Today in Church - A True Story

[BrotherLarry]

Our pastor (nowhere as dynamic or Godly as Pastor Ezekiel) spoke today on the virtues of giving. It was a wonderful message and gave the people a lot of information regarding the Bible's views of tithing and giving back to God what is truly His - which everything, of course, is.

On the steps outside the church, Sister Lolly rather loudly asked the pastor if her tithes were not satisfactory. "It seems that message was aimed at me, Reverend."

The pastor smiled and said, "God speaks to us at times without calling our names. The Holy Spirit urges us to follow what God tells us." Well, you would have thought he threw up on her fake leather shoes. She gets all huffy and says, "Well, let's see how you do without my tithes, pastor. Let's see what God says then." Right about that time another sister humbly and lovingly told the pastor that she was going to increase her offerings and tithe even more than 10 percent.

The pastor looked at the first woman and said, "God always provides. Always."

I love it when the Lord makes things happen like that. I don't think Sister Lolly will darken the doors of our sanctuary again. Cheap ol' biddy. May God bless and keep her - far away from us.

[Witch Hammer]

Re: Today in Church - A True Story

Our pastor (nowhere as dynamic or Godly as Pastor Ezekiel) spoke today on the virtues of giving. It was a wonderful message and gave the people a lot of information regarding the Bible's views of tithing and giving back to God what is truly His - which everything, of course, is.

On the steps outside the church, Sister Lolly rather loudly asked the pastor if her tithes were not satisfactory. "It seems that message was aimed at me, Reverend."

The pastor smiled and said, "God speaks to us at times without calling our names. The Holy Spirit urges us to follow what God tells us." Well, you would have thought he threw up on her fake leather shoes. She gets all huffy and says, "Well, let's see how you do without my tithes, pastor. Let's see what God says then." Right about that time another sister humbly and lovingly told the pastor that she was going to increase her offerings and tithe even more than 10 percent.

The pastor looked at the first woman and said, "God always provides. Always."

I love it when the Lord makes things happen like that. I don't think Sister Lolly will darken the doors of our sanctuary again. Cheap ol' biddy. May God bless and keep her - far away from us.

Hopefully Jesus will have her slip on a banana peel and break her neck.

[James Hutchins]

Re: Today in Church - A True Story

As God (and my Pastor) has often said to me, if I feel the severe hardship, my family has to suffer and do without, only then may I possibly consider my Tithing to Jesus barely adequate.
Giving to God, well, He does not need money or property bequeaths upon my death. What he wants is commitment. Blind, unwavering, unquestioning complete commitment. Proof is the tears of suffering. Only then might God consider you as worthy of His imperceptible time.
My heart really goes out to my Pastor, having the dirty job of dealing with the tawdry business of Tithes. God saw your Tithe, as long as you do not try to take it back (jooing Jesus), now the Pastor has to deal with the mess. A thankless job.

Leviticus 27:30 And all the tithe of the land, whether of the seed of the land, or of the fruit of the tree, is the LORD'S: it is holy unto the LORD.
Leviticus 27:31 And if a man will at all redeem ought of his tithes, he shall add thereto the fifth part thereof

Psalm 24:1 The earth is the LORD'S, and the fulness thereof; the world, and they that dwell therein.

Haggai 2:8 The silver is mine, and the gold is mine, saith the LORD of hosts.
(You aren't giving things away, since everything belongs to God already.)

Malachi 3:8 Will a man rob God? Yet ye have robbed me. But ye say, Wherein have we robbed thee? In tithes and offerings.
Malachi 3:9 Ye are cursed with a curse: for ye have robbed me, even this whole nation.
Malachi 3:10 Bring ye all the tithes into the storehouse, that there may be meat in mine house, and prove me now herewith, saith the LORD of hosts, if I will not open you the windows of heaven, and pour you out a blessing, that there shall not be room enough to receive it.

Mark 12:41 And Jesus sat over against the treasury, and beheld how the people cast money into the treasury: and many that were rich cast in much.
Mark 12:42 And there came a certain poor widow, and she threw in two mites, which make a farthing.
Mark 12:43 And he called unto him his disciples, and saith unto them, Verily I say unto you, That this poor widow hath cast more in, than all they which have cast into the treasury:
Mark 12:44 For all they did cast in of their abundance; but she of her want did cast in all that she had, even all her living.
(Being dirt poor is not an excuse for not tithing.)

1st Corinthians 16:2 Upon the first day of the week let every one of you lay by him in store, as God hath prospered him, that there be no gatherings when I come.

James 2:14 What doth it profit, my brethren, though a man say he hath faith, and have not works? can faith save him?
James 2:15 If a brother or sister be naked, and destitute of daily food,
James 2:16 And one of you say unto them, Depart in peace, be ye warmed and filled; notwithstanding ye give them not those things which are needful to the body; what doth it profit?
James 2:17 Even so faith, if it hath not works, is dead, being alone.
, God is satisfied. But the Pastor is left with the burden of disposal.

[Cranky Old Man]

Re: Today in Church - A True Story

May God bless and keep her - far away from us.

Why should God bless that ugly evil whore? She no doubt intends to use the money she should tithe, God's money, to get Hillary Clinton elected. Next time you see her just break her legs and tell her to use her hands for walking as she clearly isn't using them to tithe, assuming your Pastor approves of course.