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Hello Brothers and Sisters! I'm sure you've all been following the tragic news of rioting, looting and the awesome police response to this lawlessness in Ferguson, Missouri. By coincidence, I have a great personal interest in this topic, as the Ferguson Police Department was recently privatized and sold to my company.
Just to recap what happened...
Ferguson is a suburb near St Louis, and a few days ago a young black teenage punk named Michael Brown was shot there by an upstanding member of the police community. We're withholding the officer's name for his own protection, but I can tell you that he used to work in Palo Alto, California, a few years ago, and you may have seen his photo in the news previously. He is an expert in crowd control and police-community relations:
Police-community relations
Anyway, this Brown punk and another criminal were strutting down the street, when our alert officer-hero noticed that they were jaywalking. Despite the seriousness of the offense, our man kept his cool and merely shouted threats and obscenities at the pair of hoodlums. However, they ignored this friendly warning to get back on the sidewalk immediately and just continued their jive-strutting.
Just to be clear, jaywalking is dangerous. Thus, in order to protect the teens from possible accident and injury, our office bravely fired a few warning shots into Michael Brown's chest and back, plus a few more into him while he was writhing on the ground. The Ferguson Police Department has already conducted an investigation into the matter, clearing the officer of any wrongdoing because he observed that Michael Brown had a bulge in his pants' pocket that could have been a weapon, or his wallet, or (most likely) his tallywacker, considering that this is a Negro we're talking about.
Well, I think we can all agree that this was just honest road kill, the sort of thing that happens everyday, and nothing racist. We've reviewed the officer's records, and we see that he has a long history of diversity sensibility, having shot members of numerous minority communities such as beaners and anyone with a foreign accent - he doesn't specifically pick on Negroes.
But nooooo, in a matter of hours there were liberals out in the streets protesting and screaming "racism." Large number of them started gathering on street corners, holding up signs pointing out that Michael Brown was shot multiple times even though he was unarmed. Yeah, right - like a giant tallywacker isn't a weapon? Give me a break!
Well, it wasn't long before the "peaceful protests" erupted into violence, and then the looting started, threatening Godly Wal-Mart. Fortunately, we rushed in our security forces, diverting the looters away from Wal-Mart and towards their competitors, mostly small mom & pop shops that don't even make campaign contributions to the Republican Party! I'm sure that Jesus would say, "let them burn!" My company even contributed some full gas cans and matches to the effort, in the interests of fostering a more "business-friendly" environment once these socialist family-run shops are gone, a win-win for my company and the community.
However, the situation continued to escalate. In the hopes of calming things down, at first we went lightweight with the security. We only sent in 10,000 troops to protect Wal-Mart, the banks and Home Depot. To avoid needless deaths, our forces were told to fire humane 22-caliber bullets even though mortars would have been more effective.
Friendly officer firing almost non-lethal weapon
Of course, if you give the Negroes an inch, they'll take a mile. Right away they started whining to the liberal media about the "militarization" of the police. As if an automatic rifle or tank was a military weapon! Hey, if you want to talk "military," how about we toss a few nukes at Ferguson? Indeed, we actually considered doing hat, but it would have taken out nearby St Louis, where my company has considerable property investments, so that was not an option.
And then the terrorists started pouring into Ferguson! The ever-vigilant NSA - now owned by my company - discovered two Al-Jezeera TV journalists had penetrated Ferguson and were sending videos of the rioting out via a satellite link, despite our best efforts to hide what was going on by confiscating cell phones, cameras, computers and audio devices.
Thus, we had no choice but to upgrade our defenses.
Managing the news media
Nevertheless, things just got more and more out of control. Finally, we decided to stop pulling punches.
No more Mr Nice Guy
I'm happy to report that once we stopped pussy-footin' around and took the gloves off, order was quickly restored. The situation in Ferguson is now calm and quiet.
Peace returns to Ferguson
Despite all the trauma, I'm pleased with the way things have turned out. We'd been wanting to re-develop Ferguson into an upscale community for awhile, but until now didn't have a satisfactory plan to relocate long-term residents into low-cost housing. That problem is now, I think, permanently solved.
Missouri has always been known as the "Show-Me" state. Actually, that sounds kind of homo. But anyway, I guess we showed 'em - bet it will be a long time before anyone else dares to protest again!
All in all, a great day for "zero-tolerance" security, the free market in general, and Uranus Corporation in particular! Remember, what's good for Uranus is good for the USA!
Just to recap what happened...
Ferguson is a suburb near St Louis, and a few days ago a young black teenage punk named Michael Brown was shot there by an upstanding member of the police community. We're withholding the officer's name for his own protection, but I can tell you that he used to work in Palo Alto, California, a few years ago, and you may have seen his photo in the news previously. He is an expert in crowd control and police-community relations:
Police-community relations
Anyway, this Brown punk and another criminal were strutting down the street, when our alert officer-hero noticed that they were jaywalking. Despite the seriousness of the offense, our man kept his cool and merely shouted threats and obscenities at the pair of hoodlums. However, they ignored this friendly warning to get back on the sidewalk immediately and just continued their jive-strutting.
Just to be clear, jaywalking is dangerous. Thus, in order to protect the teens from possible accident and injury, our office bravely fired a few warning shots into Michael Brown's chest and back, plus a few more into him while he was writhing on the ground. The Ferguson Police Department has already conducted an investigation into the matter, clearing the officer of any wrongdoing because he observed that Michael Brown had a bulge in his pants' pocket that could have been a weapon, or his wallet, or (most likely) his tallywacker, considering that this is a Negro we're talking about.
Well, I think we can all agree that this was just honest road kill, the sort of thing that happens everyday, and nothing racist. We've reviewed the officer's records, and we see that he has a long history of diversity sensibility, having shot members of numerous minority communities such as beaners and anyone with a foreign accent - he doesn't specifically pick on Negroes.
But nooooo, in a matter of hours there were liberals out in the streets protesting and screaming "racism." Large number of them started gathering on street corners, holding up signs pointing out that Michael Brown was shot multiple times even though he was unarmed. Yeah, right - like a giant tallywacker isn't a weapon? Give me a break!
Well, it wasn't long before the "peaceful protests" erupted into violence, and then the looting started, threatening Godly Wal-Mart. Fortunately, we rushed in our security forces, diverting the looters away from Wal-Mart and towards their competitors, mostly small mom & pop shops that don't even make campaign contributions to the Republican Party! I'm sure that Jesus would say, "let them burn!" My company even contributed some full gas cans and matches to the effort, in the interests of fostering a more "business-friendly" environment once these socialist family-run shops are gone, a win-win for my company and the community.
However, the situation continued to escalate. In the hopes of calming things down, at first we went lightweight with the security. We only sent in 10,000 troops to protect Wal-Mart, the banks and Home Depot. To avoid needless deaths, our forces were told to fire humane 22-caliber bullets even though mortars would have been more effective.
Friendly officer firing almost non-lethal weapon
Of course, if you give the Negroes an inch, they'll take a mile. Right away they started whining to the liberal media about the "militarization" of the police. As if an automatic rifle or tank was a military weapon! Hey, if you want to talk "military," how about we toss a few nukes at Ferguson? Indeed, we actually considered doing hat, but it would have taken out nearby St Louis, where my company has considerable property investments, so that was not an option.
And then the terrorists started pouring into Ferguson! The ever-vigilant NSA - now owned by my company - discovered two Al-Jezeera TV journalists had penetrated Ferguson and were sending videos of the rioting out via a satellite link, despite our best efforts to hide what was going on by confiscating cell phones, cameras, computers and audio devices.
Thus, we had no choice but to upgrade our defenses.
Managing the news media
Nevertheless, things just got more and more out of control. Finally, we decided to stop pulling punches.
No more Mr Nice Guy
I'm happy to report that once we stopped pussy-footin' around and took the gloves off, order was quickly restored. The situation in Ferguson is now calm and quiet.
Peace returns to Ferguson
Despite all the trauma, I'm pleased with the way things have turned out. We'd been wanting to re-develop Ferguson into an upscale community for awhile, but until now didn't have a satisfactory plan to relocate long-term residents into low-cost housing. That problem is now, I think, permanently solved.
Missouri has always been known as the "Show-Me" state. Actually, that sounds kind of homo. But anyway, I guess we showed 'em - bet it will be a long time before anyone else dares to protest again!
All in all, a great day for "zero-tolerance" security, the free market in general, and Uranus Corporation in particular! Remember, what's good for Uranus is good for the USA!
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