New Years Eve Sobriety Squad LIVEBLOG!

[Jeb Stuart Thurmond]

This is the first ever liveblog of the Landover Security Detail's volunteer New Years Eve Sobriety Squad.

Follow us live as we confiscate alcohol and prevent drunken revellery. Right now it's just me, is everybody late or just lost? I'm right next to the Veteran's eternal flame memorial. Maybe it's hard to spot because the flame has gone out again. Anyway, it's behind the big Wal Mart ad, you really can't miss it.

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[Jeb Stuart Thurmond]

Re: New Years Eve Sobriety Squad LIVEBLOG!

Wow, that must have been my easiest catch yet. A bunch of floozies with a bottle of Jack walked right into me. I swear, it's my manly-man musk. They smell it on a subliberabable level and then....No Jack for you, baby. Only Jeb. A whole lot of Jeb.

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[Pastor Ezekiel]

Re: New Years Eve Sobriety Squad LIVEBLOG!

Hey guys! I've got a tribe of "Occupy" hippies camping out on the front lawn of my estate! Where's security!? What happened to my dogs?

[Jeb Stuart Thurmond]

Re: New Years Eve Sobriety Squad LIVEBLOG!

Hey guys! I've got a tribe of "Occupy" hippies camping out on the front lawn of my estate! Where's security!? What happened to my dogs?

Which lawn? Which estate? Should I head right to your place(s) or to the Chinese Restaurant that cooked your dogs?

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[Pastor Ezekiel]

Re: New Years Eve Sobriety Squad LIVEBLOG!

Which lawn? Which estate? Should I head right to your place(s) or to the Chinese Restaurant that cooked your dogs?

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There's a hundred of them on my lawn at least, and they're all naked! Turn the firehose on them! Where's Brother BJ and his boys in security!?

[Jeb Stuart Thurmond]

Re: New Years Eve Sobriety Squad LIVEBLOG!

Where's Brother BJ and his boys in security!?

That's what I want to know. Ever since just before the Hollywood arson attacks happened they dissapeared.

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[Jeb Stuart Thurmond]

Re: New Years Eve Sobriety Squad LIVEBLOG!

Zeke, I was just taking the bottle of Jack's back to the evidence room, when I noticed that both the LSD and the Salvia Divinorum are missing.

So, tell me about the naked protestors on your lawn...Are you kind of confused about if they're real, or are you really, really certain that they're real?

(Note: take some pictures, upload them, and I can classify them. But just to be safe, don't either look in the mirror OR come close to sharp objects, k thxs.

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[Pastor Ezekiel]

Re: New Years Eve Sobriety Squad LIVEBLOG!

They're on fire now, and a couple of them have melted.....

[Jeb Stuart Thurmond]

Re: New Years Eve Sobriety Squad LIVEBLOG!

We are going to have a serious talk about set and setting once the Demons Of Nonexistence release you from the center of the earth.

[Trent Harvey, Jr.]

Re: New Years Eve Sobriety Squad LIVEBLOG!

Haven't founnd any booze yet. Found some smokes though.

Woah, I just had the deepest thought. When was the first time you heard the MF word?

For me, it was a movie called "Pump Up The Volume" which included "Kick Out The Jams". Is that movie worth a re-watch or will it be another "Last Starfighter"?

Waoh, it's all making sense now - they're behind it all....

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Re: New Years Eve Sobriety Squad LIVEBLOG!

Having owned, at one time or another, ALL of the worlds oceans,
I'm uniquely qualified to give you advice.

1) Always buy an Ocean at HIGH TIDE. More water means More Ocean!

2) If you buy an Ocean that's being sold with it's "Contents Included",
make certain to purchase it when PLENTY of people are swimming in it.

Try to make sure that there are numerous vessels out at sea that day.
You see, both the PEOPLE, and the VESSELS will automatically become YOURS
this way!!!
This can lead to much greater profits!
For instance, on the day I bought the Pacific Ocean, I made SURE that Former President
Richard Nixon was swimming in it.
I never resold Nixon, but I enjoyed his kindly servitude for many years afterwards!

3) When buying a warm weather Ocean, such as THE INDIAN OCEAN,
make sure to bargain!

Warm weather causes severe EVAPORATION!
Don't get suckered into paying for RAIN that someone else already owns!

I hope this answers all your questions!

[Jeb Stuart Thurmond]

Re: New Years Eve Sobriety Squad LIVEBLOG!

Trent: for the last time, I don't care how many people shot JFK. The guy was about to have a heart attack anyway.

Zeke: Don't give the lifeguard at the beach any more money. He's so popular with the teen girls he doesn't even need money anyway. I know you're unlikely to run out of money but the lifeguard is starting to get...Ideas...About his station in life. I don't want to see a power struggle here.

Oh, I went home. Ipod battery ran out. Only found one bottle of Jack and it's leaking.

[Jeb Stuart Thurmond]

Re: New Years Eve Sobriety Squad LIVEBLOG!

PS Trent, there's nothing lamer than someone who wasn't alive in the 60. Just sayin'.

[Rev. M. Rodimer]

Re: New Years Eve Sobriety Squad LIVEBLOG!

So, Jeb, how was the Sobriety Squat? Any post-liveblog events of interest?

The ladies at my church host a Sobriety Squat as well, each New Year's Eve. They get all the young ladies together and knit or quilt (a couple of the more adventurous do needlepoint), while listening to an audiotape of my "Reminisces of the Past Year".

This year's subjects included:

Marcus Bachmann (Mr. Michele) -- an example of judging righteous judgment, not on appearances. The swish in his step and lisp in his speech does not mean he's still a homer!

Michele Bachmann -- an example of why women should not get into politics, as she has plummeted from the top candidate in Iowa to the dead last (even after the 'sane' Jon Huntsman).

Obama -- an example of what happens when a nation invites Satan into its White House.

Airborne H5N1 -- an example of the evil nature of atheistic scientists, who actually made the bird flu (50% kill rate) into an airborne pathogen, 'just to see if they could'.

And much, much more!

Naturally, I present these serious matters with much good humor. The ladies always tell me how they laugh and laugh while they listen!