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  • Old Man Hatchet
    Super Moderator
    Beloved Church Elder
    World's Greatest Father and Grandfather
    True Christian™
    • Sep 2006
    • 2084
    #1

    Contemptible Cookies

    My daughter served me leftover Christmas cookies this morning after I had performed my routine inspection of her house. Friends, these cookies were straight out of Satan's recipe book:



    "How dare you attempt to feed me these reprehensible, breast-shaped cookies," I roared.

    "I don't see anything wrong with them," my daughter replied defensively.

    "Of course you don't, harlot. You are accustomed to sin and debauchery. Pointy, chocolate nipples strike you as mundane."

    Then I noticed my eleven-year-old granddaughter across the room, biting into a gingerbread man's groin.



    I beat them both senseless.

    Ladies, let my wayward whore of a daughter's actions serve as an example to all of you. Don't bake nipple cookies. If you must bake gingerbread men, only make them from the waist up--think of them as homeless Vietnam War veterans--so that salacious little strumpets like my granddaughter cannot pretend they are gobbling tallywackers.
    Tags: food for thought:let's eat!, old man hatchet disproves
    • Sister Noddy
      True Christian™
      True Christian™
      • Jun 2007
      • 1843
      #2
      Re: Contemptible Cookies

      Originally posted by Old Man Hatchet View Post

      "How dare you attempt to feed me these reprehensible, breast-shaped cookies," (my son-in-law) roared.

      "I don't see anything wrong with them," (noddy) replied defensively.

      "Of course you don't, harlot. You are accustomed to sin and debauchery. Pointy, chocolate nipples strike you as mundane." (Mr Godwin shouted)

      Then I noticed my (nine-year-old grandson Kills) across the room, biting into a (nipple cookie)
      Gosh Brother OMH! This story is soooo similar to the cookie incident that happened at our house during the holidays!

      I made the awful mistake of baking a batch of cookies like those, thinking Mr Godwin and the twins would love them!

      How wrong I was, instead he whooped me a good one upside the head, and ordered me to memorize extra Bible verses for Family Prayers in the parlor that night!

      (a sad and sorry noddy who will be sticking to cherry pies from now on)
      1st Timothy 2: 9 In like manner also, that women adorn themselves in modest apparel, with shamefacedness and sobriety; not with broided hair, or gold, or pearls, or costly array;
      1st Timothy 2: 10 But (which becometh women professing godliness) with good works ...

      1 Timothy 5: 16 If any man or woman that believeth have widows, let them relieve them, and let not the church be charged; that it may relieve them that are widows indeed ...

      Proverbs 31: 26 She openeth her mouth with wisdom; and in her tongue is the law of kindness ...
      Proverbs 31: 27 She looketh well to the ways of her household, and eateth not the bread of idleness ...

        Comment

        • lilith
          Night Hag
          • Sep 2006
          • 1232
          #3
          Re: Contemptible Cookies

          Originally posted by Old Man Hatchet View Post
          My daughter served me leftover Christmas cookies this morning after I had performed my routine inspection of her house. Friends, these cookies were straight out of Satan's recipe book:



          "How dare you attempt to feed me these reprehensible, breast-shaped cookies," I roared.

          "I don't see anything wrong with them," my daughter replied defensively.

          "Of course you don't, harlot. You are accustomed to sin and debauchery. Pointy, chocolate nipples strike you as mundane."

          Then I noticed my eleven-year-old granddaughter across the room, biting into a gingerbread man's groin.



          I beat them both senseless.

          Ladies, let my wayward whore of a daughter's actions serve as an example to all of you. Don't bake nipple cookies. If you must bake gingerbread men, only make them from the waist up--think of them as homeless Vietnam War veterans--so that salacious little strumpets like my granddaughter cannot pretend they are gobbling tallywackers.

          Or,more to the point - so that dirty old men with minds permanently in the sewer won't have an excuse to use that constantly simmering violence,doubtless a result of all their repressed sexuality.
          In order to be old & wise,you must first be young & stupid.

            Comment

            • Pastor Ezekiel
              Putting the "stud" back in Bible Study
               
              • Sep 2006
              • 78556
              #4
              Re: Contemptible Cookies

              Brother Hatchet, I was shocked, SHOCKED to find THIS revolting tome offered for sale to anyone with $8.46 in their pocket!

              I only pray that your wicked daughter hasn't discovered pornographic baking as a lifestyle choice. An extra Love Offering in this Sunday's basket is in order.
              Who Will Jesus Damn?

              Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:

              Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)

              Need Pastoral Advice? Contact me privately at PastorEzekiel@landoverbaptist.net TODAY!!

                Comment

                • Father Thomas Martin
                  Pedantic Pubescent Pedophile Papist Proselytizer
                  • Jul 2007
                  • 1015
                  #5
                  Re: Contemptible Cookies

                  So penis-shaped foods today are OK, but "breast-shaped" cookies aren't? (What a bunch of hypocrites you are!)

                  And Old Man Hatchet would be facing 25 to life in Wisconsin for his CHILD ABUSE, twisting Scripture to suit his own purpose!
                  ACTS 5:29
                  But Peter and the apostles said in reply, "We must obey God rather than men."
                  There you have it-so WHAT'S STOPPING YOU COWARDS?

                    Comment

                    • Pastor Ezekiel
                      Putting the "stud" back in Bible Study
                       
                      • Sep 2006
                      • 78556
                      #6
                      Re: Contemptible Cookies

                      Originally posted by Father Thomas Martin View Post
                      So penis-shaped foods today are OK, but "breast-shaped" cookies aren't? (What a bunch of hypocrites you are!)

                      And Old Man Hatchet would be facing 25 to life in Wisconsin for his CHILD ABUSE, twisting Scripture to suit his own purpose!
                      Listen up papist, we are not interested in your filthy fetish for eating foods shaped like your atlar boys' tallywackers. Keep your perversions to yourself.
                      Who Will Jesus Damn?

                      Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:

                      Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)

                      Need Pastoral Advice? Contact me privately at PastorEzekiel@landoverbaptist.net TODAY!!

                        Comment

                        • Brother Guy Bayard
                          Anvil of the Antipodes
                          True Christian™
                          • Jul 2007
                          • 1271
                          #7
                          Re: Contemptible Cookies

                          I note the pedo-priest chimes in whenever children are mentioned.
                          The devil, whose business is to pervert the truth, mimics the exact circumstance of the Divine Sacraments. He baptises his believers and promises forgiveness of sins...he celebrates the oblation of bread, and brings in the symbol of the resurrection. Let us therefore acknowledge the craftiness of the devil, who copied certain things of those that be divine."
                          Tertullian (155-222 AD) from The Prescription Against Heretics' Ch XL

                            Comment

                            • Father Thomas Martin
                              Pedantic Pubescent Pedophile Papist Proselytizer
                              • Jul 2007
                              • 1015
                              #8
                              Re: Contemptible Cookies

                              Originally posted by Pastor Ezekiel View Post
                              Listen up papist, we are not interested in your filthy fetish for eating foods shaped like your atlar boys' tallywackers. Keep your perversions to yourself.
                              They're YOUR perversions (I'm grossed out by them)

                              Don't believe me? Check this out:

                              Happy Circie of the Baby Jesus Day!!! - The Landover Baptist Church Forum
                              http://www.landoverbaptist.net/showthread.php?t=6414
                              A place for True Christians to join in praise, faith and fellowship.
                              ACTS 5:29
                              But Peter and the apostles said in reply, "We must obey God rather than men."
                              There you have it-so WHAT'S STOPPING YOU COWARDS?

                                Comment

                                • Pastor Ezekiel
                                  Putting the "stud" back in Bible Study
                                   
                                  • Sep 2006
                                  • 78556
                                  #9
                                  Re: Contemptible Cookies

                                  Originally posted by Father Thomas Martin View Post
                                  They're YOUR perversions (I'm grossed out by them)

                                  Don't believe me? Check this out:

                                  http://www.landoverbaptist.net/showthread.php?t=6414
                                  Where did I say that "p*nis shaped foods are okay?"

                                  I think you think about little boy's bodies far too much, papist.

                                  BTW: I notice that you haven't answered my question about the "stolen foreskin of Jesus relic."
                                  Who Will Jesus Damn?

                                  Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:

                                  Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)

                                  Need Pastoral Advice? Contact me privately at PastorEzekiel@landoverbaptist.net TODAY!!

                                    Comment

                                    • Talitha
                                      Deaconess
                                      Gracious, genteel, kind, tender, and warm True Christian™ Sister
                                      True Christian™
                                      • Oct 2026
                                      • 15118
                                      #10
                                      Re: Contemptible Cookies

                                      The Pastor's have a soft spot for my Cupcakes

                                      Pastor Ezekiel and Pastor Bobby-Joe just can't get enough of them.

                                      Sister Talitha

                                      Markswoman, Circumcisionist, Platinum Tither.


                                      HE took the damsel by the hand, and said unto her, Talitha Cumi; which is,
                                      being interpreted, Damsel, I say unto thee, arise!...Mark 5:41


                                        Comment

                                        • Old Man Hatchet
                                          Super Moderator
                                          Beloved Church Elder
                                          World's Greatest Father and Grandfather
                                          True Christian™
                                          • Sep 2006
                                          • 2084
                                          #11
                                          Re: Contemptible Cookies

                                          Originally posted by Father Thomas Martin View Post
                                          And Old Man Hatchet would be facing 25 to life in Wisconsin for his CHILD ABUSE
                                          I lovingly beat my granddaughter to instill sound Christian values in her and you accuse me of child abuse? Preposterous! Be assured that had you witnessed her lustfully devouring that gingerbread man's crotch--and if you possess a compassionate and tender heart as I do--you would have acted likewise. The very idea that a priest is accusing me of child abuse is utterly laughable.

                                            Comment

                                            • Hitoshi
                                              Professor of Engrish
                                               
                                              • Sep 2006
                                              • 446
                                              #12
                                              Re: Contemptible Cookies



                                              this thread is make me horny

                                                Comment

                                                • One-eyed Jack
                                                  True Christian™
                                                  True Christian™
                                                  • Nov 2007
                                                  • 1092
                                                  #13
                                                  Re: Contemptible Cookies

                                                  But Hitoshi...everything makes you horny.

                                                  ----

                                                  Many years ago my niece confused muffins and cupcakes at a church bazaar. The horrible child went up to Miss Vardteetz and asked if she could "...have a little taste of your muffcake."

                                                  That's not the punchline.

                                                  The punchline is, now that she's all grown up she has a crush on Ellen Degenerate.

                                                  Ugh. Needless to say, she is no longer welcome in our home or church. Miss Vardteetz, however, completed therapy successfully and no longer has those fainting fits when she sees little children.

                                                  ~~ OEJ

                                                    Comment

                                                    • CaveManJoke
                                                      Confirmed Enemy of God
                                                      BANNED from Landover -- Aeternal Damnation Assured
                                                      • Jan 2008
                                                      • 62
                                                      #14
                                                      Re: Contemptible Cookies

                                                      Originally posted by Old Man Hatchet View Post
                                                      I lovingly beat my granddaughter to instill sound Christian values in her and you accuse me of child abuse? Preposterous! Be assured that had you witnessed her lustfully devouring that gingerbread man's crotch--and if you possess a compassionate and tender heart as I do--you would have acted likewise. The very idea that a priest is accusing me of child abuse is utterly laughable.
                                                      Hmm Grog beat wife to she not cook grogs food right. she make it too right. grog is angry. Maybe grog take club and beat children so they stupid and fail at enrish. Grog go pray to mutton sheep god now.

                                                        Comment

                                                        • Nobar King
                                                          Municipal Code Archivist - Deuteronomy 28:58
                                                          Christ's Guardian
                                                          True Christian™
                                                          • Sep 2007
                                                          • 23748
                                                          #15
                                                          Re: Contemptible Cookies

                                                          Oreo cookies are popular these days. Check out the OREO experiment page.

                                                          (There is some coarse language, so, please read at your own risk).
                                                          May you be a blessing to every life you touch.

                                                            Comment

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