templeton]

Re: Masterbation

And God "releases" you from the mortal coil and tosses you into Hell. Doesn't sound too safe to me.

[Bobby-Joe]

Re: Masterbation

Masturbation is the safest form of sexual release. Think about it - you can engage in it any time you have a bit of privacy, you don't have to worry about causing an unwanted pregnancy or catching a disease, and Rosy and her sisters will never cheat on you.

Think about when the soul enters the body harlot. The Bible is pretty clear it is with the seed. You just advised someone to commit mass murder for personal comfort you cold blooded sicko.

[Old Iron Crotch]

Re: Masterbation

And God "releases" you from the mortal coil and tosses you into Hell. Doesn't sound too safe to me.

If God killed people for masturbating, most people would die shortly after puberty.

[jeffgothro (On Moderation)]

Re: Masterbation

Masturbation is the safest form of sexual release. Think about it - you can engage in it any time you have a bit of privacy, you don't have to worry about causing an unwanted pregnancy or catching a disease, and Rosy and her sisters will never cheat on you.

Yeah, but the bible says it makes God very angry, read what brother Ernest quoted. I dont want to make God angry, I want to live a pure clean life pleasing to God.

[Old Iron Crotch]

Re: Masterbation

Think about when the soul enters the body harlot. The Bible is pretty clear it is with the seed. You just advised someone to commit mass murder for personal comfort you cold blooded sicko.

The sperm carries 23 chromosmes, just like the ovum. The soul is not contained in the sperm. The existence of the soul can't even be objectively proven.

[Bobby-Joe]

Re: Masterbation

The sperm carries 23 chromosmes, just like the ovum. The soul is not contained in the sperm. The existence of the soul can't even be objectively proven.

Exactly what makes you more qualified to make pronouncements about the nature of the soul? Frankly, it would seem a bit obvious God is better qualified on that subject.

[Old Iron Crotch]

Re: Masterbation

Exactly what makes you more qualified to make pronouncements about the nature of the soul? Frankly, it would seem a bit obvious God is better qualified on that subject.

For starters, my existence can be objectively proven.

[Deaner]

Re: Masterbation

For starters, my existence can be objectively proven.

So can the Bible that God wrote.

[Old Iron Crotch]

Re: Masterbation

So can the Bible that God wrote.

Bibles exist, yes. Many books exist that people claim were dictated by gods. Yours is one among many. None of them, including yours, can be proven to have been dictated by a god.

[Deaner]

Re: Masterbation

None of them, including yours, can be proven to have been dictated by a god.

It says so right in there.

[Old Iron Crotch]

Re: Masterbation

It says so right in there.

So do others.