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It's Halloween. Your child is sulking because you refuse to let him or her engage in the sick, evil, pagan ritual of dressing up like a hobo and receiving Tootsie Rolls from friendly neighbors. The solution? Let your youngster watch a Friday the 13th movie.
These films depict sex-crazed and drug-addled teenagers getting murdered for their misdeeds. Jason Voorhees is typically the killer, who, much like a Canadian Elvis impersonator, wears a hockey mask and jump suit. He mercilessly flays floozies and decapitates dopeheads.
The Friday the 13th movies teach children a valuable lesson: if you are a fornicator, pot-smoker, or bad actor, you will make God angry and be killed by an indestructible psychopath in an entertaining way, tripping repeatedly as you attempt to escape. What a wonderful and inspirational message.
The musical score superbly augments the mood of these films. It sounds like the victims are being chased by an asthmatic with a stuttering problem. I don't know about you, but asthma and stuttering give me the chills. Apparently Jason not only needs carnage, but an inhaler and a speech therapist as well.
Furthermore, in one of the films Kevin Bacon gets stabbed through the neck with an arrow, which should be gratifying to anyone who has sat through Quicksilver.
So let your child watch a Friday the 13th movie on October 31st. He or she will not feel cheated out of Halloween, and you'll have peace of mind knowing that your little one is going to stay on the Christian path by being horribly traumatized from watching brutal and gruesome murders.
These films depict sex-crazed and drug-addled teenagers getting murdered for their misdeeds. Jason Voorhees is typically the killer, who, much like a Canadian Elvis impersonator, wears a hockey mask and jump suit. He mercilessly flays floozies and decapitates dopeheads.
The Friday the 13th movies teach children a valuable lesson: if you are a fornicator, pot-smoker, or bad actor, you will make God angry and be killed by an indestructible psychopath in an entertaining way, tripping repeatedly as you attempt to escape. What a wonderful and inspirational message.
The musical score superbly augments the mood of these films. It sounds like the victims are being chased by an asthmatic with a stuttering problem. I don't know about you, but asthma and stuttering give me the chills. Apparently Jason not only needs carnage, but an inhaler and a speech therapist as well.
Furthermore, in one of the films Kevin Bacon gets stabbed through the neck with an arrow, which should be gratifying to anyone who has sat through Quicksilver.
So let your child watch a Friday the 13th movie on October 31st. He or she will not feel cheated out of Halloween, and you'll have peace of mind knowing that your little one is going to stay on the Christian path by being horribly traumatized from watching brutal and gruesome murders.
Jesus!
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