Fatties must DIEt or...

[Poetic Peter]

I wonder, when Jesus comes, will He be displeased
having to hoist so many larders Home?

This is why I am lean and trim:
because I respect my Lord. Because Jesus is not fat
I will not be fat.

Satan, on the other hand, loves to fry fat people.
Fatly unsaved sinners save satan from his needing oil.

FAT unsaved Christians go to hell in a frybasket.

Do you want to go to hell? No!
Do you want to burden God with your lifetime result of pie shoveling? No!

Well, it's high time, fatties, and almost never too late
to diet before you die.

The thin Landover Baptist is considerate to Jesus,
and a thin false christian does his/her bit, at least,
by adding to the overhead (requiring purchase of much mudslime oil) of satan's cooking costs.

----
DIET plans are requested.
Put your diet dish recipes and diet resolutions here.
How do you resist the temptation of food?

For myself it's simply a matter of cigarettes and booze.

Peter

PS: You will quickly note by avatars that all Landover True Christians®
are thin, ready, locked and loaded for a Second Coming soon!

[OnYourKnees]

Re: Fatties must DIEt or...

Ted Haggard seemed to have quite a successful diet METHod, but now we all know his scandalous secret. One he shares with that Whiney Hou-stoned, I believe.

[Talitha]

Re: Fatties must DIEt or...

Thank you for raising this important matter Brother PP.
It is true that the good folk of Landover Bapti$t Church are all perfrctly proportioned.
Chubby chasers should also be avoided.
I apologise for this picture depicting in graphic detail what these fat Homers (probably Australian) look like, but it has to be known:

We have to be careful who we accuse of being a fattie especially as Jesus Christ© himself was wrongly accused.
Luke 7:34
The Son of man is come eating and drinking; and ye say, Behold a gluttonous man, and a winebibber, a friend of publicans and sinners!

Beware Gluttons and Winebibbers.


.

[Pastor Isaac Peters]

Re: Fatties must DIEt or...

Ted Haggard seemed to have quite a successful diet METHod, but now we all know his scandalous secret. One he shares with that Whiney Hou-stoned, I believe.

Yes, it's now crystal clear what his method was.

Here's a little incentive for True Christians™ to keep the pounds off. It's well known that lezbertarians idolize fatness. In fact, even nancy boys have gotten into the act with their "bear community." Before reaching for that extra slice of pizza, ask yourself whether you want a bunch of walrus-like sodomites to be warm for your form. I know I don't.

[SUV]

Re: Fatties must DIEt or...

walrus-like sodomites

Oh, Dear God - don't tell me that Brother Brimley has gone...Gay?!!

[Poetic Peter]

Re: Fatties must DIEt or...

Oh, Dear God - don't tell me that Brother Brimley has gone...Gay?!!

I hope not. I only hope he's keeping on his insulin--not too much though, otherwise he would get fatter.

__________

Meet

Blossom Fantry,

a poetess acquaintance of mine.
I do not shun or disdain heavy people.
Most of them are very nice.

Blossom is saved. I have seen to that.
But I cannot save her yet from her eating disorder.

I worry that she will damage Jesus' lower lumbar region.

Blossom, please! Try a venison-only diet?
Many are good Baptists here who'd willingly hand-feed you.

Blossom, I would like Landoverians to know your beauty
is real. I will, by your leave (or not) emplace
a poem of your life-lightings here,
to throb Landoverian Hearts for your beauty-flower;
Beautiful Blossom! oh, sigh...you are
...so goddam fat you may just kill Jesus again


On This Fine Day
by Blossom Fantry

On this fine day of charming banter
Between a Bird and I,
Is heard no strife, but conference
O'er such worms as we'd both have.

Mine shall be meter'd, and Birdie's--not,
And so, we bind our pact
To pluck the "vers" Maid and Bird wish,
Allowing each-the-other
Her most-favored dish.

Mine are straited on a board
Of pine, by hatpins, neatly-so.
And my quilly friend
Appears to be Italian;
How she slurps her noodley prize!

I envy Birdie's wild Abandon
as I pin inch worms onto my board,
And pine...
To be free-mannered as the Bird:
The ideal of slenderness sublimed,
And in such a dainty feather frock!

[Rev. Carlton Green]

Re: Fatties must DIEt or...

Meet

Blossom Fantry,

* Shortened quote /PD *

Hem hem, What width is considered fat? I'm currently taking the Heather Hardwick diet.

[Rachael Van Helsing]

Re: Fatties must DIEt or...

[ATTACH]627[/ATTACH]

Bobby Joe, wasn't that the picture of the creation science team taken when they were 'just having a bit of fun'?

[OnYourKnees]

Re: Fatties must DIEt or...

I hope not. I only hope he's keeping on his insulin

There's no excuse not to.

He has ALL the major brands.

[eliot mayfield]

Re: Fatties must DIEt or...

I'm sorry but the amount of uninformed clap trap on this thread has me madder than Samson with a jawbone of an ass!

The word fat is in the Bible nearly 1,000 times! The word diet? NO!
However the word Dieth is in there!
Think about this next time you go on a "Dieth"!
1 Kings, chapter 14

"11": Him that dieth of Jeroboam in the city shall the dogs eat; and him that dieth in the field shall the fowls of the air eat: for the LORD hath spoken it.


The word, "lite"? NO!

WE all know the lord prefers meat to veggies. We all know the good Lord loves a bar be que.

God made us so we get fat and don't have to gouge out our eyes everytime we go standing up. That's why skinny people should go sitting down, or with their eyes closed. Come to think of it, sitting down is a bit homerish.
God gave us beef to eat. Big marbled thick juicy steaks with baked potatoes drowning in sour cream and butter!

The pope is skinny. Great role model there!

[Talitha]

Re: Fatties must DIEt or...

I'm sorry but the amount of uninformed clap trap on this thread has me madder than Samson with a jawbone of an ass!

The word fat is in the Bible nearly 1,000 times! The word diet? NO!
However the word Dieth is in there!
Think about this next time you go on a "Dieth"!
1 Kings, chapter 14

"11": Him that dieth of Jeroboam in the city shall the dogs eat; and him that dieth in the field shall the fowls of the air eat: for the LORD hath spoken it.


The word, "lite"? NO!

WE all know the lord prefers meat to veggies. We all know the good Lord loves a bar be que.

God made us so we get fat and don't have to gouge out our eyes everytime we go standing up. That's why skinny people should go sitting down, or with their eyes closed. Come to think of it, sitting down is a bit homerish.
God gave us beef to eat. Big marbled thick juicy steaks with baked potatoes drowning in sour cream and butter!

The pope is skinny. Great role model there!

Oh dear Brother Mayfield. What sort of behaviour is that, to have a Hissy fit in front of the Congregation?
I understand your "problem" and don't worry yourself, The Landover Fitness Emporium has a regime available for all shapes and sizes. At a price to suit every Christian Wallet.
I agree, Juicy Steak is a certainty on Jesus' menu, but it should all be in moderation as The Lord frowns on Gluttony.
Our weekly BBQ after Church is a classic example of Christian eating at It's best, but our Pastors, especially Al and Ezekiel are so busy with their duties that all excess is burned off within hours.

[eliot mayfield]

Re: Fatties must DIEt or...

I believe in the Bible. The KJV 1611. That's good enough for me. I just hate to see people sliding down the firepole to Hell. It makes me sad to see such libral ideas sneaking in the back door to God's favorite church. That's what we get for letting you gals get so uppity.
It's a sad day indeed for Landover and the rest of the planet.

[Glendora Christianson]

Re: Fatties must DIEt or...

I believe in the Bible. The KJV 1611. That's good enough for me. I just hate to see people sliding down the firepole to Hell. It makes me sad to see such libral ideas sneaking in the back door to God's favorite church. That's what we get for letting you gals get so uppity.
It's a sad day indeed for Landover and the rest of the planet.

As a woman, I must agree with our pastor. And I would like to mention that gluttony in the Bible is condemned as it pertains to over-consumption of meat, which is actually bad for you. In addition, drunkardness is included as a condition that is not desirable. I have no doubt that these phrases referred primarily to men who spend too much time at the pub (and not a Godly homemaker who enjoys the occasional bag of Doritos while watching her soaps).


"For the drunkard and the glutton shall come to poverty: and drowsiness shall clothe [a man] with rags"

But as spritual mother of LBC, I am confident that none of God's favorite followers would behave this way.

[neko-lear]

Re: Fatties must DIEt or...

what about those fatties who are fine with being fat? or god forbid want to be larger, are you condemning them because they're comfortable with their bodies?

also, not all the people who like larger people are gay, there are plenty of straight ones out there, I know several of them myself

[eliot mayfield]

Re: Fatties must DIEt or...

Women should not open their mouths in church!

Deuteronomy, chapter 14

"26": And thou shalt bestow that money for whatsoever thy soul lusteth after, for oxen, or for sheep, or for wine, or for strong drink, or for whatsoever thy soul desireth: and thou shalt eat there before the LORD thy God, and thou shalt rejoice, thou, and thine household"