[Pastor Ezekiel]

Re: how does one get saved?

I can say the same about all ethnicities in America that derive from Europe. I believe it's your job to answer why God put all these different races on the planet, if it's not due to evolution.

As usual, your idiotic questions have been pre-answered on this Godly forum. Take a look at THIS, Hop Sing.

[SUV]

Re: how does one get saved?

I have my doubts as to whether a Man with the name of Fire Fighter will ever be able to access Heaven anyway.

("The Burning Bush")

[Brother DT]

Re: how does one get saved?

The best way to get saved is to take the following steps

1. Withdraw your kids from Godless,communistic public schools,and place them in a Christian school where they'll miss out on Band, Art, Sports, Yearbook Committee,dating, friends, freedom ,rock music,The Prom(However this does run the risk of your children telling you to sod off when they turn 18,they do run the risk of converting to Wicca as well...your taking a chance here)

2. Tell everyone that they are going to burn in hell because they do not believe what you believe, and that you are always right

3. Alienate your parents ,grandparents, aunts uncles and siblings (They're all going to hell anyway so why bother with them)

4. Act like a first class Asshole in public by bothering people in the mall, the supermarket and in resturants

5. Leave Bible Tracts in restroom stalls

6. chain yourself to abortion clinics

7. Threaten legal action against anyone who "Infringes" on your rights ( Jay Sekjewlow and the ACLJ are a big help....they even have chartered Jets!)

8. Join the NRA

9. Vote Republican

10. Campaign against Gay Rights

11. Harass Renissance Faires, Wiccan Festivals, Folk Festivals and Rock Concert goers

12. place a picture of Kirk Cameron somewhere in your house

13. Eat at Chick Filet

14. Burn Books

15 Dont smoke

16. Dont Drink

17. Don't dance

18. Don't attend Rock, Rap or Country music concerts

19 .Beat your wife

20, Beat your kids

21. Dont swear

[Remy Lebeau]

Re: how does one get saved?

I can say the same about all ethnicities in America that derive from Europe.

OK, then why don't you?

I believe it's your job to answer why God put all these different races on the planet, if it's not due to evolution.

We do not tolerate racism here, sir. I am tired of bigots like you using evilution as an excuse to state that african negroidials(i.e. homo erectus) was a precursor to modern men that is closer to chimps. Just because they look more like apes does not give you the right to infer that they are some kind of missing link!!! So what if a beaver dam is more advances than their mud huts. Also I'm feed up with you racists using it as a an excuse to mistreat aboriginals(i.e. neanderthals) on the basis that they aren't human, but rather are a different species altogether.

[Justina Thyme]

Re: how does one get saved?

Gentlemen, gentlemen, PLEASE!

May we get back on topic? A certain person named "Firefighter" has requested information on how one becomes saved.

Greetings to you, Firefighter, and a hearty, if tumultuous, welcome to the Landover Baptist Church. Please take a moment to review the following list and see if you have any of the items on it; if so, please rid yourself of those items as soon as you can:

American Indian artifacts (dreamcatchers, etc.), carvings, pictures
East Indian items
Paisley pattern on anything
Items from other countries, especially Africa, China, Japan
Statues/pictures of false gods/goddesses (Buddha, Krishna, et al.)
Frogs, owls, hearts, unicorns, angels, dolphins, rainbows, dragons, horseshoes
Dolls and stuffed animals (dolls originated in voodoo)
Items of clothing named after pagan idols or gods/goddesses (e.g., Nike is a Greek goddess)
Pictures of movie stars/other celebrities
Some items passed down from ancestors (the ancestor may have been cursed)
Shamrocks, clovers or any kind of good luck charm
Any items used in witchcraft
The Book of Mormon
The Satanic Bible
Any "Christian" bible other than the English King James Version 1611 (KJV1611)
Books on other religions
Rock and roll music, jazz music, etc.
Flamingos, sundials, books/tapes from false (i.e., non-Deliverance) religions
Ankhs, astrological symbols, peace symbols, tikis, Italian horns (cornutos)
Stars, wishbones, incense, fleurs-de-lis

Thank you, and I hope your time here with us is blessed.

[Sister Noddy]

Re: how does one get saved?

Hey there, firefighter guy,

Just an additional word of precaution, if you are looking to be Saved®! Be sure to check your attic, your closets, your basements, your garage, and any hidden crawlspaces in the foundations of your house, for items like these!

little red toy wagons
plastic or rubber party masks (especially Donald Duck masks)
suspicious miniature flying machines of unknown metalic substance
suspicious objects found in the bushes that hum or buzz or levitate
paragliders or weather balloons
gas masks and other unusual military gear
any unidentified object suddenly appearing in your home or garage

Because unless you have JESUS you never can be sure, you never can be too careful ...

... because the end times are near, and men's hearts are failing them for fear, and for looking after those things which are coming on the earth ...

With love in Jesus, Sister Noddy

[Justina Thyme]

Re: how does one get saved?

Amen, Sister. For we are to look to the skies for signs, and look inside our own hearts.

[JawOfAnAss]

Re: how does one get saved?

Amen, Sister. For we are to look to the skies for signs, and look inside our own hearts.

Just don't get fooled by airplanes towing ads for bars and other unholy places. Almost ended up up in one of those places from a "sign".
Luckily the pilot plunged into the ocean like a Kennedy

[Firefighter]

Re: how does one get saved?

My best friend, just told me all i have to do is ask Jesus in to my heart as my Lord and Savior, and repent of my sins. so i prayed this:
Dear Jesus,
I am a sinner, I have sinned and done bad things. I accept you Lord Jesus to come into my heart and forgive me of my sins and save me from hell. I know with my heart, soul, body, and mind you are King of Kings and Lord of Lords. I confess this with my mouth. Jesus I love you and I thank you for dying on the cross for my sins. Amen.

I prayed this prayer.

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Re: how does one get saved?

My best friend, just told me all i have to do is ask Jesus in to my heart as my Lord and Savior, and repent of my sins. so i prayed this:
Dear Jesus,
I am a sinner, I have sinned and done bad things. I accept you Lord Jesus to come into my heart and forgive me of my sins and save me from hell. I know with my heart, soul, body, and mind you are King of Kings and Lord of Lords. I confess this with my mouth. Jesus I love you and I thank you for dying on the cross for my sins. Amen.

I prayed this prayer.

Praise Jesus! You're off to a good start. Now you'll need to repent of all your sin and perversions, renounce satan, read the entire KJV1611 Bible cover to cover, change your lifestyle, and tithe 10% of your gross income to Jesus.

Hit that shiny Paypal button at the bottom of this page and you'll be one step closer to *Guaranteed Salvation.







*Certain conditions do apply. See the Holy Bible for complete details.

[Nobar King]

Re: how does one get saved?

Firefighter, you asked a serious question and received a variety of excellent responses, all personal steps toward reaching the glory of Jesus. Your prayer is an excellent first step. We're delighted that you bothered to stick around and consider your obligation to the Lord. It is truly a blessing to hear such positive words around these parts.