Wash O'Hanley addressing concerns regarding pee-wee football

[Wash O'Hanley]

Folks, as you all know I have begun my tenure coaching the pee-wee football team for the Landover Baptist Church and after only 3 games my coaching abilities have already come into question as well as numerous wild and unbased allegations about my on field and off field conduct, I would like to address any and all concerns here and now in an open forum and offer my perspective on all these slanderous things that have been attributed to myself and my team. I would also like to say that this is pee-wee football and that my team is composed of 8 and 9 year olds that some parents are simply taking this too seriously.

The first accusation that has been made about me is that there is no racial diversity on the Landover Baptist Sultan Strom Thurmonds. To this I would like to point out that not only is the team's laundry person an Asian but that our water boy is also a blackie. Many have asked why I don't have blacks on my team, particularly in key positions like quarterback or linebacker, to this I must insist that blacks do not have the mental capability to play such a demanding position. Name one professional football team that has ever won the Super Bowl with a black quarterback. Not to mention that the average feral street negro is not fit for playing sports like the superior white man and that the abilities of the black man are performed far better by Caucasians.

Others have questioned my involvement with organized crime- siting the fact that the starting quarterbacks of every team we have faced this season has been brutally attacked and had his legs broken during the days leading up to the game. Frankly I find these allegations to be the most wild and hurtful to my character. I know nothing about these young boys and how they MAY have been followed on the way home from school by goons in unmarked black sedans, grabbed off the street and had their legs broken by a crowbar and the thought that I would have anything to do with it is just absurd.

Thirdly I would like to say once and for all that I never tore the radio antenna off my car and used it to lash my starting quarterback during practice before a game and that the 50 parents and relatives that witnessed it were simply mistaking my coaching techniques as brutal punishment against a 9 year old.

I would not like to comment on the allegation that my defensive line held down and gang raped an 8 year old cheerleader behind the concession stand during half time of our second game while I video taped the entire scene while consuming a chili dog. I have already sent the alleged video to the pastors and they have assured me that no foul play occurred and that they thoroughly enjoyed my camera work. What my team does off the field is none of my concern and as long as they show up every Saturday morning and focus on the game whatever they are doing off field is between them and child court.

Lastly I would like to clear up any confusion about the so called bribing I did in the 4th quarter of the first game. I know that from the untrained spectator or coach of the other team's eye it may have looked like I gave the referee several bags of unmarked bills and that suddenly our team received 14 points and then was given the ball on a wild "snapping the ball" penalty by the other team on the opposing team's one yard line capped by a 1 yard TD run by me but this is all lies and hearsay.

I hope this clears up any and all questions you may have about my coaching of the Landover Baptist Sultan Strom Trurmonds and reaffirms your faith in my ability to lead this team to a championship. We have started the season 3 and 0 with the help of a stingy defense and a backup quarterback who has stepped up to fill the shoes of our injured starting quarterback who is out because of deep lacerations to his back.

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Well, that's good enough for me. It seems to me that there are too many parents out there who are jealous of you and are nit-picking everything you do, just to make themselves feel important.

I'd like to thank you for your tireless service to the community, Brother Wash. It's heros like you and Trent over there in the desserts of Iraquistan that make me proud to be an American.

[Bobby-Joe]

I think the records of wins for the Sultan Strom Thurmonds says enough Wash as far you cheating goes. If you were cheating Jesus wouldn’t let you win. That is the bottom line, end of discussion.

I told that to the parents of the quarter back of the Cedar Rapids Pioneers. They had some weird story that you had bribed a Freehold County Sheriff’s Deputy to pull their car over, drag their eight year old son of the car and shoot him in the leg. I told them they were just jealous that Jesus helped Sultan Strom Thurmonds out again, their kid should have never run from the Sheriff’s Deputy, being tasered a half dozen times is no excuse and sent them on their way.

The petty things people do to win a stupid kids game just makes Jesus weep.

[Jeb Thurmond]

Keep up the good work.

I'm glad to see that you didn't answer accusations of steroid use. Don't dignify them with a response, I say.

[Wash O'Hanley]

Originally Posted by Jeb Thurmond

Keep up the good work.

I'm glad to see that you didn't answer accusations of steroid use. Don't dignify them with a response, I say.

Brother Jeb I thank you for looking out for me but it may be best if I nip the steroid use accusations in the bud too. In all honestly I thought that the human growth hormone and testosterone supplements I was feeding my running back and offensive line were Flinstones Chewable Vitamins.




I mean come on! Which is which? I can't tell them apart. Frankly I find the whole steroids thing to be absurd. Flinstones vitamins are OK but steroids are not? They do the same thing! Look at the Flinstones box- it even says it is "#1 for growing kids". Now compare that with the description for the steroids- "#1 for stimulating growth in humans and animals". What's the difference?!?!?!?! This is just another example of an honest and mounting mistake on my part. Either way I'm not letting that crate of human growth hormones go to waste and my team WILL finish them before they get their dessert.

[Jeb Thurmond]

Originally Posted by Wash O'Hanley

Brother Jeb I thank you for looking out for me but it may be best if I nip the steroid use accusations in the bud too. In all honestly I thought that the human growth hormone and testosterone supplements I was feeding my running back and offensive line were Flinstones Chewable Vitamins.

It's great to see a man who cares so much about the health of the next generation. So, now that Dr. Laurie has retired, who will be supplying your vitamins? If you need new connections, just email me.

[Dr. Ernest C. Ville, D.C.S.]

Originally Posted by Wash O'Hanley

I must insist that blacks do not have the mental capability to play such a demanding position. Name one professional football team that has ever won the Super Bowl with a black quarterback. Not to mention that the average feral street negro is not fit for playing sports like the superior white man and that the abilities of the black man are performed far better by Caucasians.

Not that I disagree with this, but many years of running from the long, white arm of the law have given the blackies some very fast legs. Perhaps if you set up a sort of basic bargaining system, you could take advantage of this. For every touchdown the little black urchin catches, he gets a new hubcap for his parents' car? Or a pie for every interception?

Originally Posted by Wash O'Hanley

Thirdly I would like to say once and for all that I never tore the radio antenna off my car and used it to lash my starting quarterback during practice before a game and that the 50 parents and relatives that witnessed it were simply mistaking my coaching techniques as brutal punishment against a 9 year old.

A little encouragement never hurt anyone. We're not catholics here--we are a disciplined team with one goal in mind--winning! You can't have a disciplined team without just that--discipline. It's just logic.

Originally Posted by Wash O'Hanley

Lastly I would like to clear up any confusion about the so called bribing I did in the 4th quarter of the first game. I know that from the untrained spectator or coach of the other team's eye it may have looked like I gave the referee several bags of unmarked bills and that suddenly our team received 14 points and then was given the ball on a wild "snapping the ball" penalty by the other team on the opposing team's one yard line capped by a 1 yard TD run by me but this is all lies and hearsay.

I was there and it was certainly Divine Intervention. I think all the dirty Jews said the same thing when God went "Yoink" and hauled His Son back up to Heaven before they could (temporarily) kill Him again.

[H. Montague Worthington]

Remember that kid that threw the three interceptions at the beginning of last year? Did they ever find the face that went with that body they found?

[Bobby-Joe]

Originally Posted by H. Montague Worthington

Remember that kid that threw the three interceptions at the beginning of last year? Did they ever find the face that went with that body they found?

I am personally outraged about how Wash was abused over that kid’s death. The Freehold County coroner ruled it a suicide, I mean the kid left a note saying he was sorry for letting Wash down like that. People need to stop it with the conspiracy theories.

[Father Thomas Martin]

I challenge your Landover Sultan Strom Thurmonds to a game against my St. Thomas Aquinas Knights in an exhibition game.

If you win, you get to ban me from the boards permanently.
But if I win, the Pastors have to hand over Landover Baptist's deed to me, and I will turn the building into STA's sister parish, St. Albert the Great Catholic Church.

Do you accept, or are you chicken?

If you accept, just get ahold of parishoner Michael Burmeister on Facebook, and you two will settle this over a game of Blackboard Football on there.