Tweet
Coloring Books
Coloring books trick children into going against God's will. The Lord made everything a certain color. The sky is blue. Grass is green. Given a coloring book and a box of crayons, most kids will desecrate God's great design with orange dogs and purple trees, which pretty much guarantees eternal damnation. I have only wanted to change the natural color of something twice in my life, and that was Barack Obama when he won the presidency and my wife for a stretch in the 80s when I had an Asian fetish.
If you must buy your child a coloring book, pre-color it for him or her. You'll not only be saving your little one work, you'll be saving his or her soul.
Rocking Horses
A rocking horse simulates sexual congress and stimulates the young rider's genitals. Pleasure is being derived from a horse; ergo, the rider will grow up to be attracted to horses. Do not allow your child to mount a rocking horse. Your young one may grow up to star in a production of Equus or hang out at racetracks to play the horses without actually placing a bet.
Bowling Balls
Bowling balls encourage youngsters to stick their fingers in holes. If that doesn't fill you with moral outrage, then you are Satan himself (if you are Satan, please stop making me have weird thoughts about Zac Efron).
Baseball Cards
Having pictures of men is gay. Having pictures of men accompanied by statistics and biographical information is gayer. I haven't actually read the back of a baseball card, but more than likely tallywacker size is included. Given that all baseball players use steroids, I would guess that figure is pretty unimpressive. The term "big league" is a misnomer, folks.
Jolly Jumping Jack
Jolly Jumping Jack plays about as hard to get as a Carrot Top joke. Pull the cord, and he spreads his legs. A word of advice, Jack: if you want a child to respect you, wait until the fifth play date.
Medical Kits
Evidently toy-makers believe parents want their children to play doctor. Utterly reprehensible. Let's call it what it really is--a Pap smear kit.
Dolphin Foot-to-Floor Riding Toys
I'm not an ichthyologist, but I know that dolphins have holes somewhere on their backs, precisely where children ride this wicked toy. Little peckers and dolphin holes are an unholy combination.
Coloring books trick children into going against God's will. The Lord made everything a certain color. The sky is blue. Grass is green. Given a coloring book and a box of crayons, most kids will desecrate God's great design with orange dogs and purple trees, which pretty much guarantees eternal damnation. I have only wanted to change the natural color of something twice in my life, and that was Barack Obama when he won the presidency and my wife for a stretch in the 80s when I had an Asian fetish.
If you must buy your child a coloring book, pre-color it for him or her. You'll not only be saving your little one work, you'll be saving his or her soul.
Rocking Horses
A rocking horse simulates sexual congress and stimulates the young rider's genitals. Pleasure is being derived from a horse; ergo, the rider will grow up to be attracted to horses. Do not allow your child to mount a rocking horse. Your young one may grow up to star in a production of Equus or hang out at racetracks to play the horses without actually placing a bet.
Bowling Balls
Bowling balls encourage youngsters to stick their fingers in holes. If that doesn't fill you with moral outrage, then you are Satan himself (if you are Satan, please stop making me have weird thoughts about Zac Efron).
Baseball Cards
Having pictures of men is gay. Having pictures of men accompanied by statistics and biographical information is gayer. I haven't actually read the back of a baseball card, but more than likely tallywacker size is included. Given that all baseball players use steroids, I would guess that figure is pretty unimpressive. The term "big league" is a misnomer, folks.
Jolly Jumping Jack
Jolly Jumping Jack plays about as hard to get as a Carrot Top joke. Pull the cord, and he spreads his legs. A word of advice, Jack: if you want a child to respect you, wait until the fifth play date.
Medical Kits
Evidently toy-makers believe parents want their children to play doctor. Utterly reprehensible. Let's call it what it really is--a Pap smear kit.
Dolphin Foot-to-Floor Riding Toys
I'm not an ichthyologist, but I know that dolphins have holes somewhere on their backs, precisely where children ride this wicked toy. Little peckers and dolphin holes are an unholy combination.
Genesis 1:1 In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth
Comment