[Pastor Al E Pistle]

Re: SO YOU WANT TO BECOME A PASTOR!

Alright. In that case, you're a four eyed stuck up old man. Right? That's what YOUR picture says pastor.

Son, you need to learn the difference between physical traits, which MAY be see in pictures, and personality traits which never are. Once you have that sorted out, you need to work on your powers of observation. HOW MANY EYES DO YOU SEE IN MY PICTURE?

[Sister Noddy]

Re: SO YOU WANT TO BECOME A PASTOR!

Booby-Joe. You are the ONLY person who has shown the slightest kindness to me on this forum besides Hitoshi. I want to know that why, if you are trying to save me, I am insulted and called a 'poofter' among a few names. Surley, the way to go about saving someone is teaching them kindly, not insulting them?

Do you honestly think we have been mean to you, goats? It's tough love, we only want what's best for you in the long run, which is salvation in Jesus, through the True™ Word of the Bible.

Do you know that most who say they believe are false-christians, and so many of them have never even read the Bible; or they have read parts of false editions of the Bible; or they have been given false information by false teachers and preachers. When (and if) they ever start reading and studying the Bible as it actually is, they are shocked! They run away whining to their friends that it can't be true, God couldn't have meant this, or that. But Jesus hates a whiner!

We merely want to warn you against this, even if we have to bop you over the head to get you to see it. After all, you are only fourteen years old! You have your whole life ahead of you, best to get on the right track to the truth early on!

[Goats]

Re: SO YOU WANT TO BECOME A PASTOR!

O.K. I cannot take you people much longer. I have tried to reason with you. I have prayed for your understanding towards me. I have reasoned with you. But all I receive is torment and abuse from the members here. So I shall return it all in kindness. You are the biggest bunch of stuck up pricks since the prick was first created by God. I have seen piles of mould that look better than most of you, in fact, the only difference between you and mould is that mould is better looking and is easier to stand on. You refuse to believe anything remotely happy, or logical. You are obsessed with the fact that everyone unlike you is off to hell to be ass raped by fiery demons of hell which sound similar to yourselves, and have your heads up your own asses thinking that you're off to heaven to live a happy eternity. The majority of you are probably just big fake gay men who like to torment other happy people and make their lives as miserable as you can. You live in a country where violence is its main money maker and sex and drugs follow closely behind. Summing up, your a bunch or racist shit faced wankers that believe a pile of crap about nothing. Ban me if you want, I don't give a crap. You people sicken me...

[Goats]

Re: SO YOU WANT TO BECOME A PASTOR!

If you want salvation then this will give you a mroe clear view

http://objectiveministries.org/shutdown/faq.html

and this site will get you more saved than landover baptists can

http://www.religioustolerance.org/satanis1.htm

[Bobby-Joe]

Re: SO YOU WANT TO BECOME A PASTOR!

If you want salvation then this will give you a mroe clear view

http://objectiveministries.org/shutdown/faq.html

and this site will get you more saved than landover baptists can

http://www.religioustolerance.org/satanis1.htm

Objective Ministry is a bunch of heretics that hate everything decent in Christianity. As for the Church of Satan goes my Jesus OS won't even let me look at it

Really friend, we've only tried to help you, these two posts of yours' is a spiteful and vicious attack on us.

[Pastor Al E Pistle]

Re: SO YOU WANT TO BECOME A PASTOR!

If you want salvation then this will give you a mroe clear view

http://objectiveministries.org/shutdown/faq.html

and this site will get you more saved than landover baptists can

http://www.religioustolerance.org/satanis1.htm

I hate to tell you this....I suppose you hadn't heard. Jim Carlson, from Operation Landover Shutdown stopped updating his site in June of 2003. That is when a large semi with a 40 foot trailer jumped the curb and ran poor Jim down as he was making his nightly walk to the liquor store with his three Pekingese dogs. They managed to identify Jim from dental records, but no one ever determined which dog was which from the pink stains on the sidewalk.

Sadly, although we at Landover offered to send in our best detectives and in spite of there being numerous witnesses, neither the truck or driver were ever identified. As a courtesy to Jim's memory, we have been financing that website ever since just to show how tolerant we are of opposing viewpoints. That horrid story that we own the site and leave it up as a warning to others is just silly nonsense!

We pray for Jim's rotten soul and hope that he is enjoying HELL, where he surely went for besmirching our good name!

[Goats]

Re: SO YOU WANT TO BECOME A PASTOR!

Doesn't stop you from being a fricking retarded dip shit though, does it Pastor Pissface?

[SalvationSeeker]

Re: SO YOU WANT TO BECOME A PASTOR!

Doesn't stop you from being a fricking retarded dip shit though, does it Pastor Pissface?

Seems like someone got their panties in a bunch..
Are you seriously saying we've ever spoken to you like this?
Don't be stupid.

We've only pointed out obvious truths.
You disobey the Bible & blaspheme God - Thus you are, a false teacher.
You refuse to listen to, or consider everything that opposes your view, including the Bible and reality - And that makes you an arrogant brat.
And all this immature crying and insult tossing you currently display is why you are a poofter.

See, all fact.

I can't believe that someone like you, a 14year old CHILD who ignores the Bible, contradicts Himself,
is a liar by own admittance, and throws childish insults around when he cannot defend his silly beliefs -
Can at the same time claim to be chosen by God to preach and teach!
Get thee hence, despite better knowledge we've given you a chance to prove your beliefs and act maturely..
And you reward our kindness by spitting in our (and Jesus) face.


You're currently on the fast track towards eternal damnation, and no childish insult you can think up could ever change that.
Only accepting the TRUE Jesus (ie not the one found in your fantasies but the real one found in reality and the Bible) could change that.

[Pastor Al E Pistle]

Re: SO YOU WANT TO BECOME A PASTOR!

Doesn't stop you from being a fricking retarded dip shit though, does it Pastor Pissface?

Hahahaha! See Friends? SATAN ALWAYS shows himself. You must simply call out in the name of JESUS and demons completely lose their minds. If I had wanted to waste a few more minutes, I could have demonstrated how to actually INTERROGATE demons and get information about SATAN'S plans. It's easy, but you have to be careful you don't end up talking directly to SATAN who will try to steal your soul on the spot. Only those strong in the faith are allowed to interrogate demons!

[Bobby-Joe]

Re: SO YOU WANT TO BECOME A PASTOR!

Doesn't stop you from being a fricking retarded dip shit though, does it Pastor Pissface?

Listen sonny boy,

That kind of tap dancing may play well in the bathroom with your boyfriend but we here at Landover have some stands. You do not go around attacking a kindly old man like Pastor Pistol you young punk. You keep this up Satan will be scream “Pastor Pissface” into your ear every time he bends your’ soft, smooth behind over a lava vent in Hell! Now straiten up before it is too late!

[Pastor Al E Pistle]

Lesson 3

Pastor Al E. Pistle's


PASTORAL THEOLOGY

III. LEGITIMATE FIELD OF PASTORAL INFLUENCE.

1. His commission is from Christ, an ambassador.
2. If sent of God, he is His representative.
3. To assert His claims and secure universal obedience.
4. His field extends as far as the claims of God.
5. To all the moral conduct of the flock.
6. He should teach, advise, reprove, warn, rebuke, persuade, and command, in God's name on all moral questions.
7. In public, social, private, domestic questions.
8. Should allow no limitation of his legitimate sphere, short of the claims of God.
9. He has the right, for it is his duty to teach, reprove, rebuke, persuade, and interfere, whenever and wherever it is necessary to prevent sin and secure obedience.
10. Also, on all questions, public, social, private, domestic, that involve questions of duty to God or man.
11. All questions of public or private weal come within the true intent and meaning of his commission.
12. He is commissioned to all individuals, hence to the whole.
13. He can influence the masses only as he influences the individuals that compose the masses.
14. His aim is to mold private, individual character.
15. And thus secure the highest usefulness and final salvation of everyone.
16. Pastors should never admit that they are out of their appropriate sphere, when urging any claim of God. All are amenable to God.
17. The time, place, manner and circumstances of his teaching and interference should be guided by prayerful and well-considered discretion.
18. He should aim to form and control public opinion on all moral subjects. All Christians should co-operate.
19. To keep out all antichristian opinion and influences.
20. To promote the right kind and extent of education.
21. To secure public libraries of the best books.
22. To discourage the reading of injurious ones.
23. To rightly form the political opinions of all classes.
24. To regulate their pursuits and amusements.
25. To lead the way in all that concerns the well-being of the flock and community.
26. He is the appointed overseer. He has the oversight.
27. This idea will define the limits of his commission.
28. Remarks:

(1) A pastor must be a laborious man. (2) He needs to be more than an ordinary man.
(3) Also a considerate and cautious man.
(4) A wise man, apt to forecast results.
(5) An unselfish man.
(6) To have a single eye to the good of the flock.
(7) A patient man, slow to anger.
(8) A meek man -- if resentful, he will lose influence.
(9) A man of great faith.
(10) A man of large hope.
(11) A persevering man.
(12) Organize donation parties.
(13) Should not too much fear to be called eccentric.
(14) Nor to be an imitator, if the model be good.

[Brother Temperance]

Re: Lesson 3

I am from a church that has no origins.

Our Church has its origins in the teachings of Jesus Christ. I know which one I prefer.

I'm not the leader of the whole church, no. I am not the best preacher in my youth group either. I like to try my best though. You say that we only preach hippy-dippy things to the congregation. The only thing you seem to preach is whiny complaints about other races who aren't like you, and how WalMart is being bad for not saying Happy Christmas in OCTOBER!

Friend, have you seen our Bible in a Year forum? How many other Churches are dedicated enough to go through THE ENTIRE BIBLE like that?

But whilst we're on the subject here, I'll repeat what my BAPTIST R.E teacher

Does that stand for Retarded Education? Must be a horrible job.

at school said when I showed her this site:
'There are some weird people out there, 'Ghost.' They are misguided by their brains, and temptation from the devil. Though these number are few, they must be prayed for, so they may be forgiven before it is too late. They preach hatred towards negros and other forms of Christianity.

Your Retarded Education teacher thinks negroes are a form of Christianity? No wonder the poor woman can't get a job that doesn't involve working with retardeds.

They work against the disabled and mock everyone who is unlike them through insult, and use of scriptures that they use literally.

How else are we supposed to use Scripture? As toilet paper?

Yet you call Hitoshi, a Japanese person, 'slit eyed' and 'yellow skinned'? That's not racism is it?

You want that we should call him round eyed and pink skinned? Lying to the poor nipper's hardly going to help him get Saved, is it?

O.K. I cannot take you people much longer. I have tried to reason with you. I have prayed for your understanding towards me.

Proof that you're praying to the wrong god.

I have seen piles of mould that look better than most of you, in fact, the only difference between you and mould is that mould is better looking and is easier to stand on.

Wait a second...are you admitting that your mongoloid demons have forced you to attempt fornication with mould? If we could get footage of this and sell it to the secular television stations, we could make millions for JESUS!

You refuse to believe anything remotely happy.

That's just a flat-out lie. I believe I will spend eternity sipping pear cordial and gin with Jesus while we point and laugh as FINNISH demons tear your innards out and scatter them around like confetti. How is that not happy?

You are obsessed with the fact that everyone unlike you is off to hell to be ass raped by fiery demons of hell which sound similar to yourselves.

And you're prepared to just sit back and allow everyone unlike us to be ass-raped by fiery demons for eternity? How callous are you?

The majority of you are probably just big fake gay men who like to torment other happy people and make their lives as miserable as you can.

For the record, I'm pretty sure I'm not a big fake gay man. Who precisely do you think is a big fake gay man? Sister Templeton?

You live in a country where violence is its main money maker and sex and drugs follow closely behind.

Wrong again, retarded. The US' major export is capital goods, such as transistors, aircraft, motor vehicle parts, computers, telecommunications equipment. Industrial supplies make up another 26.8% of its exports. How exactly is that violent or sexy?

Summing up, your a bunch or racist shit faced wankers that believe a pile of crap about nothing.

You call God nothing? Given those options, I suppose we'd have to be described as a bunch.

[Godless Liberal]

Re: SO YOU WANT TO BECOME A PASTOR!

God came to me last night and requested that I become a pastor. So let's get with the paperwork.

[Andrew Barrick]

Re: SO YOU WANT TO BECOME A PASTOR!

Satan's hackers are at it again. The nerve of them, thinking they could make a good man look like he's in favor of female pastors. That's outrageous! If God wanted female pastors, He would have made us men!

Very observant, especially for a woman. I believe that I am called to Pastor. Is there anyone who would mentor me? I am more than willing to be a shepherd of the flock, as Pastor Pistle so aptly put it.

[Brother Guy Bayard]

Re: SO YOU WANT TO BECOME A PASTOR!

Doesn't stop you from being a fricking retarded dip shit though, does it Pastor Pissface?

I think she has sand in her vagina. She's a very masculine looking woman - maybe she's a Nun?