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  • SUV
    True Christian™ Princess
    The Driving Force behind RA12
    Have at it, anytime!
    • Sep 2006
    • 11027
    #1

    Bless the Blessed Birthday of PASTOR AL E. PISTLE!

    Here in America we still have a few hours before May 2nd, but I thought some of you in other "Countries" might be there already.

    This great Christian Man is too shy to join us very often now, but he is still the Heart & Soul of Landover Baptist Church and our most Fundamental Member!

    Bless You in a Multitude of Ways, and, the very merriest of Christmases to..... PASTOR AL!
    Tags: happy birthday pastor!!, pastor al is the big cheese
    • Brother Temperance
      Senior Usher
      True Christian™ missionary to the Unsaved Kingdom
      A very nice young man
      True Christian™
      • Sep 2006
      • 15621
      #2
      Re: Bless the Blessed Birthday of PASTOR AL E. PISTLE!

      Why isn't Our Glorious Leader's birthday a national holiday yet? I blame the Clintons.

      Come to think of it, how come Lump's house hasn't been demolished and replaced with a giant statue of Pastor Al yet? I demand answers!
      O Lord our God, help us to tear their soldiers to bloody shreds with our shells; help us to cover their smiling fields with the pale forms of their patriot dead; help us to drown the thunder of the guns with the shrieks of their wounded, writhing in pain; help us to lay waste their humble homes with a hurricane of fire; help us to wring the hearts of their unoffending widows with unavailing grief; help us to turn them out roofless with little children to wander unfriended the wastes of their desolated land in rags and hunger and thirst, sports of the sun flames of summer and the icy winds of winter, broken in spirit, worn with travail, imploring Thee for the refuge of the grave and denied it--for our sakes who adore Thee, Lord, blast their hopes, blight their lives, protract their bitter pilgrimage, make heavy their steps, water their way with their tears, stain the white snow with the blood of their wounded feet! We ask it, in the spirit of love, of Him Who is the Source of Love, and Who is the ever-faithful refuge and friend of all that are sore beset and seek His aid with humble and contrite hearts. Amen.



      God being truth, justice, goodness, beauty, power, and life, man is falsehood, iniquity, evil, ugliness, impotence, and death. God being master, man is the slave. Incapable of finding justice, truth, and eternal life by his own effort, he can attain them only through a divine revelation... he who desires to worship God must harbor no childish illusions about the matter, but bravely renounce his liberty and humanity.

        Comment

        • Pastor Ezekiel
          Putting the "stud" back in Bible Study
           
          • Sep 2006
          • 78556
          #3
          Re: Bless the Blessed Birthday of PASTOR AL E. PISTLE!

          God Bless America and God Bless Pastor Pistle! I know the entire congregation joins me in offering thanks and glory to Jesus, for having decided not to kill our beloved Pastor for another year.

          As usual, the annual "Happy Birthday Pastor Al Love Offering" will be collected this coming Sunday, so bring your Landover Debit Cards© and be prepared to make Jesus happy. Any members who don't cough up gleefully give properly, or who try to duck out are shut-in can expect a surprise visit from Brother BJ and his boys in security in the relative privacy of their home.
          Who Will Jesus Damn?

          Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:

          Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)

          Need Pastoral Advice? Contact me privately at PastorEzekiel@landoverbaptist.net TODAY!!

            Comment

            • Mrs. Mary Whitford
              Ladies of Landover Senior VP
              One of the Truest Christians™ Ever
              Mama Grizzly and formerly Sister Mary Maria
              True Christian™
              • Dec 2006
              • 12414
              #4
              Re: Bless the Blessed Birthday of PASTOR AL E. PISTLE!

              Happy birthday, Pastor Al! I hope you enjoy your new Hummer from the Whitfords.
              Posted via Prayer

              1 Timothy 2:13-15 For Adam was first formed, then Eve. And Adam was not deceived, but the woman being deceived was in the transgression. Notwithstanding she shall be saved in childbearing, if they continue in faith and charity and holiness with sobriety.
              Bearing my husband's heirs and being SAVED!

              Blogging for CHRIST!
              Witnessing for GOD on YouTube!
              All a-Twitter for Salvation!
              Bringing Jesus to MySpace!
              On FIRE for the Lord on Facebook!
              My Ladies of Landover profile!

                Comment

                • Pastor Ezekiel
                  Putting the "stud" back in Bible Study
                   
                  • Sep 2006
                  • 78556
                  #5
                  Re: Bless the Blessed Birthday of PASTOR AL E. PISTLE!

                  Originally posted by Sister Mary Maria View Post
                  Happy birthday, Pastor Al! I hope you enjoy your new Hummer from the Whitfords.
                  YOU two each gave him a Hummer? Talk about social faux pax! I gave him a Hummer too!

                  Ah memories. We'll all look back on this and laugh someday.
                  Who Will Jesus Damn?

                  Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:

                  Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)

                  Need Pastoral Advice? Contact me privately at PastorEzekiel@landoverbaptist.net TODAY!!

                    Comment

                    • Glendora Christianson
                      Spiritual Mother of LBC
                      True Christian™
                      • Sep 2006
                      • 2329
                      #6
                      Re: Bless the Blessed Birthday of PASTOR AL E. PISTLE!

                      Originally posted by Pastor Ezekiel View Post
                      YOU two each gave him a Hummer? Talk about social faux pax! I gave him a Hummer too!

                      Ah memories. We'll all look back on this and laugh someday.
                      Elmer and I couldn't afford a Hummer, so we got him a Bass Boat with a Godly 225 horsepower 2 cycle outboard engine. I can't wait to show Pastor Pistle how pretty and shiny that outboard makes the surface of the lake!
                      Attached Files
                      Jesus - gentle, dependable overnight relief.

                        Comment

                        • Petal
                          LBC psychiatric outpatient. Progressing nicely.
                          True Christian™
                          • Sep 2006
                          • 991
                          #7
                          Re: Bless the Blessed Birthday of PASTOR AL E. PISTLE!

                          happy birthdays Mr.Pastor Pistle, lord God shore blesseds you cuz you nearly as olds as the hills, maybee you were borned when the hills were borned what was that like, i wants to no cuz ancients histery be one of my favorite subjects in skool please learn me some stuff

                          it be your birthdays ---> <--- an cuz you so oldin, you alloweds to be flatchulint

                            Comment

                            • Old Man Hatchet
                              Super Moderator
                              Beloved Church Elder
                              World's Greatest Father and Grandfather
                              True Christian™
                              • Sep 2006
                              • 2084
                              #8
                              Re: Bless the Blessed Birthday of PASTOR AL E. PISTLE!

                                Comment

                                • eliot mayfield
                                  God Squad
                                  True Christian™
                                  • Sep 2006
                                  • 9324
                                  #9
                                  Re: Bless the Blessed Birthday of PASTOR AL E. PISTLE!

                                  I got him one of these with his favorite Bible verses inscribed as well as an etched picture of himself!



                                  I know it's small, but it's very nice.
                                  CZ-USA -- the world class Czech Republic maker of pistols and rifles has added shotguns to their portfolio by becoming the exclusive US distributor for Huglu, the primary producer of shotguns in Turkey. But equally important, they've added the people who are capable of translating the American birdhunters' needs to the CDC equipment in Turkey, as this quote from their catalog attests:
                                  . . . upland game in America is normally taken over a pointing dog at the flush. Whether ruff grouse from thick New England cover or bobwhite in the Georgia pine, American upland game shooting is as often as not the quintessential snap-shot.
                                  Although the CZ Ringneck model is priced more like an "entry level" side-by-side (the MSRP for 12 and 20 gauge guns is only $869, while the 28's and .410's are $1,045) they possess a degree of design sophistication not commonly associated with low-cost doubles. They are built on frames proportionate to the gauge with a Prince of Wales grip, single trigger and five chokes tubes: C-IC-M-IM-F in 12, 20 and 28 gauges (.410 is IC/M fixed). Stock dimensions are 1-1/2" x 2-1/4" x 14-1/2" with about 1/4" cast-off to a rubber pad. The pad has a hard-plastic horseshoe at the top that slides on a sweater or hunting jacket instead of hanging up like a lot of plain rubber pads do.
                                  The specially designed forearm deserves mention. Most American shooters have a terrible time coping with a 7" splinter forend. It encourages shooting with a short left arm, a recipe for missed birds. CZ put a 9-1/2" modified semi-beavertail with a little Schnable tip on the Pheasant model, which positions the left hand to be were it ought to be. Nice touch. The raised rib does a good job in picking up the target and it's not ventilated, so you won't have to pick weed seeds when you get home. Top it all off with 3" chambers (not on 28 gauge), choice of 26" or 28" barrel lengths, case-colored and lightly engraved false sideplates, good wood to metal fit and side clips.
                                  Matthew:
                                  5:17 Think not that I am come to destroy the law, or the prophets: I am not come to destroy, but to fulfil.
                                  5:18 For verily I say unto you, Till heaven and earth pass, one jot or one tittle shall in no wise pass from the law, till all be fulfilled
                                  10:21 And the brother shall deliver up the brother to death, and the father the child: and the children shall rise up against their parents, and cause them to be put to death.
                                  10:34 Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword.


                                  sigpic

                                    Comment

                                    • Wide-Open
                                      Director of European Evangelical Outreach
                                      A Shining Example of Christ's Love
                                      Quite possibly the only decent, heterosexual human being in the whole of Europe
                                      True Christian™
                                      • Nov 2007
                                      • 18449
                                      #10
                                      Re: Bless the Blessed Birthday of PASTOR AL E. PISTLE!

                                      That is a nice cake Brother Hatchet.

                                      It was difficult for me to think of a suitable present, because we all know Pastor Pistle simply abhors Eurotrash trash.

                                      So I ordered 5 custom made, signed, and dedicated ones of these (with gold plated springs) in the US, to use in the Hummers and the Bass Boat.

                                      [ATTACH]5155[/ATTACH]

                                      You can't go wrong with Jesus on your dashboard can you now?!*

                                      Many happy returns Pastor Pistle!

                                      *(PS Pastor, if you don't like them you can always use them for target practice, just like you did with the embroidered oven mittens I gave you last year)
                                      Psalm 81:10:
                                      I am the LORD thy God, which brought thee out of the land of Egypt:
                                      open thy mouth wide, and I will fill it.

                                        Comment

                                        • SUV
                                          True Christian™ Princess
                                          The Driving Force behind RA12
                                          Have at it, anytime!
                                          • Sep 2006
                                          • 11027
                                          #11
                                          Re: Bless the Blessed Birthday of PASTOR AL E. PISTLE!



                                          It looks to me like Jesus is playing "Clap hands, clap hands, 'til Daddy comes Home."

                                            Comment

                                            • Sister Noddy
                                              True Christian™
                                              True Christian™
                                              • Jun 2007
                                              • 1843
                                              #12
                                              Re: Bless the Blessed Birthday of PASTOR AL E. PISTLE!

                                              Gosh, Pastor Al! HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOOOOU!
                                              1st Timothy 2: 9 In like manner also, that women adorn themselves in modest apparel, with shamefacedness and sobriety; not with broided hair, or gold, or pearls, or costly array;
                                              1st Timothy 2: 10 But (which becometh women professing godliness) with good works ...

                                              1 Timothy 5: 16 If any man or woman that believeth have widows, let them relieve them, and let not the church be charged; that it may relieve them that are widows indeed ...

                                              Proverbs 31: 26 She openeth her mouth with wisdom; and in her tongue is the law of kindness ...
                                              Proverbs 31: 27 She looketh well to the ways of her household, and eateth not the bread of idleness ...

                                                Comment

                                                • SUV
                                                  True Christian™ Princess
                                                  The Driving Force behind RA12
                                                  Have at it, anytime!
                                                  • Sep 2006
                                                  • 11027
                                                  #13
                                                  Re: Bless the Blessed Birthday of PASTOR AL E. PISTLE!

                                                  Pastor, I say, Pastor Al! Will you not give your flock a few Words of Godly Wisdom on your Christian birthday? Please?

                                                    Comment

                                                    • Boring Jerry
                                                      Confirmed Enemy of God
                                                      BANNED from Landover -- Aeternal Damnation Assured
                                                      • May 2008
                                                      • 225
                                                      #14
                                                      Re: Bless the Blessed Birthday of PASTOR AL E. PISTLE!

                                                      I was wondering why most of you got him a Hummer. Why not a Ford F-450 or something?

                                                        Comment

                                                        • Mrs. Mary Whitford
                                                          Ladies of Landover Senior VP
                                                          One of the Truest Christians™ Ever
                                                          Mama Grizzly and formerly Sister Mary Maria
                                                          True Christian™
                                                          • Dec 2006
                                                          • 12414
                                                          #15
                                                          Re: Bless the Blessed Birthday of PASTOR AL E. PISTLE!

                                                          Originally posted by Alex_B View Post
                                                          I was wondering why most of you got him a Hummer. Why not a Ford F-450 or something?
                                                          Most of us? Learn to count, my little retarded friend! He just received two Hummers, one from my husband (Mr. Whitford) and myself, and one from Pastor Zeke. That gives him one for city driving, and one for hunting and fishing.
                                                          Posted via Prayer

                                                          1 Timothy 2:13-15 For Adam was first formed, then Eve. And Adam was not deceived, but the woman being deceived was in the transgression. Notwithstanding she shall be saved in childbearing, if they continue in faith and charity and holiness with sobriety.
                                                          Bearing my husband's heirs and being SAVED!

                                                          Blogging for CHRIST!
                                                          Witnessing for GOD on YouTube!
                                                          All a-Twitter for Salvation!
                                                          Bringing Jesus to MySpace!
                                                          On FIRE for the Lord on Facebook!
                                                          My Ladies of Landover profile!

                                                            Comment

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