[see_the_light]

Re: Why does God think I'm a gaysexual?

I know brother, this is yet another undeniable proof that God exist and I am really happy that He decided to talk to me.
It's just that this is the first time Jesus has ever spoken to me directly so I guess I secretly wished for some more uplifting message. Ah well, God moves in mysterious ways.

GLORY!

If GOD thinks that the right message for you is to warn you of your weakness, then who are we to outguess HIM.

Now that I started connecting the dots, was not that message very close to your finding your purple socks? Could JESUS be warning you that you have chosen too dangerous a path to serve HIM?

As for your wishes, may I quote JESUS HIMSELF?

Mark 14:36

And he said, Abba, Father, all things are possible unto thee; take away this cup from me: nevertheless not what I will, but what thou wilt.

If GOD decided that the right message for you was a cupcake recipe, then you should feel most honored, being personaly addressed by GOD is as good as it gets.

PRAISE THE LORD!

[Dr Laurence Niles]

Re: Why does God think I'm a gaysexual?

The other night I was teaching my sons some Christian math by proving that universe is 6000 years old by counting genealogy from the Bible. After we finished our studies, I put my calculator back to my work desk drawer.

Now that I turned it on again, I noticed that I had received a message from the LORD through my calculator. What can this mean?
I am happily married and I am totally not gay, everybody knows this.
Yes, I have been lately watching MMA, body building and various types of gay porn but all this in totally non gaysexual way. I only used it to study the lingo of these gaysexual people so I could be more efficient when I witnessing at them in their hangout spots.

Has some hateful atheist been praying on my behalf or something? Of course, one time when I was performing my Christian duty with my wife I accidentally touched my erected tallywhacker and I have to confess that once I touched anus when my finger went through toilet paper. Could these gaysexual acts have damned my soul into hell? What should I do?

I hate to say this but have you thought a more obvious answer than Jesus personally typed in those words for you?

That's right: one of your son's is gay. Or has been anally raped by a family friend or mentor.

Jesus has your back, friend. You need to see to your sons. Before it is too late.

On a lighter note, I'm available for private one to one counselling with the youth who turns out to have been up to anal antics to help bend him into shape (and I'll waiver the normal initial consultation fee).

YIC

[see_the_light]

Re: Why does God think I'm a gaysexual?

On a lighter note, I'm available for private one to one counselling with the youth who turns out to have been up to anal antics to help bend him into shape (and I'll waiver the normal initial consultation fee).

Don't spare the rod, remember you'd be the only thing between that hairless, slender catamite and satan's priapic barbed wired tally-waker!

Make him cry under the rod until the demons spurt out of his anus and he's ready to receive JESUS's redeeming presence.

PRAISE THE LORD!

[Gayassburger]

Re: Why does God think I'm a gaysexual?

Oh, Do not twist my words. I never once said i was a god hater. I believe what -i- want to believe. That's enough for anything. I'm not sitting in a church and letting some man tell me how i should live -my- life. I live it how god intended, to be me.

[Didymus Much]

Re: Why does God think I'm a gaysexual?

Oh, Do not twist my words. I never once said i was a god hater. I believe what -i- want to believe. That's enough for anything. I'm not sitting in a church and letting some man tell me how i should live -my- life. I live it how god intended, to be me.

Hmmph, I guess asking which orifice "god" speaks to you from will have to wait until you're out of quarantine.

[Alphonse Alban]

Re: Why does God think I'm a gaysexual?

I hate to say this but have you thought a more obvious answer than Jesus personally typed in those words for you?

That's right: one of your son's is gay. Or has been anally raped by a family friend or mentor.

Jesus has your back, friend. You need to see to your sons. Before it is too late.

On a lighter note, I'm available for private one to one counselling with the youth who turns out to have been up to anal antics to help bend him into shape (and I'll waiver the normal initial consultation fee).

YIC

I have been thinking about this, Brother Niles, and you might be right. It most likely wasn't Jesus typing that message to me, but He typed it to son. I have been trying to figure it out who of them it is, but I haven't been able to find out yet who is this sinner.

I'm not sure what to do. I think we need to arrange pastor to check their rectums to be sure. I hate to think what we might find out, but it's better to find out sooner than later, if one of them has been having anal sex. If this is the sad case, I think ex-Gay therapy is much easier to go through before the AIDS has truly sank in yet.

[Mother Of Seven]

Re: Why does God think I'm a gaysexual?

Easy solution - cast lots

[Emo Trash]

Re: Why does God think I'm a gaysexual?

Despite the unsettling message, I think we can all agree that yet another miracle has occurred that Jesus-haters will have a very difficult time explaining.

GOD WINS AGAIN!!!

Your signature makes me really angry, okay

'Straight Pride' is a homophobic, biphobic, bigoted thing created by whiny heteros like you.

You can't get kicked out of a restaurant because you're holding hands with your wife.

You can't get fired from work because you're married to a woman.

You won't have people leave you time and time again because you're straight and they don't want to catch the hetero bug from you.

So do the world a favor and shut the ***vulgarity removed by moderator*** up

[Alvin Moss]

Re: Why does God think I'm a gaysexual?

'Straight Pride' is a homophobic, biphobic, bigoted thing created by whiny heteros like you.

Do you mean to say that you can be proud for being a pervert, but normal people can't be proud for being normal?


No offense, but you talk like a Democrat.

[Joanna Lytton-Vasey]

Re: Why does God think I'm a gaysexual?

Is there some reason why you are picking on Brother Zech in particular, Miss Trash?

'Straight Pride' is a homophobic, biphobic, bigoted thing ... blah blah blah

You forgot to mention pedophobic, panphobic, aphobic, pervophobic, lesbophobic and all the other lifestyles that you have chosen to espouse.

But you are wrong, and here is why. A phobia is an anxiety or fear of something. We Christians have no fear of you and your kind, or of your perversions.

2 Timothy 1:7 For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.

[tennisballboylol]

Re: Why does God think I'm a gaysexual?

Nice try you joke. Calculators don't type that on their own. You did that and took a pic just to make it a 'woe is me' situation

[Alphonse Alban]

Re: Why does God think I'm a gaysexual?

Nice try you joke. Calculators don't type that on their own. You did that and took a pic just to make it a 'woe is me' situation

Are you bit slow? Of course calculators don't type on their own, it must have been Jesus who typed that message, it really is the only explanation. Besides, I can't think any reason why Jesus would joke about such matter.

[Ph0enix808]

Re: Why does God think I'm a gaysexual?

With all the Anal Sex "Marriage" being legal I would not be surprised if Satan is putting this evil image in people's subconscious. Just to be safe I think that you should repent anyway