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Old 08-21-2012, 10:57 PM
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Default True Christian Guide to Avoiding Legitimate Rape

Ladies, recent comments by Republican Missouri senate nominee Todd Akin regarding his stance on abortion has come to the attention of Americans everywhere.



Now we here at Landover Baptist Church know very well that the LORD blesses and watches over His flock (Isaiah 61:9; Deuteronomy 28:8; Philippians 4:19). We also know that many women (and men - yikes!) have claimed to have been raped. Clearly this means most of these people are NOT a part of the vine (John 15:1-2), which explains why God's Blessing has been justly denied them. In any case, let's look at some statistics. According to Crisis Connection:

Quote:
  • Every 45 seconds someone in the United States is sexually assaulted.
  • 1 out of every 7 women currently in college has been raped , however, 9 out of 10 women raped on campus never tell anyone about the rape.
  • 1 in 10 men is raped in his lifetime, 1 in 7 of those victims will have been assaulted before the age of 18.
  • More than 61.5% of rapes are never reported to law enforcement.
  • Approximately 28% of rape victims are raped by their husbands, 35% by an acquaintance, and 17% by a relative other than spouse.
  • 74% of sexual assaults are perpetrated by assailants well known to the victim.
  • A female child victim is 7 times more likely to be re-victimized as an adult.
  • Nearly 6 out of 10 sexual assaults occur at the victim’s home or the home of a friend, relative, or neighbor.
  • 1 in 15 rape victims contract a sexually transmitted disease (STD) as a result of being raped.
  • 1 in 15 rape victims become pregnant as a result of being raped.
  • The United States has the world’s highest rape rate of all countries that publish such data- 13 times higher than England and more than 20 times higher than Japan.
  • An American woman is 10 times more likely to be raped than to die in a car crash.
  • 61% of rape victims are females under the age of 18.
Friends, this is a tragedy!



SO MANY WOMEN HATE MEN SO MUCH THEY WILL CRY "RAPE"
JUST TO SEE HIM UNJUSTLY PUNISHED BY THE STATE!



A predictable consequence of "Feminism" is a prejudice against men!

How do we know?

Because women who maintain Godly standards usually DON'T GET RAPED! Certainly not in this quantity!

So the first thing to do to avoid being raped, is to maintain Godly standards for yourself! Here are some things the LORD was careful to include in the Holy Bible. If it's in the Holy Bible, we know it must be the most important information in the world. Of course True Christians™ know why - it keeps us safe!

We know, for example, the LORD made men to be visually stimulated. They can't help it, and this is but one of the things Satan uses to try and win their souls.

And if thy right eye offend thee, pluck it out, and cast it from thee: for it is profitable for thee that one of thy members should perish, and not that thy whole body should be cast into hell.
Matthew 5:29


However, the LORD saw to it that devoted men would record the information we women need to do in order to keep from temping the men in our lives to stumble in sin (Romans 14:21). It is a very simple solution - a Godly, modest dress code.

Whose adorning let it not be that outward adorning of plaiting the hair, and of wearing of gold, or of putting on of apparel;
1 Peter 3:3

The woman shall not wear that which pertaineth unto a man, neither shall a man put on a woman's garment: for all that do so are abomination unto the LORD thy God.
Deuteronomy 22:5

Favour is deceitful, and beauty is vain: but a woman that feareth the LORD, she shall be praised.
Proverbs 31:30

As a jewel of gold in a swine's snout, so is a fair woman which is without discretion.
Proverbs 11:22

And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may prove what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect.
Romans 12:2


IF you happen to be legitimately raped, that is, forced against your will, then you need not worry about getting pregnant. You see, our bodies were fearfully and wonderfully made! (Psalm 139:14) The LORD has provided within our bodies, the miraculous mechanics of thwarting unwanted seed!

Now, I hope you'll bear with me while I show you some medical pictures. You may want to usher small children and boys/men from the room before looking. These pictures, although not lewd or pornographic in any way, do depict the female anatomy and might be inappropriate for some people.


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Perhaps our dear Brother, Professor Bessimer can help us understand all this technical and medical jargon, but in the mean time, I encourage you to "fear not"! (1 Peter 3:14)

As senate nominee Todd Akin explains, after much medical and scientific training,



“If it’s a legitimate rape, the female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down."


And do keep in mind, should the LORD send someone to forcibly impregnate you, each pregnancy is a gift from God! Why, as former Republican presidential candidate Mike Huckabee explains, some "Forcible Rapes" created "Extraordinary" people!
“Ethel Waters, for example, was the result of a forcible rape,” Huckabee said on his radio show, according to the Los Angeles Times. “I used to work for James Robison back in the 1970s, he leads a large Christian organization. He, himself, was the result of a forcible rape. And so I know it happens, and yet even from those horrible, horrible tragedies of rape, which are inexcusable and indefensible, life has come and sometimes, you know, those people are able to do extraordinary things.”


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Old 08-22-2012, 09:46 AM
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Default Re: True Christian Guide to Avoiding Legitimate Rape

Jesus will protect me against rapists!
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Old 08-22-2012, 12:03 PM
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Default Re: True Christian Guide to Avoiding Legitimate Rape

Quote:
Originally Posted by Felicity View Post
Jesus will protect me against rapists!
Naturally! "God never gives you more than you can bear."
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Amen Bathfire E
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And all the rest are damned.
There’s room enough in hell for you—
We don’t want heaven crammed.
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Old 08-22-2012, 07:45 PM
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Default Re: True Christian Guide to Avoiding Legitimate Rape

I have JESUS on my underwear for protection. The reason is twofold.

1. JESUS will protect me from rape.

2. If 1 fails, hopefully the rapist will see JESUS' face and stop and repent.



Helpful,

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Old 08-23-2012, 12:22 AM
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Default Re: True Christian Guide to Avoiding Legitimate Rape

Does this mean that if you're already pregnant you can't get raped?

I hope so, because that would mean I can't get raped for at least six months I think. Aaron thinks the Mexicans that mow our lawn want to rape me and throw me down the old well behind the hog pen. That's why he locks me in the root cellar on Tuesdays.



YIC


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Aaron said I should have this for my signature to remind me how to be a good wife.

"Feminism is a socialist, anti-family, political movement that encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism and become lesbians."

Pat Robertson
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Old 08-23-2012, 03:40 AM
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Default Re: True Christian Guide to Avoiding Legitimate Rape

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mrs. Naomi Portway View Post
Does this mean that if you're already pregnant you can't get raped?

I hope so, because that would mean I can't get raped for at least six months I think. Aaron thinks the Mexicans that mow our lawn want to rape me and throw me down the old well behind the hog pen. That's why he locks me in the root cellar on Tuesdays.



YIC


Mrs. Aaron Portway
You are a very lucky young lady having a husband that cares so much about your welfare.
I hope you are still ALWAYS receptive every time he wants to express his love physically.

Ephesians 5:2 Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord.


YIC

Jack
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Old 08-24-2012, 03:03 PM
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Default Re: True Christian Guide to Avoiding Legitimate Rape

No white man would ever rape me, even if I axed him to.
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Old 08-24-2012, 03:17 PM
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Question Re: True Christian Guide to Avoiding Legitimate Rape

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jack O'fagan View Post
You are a very lucky young lady having a husband that cares so much about your welfare.
I hope you are still ALWAYS receptive every time he wants to express his love physically.

Ephesians 5:2 Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord.


YIC

Jack
I hope she knows how lucky she is! I know
I always am receptive every time my husband needs to express his love to me physically. I do not get locked away in the cellar or one of the dog cages when the workers are out on my husband's farm, is he trying to tell me something that I need to do a better job to be worth protecting? He does put me in the dog kennel with my Bible if he's going to be away from the house for too long so I don't get into any trouble being such a stupid girl.
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Old 08-24-2012, 03:33 PM
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Default Re: True Christian Guide to Avoiding Legitimate Rape

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mrs. Naomi Portway View Post
I hope so, because that would mean I can't get raped for at least six months I think. Aaron thinks the Mexicans that mow our lawn want to rape me and throw me down the old well behind the hog pen.
Thank you for introducing me to a genuinely new concept!

This is the first time I've actually cared what you have to say!

Glory!

The obvious point here is that now we know that if you were indeed to turn up sexually assaulted and dead down that well we would know who to blame!

No need to worry the Police: just a good old fashioned spic whooping!

YIC
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Revelation 22:15 For without are dogs, and sorcerers, and whoremongers, and murderers, and idolaters, and whosoever loveth and maketh a lie.

Leviticus 20:13 If a man also lie with mankind, as he lieth with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination: they shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them.
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Old 08-24-2012, 03:38 PM
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Default Re: True Christian Guide to Avoiding Legitimate Rape

Quote:
Originally Posted by Obedient Wife View Post
I hope she knows how lucky she is! I know
I always am receptive every time my husband needs to express his love to me physically. I do not get locked away in the cellar or one of the dog cages when the workers are out on my husband's farm, is he trying to tell me something that I need to do a better job to be worth protecting? He does put me in the dog kennel with my Bible if he's going to be away from the house for too long so I don't get into any trouble being such a stupid girl.
Aaron wanted me to ask you what the heck you're talking about and to tell you to mind your own damn business. He said he knows what's best for me and that I don't need to listen to some stupid slut with a ball in her mouth.
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Aaron said I should have this for my signature to remind me how to be a good wife.

"Feminism is a socialist, anti-family, political movement that encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism and become lesbians."

Pat Robertson
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Old 08-24-2012, 03:40 PM
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Default Re: True Christian Guide to Avoiding Legitimate Rape

Amen, Sister

If only more selfish stumpets, slags and whores would follow your carefully thought out wisdom they save literally hundreds of tax payers dollars every year that goes on federal rape crisis services.

Not to mention when the real victim of consensual rape goes to jail and looses his job and ability to reach for the American Dream©.

It seems to me stumpets who have not followed your advice hate America, Capitalism and God.

YIC
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1 Corinthians 11:3 But I would have you know, that the head of every man is Christ; and the head of the woman is the man; and the head of Christ is God.

Revelation 22:15 For without are dogs, and sorcerers, and whoremongers, and murderers, and idolaters, and whosoever loveth and maketh a lie.

Leviticus 20:13 If a man also lie with mankind, as he lieth with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination: they shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them.
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Old 08-27-2012, 10:27 PM
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Default Re: True Christian Guide to Avoiding Legitimate Rape

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Originally Posted by Mrs. Naomi Portway View Post
That's why he locks me in the root cellar on Tuesdays.
Ah, so that explains why you're never to be found when it's Aaron's turn to host the Men's Tuesday Night Prayer Circle!

I admit to having had some disturbing thoughts in wondering about your absence. "Perhaps," I said to myself, "the dear child fell down the stairs in the night, on her way to get a drink of water. Aaron, being a quiet and shy fellow, might have refrained from calling the coroner. Instead, it could be he carried her to the back yard tenderly, digging out a new garden bed as she lay beside him, bathed in the gentle moonlight, atop the steaming compost heap, surrounded by a softly shifting, shimmering cloud of flies buzzing a paean to her all-too-frail beauty. With each swing of his pickaxe, Aaron would curse himself for waiting three days to clean her off the stairs; he just had to be sure she was really dead!

"In this luxurious, rich garden bed his little Naomi would rest, eternally at peace, her shallow grave planted over with those two strange rows of tomatoes, swollen abnormally large and red, the only marker a wooden Popsicle stick cross upon which he'd carefully misspelled, "Beefstake". He'd have to disguise her absence through a clever ruse."

See, that's where I stopped. We all know Aaron isn't much good at clever ruses. So now we know you are alive and well!

This would make a great story for the Pediabear Mystery Series, don't you think?
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Old 08-27-2012, 11:01 PM
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Default Re: True Christian Guide to Avoiding Legitimate Rape

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Originally Posted by Rev. M. Rodimer View Post
Ah, so that explains why you're never to be found when it's Aaron's turn to host the Men's Tuesday Night Prayer Circle!

I admit to having had some disturbing thoughts in wondering about your absence. "Perhaps," I said to myself, "the dear child fell down the stairs in the night, on her way to get a drink of water. Aaron, being a quiet and shy fellow, might have refrained from calling the coroner. Instead, it could be he carried her to the back yard tenderly, digging out a new garden bed as she lay beside him, bathed in the gentle moonlight, atop the steaming compost heap, surrounded by a softly shifting, shimmering cloud of flies buzzing a paean to her all-too-frail beauty. With each swing of his pickaxe, Aaron would curse himself for waiting three days to clean her off the stairs; he just had to be sure she was really dead!

"In this luxurious, rich garden bed his little Naomi would rest, eternally at peace, her shallow grave planted over with those two strange rows of tomatoes, swollen abnormally large and red, the only marker a wooden Popsicle stick cross upon which he'd carefully misspelled, "Beefstake". He'd have to disguise her absence through a clever ruse."

See, that's where I stopped. We all know Aaron isn't much good at clever ruses. So now we know you are alive and well!

This would make a great story for the Pediabear Mystery Series, don't you think?
Sometimes you frighten me Reverend.
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Old 08-28-2012, 02:10 AM
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Default Re: True Christian Guide to Avoiding Legitimate Rape

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Originally Posted by Mrs. Naomi Portway View Post
Sometimes you frighten me Reverend.
I hope you will be reminded of just how fragile life is; God could snatch it away from you at any moment, leaving you buried in a vegetable garden!

Oh, please thank Aaron for the three jars of spaghetti sauce. He said you made it yourself with homegrown tomatoes, and that you really put a lot of yourself into it.

How did you know I love meat sauce best of all? Widow Helen and I had some of it over tortellini earlier tonight.
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  #15  
Old 09-02-2012, 05:31 AM
Bag of bad creepers Bag of bad creepers is offline
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Default Re: True Christian Guide to Avoiding Legitimate Rape

Legitimate rape .... Oxymormon.
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Old 09-02-2012, 06:40 AM
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Default Re: True Christian Guide to Avoiding Legitimate Rape

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Originally Posted by Bag of bad creepers View Post
Legitimate rape .... Oxymormon.
Actually, it's not. Sex is a choice. Women make this choice and later regret it (personally, I think it's because their soul is in pain for having defied the woman's natural instinct to wait until marriage to give her virginity to her husband as his rightful gift). When they regret it enough, they cry "rape" so as to deflect the blame from them and onto the men. It's the kind of thing feminizies like Gloria Steinem and Helen Gurley Brown have promoted for years. It just so happens that we've become so used to these cries of wolf that we assume they are legitimate. Only when rape is actually forced upon a woman (not because she's alluring the man or men, which is by far the most common situation), is it actually legitimate, thus the specification, "legitimate rape."

I hope that helps.

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Old 09-02-2012, 07:22 AM
Bag of bad creepers Bag of bad creepers is offline
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Default Re: True Christian Guide to Avoiding Legitimate Rape

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mary Etheldreda View Post
Actually, it's not. Sex is a choice. Women make this choice and later regret it (personally, I think it's because their soul is in pain for having defied the woman's natural instinct to wait until marriage to give her virginity to her husband as his rightful gift). When they regret it enough, they cry "rape" so as to deflect the blame from them and onto the men. It's the kind of thing feminizies like Gloria Steinem and Helen Gurley Brown have promoted for years. It just so happens that we've become so used to these cries of wolf that we assume they are legitimate. Only when rape is actually forced upon a woman (not because she's alluring the man or men, which is by far the most common situation), is it actually legitimate, thus the specification, "legitimate rape."

I hope that helps.

I am sure that there may be some cases of alleged rape that were actually consensual sex, to begin with. However, I have a problem with this claim of yours :

"IF you happen to be legitimately raped, that is, forced against your will, then you need not worry about getting pregnant. You see, our bodies were fearfully and wonderfully made! (Psalm 139:14) The LORD has provided within our bodies, the miraculous mechanics of thwarting unwanted seed!"

You seem to think that the biggest issue of rape is conception of the rapist's child and urge women not to "worry about it". Why do you neglect the fact that by being raped, a woman has been violated, regardless of whether she gets pregnant or not as a result of that violation ? And you further add insult to injury by blaming the victim - or rather, her style of dressing - for the attack.

Doesn't the Bible teach one of the concept of PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY ? If a man feels the need to attack a woman simply because he does not like the way that she is dressed, then he should not live in civilized society. AND, he not have a problem with being castrated by any woman that he attacks just because he does not like the way that she is clothed.

What's sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander, too. It is HIS fault that he got castrated for touching a woman against her will just like it is supposedly HER fault that she got raped for dressing immodestly.
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Old 09-02-2012, 07:49 AM
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Default Re: True Christian Guide to Avoiding Legitimate Rape

Quote:
Originally Posted by Bag of bad creepers View Post
You seem to think that the biggest issue of rape is conception of the rapist's child and urge women not to "worry about it". Why do you neglect the fact that by being raped, a woman has been violated, regardless of whether she gets pregnant or not as a result of that violation ? And you further add insult to injury by blaming the victim - or rather, her style of dressing - for the attack.
Friend, if I eat a half gallon of rocky road ice cream, have I been "violated" because my skirts are a little too snug?



Quote:
Originally Posted by Bag of bad creepers View Post
Doesn't the Bible teach one of the concept of PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY ? If a man feels the need to attack a woman simply because he does not like the way that she is dressed, then he should not live in civilized society. AND, he not have a problem with being castrated by any woman that he attacks just because he does not like the way that she is clothed.
You seem to forget that to live in a civilized society, we must expect everyone to do their part. Women must not dangle the otherwise "forbidden fruit" of her most prized possession in front of those who fight the battle of lust, which is a part of a man's nature. It's like saying the lion should be punished for biting the hand of the zoo-keeper for holding a steak in reach. The lion can't help but attack meat. It is his nature to do such a thing.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Bag of bad creepers View Post
What's sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander, too. It is HIS fault that he got castrated for touching a woman against her will just like it is supposedly HER fault that she got raped for dressing immodestly.
That's a naive way to look at it. In reality, the man is created to be visually stimulated. The man has no choice. The woman has the choice to either draw attention to herself or not. In nearly every case, with the possible exception of a homeless, negro, crack-addict, the woman could have prevented the sexual act. Because of that very fact, it cannot be considered rape even if she feels it was. Emotions can be misleading you know. That's why True Christians™ walk by faith, not by sight (2 Corinthians 5:7).
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Old 09-02-2012, 08:06 AM
Bag of bad creepers Bag of bad creepers is offline
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Default Re: True Christian Guide to Avoiding Legitimate Rape

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mary Etheldreda View Post
Friend, if I eat a half gallon of rocky road ice cream, have I been "violated" because my skirts are a little too snug?

This is the most PROFOUND piece of nonsense that I've read on this site.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Mary Etheldreda View Post
ou seem to forget that to live in a civilized society, we must expect everyone to do their part. Women must not dangle the otherwise "forbidden fruit" of her most prized possession in front of those who fight the battle of lust, which is a part of a man's nature. It's like saying the lion should be punished for biting the hand of the zoo-keeper for holding a steak in reach. The lion can't help but attack meat. It is his nature to do such a thing.
So, men are a barbarous lot with no more self control or sense of personal accountability than a wild animal ? Very good, Mary. This is a start.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mary Etheldreda View Post
tThat's a naive way to look at it. In reality, the man is created to be visually stimulated. The man has no choice. The woman has the choice to either draw attention to herself or not. In nearly every case, with the possible exception of a homeless, negro, crack-addict, the woman could have prevented the sexual act. Because of that very fact, it cannot be considered rape even if she feels it was. Emotions can be misleading you know. That's why True Christians™ walk by faith, not by sight (2 Corinthians 5:7).
If so, then the man should ignore what he sees and operate solely from faith. That means that he only has sex with his own wife (with her consent, of course), and not with every female primate that he spots who is dressed "inappropriately". Good Christian men do not walk purely by sight, after all !
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Old 09-02-2012, 08:10 AM
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Default Re: True Christian Guide to Avoiding Legitimate Rape

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Originally Posted by Bag of bad creepers View Post
If so, then the man should ignore what he sees and operate solely from faith. That means that he only has sex with his own wife (with her consent, of course), and not with every female primate that he spots who is dressed "inappropriately". Good Christian men do not walk purely by sight, after all !
Ye shall know them by their fruits. Do men gather grapes of thorns, or figs of thistles?
Matthew 7:16


Which is why you will never see a True Christian™ man rape a woman, or a True Christian™ woman cry "rape."

I think you're starting to catch on!

Oh I have such high hopes for you!
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