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Brothers and sisters in Christ, you know how much I hate cats. I can't stand the flea-bitten rodents, and for some reason over the summer I've noticed a large number of felines congregating on my estate. Why they chose MY yard for the scene of their catterwaulings is beyond me. Why me, above all my neighbors in Freehold, should I be singled out for pestering? 
Well I thought about this for some time and I came to the conclusion that they must be witches, not cats. Witches sent by satan to torment me, the most beloved True Christian™ Pastor in the world! When I shared this opinion with the mammy who works in my kitchens, she whole-heartedly supported me. In fact she eagerly informed me that she had on several occasions heard a gaggle of cats out in the dooryard speaking together in human voices!
Armed with this new certainty, I laid in wait for them one night in order to catch them in the very act of witchcraft. I was armed with a baseball bat and an axe one of my gardeners left out. I spied three of the foul demons, and ran out at them swinging. I wasn't able to catch any of them, but I was able to wound them: One in the back, one in the hip, and one I caught in the leg with the bat.
Now get this: Remember when the widow Francis and her sister Emily both died within a day of each other last month? Well the undertaker let it slip to his assistant, who told his idiot brother, who told the liquor store delivery boy, who told my 14 year old Indonesian houseboy that Francis, when laid out for burial, had the distinct markings of a recent wound on her back, and Emily on her hip!
This was just the corroboration I needed! Now all I needed was to find the last witch!
And Brothers and sisters, I believe I have. That smelly old hag Nancy Gilbert out in South Freehold has been laid up in bed for a month now with a broken leg! Now I ask you, how does a 77 year old woman get a broken leg!? It's ridiculous! Obviously she got her leg broken in my yard! Plus, she's ugly as sin! I accuse her of being the third witch!
Tonight, I'm ordering Bobby Joe and his boys in security todrag that old crone from her bed pay a visit to the widow Gilbert's house and make an inquistion as to her whereabouts during the middle parts of August and examine her rooms for any evidence of witchsign. Further, I have ordered that she be compelled to betray any and all members of her coven, so that we might find them before any more mischief can be forced upon our fair town.
There's going to be a bonfire tonight, Brothers and sisters! Shout glory!
Well I thought about this for some time and I came to the conclusion that they must be witches, not cats. Witches sent by satan to torment me, the most beloved True Christian™ Pastor in the world! When I shared this opinion with the mammy who works in my kitchens, she whole-heartedly supported me. In fact she eagerly informed me that she had on several occasions heard a gaggle of cats out in the dooryard speaking together in human voices!
Armed with this new certainty, I laid in wait for them one night in order to catch them in the very act of witchcraft. I was armed with a baseball bat and an axe one of my gardeners left out. I spied three of the foul demons, and ran out at them swinging. I wasn't able to catch any of them, but I was able to wound them: One in the back, one in the hip, and one I caught in the leg with the bat.
Now get this: Remember when the widow Francis and her sister Emily both died within a day of each other last month? Well the undertaker let it slip to his assistant, who told his idiot brother, who told the liquor store delivery boy, who told my 14 year old Indonesian houseboy that Francis, when laid out for burial, had the distinct markings of a recent wound on her back, and Emily on her hip!
This was just the corroboration I needed! Now all I needed was to find the last witch!
And Brothers and sisters, I believe I have. That smelly old hag Nancy Gilbert out in South Freehold has been laid up in bed for a month now with a broken leg! Now I ask you, how does a 77 year old woman get a broken leg!? It's ridiculous! Obviously she got her leg broken in my yard! Plus, she's ugly as sin! I accuse her of being the third witch!
Tonight, I'm ordering Bobby Joe and his boys in security to
There's going to be a bonfire tonight, Brothers and sisters! Shout glory!
), I try to figure out what would Jesus do in such case and do the best approximation to that. 
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