God, hemorrhoids and sinners.

[James Dewitt]

Fellow True Christians a few months ago while at the Freehold Drugstore and Hardware store, I witnessed a man purchasing Hemorrhoid cream. I have never had the vile affliction nor have I ever known anyone who has had them. When I returned home I cracked open my trusty KJV 1611 to do some research. It seems that if you disobey God, He will smite you with hemorrhoids.
Deuteronomy 28:27
The LORD will smite thee with the botch of Egypt, and with the emerods, and with the scab, and with the itch, whereof thou canst not be healed.

1 Samuel 5:6-7
But the hand of the LORD was heavy upon them of Ashdod, and he destroyed them, and smote them with emerods, even Ashdod and the coasts thereof.

1 Samuel 5:12
And the men that died not were smitten with the emerods: and the cry of the city went up to heaven.

If you die and have hemorrhoids, you are not allowed into Heaven.

At first I was going to ask Mayor Hold to out law any creams, ointments or relief suppositories for this affliction.
Upon further reflection it seems clear as a bell that God wants all True Christians to be able to identify a sinner with this affliction. I have asked the DoF to work in conjunction with local retailers to help identify these sinners within our midsts.
We have set up a sting operation. Any person that purchases any thing for the relief of hemorrhoids will have their picture taken at the point of purchase(cash register), their photo is immediately sent to the DoF and Bobby-Joe at LBC security.
Below is a small sample of the treatments that are tracked

[Lost Sheep McUinnean]

Re: God, hemorrhoids and sinners.

Ironic really. That's what happens to 'cherrypickers'.



YIC, McUinnean, of that Ilk.

[James Dewitt]

Re: God, hemorrhoids and sinners.

If you see someone digging at their backsides, they have the hemorrhoid. Here are a few photos as examples.
I found this tool that they use to stick up their butts to administer the creams. warning in nasty.

[Oakland "Reb" Griner]

Re: God, hemorrhoids and sinners.

It is vitally important for the DoF to track sinners afflicted this way by God.

We should also keep track of the cannibals, who, fortunately, exist in much smaller numbers.

[Johny Joe Hold]

Re: God, hemorrhoids and sinners.

I was down in the Police shop yesterday. The shoplifting detail, no arrests by the way, is winding down with the end of big retail season. I think we could assign a small task force to monitor sales of this revolting stuff.

I can't thank you enough for the references to Scripture, Mr. Dewitt. When we have these to fall back on we can go forward with confidence.

[Oakland "Reb" Griner]

Re: God, hemorrhoids and sinners.

It occurs to me, Mr. Mayor your Honor, that if any of those vile products were manufactured or tested in Freehold, everyone in the factory would be guilty of a morals charge, at the very least.

Could we have the police investigate the local businesses to verify these abominable 'creams' and 'unguents' are not being produced here?

[Lost Sheep McUinnean]

Re: God, hemorrhoids and sinners.

Shouldn't they be called Homeroids anyway?


YIC, McUinnean of that Ilk.

[James Dewitt]

Re: God, hemorrhoids and sinners.

Shouldn't they be called Homeroids anyway?


YIC, McUinnean of that Ilk.

Brother you have touched on something there. How do they apply the creams ? They use their fingers, one slip and you have sodomised your self. Suppository, you insert a foreign object up your butt! Then you have that medieval looking device that I posted. Yep I agree Homeroids, just another sick way of pleasuring yourself. I intercepted this photo not more than 10 minutes ago while visiting Bobby-Joe. Meet Mr. Dick Coonfare, sinner! He lives at 421 N 2ND street. I urge all True Christians to picket his home and let him know the he has been identified as a vile sinner!

[James Dewitt]

Re: God, hemorrhoids and sinners.

I just got this, Cranky Old man's next door neighbor was caught purchasing suppositories at the Freehold drug store. It seems as if God has smote her backside with hemorrhoids.

[UnblessedSoul]

Re: God, hemorrhoids and sinners.

May god smite these sick demons off the planet!

[HTannor]

Re: God, hemorrhoids and sinners.

Persons identified as self-sodomizers need to be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law.

Unfortunately, after a thorough search in my law library I was unable to find any laws explicitly addressing this abomination. (The search covered Federal and State laws, and local ordinances.)

I am ready and eager to sit in judgement on cases such as these, but without legal authority to administer harsh justice I find my hands tied.

Mr. Mayor, is it possible to have an emergency meeting of the Freehold City Council to get something on the books?

If there is a way for this emergency meeting to be conducted discretely it would not provide those with itchy butts a chance to stock-up in advance of the ordinance taking effect.

Oh, and please make the penalties especially harsh. And here I'm thinking of hard time, stiff fines, and public humiliation.

[Johny Joe Hold]

Re: God, hemorrhoids and sinners.

Persons identified as self-sodomizers need to be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law.

Unfortunately, after a thorough search in my law library I was unable to find any laws explicitly addressing this abomination. (The search covered Federal and State laws, and local ordinances.)

I am ready and eager to sit in judgement on cases such as these, but without legal authority to administer harsh justice I find my hands tied.

Mr. Mayor, is it possible to have an emergency meeting of the Freehold City Council to get something on the books?

If there is a way for this emergency meeting to be conducted discretely it would not provide those with itchy butts a chance to stock-up in advance of the ordinance taking effect.

Oh, and please make the penalties especially harsh. And here I'm thinking of hard time, stiff fines, and public humiliation.

Thank you, Brother Tanner. Indeed, we must act immediately to stop sales and use of these products--products which promote both sodomy and self sodomy.

If you could drop off a draft of the appropriate ordinance at City Hall even late tonight, we could go into Executive Session first thing in the morning and get this problem solved.

While I'm not an attorney, it seems like the ordinance needs to have language that includes prohibitions against, not only sales of the products but "application thereof". This would allow prosecution for use of the products as well as the sale of them.

Frankly, nothing disturbs me more than taking an over-the-counter product and using it for sinful pleasure.

[HTannor]

Re: God, hemorrhoids and sinners.

Frankly, nothing disturbs me more than taking an over-the-counter product and using it for sinful pleasure.

I will certainly begin working on a draft proposal and have it to you very soon.

Mr. Mayor, I'm thinking of expanding the ordinance just a bit to include another provision barring an activity I've found troubling.

Being a bachelor, I do my own grocery shopping. A disturbing trend I've noticed is that every time the super market gets in a load of produce that seems to be unusual interest paid to the fresh cucumbers.

Most of the interest seems to be centered among the single or widowed women of Freehold. These women always seem to go for the long slender ones - ones they can grasp comfortably in one hand. Often they stroke the cukes in a manner I found quite disgusting.

Therefore, I will include a provision to ban the sales of fresh cucumbers to single and widowed women. I will not ban the sale of out-of-date wilted ones.

[Billy Bob Jenkins]

Re: God, hemorrhoids and sinners.

@ Mayor Hold and the Honorable Judge Tannor:

You may want to ban this abomination while you're at it.



The horned melon

[HTannor]

Re: God, hemorrhoids and sinners.

@ Mayor Hold and the Honorable Judge Tannor:

You may want to ban this abomination while you're at it.



The horned melon

Brother Billy Bob, I can easily see queers getting all warm and fuzzy over that sort of thing. Consider it done.