Are you up to the Landover Challenge?

[Bobby-Joe]

Friend,

Are you looking to get close to Christ but just can’t? Is there something holding you back from accepting Jesus as your personal savior? Well maybe it is time for you to experience a Landover Spiritual Intervention.

In a Landover Spiritual Intervention one of our Landover TRUE Christian Salvation Councilors will come directly to your home and teach you to open your heart to Jesus. Their years of experience with driving the Satan out of sinners will give you a spiritual Covering that is guaranteed to last a lifetime or your money back! With the Landover’s patened AOT(All Options On The Table) method of Ministry only Landover can brag of a 100% success rate.

That is right 100% success rate! All of our clients have said “Save me Jesus” by the time we are done with them.

Sounds good to you?

Well here is what you need to do; send $5,000 USD, your home address, phone number and a round trip air ticket for one from Des Moines, Iowa to the nearest major airport to were you live to Landover Baptist Church, Freehold Iowa. Once your request is confirmed by the Church Reservations Office you merely need to supply a box of surgical gloves, large plastic tie wraps, 40 feet of nylon rope, one gallon of gasoline and two wooden baseball bats. Landover will do the rest!

So put your order in now. The End maybe near and Guaranteed Salvation is only a phone call away. That is 1-800-I-LUV-JESUS to begin your journey to Christ.

[Pastor Rune Enoe]

Re: Are you up to the Landover Challenge?

That's a migthy Christian thing you are doing there, Bobby-Joe. Now that the sinners have received the challenge, they'll be totally bereft of excuses, once they are standing before Jesus' throne and He asks them why they haven't followed His unmistakable commands (KJV1611).

One thing puzzles me though: The sinners are told so send, quote, a round trip air ticket for one, unquote. Does that mean that you guys in the security detail are doing this alone - without the supervision of a True Christian™ pastor?

[Bobby-Joe]

Re: Are you up to the Landover Challenge?

That's a migthy Christian thing you are doing there, Bobby-Joe. Now that the sinners have received the challenge, they'll be totally bereft of excuses, once they are standing before Jesus' throne and He asks them why they haven't followed His unmistakable commands (KJV1611).

One thing puzzles me though: The sinners are told so send, quote, a round trip air ticket for one, unquote. Does that mean that you guys in the security detail are doing this alone - without the supervision of a True Christian™ pastor?

Excellent question Brother Prune and I am glad you brought that up; with our DoF approved prayer positions we are positive that any single pastor can handle the most rambunctious of demons in a repenting sinner. So effective are this prayer positions that more than a few repentants have begged for Christ’s mercy just after the first time they were allowed to breath!

Let us take a peak at some of our TRUE Christian Salvation Councilors and you will see why they want to battle Satan one on one.

Pastor Billy Schulz. Pastor Billy, graduate of the Landover Christian University is a pioneer in the new field of rectal demonic possession. Using his own Holy Ghost Coloniscope Pastor Billy ferrets out this minions of the Dark One from the Repentant’s own lower intestine. Pastor Billy’s motto is “let the crooked way be made strait for the Lord“.

Pastor Wesley Miller. Pastor Wes came to Jesus while serving a ten year sentence in the Iowa State Prison system thanks to the help of the Landover High Risk Prisoner Missionary Program. So enthusiastic was Wes’ passion for the Lord that Landover successfully petitioned the Governor of Iowa to get Wes’ pardon. Now Pastor Wes can be in your own home sharing Pastor Wes’ love for Christ with you!

Pastor Jim “The Apostle” Teshman. Pastor Jim was a member of the special forces fighting Satan and Al Quida in Afghanistan before a head combat injuries forced his discharged from the military. Now dedicated to living his life fully in the imitation of Christ, Pastor Jim combines his exhaustive biblical knowledge with his extensive combat training. “Never let the devil see you coming” is Pastor Jim’s motto so let yourself be the target of one of Pastor Jim’s Lamb of God Surprise Attacks.

[Pastor Rune Enoe]

Re: Are you up to the Landover Challenge?

Excellent question Brother Prune and I am glad you brought that up; with our DoF approved prayer positions we are positive that any single pastor can handle the most rambunctious of demons in a repenting sinner. So effective are this prayer positions that more than a few repentants have begged for Christ’s mercy just after the first time they were allowed to breath!

Let us take a peak at some of our TRUE Christian Salvation Councilors and you will see why they want to battle Satan one on one.

Pastor Billy Schulz. Pastor Billy, graduate of the Landover Christian University is a pioneer in the new field of rectal demonic possession. Using his own Holy Ghost Coloniscope Pastor Billy ferrets out this minions of the Dark One from the Repentant’s own lower intestine. Pastor Billy’s motto is “let the crooked way be made strait for the Lord“.

Pastor Wesley Miller. Pastor Wes came to Jesus while serving a ten year sentence in the Iowa State Prison system thanks to the help of the Landover High Risk Prisoner Missionary Program. So enthusiastic was Wes’ passion for the Lord that Landover successfully petitioned the Governor of Iowa to get Wes’ pardon. Now Pastor Wes can be in your own home sharing Pastor Wes’ love for Christ with you!

Pastor Jim “The Apostle” Teshman. Pastor Jim was a member of the special forces fighting Satan and Al Quida in Afghanistan before a head combat injuries forced his discharged from the military. Now dedicated to living his life fully in the imitation of Christ, Pastor Jim combines his exhaustive biblical knowledge with his extensive combat training. “Never let the devil see you coming” is Pastor Jim’s motto so let yourself be the target of one of Pastor Jim’s Lamb of God Surprise Attacks.

I must say you guys have assembled a cracking team there. Miller is the one who's known as "the Cable Guy". Right?

I'm glad to see Teshman is back in the States. I always felt he was treated unfairly by the judge. In my opinion the prosecution didn't have a leg to stand on - and neither had any of their witnesses.

All in all it sounds like a terrific deal, Booby-Joe. It almost makes me sad that I'm already eternally saved so I'm unable to take advantage of your offer (just kidding, of course).

[Bobby-Joe]

Re: Are you up to the Landover Challenge?

I must say you guys have assembled a cracking team there. Miller is the one who's known as "the Cable Guy". Right?

He only used a cable the first two times so that nickname was totally unfair.

I'm glad to see Teshman is back in the States. I always felt he was treated unfairly by the judge. In my opinion the prosecution didn't have a leg to stand on - and neither had any of their witnesses.

It just shows you the kind of liberal activism that is going on this courts today that they would persecute a war veteran for his simple enthusiasm for Christ.

All in all it sounds like a terrific deal, Booby-Joe. It almost makes me sad that I'm already eternally saved so I'm unable to take advantage of your offer (just kidding, of course).

Yes Brother Prune, PRAISE Jesus none of us TRUE Christians require this kind of treatment.

[Rachael Van Helsing]

Re: Are you up to the Landover Challenge?

I think I can speak for many a heathen when I say.....SWEET MERCIFUL CRAWDADS!!!

[Bobby-Joe]

Re: Are you up to the Landover Challenge?

I think I can speak for many a heathen when I say.....SWEET MERCIFUL CRAWDADS!!!

What ever is the problem. All we are offering is a simple self improvement service. Perhaps some of our consulars are a tad unconventional but that hardly invalidates the concept.

[WilliamJenningsBryan]

Re: Are you up to the Landover Challenge?

What ever is the problem. All we are offering is a simple self improvement service. Perhaps some of our consulars are a tad unconventional but that hardly invalidates the concept.

Amen Pastor BJ, and extremely cost effective. Think what it would cost to go to a sickular book store and buy and read a stack of those namby-pamby "self improvement" books like "Chicken Soup for Jesus". Parents will be clamoring for this service to deal with their demon infested Goth children. It reminds me of the days of the flower carrying "Moonies" that used to hang around airports. A good punch to the face was all that was necessary to de-program them from the effects of Reverend Sun Myung Moon and his Unification Church.

[Brother Temperance]

Re: Are you up to the Landover Challenge?

I think I can speak for many a heathen when I say.....SWEET MERCIFUL CRAWDADS!!!

See? Even the Godless witch cannot contain her wild enthusiasm for this glorious offer! PRAISE!

[Rachael Van Helsing]

Re: Are you up to the Landover Challenge?

What ever is the problem. All we are offering is a simple self improvement service. Perhaps some of our consulars are a tad unconventional but that hardly invalidates the concept.

Well, I'll just say this. Seeing as the offer is so damned expensive, no one in their right mind would take it. Therefore, there is no need for worry.

See? Even the Godless witch cannot contain her wild enthusiasm for this glorious offer! PRAISE!

Uhhhh...that wasn't enthusiasm.

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Re: Are you up to the Landover Challenge?

Well, I'll just say this. Seeing as the offer is so damned expensive, no one in their right mind would take it. Therefore, there is no need for worry.

If I were you I'd be plenty worried. Whatever the cost of Salvation, the alternative is unthinkable. To be separated from our Sweet Saviour and chained up in satan's rape rooms for all eternity is more than anyone can bear.

You'll regret each and every penny you refused to turn over to Jesus one hundred fold, believe me, VanChowderhead.

[Rachael Van Helsing]

Re: Are you up to the Landover Challenge?

If I were you I'd be plenty worried. Whatever the cost of Salvation, the alternative is unthinkable. To be separated from our Sweet Saviour and chained up in satan's rape rooms for all eternity is more than anyone can bear.

Actually, if I believed in heaven and hell, that would sound like a far better alternative than spending forever in the company of xtians singing praises to an egotistical deity forever.

You'll regret each and every penny you refused to turn over to Jesus one hundred fold, believe me, VanChowderhead.

Why?

[SUV]

Re: Are you up to the Landover Challenge?

Bobby-Joe! + JESUS!

Has ever a more Potent combination been available to the average Sinner?

I said, do it NOW!!!!!

[Rachael Van Helsing]

Re: Are you up to the Landover Challenge?

You think this a good idea, then, SUV?

[Brother Temperance]

Re: Are you up to the Landover Challenge?

You think this a good idea, then, SUV?

Everyone in their right minds thinks that this is a good idea! Why, it's such a good idea, we're willing to let you try it on credit! All you need do now is send your home address, phone number, the round trip air ticket, the box of surgical gloves, large plastic tie wraps, 40 feet of nylon rope, one gallon of gasoline and two wooden baseball bats to us, and we'll let you pay the rest in four easy installments of just $2,000 each! It doesn't get much better than that.