[Rev. Jim Osborne]

Re: Top Ten Questions to Ask Your Atheist Science Teacher!

It's that time of the year again, kids. Don't be afraid to drop these questions on your first day! Be relentless! TEACH THE CONTROVERSY!

[Dr. Ernest C. Ville, D.C.S.]

Re: Top Ten Questions to Ask Your Atheist Science Teacher!

Amen Jim!

It is Back-To-School time this years, and that means it is time to stock up on the necessities! I have compiled a short list of highly useful school supplies that can also help in your ministry with Jesus:

1. Pencils with Bible Verses inscribed on them.
All schoolchildren will forget their pens and/or pencils at some point in the school year. Now you can be there to offer them a pen or pencil with your favorite Bible verse! As they struggle for answers on the test, they will find the only answer they ever need written right on the side of their writing implement: Jesus!

2. Chick Tracts
Now Obama may have outlawed Christianity in schools, but we don't have to listen to him, do we kids? Make the Lord Jesus proud by buying packs of Chick Tracts and blanket the school with them. Stuff them in locker vents, put them in vending machines, tuck them in between your $20 bills as you pay for your lunch for Doris the lunch lady. The possibilities are limitless!

3. Trendy Advertising
We've all see the hot-pink XXXXL sweatpants with JUICY written on the behind that your average high school chubster wears. Now imagine that with JESUS written in sparkles on your behind. Instead of advertising your own tushie, advertise for JESUS. And for the boys, instead of wearing "ED HARDY", wear "APOSTLE PAUL". It's the same Made-in-Japan quality product, except you earn bonus Heaven points! Far out, dude!

4. Up-to-date vocabulary
When you receive a test back with a good grade, instead of saying "cool", or "yesss", say "Praise Jesus", or "Thank you Lord". Like all pro athletes, make sure to thank the Lord for your successes. However, what most people fail to realize is that it is just as important to blame our failures on Satan. If you are the first one out in dodgeball, make sure that everyone knows that Satan is tempting your faith. When you are asked to stop preaching from the hallways, cry persecution, while dialing your lawyer. If your lunch is particularly tasteless, remind people that the Israelites only ate manna in the desert for FORTY YEARS.

5. Stickers
Lots of them. "Teach the controversy", "I didn't come from an ape", "Hitler loved Darwin". All the classics. Paste them wherever you can. In the name of religious freedom and separation of Church & State, Christians across America have been covering every surface in sight with not only Chick tracts but also with these stickers. They remind people at every turn that the world is about to end and that they must turn to Jesus.

Feel free to expand upon this list, but it is an abbreviated version of some items that can make this school year a blast for you and for Jesus!

[Holy Henry]

Re: Top Ten Questions to Ask Your Atheist Science Teacher!

Then there is the most important question of all to ask your science teacher....

11) Why do you hate God?

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Re: Top Ten Questions to Ask Your Atheist Science Teacher!

Then there is the most important question of all to ask your science teacher....

11) Why do you hate God?

AMEN!!

[Jim C. Lombardo]

Re: Top Ten Questions to Ask Your Atheist Science Teacher!

Here's my question to a slyence teacher.

Can Charlies Darwin prevent me from punching the living daylights out of you?

[Achaia]

Re: Top Ten Questions to Ask Your Atheist Science Teacher!

Thank you for thus very useful list. It is good to have your guidance in this world of Atheist scum.

[Des]

Re: Top Ten Questions to Ask Your Atheist Science Teacher!

Thank you for thus very useful list. It is good to have your guidance in this world of Atheist scum.

Sugarplum, I know those dainty little female brains can only learn about a quarter of what a man's brain can, but surely you can train yourself to remember not to capitalize the word atheist unless beginning a sentence with it.

Atheism is not a proper noun, and whilst we all know that it really is a religion, atheists claim it isn't. So since we are pretending that it is not a religion, we don't capitalize it.

Now go look in a mirror and repeat to yourself "Do not capitalize atheist, stupid." and punctuate each word by slapping yourself in the face so you'll remember. Then go bake some cookies and reward yourself with one. Okay, sweetie?