Tweet
All across the Islamic world, parents teach their children to become suicide bombers. "We are giving our child to Allah as a sacrifice", they say.
What is the answer? How do we counter this threat? The answer is obvious:
Christian Child Suicide Bombers!
Anybody who has read the Bible knows God likes human sacrifice:
"Take your son, your only son – yes, Isaac, whom you love so much – and go to the land of Moriah. Sacrifice him there as a burnt offering on one of the mountains, which I will point out to you." -Genesis 22:1-18
While the temporary death of Jesus ("the first suicide bomber") was the last sacrifice God actually demanded, it would be nice to give Him a few gifts.
After all, as Christians, our goal is to be Christ-like. And Christ commited suicide to destroy sin. While being crucified for the world's sins isn't possible for every boy and girl, strapping on some dynamite and ball bearings and walking into a crowded mosque certainly is.
Now, I'm sure you're thinking "all that time and money and now all my kids will just blow up? What a Gyp!"
Well, remember that Christians outnumber Moslems, and one Christian suicide bomber can take out many moslems at the same time, so you won't have to sacrifice all your kids to win the war on terror. Just your eldest:
In Exodus 13:2 the Lord said "Consecrate to me every first-born that opens the womb among Israelites, both man and beast, for it belongs to me."
The Bible makes clear the link between sacrificing our children, and winning wars:
"...Jephthah made a vow to the LORD. He said, "If you give me victory over the Ammonites, I will give to the LORD the first thing coming out of my house to greet me when I return in triumph. I will sacrifice it as a burnt offering."
"So Jephthah led his army against the Ammonites, and the LORD gave him victory....When Jephthah returned home to Mizpah, his daughter – his only child – ran out to meet him, playing on a tambourine and dancing for joy...her father kept his vow, and she died a virgin.
-Judges 11:29-39
And if you're thinking "sacrifice is one thing, but why suicide-bomb to death people I've never even met?" God makes clear in the Bible that He wants followers of other religions to be sacrificed as well:
At the LORD's command, a man of God from Judah went to Bethel, and he arrived there just as Jeroboam was approaching the altar to offer a sacrifice. Then at the LORD's command, he shouted, "O altar, altar! This is what the LORD says: A child named Josiah will be born into the dynasty of David. On you he will sacrifice the priests from the pagan shrines who come here to burn incense, and human bones will be burned on you." -1 Kings 13:1-2
He [Josiah] executed the priests of the pagan shrines on their own altars, and he burned human bones on the altars to desecrate them. Finally, he returned to Jerusalem. King Josiah then issued this order to all the people: "You must celebrate the Passover to the LORD your God, as it is written in the Book of the Covenant." There had not been a Passover celebration like that since the time when the judges ruled in Israel, throughout all the years of the kings of Israel and Judah. This Passover was celebrated to the LORD in Jerusalem during the eighteenth year of King Josiah's reign. Josiah also exterminated the mediums and psychics, the household gods, and every other kind of idol worship, both in Jerusalem and throughout the land of Judah. He did this in obedience to all the laws written in the scroll that Hilkiah the priest had found in the LORD's Temple. Never before had there been a king like Josiah, who turned to the LORD with all his heart and soul and strength, obeying all the laws of Moses. And there has never been a king like him since. -2 Kings 23:20-25
And for all of you parents who are saying "How do you expect me to convince my kids to blow themselves up?" Well don't worry. We're going to encourage them in every way we can, in fact, we're already modifying the toys at Sunday school:
UPDATE! FOX NEWS FOLLOWS OUR LEAD!
Here's Fox news calling for funding middle-eastern terrorists to carry out Iraq-style suicide car bombings, and similar "havoc"! Hey, maybe we can even recreate the Beslan school massacre!
Landover leads, the world follows!
.gif "Slow(en)")
Comment