[Johny Joe Hold]

Re: Can someone please come bail me out?

Mr Mayor Hold, I implore you to send out the Freehold police force to apprehend Mr Machine and rescue Mistress Cookie. Surely they can leave the city limits in plain clothes to achieve this. I fear gravely for her safety while in his company.

Mrs Johnson, I know your brain is weak and female, but let me spell it out for you - Mr Machine seems to be keeping Mistress Cookie as a prisoner to do what he wishes with her. Cherokee is at most 3 hours (at a leisurely speed) from Freehold. So why will it take him 'many days' to cover such a short distance?

Thank you for your concern about our lovely Sister Cookie, Mr. Farmer. I am deeply concerned myself.

At your suggestion, I called a meeting of the Freehold PD and suggested the group assigned to the SWAT TEAM be suited up and that they head out to find Sister Cookie. The staff looked at me like I was out of my mind.

"You always told us our priority was stamping out sin," one said. They all nodded in agreement. "Now you come up with this thing involving public safety. We can't do everything. Make up your mind."

Now, I am in a quandary. I do tell the PD almost daily we are a Christian city and their job is to stamp out homerism. And, we do not really know the facts about the relationship between FaithMachine and Sister Cookie?

Isn't it possible they stopped off in some little county seat and got married?

I have not given up on the SWAT TEAM intervention. I just need some more information.

[Naomi Ruth Lamb]

Re: Can someone please come bail me out?

Mr. Mayor,

Speaking purely from my experience in having Sister Cookie in my home several times, I can attest that she often ignores the Biblical unction to avoid strong drink. I can further attest that when she imbibes the devil's nectar, she loses control, believes at times she is still the grand dame of the theatre (which she never was) and then, when people do not treat her like Hollywood royalty, can be worse than Joan Crawford in that scene with the wire hangers.

She refuses to see herself as the has-been, dried up star of mostly flops and two-day off-off-off Broadway productions from the 30's and 40's.

Brother FM is a known predator and now oxy addict. His relationship with Cookie is not healthy. They feed off each other. FM's jealousy regarding Brother Niles is well known among their circle of friends. I suspect it was FM that sabotaged Brother Niles' airplane when he was returning from the Prevention of Homosexuality in Young, Beautiful Boys convention in San Francisco this week, causing him to be late for Thanksgiving and, of course, unable to help Sister Cookie.

I urge you to consider the swat team further. While their work here in Freehold is amazing - there are so few homers that make it through the gates these days (coincidentally, most are employees of our pastor), we have no need to fear the Aids or other gay diseases here. It is because of you that this is so. Still, the impact our swat team might have outside of Freehold could lead to a nationwide revival. I vote that they be deployed immediately, swiftly, and in Jesus' Name.

Meekly as always,
NRL

[Dolores de Barriga]

Re: Can someone please come bail me out?

This is very concerning. Mr Machine knows full well that True Christians™ are immune to the ebola.
Is the room on the first floor? See if you can get around to the window and get a photo. Or hide in the darkness of the hall until he collects the stuff you left him (make sure it's left a little distance from the door), then slip into the room and check on Mistress Cookie's condition please.

Following your advice, I have returned to the motel Faith Machine and Cookie were staying in. I was informed that they have already left - but I was able to visit the room they were staying in. The room was filled with a stench of urine and some other bodily fluids, as well as of that homemade corn-based alcohol that the desk attendant was so fond of. The garbage can was filled with empty bottles of different shapes and sizes. There weren't too many signs of struggle, though, aside from a head-shaped hole in the drywall and some broken bars in the metal headboard of the bed. The bed itself, however, seemed to be the epicenter of the bodily fluids odors.

I was told that Faith Machine left alone, but that he was dragging a very large duffel bag which seemed to be moving and making faint noises. He left in a white van with curtains over the windows.

I am worried, and I do wonder, what could have happened to Mistress Cookie?

[Jim Farmer]

Re: Can someone please come bail me out?

Isn't it possible they stopped off in some little county seat and got married?

No, not a chance of that. Not if Mistress Cookie were even half-conscious. If Mistress Cookie were ever to marry, it would be the grandest affair that Freehold has ever seen and every washed-up ancient actor in the land would be invited. The idea of her having some quiet little affair is preposterous.

[Faith_Machine]

Re: Can someone please come bail me out?

And, we do not really know the facts...

Thank you, Mayor Joe Hold, for injecting a note of sober rationality into this otherwise crazy conversation!

Everything is just fine, and I'm sure you all will understand that soon. Let's not make any hasty rush to judgment!

[Jim Farmer]

Re: Can someone please come bail me out?

If Mistress Cookie is pregnant, this scandal will not go away for the next 16 years and 9 months
I hope she uses sickular law to get child support payments from you for all that time.
And don't try to get out of it by saying that she has to marry you, because you haven't been caught.

[Joanna Lytton-Vasey]

Re: Can someone please come bail me out?

If Mistress Cookie is pregnant, this scandal will not go away for the next 16 years and 9 months

With respect, Brother, if Mistress Cookie is pregnant it will be a Miracle rather than a scandal.

[Jim Farmer]

Re: Can someone please come bail me out?

With respect, Brother, if Mistress Cookie is pregnant it will be a Miracle rather than a scandal.

Genesis 17:17 Then Abraham fell upon his face, and laughed, and said in his heart, Shall a child be born unto him that is an hundred years old? and shall Sarah, that is ninety years old, bear?
If it was good enough for Sarah, why not for Mistress Cookie?
And I'm sure that our Cookie is not 90 years old. Yet.

[Mrs. Elizabeth Johnson]

Re: Can someone please come bail me out?

Mr Mayor Hold, I implore you to send out the Freehold police force to apprehend Mr Machine and rescue Mistress Cookie. Surely they can leave the city limits in plain clothes to achieve this. I fear gravely for her safety while in his company.

Mrs Johnson, I know your brain is weak and female, but let me spell it out for you - Mr Machine seems to be keeping Mistress Cookie as a prisoner to do what he wishes with her. Cherokee is at most 3 hours (at a leisurely speed) from Freehold. So why will it take him 'many days' to cover such a short distance?

Mr. Farmer, thank you for being quite precise with me. After all, I am a foolish female. My husband asks me to reserve judgement, but I will say this. Brother Faith Machine, I hope that you are doing the godly thing. Your warning is a bit alarming to me. I do not want the money and food I sent go to the ungodly, so if you are acting that way, repent, and go back to being a good Christian man. If not, please disregard this warning; I would like to think of you as a good man, but I'm a foolish female. Mr. Mayor, I would love to live in Freehold some day; it sounds like a lovely town!

[Faith_Machine]

Re: Can someone please come bail me out?

If that be the case, let Mistress Cookie log on to your computer and assure us in her own words.

Hello brother Jim and all of my dear, dear, sweet brothers and sisters in Christ. Brother Machine was kind enough to let me post from his account on his gay little smart phone and I wish to assure all of you that I am on the mend and your well-wishes and prayers and good thoughts are deeply appreciated.

Please don't worry about me as Faith Machine has been wonderfully accommodating of all the needs associated with what is sure to be my very long healing process. And please don't be alarmed if you don't see me back in Freehold right away, as I haver prevailed upon Faith to take us on a little road trip to beautiful Stone Mountain, as I feel the fresh mountain air will be good for my constitution and that place has always held great spiritual significance for me.

Love and blessings to you all!

Mistress Cookie

[Jim Farmer]

Re: Can someone please come bail me out?

That does not fool me, Mr FM. It may fool some of the ladies, but not we men.

let Mistress Cookie log on

I don't see where that has happened.

[Faith_Machine]

Re: Can someone please come bail me out?

Hello, FM here. Miss Cookie couldn't remember her login credentials. Also, there's an automatic restriction on any IP address associated with my account which prevents the use of personal messaging on this site or use of the LBChat app. Given that she didn't want the algorithms to wrongly restrict her account, it's best the Cookie not log on via my device.

Anyway, I think we're driving into a vast expanse of open road and glorious American wilderness where there is not good cell coverage, so you might be unable to reach us for a while. Stone Mountain, here we come!

[Jim Farmer]

Re: Can someone please come bail me out?


Now, why don't I believe a single word you've said?

[Mrs. Elizabeth Johnson]

Re: Can someone please come bail me out?

Excuse me gentlemen, but may I suggest stopping at a lovely little cafe and Best Buy and buy a computer separate from yours, Brother Faith Machine? That way, we could all see her credentials and tell her to pray over remembering things. "Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you:" Matthew 7:7 That should solve the problem!

[Des]

Re: Can someone please come bail me out?

Mercy me, but I do hope nothing is wrong. That was a Parson Gray large cavalry duffel, and I was expecting to get it back.