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Old 06-03-2012, 09:45 PM
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Unhappy Caught My Son Spilling Seed: Funeral Next Saturday at 3:00

Brothers in Christ,

This afternoon as I was collecting the trash from around the house to take out for pickup, I found a semen-drenched bundle of toilet paper in my son's bedroom. I have notified the Pastors, and suffice it to say that there will be severe consequences followed up by months of Christian counseling for young Isaiah. Keep us in your prayers as we go through this difficult time.

But that is not why I am posting here. I would like to invite you all over next weekend for the funeral for the millions of sperm-babies who were so senselessly murdered. There will be an open-casket wake Friday evening, where you can come by and say a prayer and leave your respects for the sperm babies. The funeral service will be at 3:00 pm on Saturday, followed by burial in my back yard. Light hors d'ouvres will be provided afterward. Please wear your Sunday best.

In lieu of flowers, the family of the deceased asks that you make your checks payable to Landover Baptist Church Youth Fellowship.

YIC
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II Thessalonians 1:7-9
And to you who are troubled rest with us, when the Lord Jesus shall be revealed from heaven with his mighty angels,
In flaming fire taking vengeance on them that know not God, and that obey not the gospel of our Lord Jesus Christ:
Who shall be punished with everlasting destruction from the presence of the Lord, and from the glory of his power


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Old 06-03-2012, 09:51 PM
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Default Re: Caught My Son Spilling Seed: Funeral Next Saturday at 3:00

My deepest condolences at this trying time, Brother.

I won't be able to attend in person but I'm sure the webcast will be of the same high level of quality as Brother Portway's wedding (just with less whining and crying).

YIC
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1 Corinthians 11:3 But I would have you know, that the head of every man is Christ; and the head of the woman is the man; and the head of Christ is God.

Revelation 22:15 For without are dogs, and sorcerers, and whoremongers, and murderers, and idolaters, and whosoever loveth and maketh a lie.

Leviticus 20:13 If a man also lie with mankind, as he lieth with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination: they shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them.
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Old 06-03-2012, 09:51 PM
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Default Re: Caught My Son Spilling Seed: Funeral Next Saturday at 3:00

Jed, I am so sorry to hear of your loss. My and my families deepest condolences.

I'll skip my sons high school graduation of course (not like I'll be missing anything, seems there is one every year) and will be at your side, giving you the support you need in times of sorrow such as this.

If you'd like, I'd be happy to take your son aside and express the displeasure Jesus has when he ejaculates the Seed of Onan® without the express purpose of impregnating his wife.
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Amos 3:6 Shall a trumpet be blown in the city, and the people not be afraid? shall there be evil in a city, and the LORD hath not done it?
Numbers 21:6 And the LORD sent fiery serpents among the people, and they bit the people; and much people of Israel died.
Matthew 10:34 Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword.
Matthew 10:35 For I am come to set a man at variance against his father, and the daughter against her mother, and the daughter in law against her mother in law.
Matthew 10:36 And a man's foes shall be they of his own household.
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Old 06-04-2012, 01:04 AM
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Default Re: Caught My Son Spilling Seed: Funeral Next Saturday at 3:00

I'm still waiting for my customary Funeral Fee to be wired over. Millions of dead sperm got you a discount, but only after the first 10,000 wiggly boys.
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Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)

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Old 06-04-2012, 02:18 AM
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Default Re: Caught My Son Spilling Seed: Funeral Next Saturday at 3:00

Quote:
Originally Posted by Pastor Ezekiel View Post
I'm still waiting for my customary Funeral Fee to be wired over. Millions of dead sperm got you a discount, but only after the first 10,000 wiggly boys.
I left a message with the bank, but it will be some time tomorrow before they can let me set up a Home Equity Line of Credit.
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II Thessalonians 1:7-9
And to you who are troubled rest with us, when the Lord Jesus shall be revealed from heaven with his mighty angels,
In flaming fire taking vengeance on them that know not God, and that obey not the gospel of our Lord Jesus Christ:
Who shall be punished with everlasting destruction from the presence of the Lord, and from the glory of his power


One Nation Under God

The man who is being progressively sanctified will inescapably sanctify his home, school, politics, economics, science, and all things else by understanding and interpreting all things in terms of the Word of God and by bringing all things under the Dominion of Christ the King. -R.J. Rushdoony

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Old 06-04-2012, 02:27 AM
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Default Re: Caught My Son Spilling Seed: Funeral Next Saturday at 3:00

At least they weren't DOA inside another man's anus. I imagine Ofc. Richards' job of drawing the chalk outlines was traumatic enough as it was.
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Old 06-04-2012, 09:04 AM
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Default Re: Caught My Son Spilling Seed: Funeral Next Saturday at 3:00

This is deeply troubling news, brother.

How is your family holding up? It must be so hard.

I know it's difficult, but facts are facts. Your son is a selfish murderer, and should be treated as such until he repents and promises JESUS never to kill another sperm baby ever again.

Have you decided on a fitting punishment yet?
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Old 06-04-2012, 03:25 PM
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Default Re: Caught My Son Spilling Seed: Funeral Next Saturday at 3:00

My deepest condolences to you family Brother Jedediah. I wish I could tell you those 150,000 unborn are with Jesus in Heaven now, but we both know it's not true. Moments like this we must remember the promise of Isaiah that The Lord will wipe all tears away.
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Old 06-04-2012, 03:48 PM
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Default Re: Caught My Son Spilling Seed: Funeral Next Saturday at 3:00

I have some experience in the funereal arts if you need help in planning the ceremony at a reduced price. I have sent you my home address by separate e-mail so you can place the offending tissues in a plastic bag along with a photo of your son and mail them to me. I will then prepare a suitable funereal presentation for the services on Saturday.

Here is the result of a recent presentation I arranged. The tissue was found wadded up and covered in dust under under a bed in a college dorm room. I managed to make it look almost unused and presented it in this mahogany tissue casket. It was my homage to Leviticus 10:10, but bear in mind I do not work miracles. Job 14:4.

I look forward to receiving your ziploc with the corpses.
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Old 06-08-2012, 04:16 AM
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Default Re: Caught My Son Spilling Seed: Funeral Next Saturday at 3:00

My deepest condolences to you and your family, and I hope that you will be able to pass this challenge in His Name, even though I do not think anything will be able to condone the murder of 150,000 sperm children.

Although I do not have any children of my own, I would believe that this is a deep family tragedy.

Our prayers are with you.
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Old 06-08-2012, 04:46 AM
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Default Re: Caught My Son Spilling Seed: Funeral Next Saturday at 3:00

Quote:
Originally Posted by Gregory Jubilay View Post
I would believe that this is a deep family tragedy.
Indeed, it is.

It's as though Jedidiah just lost a million grandchildren.

Guess he can just throw away all the baby clothes and toys he bought in anticipation.

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Old 06-08-2012, 07:25 PM
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TheDevilsLeftBall is a sinner who has rejected Christ and tithing to Landover and is on the fast bus to Aeternal Damnation.TheDevilsLeftBall is a sinner who has rejected Christ and tithing to Landover and is on the fast bus to Aeternal Damnation.
Default Re: Caught My Son Spilling Seed: Funeral Next Saturday at 3:00

How did Jedediah lose millions of grandchildren. He only lost one at the most as only one sperm would've gotten in. And what would Jedediah rather want, his son spilling his seed on the ground or his son knocking up a young teenager?
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Old 06-08-2012, 07:34 PM
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Default Re: Caught My Son Spilling Seed: Funeral Next Saturday at 3:00

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Originally Posted by TheDevilsLeftBall View Post
How did Jedediah lose millions of grandchildren. He only lost one at the most as only one sperm would've gotten in. And what would Jedediah rather want, his son spilling his seed on the ground or his son knocking up a young teenager?
You must be a pro-death liberal. I suppose we should just spray Zyklon-B on the poor ejaculate as well.

Do you always compare one sin to another? You think it is okay to slaughter millions of innocent half-children because, hey, you haven't fornicated? I suppose murder is okay because it is not rape, and rape is okay because it is not murder. Is that your reasoning?


Quote:
Matthew 5:19

King James Version (KJV)

19 Whosoever therefore shall break one of these least commandments, and shall teach men so, he shall be called the least in the kingdom of heaven: but whosoever shall do and teach them, the same shall be called great in the kingdom of heaven.
Those innocent sperm cells are in Hell now, because of ignorance like that which you are spreading.
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Old 06-08-2012, 07:46 PM
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TheDevilsLeftBall is a sinner who has rejected Christ and tithing to Landover and is on the fast bus to Aeternal Damnation.TheDevilsLeftBall is a sinner who has rejected Christ and tithing to Landover and is on the fast bus to Aeternal Damnation.
Default Re: Caught My Son Spilling Seed: Funeral Next Saturday at 3:00

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Originally Posted by Billy Bob Jenkins View Post
You must be a pro-death liberal. I suppose we should just spray Zyklon-B on the poor ejaculate as well.

Do you always compare one sin to another? You think it is okay to slaughter millions of innocent half-children because, hey, you haven't fornicated? I suppose murder is okay because it is not rape, and rape is okay because it is not murder. Is that your reasoning?




Those innocent sperm cells are in Hell now, because of ignorance like that which you are spreading.
wtf are you on about?
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Old 06-08-2012, 07:48 PM
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Default Re: Caught My Son Spilling Seed: Funeral Next Saturday at 3:00

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Originally Posted by TheDevilsLeftBall View Post
wtf are you on about?
He's responding to your hate-filled comment when our dear Brother Jedediah is in a time of grief. What is wrong with you atheists, anyway?

You have no compassion whatsoever.
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Old 06-08-2012, 10:16 PM
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Default Re: Caught My Son Spilling Seed: Funeral Next Saturday at 3:00

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Originally Posted by Rev. M. Rodimer View Post
You have no compassion whatsoever.
Of course not. Why would they? As far as they are concerned, there is no Heaven or Hell. It would be irrational for them to care about their fellows. At least we True Christians™ care about one another, as we scramble to be God's favorite.
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Old 06-09-2012, 04:21 AM
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Default Re: Caught My Son Spilling Seed: Funeral Next Saturday at 3:00

Friends,

My family and I would like to thank you for keeping us in your thoughts and prayers during this trying time. We would also like to thank you for all the delicious casseroles and pies your wives have sent over. Rebekah has been inconsolable all week long, and I just haven't been able to find it within myself to put her back to work in the kitchen. A special thanks goes out to Ofc. Richards, who has let me borrow a pair of handcuffs for Isaiah until we find a suitable Christian boarding school for him.

The wake, while sorrowful, was also very moving. Thank you all for your powerful testimonies. While we know that this is all a part of God's Plan, it is still tempting to want to ask why? Why, God? Why are millions of my grandchildren now consigned to eternal torments in the fiery pits of hell? What did they ever do to deserve this? Yet we are reminded that when we don't understand the ways of the LORD, we may yet rejoice in His promises. By turning to the Holy Bible (KJV 1611), I found the answers my heart sought.

Psalm 58:3
The wicked are estranged from the womb: they go astray as soon as they be born, speaking lies.

Romans 5:12
Wherefore, as by one man sin entered into the world, and death by sin; and so death passed upon all men, for that all have sinned:

Jude 1:4
For there are certain men crept in unawares, who were before of old ordained to this condemnation, ungodly men, turning the grace of our God into lasciviousness, and denying the only Lord God, and our Lord Jesus Christ.


My grandchildren are in hell because that is what they deserve. God knew from at least 6,000 years before they formed in young Isaiah's testes that these souls were unworthy of Salvation and unfit to bear the fruits of the Spirit. If God wants them in hell, I am okay with that. For the Scriptures assure us that when we receive our Heavenly reward, there will be no room for grief or sorrow over those who burn in hell. We will be far too busy glorifying the LORD and enjoying Him to be worried about those who, for whatever reason, did not accept His kind offer of Redemption through the acceptance of Jesus Christ as their personal LORD and Savior.

Revelation 21:4
And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away.

So let the consignment of my millions of grandchildren to unfathomable torments in the lake of fire serve as a reminder of how fortunate those of us who have been given the opportunity to develop a personal relationship with Jesus Christ truly are. Who knows how many of them would have turned out queer anyways... God surely had His reasons for preordaining them to eternal torments.

I will see you all tomorrow. We'll be ready for everyone by 2:00. The service begins promptly at 3:00.

Quote:
Originally Posted by TheDevilsLeftBall View Post
How did Jedediah lose millions of grandchildren. He only lost one at the most as only one sperm would've gotten in. And what would Jedediah rather want, his son spilling his seed on the ground or his son knocking up a young teenager?
I am not surprised that the mockers and the scorners have arrived to persecute us for our cherished beliefs. The Holy Bible (KJV 1611) tells us to expect as much during these End Times.

Jude 1:16-19
These are murmurers, complainers, walking after their own lusts; and their mouth speaketh great swelling words, having men's persons in admiration because of advantage.
But, beloved, remember ye the words which were spoken before of the apostles of our Lord Jesus Christ;
How that they told you there should be mockers in the last time, who should walk after their own ungodly lusts.
These be they who separate themselves, sensual, having not the Spirit.


Please know that your anti-Christian hate speech only serves to multiply our blessings in Heaven.

Luke 6:22
Blessed are ye, when men shall hate you, and when they shall separate you from their company, and shall reproach you, and cast out your name as evil, for the Son of man's sake.
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And to you who are troubled rest with us, when the Lord Jesus shall be revealed from heaven with his mighty angels,
In flaming fire taking vengeance on them that know not God, and that obey not the gospel of our Lord Jesus Christ:
Who shall be punished with everlasting destruction from the presence of the Lord, and from the glory of his power


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Old 06-09-2012, 04:43 AM
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Default Re: Caught My Son Spilling Seed: Funeral Next Saturday at 3:00

Jedediah, I hope you don't mind if I share the results of my rigorous investigation. If you don't want this on the internet, just let me know and I'll see if it can be removed.

Preliminary CSI (Christian Science Investigation) lab results and prayer have revealed that the sperm died within twenty minutes of being entombed in the paper towel. Please take some comfort knowing your unborn grandchildren did not suffer very long before the end. Also, the report shows your son may not be getting enough zinc.

The sheriff's office estimates that the murder occurred some time during the early afternoon, and we will be needing to question you and your son as to why he wasn't busy doing something constructive, like reading the Bible or learning to use a firearm. This kind of depravity taking place in broad daylight, and right inside a True Christian home, should be very concerning to all of us.

Your son is currently under investigation for violations of 1 Corinthians 6:18-19, Leviticus 18:22, since a male pleasuring a penis, even his own, is a homosexual action, and potentially Matthew 5:28, depending on if investigators turn up any Playboys or JC Penney catalogs.

Please keep your son under house arrest for us, as it saves me time and tax money not having to book him down at the station. Let me know if you need the key to the handcuffs.


Over and out.
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Old 06-09-2012, 04:43 AM
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Default Re: Caught My Son Spilling Seed: Funeral Next Saturday at 3:00

Brother, I'm sorry I am not able to attend the funeral. As you know, Indiana is a fair distance away, and I figured what with your bathroom being so small, you'd want only close family there for the flushing.

Did the cream pie that I sent you make it OK? I helped Widow Helen make it for you, not because I'm much on doing women's work, but because I thought it would be more meaningful if I put some of myself into it rather than just telling Widow Helen to give you pie.

We froze it and put it in a cooler, then sent it FedEx, so it should still be cold.
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Old 06-09-2012, 06:05 AM
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Default Re: Caught My Son Spilling Seed: Funeral Next Saturday at 3:00

I really enjoyed the wake, brother. The way you passed around the tissue so we could all hug it and hold it and get to know them before your son so callously murdered these amazing living creatures!
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