Landover Baptist, help me!

[Sister Sarah]

I don't know what to do about this ungodly situation!

I am married but now my husband has run off to have anal sex with his forno-sodomite-faggot-queer boyfriend! What do I do?

I know the Bible tells me to submit to my husband, but does that mean I am supposed to let him stick his weiner where the sun doesn't shine with other men? Is it possible that if I let him in the back door, maybe he won't need to condemn himself to hell by doing that with other men?

If I can't turn him away from his hellbound ways, is divorce possibly an option in this situation? Or should I simply have him stoned to death so I can remarry a True Christian™ man?

I anxiously await your response!

[Talitha]

Re: Landover Baptist, help me!

I don't know what to do about this ungodly situation!

I am married but now my husband has run off to have anal sex with his forno-sodomite-faggot-queer boyfriend! What do I do?

I know the Bible tells me to submit to my husband, but does that mean I am supposed to let him stick his weiner where the sun doesn't shine with other men? Is it possible that if I let him in the back door, maybe he won't need to condemn himself to hell by doing that with other men?

If I can't turn him away from his hellbound ways, is divorce possibly an option in this situation? Or should I simply have him stoned to death so I can remarry a True Christian™ man?

I anxiously await your response!

I don't understand why your husband would do such a thing unless YOU were not submitting to his pleasures. A happy husband is a loyal husband.

Maybe you weren't producing enough little soldiers from your Baby Oven?

[Sister Sarah]

Re: Landover Baptist, help me!

I don't understand why your husband would do such a thing unless YOU were not submitting to his pleasures. A happy husband is a loyal husband.

Maybe you weren't producing enough little soldiers from your Baby Oven?

No, I submitted to his every whim! Problem is, his requests were sooooo sinful!

First, he wanted to go to a Catholic Church one Sunday! I thank Jesus every day that he made me vomit right onto the priest so they won't let me back into that building!

Then he wanted me to administer to his tallywacker with my mouth! Does Jesus even permit that? I had to go check the Bible before I could say yes or no to that, but while I was looking it up, I actually heard him watching that sinful sodomite show "Will & Grace!" How dare he!

From there, things just got worse! He started watching musicals and took up floral arrangement and interior design as hobbies!

[Sledge Riprock]

Re: Landover Baptist, help me!

The bible is pretty clear on wives submitting to their husbands.

God did not say:
"Submit to your husband, unless you don't feel like it, or don't like the taste of it, or it makes it hurt to sit down afterwards."

Submission isn't submission unless you don't really want to do it. That is kind of the whole point actually. When God was writing the passages below, he might just as well have said, "Wives, give till it hurts!"

Try "submitting" tonight. And remember to relax. If you tense up, it hurts more. Try thinking of Jesus during your submission, and maybe have something handy to bite down on, like a towel or something.

Submitting yourselves one to another in the fear of God. Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body.
Ephesians 5:21-23

And whatsoever ye do in word or deed, do all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God and the Father by him. Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as it is fit in the Lord. Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against them.
Colossians 3:17-19

[Sister Sarah]

Re: Landover Baptist, help me!

But what if he wants me to submit to an unholy, sinful act?

Would I be condemned to hell for not submitting to my husband? Or would I be condemned to hell if I did what God specifically forbids?

Can you believe it? He actually wants to touch me during my unclean time of the month! How ungodly can a man get!

[Talitha]

Re: Landover Baptist, help me!

But what if he wants me to submit to an unholy, sinful act?

Would I be condemned to hell for not submitting to my husband? Or would I be condemned to hell if I did what God specifically forbids?

Can you believe it? He actually wants to touch me during my unclean time of the month! How ungodly can a man get!

You're already condemned to hell dear, just for being a Woman.
Unless of course you just happen to be a faithful True Christian(tm) Triple-Platinum Tither.

[Sledge Riprock]

Re: Landover Baptist, help me!

But what if he wants me to submit to an unholy, sinful act? Would I be condemned to hell for not submitting to my husband? Or would I be condemned to hell if I did what God specifically forbids?

Are you being obtuse on purpose? Submit!!! Let him have at you anyway he needs to! His immortal soul is at stake. A MAN'S immortal soul. You are but a woman whose only role is to serve her man. He's doing MEN, committing Abominations because of your squeamishness! SUBMIT!!! And come back here and tell us about it, so that we may comfort you.

Can you believe it? He actually wants to touch me during my unclean time of the month! How ungodly can a man get!

I'm not sure on this one, we may have to ask a Pastor. I'm not so well versed on Unclean-ness. It kind of gives me the willies.!!!

[Rev. M. Rodimer]

Re: Landover Baptist, help me!

No, I submitted to his every whim! Problem is, his requests were sooooo sinful!

First, he wanted to go to a Catholic Church one Sunday! I thank Jesus every day that he made me vomit right onto the priest so they won't let me back into that building!

My dear, if your husband is going to a Catholicker church, that's one of the first signs of Homerism. You need to help him enroll in Betty Bowers' BASH (Baptists Are Saving Homosexuals) program, right now! Don't worry, every person who enters the program leaves it a Saved(c) True Christian(tm) Manly Man.

I understand there is a slight risk of permanent injury or death.

[Bama_Girl]

Re: Landover Baptist, help me!

What these people are really trying to tell you is that you must, to save your own soul, give the pervert what he wants. If he wants to piffle you during your period or up the poop-chute, then it is your pervert's soul that may be damned to hell, but since you submitted like the ~shudder~ bible says, then your soul is ok.

Now, for the REAL advice...
You have pointed out the flaws in the bible. It contradicts itself. How are you supposed to get to heaven when the bible is not clear on HOW to get there? I mean, DUH!!
Basically you're damned if you do and you're damned if you don't. So don't. Easy enough. Divorce his homo ass and get out while you can. No dick up the ass. Worse yet, have you considered that when he next sticks it inside you, what has it got on the end of it? What kind of crap (literally) is he sticking inside your vagina? What kind of diseases could he be bringing home to you? Get rid of him!!!!
You don't need a man to do anything!! Hell, you can even buy sperm these days. Don't even need a man to have a baby. Just a frozen glass canister and you're good to go!

[Sister Sarah]

Re: Landover Baptist, help me!

My dear, if your husband is going to a Catholicker church, that's one of the first signs of Homerism. You need to help him enroll in Betty Bowers' BASH (Baptists Are Saving Homosexuals) program, right now! Don't worry, every person who enters the program leaves it a Saved© True Christian™ Manly Man.

I understand there is a slight risk of permanent injury or death.

Yes, I think this is clearly the best idea for him. I just hope it's not too late!

When I married him, I assumed he was always a good Baptist but later I found out his parents actually took him to one of those Catlick churches until he was sixteen! Does that mean he has been raped by the priest? Is that why he wants fag-man-booty?

Please, tell me it isn't too late to save him from these unnatural desires! I hate to think what kind of gay feces he might be bringing into my cooter when I submit to him!

[Sister Sarah]

Re: Landover Baptist, help me!

What these people are really trying to tell you is that you must, to save your own soul, give the pervert what he wants. If he wants to piffle you during your period or up the poop-chute, then it is your pervert's soul that may be damned to hell, but since you submitted like the ~shudder~ bible says, then your soul is ok.

Now, for the REAL advice...
You have pointed out the flaws in the bible. It contradicts itself. How are you supposed to get to heaven when the bible is not clear on HOW to get there? I mean, DUH!!
Basically you're damned if you do and you're damned if you don't. So don't. Easy enough. Divorce his homo ass and get out while you can. No dick up the ass. Worse yet, have you considered that when he next sticks it inside you, what has it got on the end of it? What kind of crap (literally) is he sticking inside your vagina? What kind of diseases could he be bringing home to you? Get rid of him!!!!
You don't need a man to do anything!! Hell, you can even buy sperm these days. Don't even need a man to have a baby. Just a frozen glass canister and you're good to go!

What kind of feminazi bullshit is this?

How could a person actually consider this good advice on Gods favorite forum?

Just the idea that a woman would have any idea about what to do without a man guiding her is absurd! Worse yet, it's not Biblical!

You need to read the Bible, missy, and then find a husband so you can start making babies for us to use to go fight mooslims!

If I have to take a tallywacker up the poop shute to save his eternal soul, then I'll take a tallywacker up the poop shute! Praise!

[Bama_Girl]

Re: Landover Baptist, help me!

Yeah yeah yeah. I see your lips moving but all I hear is "blah blah blah blah blah blah blah".

You go right ahead and take it up the poop-chute, dear. Bite your pillow and die a little inside because of the pain. Meanwhile I will also do the same, but for me it will be a pleasureable experience, not a forced one. While you cry because it hurts I will be O'ing and crying out in bliss.

[Bob4God]

Re: Landover Baptist, help me!

Hell, you can even buy sperm these days. Don't even need a man to have a baby. Just a frozen glass canister and you're good to go!

Where did the sperm come from?

[Sister Sarah]

Re: Landover Baptist, help me!

Yeah yeah yeah. I see your lips moving but all I hear is "blah blah blah blah blah blah blah".

You go right ahead and take it up the poop-chute, dear. Bite your pillow and die a little inside because of the pain. Meanwhile I will also do the same, but for me it will be a pleasureable experience, not a forced one. While you cry because it hurts I will be O'ing and crying out in bliss.

Say all you want, feminazi bitch, but actually enjoying sex is one of the first signs that you are demon possessed!

You can like all you want, but when I'll be the one laughing when Satan is sending his flaming pecker up your poop shute!

[Sledge Riprock]

Re: Landover Baptist, help me!

What kind of feminazi bullshit is this?

How could a person actually consider this good advice on Gods favorite forum?

Just the idea that a woman would have any idea about what to do without a man guiding her is absurd! Worse yet, it's not Biblical!

You need to read the Bible, missy, and then find a husband so you can start making babies for us to use to go fight mooslims!

If I have to take a tallywacker up the poop shute to save his eternal soul, then I'll take a tallywacker up the poop shute! Praise!

Praise indeed! Sister Sarah, you may be on the way to Saving your misguided husband's Soul! But if after your repeated Submissions, he is still acting in Ungodly Sodomite ways, other options must be considered. There is nothing in the Bible that says a Public Stoning cannot be made to look like an accident. Do you live near any unstable cliff faces or road cuts?