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God Bless the Supreme Court! Human rights for Corporations!
Overturning a century-old restriction, the Supreme Court ruled Thursday that corporations could spend as much as they wanted to sway voters in federal elections.
In a landmark 5-4 decision, the court's conservative bloc said that corporations had the same right to free speech as individuals...
President Obama called the ruling "a major victory for Big Oil, Wall Street banks, health insurance companies and the other powerful interests that marshal their power every day in Washington to drown out the voices of everyday Americans."
God Bless the Supreme Court, and praise Jesus for Judicial activism! Thanks to this ruling, AmeriChrist Corporation will be buying politicians in bulk! In a landmark 5-4 decision, the court's conservative bloc said that corporations had the same right to free speech as individuals...
President Obama called the ruling "a major victory for Big Oil, Wall Street banks, health insurance companies and the other powerful interests that marshal their power every day in Washington to drown out the voices of everyday Americans."
Now, since Corporations have the exact same rights as humans, that means Corporations also have the right to kill in self-defense. If a union, activist group, or some uppity small business threatens to do damage to our profits, that's assault and battery. If there's a risk of us going out of business, that's attempted murder and we're allowed to kill in self-defense.
So, now all we need to do is get a case to the Supreme Court, to set precedent. It seems nobody can threaten Americhrist Corp, but I've noticed there's an old shop on 2nd Street that sells the same sort of things that Wal-Mart does. That damages the human being known as Wal-Mart, and is therefore assault.
Who's up for rescuing a Corporate damsel in distress?
UPDATE: Republicans agree that Human rights don't only apply to corporations, they also apply to people who have sex purely for reproductive purposes. (And nobody else. Because that's how human rights work, you can't have them without taking away someone else's).
If you've never masterbated, or had non-vaginal sex, or had vaginal sex with someone using birth control, you now have rights:
"Civil rights are granted in natural rights. Natural rights are granted in human nature. Human nature is a rational substance in relationship. The intelligible end of reproductive act is reproduction. Do you understand that? Civil rights when they conflict with natural rights are (yelling) No YOU sit down. The lesbians at Smith College protest better than you do. The lesbians at Smith College protest better than you do. Alright? Bring it. Jeff Frazee, guess what, you just made an enemy out of me, buddy. Yeah you, guess what. YOU just made an enemy out of me"
Of course, anyone who has masturbated or had non-vaginal sex, or had vaginal sex with someone using birth control; is not human, since human nature is to only orgasm in the name of reproduction.
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