Your advice is needed

[Sister Shadow]

What do I do if another woman wants to go out with me?
I've always thought of lesbians as the overweight dykes that they appear to be on TV. I thought this girl was perfectly straight, she was far from a dyke. She was thin, pretty, wore girlish clothes, she seemed like the typical 'girly-girl' until she asked me out on a date earlier today in my English class.
I know the Bible says that homosexuality is wrong, but how do I let her know that she's a heathen who's gonna burn in Hell without hurting her feelings? She's a really nice girl and I don't want her to be tortured for eternity. How can I lead her back to God and Jesus?

[Bobby-Joe]

Re: Your advice is needed

Friend,

Sister Talitha is the church expert on Thespian reclamation. She has boasted in church of how Sister Talitha has had about dozen thespians now thanks to Jesus. However she is speaking at a Christian woman’s rally this weekend. The recommended method it to take her up on the date and then once it is you and her get out your KVJ1611 and in a loud, angry voice start reading the parts calling for death for homers. This will be the prearranged single for a Landover Spiritual Intervention Team to enter the room and escort your friend off to a weeklong Spiritual Counseling Session in a undisclosed location.

EDIT: I have been just informed that Sister Susan Jacoby the person you need to contact for the Spiritual Intervention.

[lord warrior]

Re: Your advice is needed

She must be one of those "lipstick" lesbians. There not all bulldykes. I think that the next time she tries to kiss you or put her hand down your pants, that you remind her what Jesus thinks of those things. And that spending time with her does not include a eternity in hell.

[Talitha]

Re: Your advice is needed

What do I do if another woman wants to go out with me?
I've always thought of lesbians as the overweight dykes that they appear to be on TV. I thought this girl was perfectly straight, she was far from a dyke. She was thin, pretty, wore girlish clothes, she seemed like the typical 'girly-girl' until she asked me out on a date earlier today in my English class.
I know the Bible says that homosexuality is wrong, but how do I let her know that she's a heathen who's gonna burn in Hell without hurting her feelings? She's a really nice girl and I don't want her to be tortured for eternity. How can I lead her back to God and Jesus?

As much as it may "hurt her feelings" you have to tell her in no uncertain terms that to be a Cooter-fiddling Lesbian is an abomination and she will certainly go to hell along with her fat ugly lezbeen friends.
The truth as told in the Bible (KJV 1611) isn't always what sinners and false believers want to hear but IT IS THE WORD OF GOD.
If you have anything at all to do with her Jesus will be watching you.

I expect being a Lezbeen she has no feelings anyway.
Jesus can cure her.

Edit: I see the good Pastor has already answered. praise The Lord.

[Pastor Al E Pistle]

Re: Your advice is needed

What do I do if another woman wants to go out with me?
I've always thought of lesbians as the overweight dykes that they appear to be on TV. I thought this girl was perfectly straight, she was far from a dyke. She was thin, pretty, wore girlish clothes, she seemed like the typical 'girly-girl' until she asked me out on a date earlier today in my English class.
I know the Bible says that homosexuality is wrong, but how do I let her know that she's a heathen who's gonna burn in Hell without hurting her feelings? She's a really nice girl and I don't want her to be tortured for eternity. How can I lead her back to God and Jesus?

You have to be careful about making accusations. Maybe she wants to go out and gossip about how Marie Osmond did on 'Dancing with the stars". I'd set up several video cameras in your house and invite her home. If something goes on, send the videos to me for a professional evaluation. Let's not ruin a young girl's reputation without proof!

[Mrs. Mary Whitford]

Re: Your advice is needed

I still have difficulty recognizing lesbimens who aren't wearing a habit (and if they're wearing a habit, I can assure you they are definitely lesbimens). If they have short hair or are wearing trousers, no problem, they are abominations, but other than that, I have no idea. I pray to Jesus every day to help me recognize lesbimens who are walking around like they are normal people so I know who to properly rebuke.

[Sister Noddy]

Re: Your advice is needed

I still have difficulty recognizing lesbimens who aren't wearing a habit (and if they're wearing a habit, I can assure you they are definitely lesbimens). If they have short hair or are wearing trousers, no problem, they are abominations, but other than that, I have no idea. I pray to Jesus every day to help me recognize lesbimens who are walking around like they are normal people so I know who to properly rebuke.

When my grandsons and I go shopping in town, we see bunny-fluffing lessies everywhere, Sister! The butch kind are the ones in the mens' work trousers hung at the waist with a jingle-jangle of industrial sized keys, and combat boots with thick socks, the mens' workshirts, and the short crewcut-barber-shop hair! They are so easy to recognize!

The lipstick lesbos are a bit more difficult to spot, but my little ones Timmy and Kelly are usually able to single them out.

Of course I leave the streetcorner rebuking to the boys, they are getting good at it, and when their daddy comes home from his trip on family business he will be pleased!

So will Jesus!

[Mr. Jingles]

Re: Your advice is needed

What do I do if another woman wants to go out with me?
I've always thought of lesbians as the overweight dykes that they appear to be on TV. I thought this girl was perfectly straight, she was far from a dyke. She was thin, pretty, wore girlish clothes, she seemed like the typical 'girly-girl' until she asked me out on a date earlier today in my English class.
I know the Bible says that homosexuality is wrong, but how do I let her know that she's a heathen who's gonna burn in Hell without hurting her feelings? She's a really nice girl and I don't want her to be tortured for eternity. How can I lead her back to God and Jesus?

Well, why don't you just slap her around a bit? That might put the fear of Jesus into that rug-muncher.

[Pastor Isaac Peters]

Re: Your advice is needed

Well, why don't you just slap her around a bit? That might put the fear of Jesus into that rug-muncher.

My unsaved accountant once said that lezbianese, especially those of the lipstick persuasion, sometimes enjoy being slapped around by another woman. I can't begin to understand why; perhaps it entertains the demons of lezbertarianism that infest them. In any event, it's probably safe not to start something that she'll only enjoy.

[Hebrew Hammer]

Re: Your advice is needed

How about you start with NOT trying to push your convoluted sense of morals on others who don't want it.

If a homosexual person confronts you, just NICELY say that you are not interested and you are of that sexual preference.

[Sister Noddy]

Re: Your advice is needed

How about you start with NOT trying to push your convoluted sense of morals on others who don't want it.

If a homosexual person confronts you, just NICELY say that you are not interested and you are of that sexual preference.

Gosh, you have a lot of nerve, this is our forum and we are True Christians™, and you're a nobody ...

How about yoooou start with the good sense to realize you're only a guest here, and you are unwelcome, unsaved heathen scum, hebrew homer?

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Re: Your advice is needed

How about you start with NOT trying to push your convoluted sense of morals on others who don't want it.

If a homosexual person confronts you, just NICELY say that you are not interested and you are of that sexual preference.

We are here to save souls for Jesus, not play nice with sodomites.

Everyone knows that God sends filthy perverted sodomites straight to hell. But did you know that God also sends those who support queers to hell as well? Romans 1:31-32

This means you. do you really want to spend etrnity in hell, up to your ears in scalding hot bile, while every demon in hell rams his hairy pronged tool down your throat....all because you have some half-baked notions about "being nice" to perverts?

[Hebrew Hammer]

Re: Your advice is needed

We are here to save souls for Jesus, not play nice with sodomites.

Everyone knows that God sends filthy perverted sodomites straight to hell. But did you know that God also sends those who support queers to hell as well? Romans 1:31-32

This means you. do you really want to spend etrnity in hell, up to your ears in scalding hot bile, while every demon in hell rams his hairy pronged tool down your throat....all because you have some half-baked notions about "being nice" to perverts?

I especially love when demons shove their long tools in my butt...it makes me happy.

And last I checked, the Jews were God chosen people.

If you are about to knock Jew then remember your lord lived and died as one.

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Re: Your advice is needed

I especially love when demons shove their long tools in my butt...it makes me happy.

You won't be happy in eternal hellfire, God-mocker.

And last I checked, the Jews were God chosen people.

Better check again. God loves America. The filthy joos killed his only begotten son. Ever hear about that?

If you are about to knock Jew then remember your lord lived and died as one.

Prove it.

Your kikes just kill me, always whining about Jesus being a joo. GOD ALMIGHTY is Jesus' Father, and GOD is NOT a FILTHY JOO! Mary was just the oven that God used to bake Jesus in. Everyone knows that Jesus has blonde hair and blue eyes, just as I do, so stop telling lies and trying to besmirch our Savior's character.

[Hebrew Hammer]

Re: Your advice is needed

You won't be happy in eternal hellfire, God-mocker.



Better check again. God loves America. The filthy joos killed his only begotten son. Ever hear about that?



Prove it.

Your kikes just kill me, always whining about Jesus being a joo. GOD ALMIGHTY is Jesus' Father, and GOD is NOT a FILTHY JOO! Mary was just the oven that God used to bake Jesus in. Everyone knows that Jesus has blonde hair and blue eyes, just as I do, so stop telling lies and trying to besmirch our Savior's character.

Genesis 12-17

And why is it that in the vast majority of pictures I see of Jesus, he is brown haired and has brown eyes. Your precious Jesus was Middle-Eastern not Arian.

I'm sorry but I believe that Jesus was under charges in Rome for high treason punishable by death.

Maybe you should stop watching Mel Gibson movies and learning facts.