I am redy to move on

[Hank]

Some of you might now my fiance passed away under tragic circumstances some time ago. My heart is now ready to move on and find a good Godly True Christian(tm) wife.

I have a job (I'm a burger chef at a diner) and I'm real good at shooting. I have 4 rifles and a small arsenal of handguns. I'm a good man, hoping to become a True Christian(tm) one day. I go to Church every week (Iowah First Baptist) and I'm planning to move to Freehold hopefully sometime next year.

I beleive in Biblical values and would like the same from a wife. If you aren't Saved(r) or if you are infertile please dont bother posting hear.

Hoping to hear from interesting ladies.

[HTannor]

Re: I am redy to move on

Shout Glory, Brother Hank, on your decision.

I'm sure many ladies of the fertile persuasion will find it hard to pass up on an opportunity to land a man of your obvious attractions. (Please don't take that compliment like it was queer or something.)

[Rev Jeffrey Lebowski]

Re: I am redy to move on

Brother Hank:
May I proffer a chaste Christian virgin for your perusal?
Now, first off, I ain't saying you'd be #1 in-line for the courtship train....
but my darlin' wife, Sister Verna, has a charming sister ... and she has finally decided to get hitched-up to a righteous Christian Soldier of a man.

Her name is Sister Twylla {and get this!} she is a Rock Star! Yep.
I betcha ya never thought you'd get a chance to even meet one {without a restraining order}.
So, you may want to list of few more of your 'virtues' here on the LBC Forum, and I will let her know if you fit-the-mold of her desires.

Question A) Do you have a bunker?
Question B ) Are any of your weapons tactical, and equipped with armor piercing rounds? (she is fond of red-dot lasers!)
Question C) How many rounds of 7.62X39mm ammo can ya carry?
Question D) Do you bathe and sometimes use deodorant? (Sister Twylla is a bit spoiled with the rock star life style and insist that folk around her bathe, occasionally.)
Question E) How many fingers and toes do you have, and were your parents related in any way?
Question F) Can you drive a tour bus?

This is just a partial questionnaire , she is picky ..... BUT there is a dowry AND she has the biggest & nicest child breeding hips ya ever seen on a woman!

Rev Jeffrey Lebowski
Sister Verna Is awaiting your response.

[Hank]

Re: I am redy to move on

Question A) Do you have a bunker?
Yup. Built it myself. I used an old water tank and buried it underground with a secret entry.
Question B ) Are any of your weapons tactical, and equipped with armor piercing rounds? (she is fond of red-dot lasers!)
I have some depleted uranium rounds but nothing fancy.
Question C) How many rounds of 7.62X39mm ammo can ya carry?
I've carried 12 boxes up a hill once, thats a lot of ammo.
Question D) Do you bathe and sometimes use deodorant? (Sister Twylla is a bit spoiled with the rock star life style and insist that folk around her bathe, occasionally.)
I bath every year, sometimes twice a year depending on how I'm feeling. I dont use none of them homer stuff like deodorant.
Question E) How many fingers and toes do you have, and were your parents related in any way?
I got 10 fingers and 9 toes.
Question F) Can you drive a tour bus?
County sherrif dont like it but yeah I do.

I have 50 shekels saved up.

[Bobby-Joe]

Re: I am redy to move on

Brother Hank:
May I proffer a chaste Christian virgin for your perusal?
Now, first off, I ain't saying you'd be #1 in-line for the courtship train....
but my darlin' wife, Sister Verna, has a charming sister ... and she has finally decided to get hitched-up to a righteous Christian Soldier of a man.

Her name is Sister Twylla {and get this!} she is a Rock Star! Yep.
I betcha ya never thought you'd get a chance to even meet one {without a restraining order}.
So, you may want to list of few more of your 'virtues' here on the LBC Forum, and I will let her know if you fit-the-mold of her desires.

Question A) Do you have a bunker?
Question B ) Are any of your weapons tactical, and equipped with armor piercing rounds? (she is fond of red-dot lasers!)
Question C) How many rounds of 7.62X39mm ammo can ya carry?
Question D) Do you bathe and sometimes use deodorant? (Sister Twylla is a bit spoiled with the rock star life style and insist that folk around her bathe, occasionally.)
Question E) How many fingers and toes do you have, and were your parents related in any way?
Question F) Can you drive a tour bus?

This is just a partial questionnaire , she is picky ..... BUT there is a dowry AND she has the biggest & nicest child breeding hips ya ever seen on a woman!

Rev Jeffrey Lebowski
Sister Verna Is awaiting your response.

That sounds a lot like Brother Marshall's little daughter. She was bragging to me about how she can field strip an AR15, clean it blind folded and then just drop a Illegal Immigrant intruder with one shot. She showed me the cute little necklace to keep the ears on. Says she wants to make her daddy proud of her with her body count. I can see she will be a real heart breaker when she gets to the marriageable age.

[Rev Jeffrey Lebowski]

Re: I am redy to move on

Brother Bobby-Joe :
Don't it melt ya heart to see youngins gettin' ready to waste their first 'intruder'!
And, to have her sites set on baggin' an illegal Mexi-rodent is truly a mark of good Christian valuation.
Hope she gives Pedro a taste of magnum force!
When she gets to 13 (marriageable age), perhaps she can compete in the NRA junior assault weapon championships, and become a little Sister Sarah Palin urban achiever.

Brother Hank:
Thanks to a word from me (ya can send me a carton of smokes latter, good buddy)
Sister Twylla has put your name in the eligible hat. Your qualifications do need a tad of , er... improvement. But that can be expected if you wish to be blessed with the rewards that await you in marital bliss with such a prized woman of GRADE-A Baptist breeding stock.

Now, she is used to a fancy Rock Star life style, you know: Motel 6's , Walmart gift cards, Waffle House discounts, etc, etc. BUT don't let that scare ya. She is mega a money-earner, and a good cook too.
So here's a tip for your first chaperoned courtship meeting:
1) Don't mention anything about her sleepy narcolepsy (my wife, Sister Verna has it to, and it can come in real handy for us fellows, if ya get my drift)
2) Drop a few hints about adding a double-wide trailer on top the bunker, and oh, maybe say how nice it would be to bury a few school-buses and add tunnels to the main bunker (this shows you are thinking about the kids playrooms and will instill family values in her mind about you)
3) Wear one of them little pine automobile deodorizers around your neck if you have been hunting deer. She loves the scent of pine mixed with doe urine (as most woman do!).

Good luck with that lady! she is a fine catch.... indeed

Ps >... here is a tease of a pic from her first album. All the Sisters sang on this one (Verna too) Twylla is the pretty one (of course ya knew that, didn't ya , you rascal!)

[Hank]

Re: I am redy to move on

Ps >... here is a tease of a pic from her first album. All the Sisters sang on this one (Verna too) Twylla is the pretty one (of course ya knew that, didn't ya , you rascal!)

One in the middle? (and she got all her teeth too)

[Lola Handcock]

Re: I am redy to move on

Brother Hank Miss Anne ( greenpomaceous) and I are friends ,please do not trifle with her ,you have asked her to marry up with you. Be a good Christian Gentleman and be patient.

[Hank]

Re: I am redy to move on

Brother Hank Miss Anne ( greenpomaceous) and I are friends ,please do not trifle with her ,you have asked her to marry up with you. Be a good Christian Gentleman and be patient.

Yeah why aint she posting in here then?

[Rev Jeffrey Lebowski]

Re: I am redy to move on

Potential Brother in-law Hank:
You sure can spot the pick of the litter!
Looks like its getting cat-fight competitive with your prior promises to Miss Anne!
Maybe a ladies mud wrestlin' smackdown will decide the winner? (note: Sister Twylla has huge biceps and bites like a wolverine)
OK >>> All the arrangements have been made, it's up to you now. The tour bus (a 1984 Winnebago Chieftain!) will be rolling into Cedar Rapids Iowa next week. The band has a 'gig' at the big Tent Revival on the outskirts of town {the one sponsored by the UB-In-Need Discount Mortgage Company, and the Cedar Rapids Christian rock station KJEZ}
You're in luck dude!
Sister Twylla was gonna be escorted by Little Al (the lead singer) but he had a flareup of his anal cyst AND he also got a dose of the H1N1 Mexican pig flu too. {see , the Holy Spirit is looking out for you!)

So, get this, Sister RayLeen will be your chaperon!
Yep.
Now, I know this is a de-luxe date. So maybe you need to visit the pawn shop , or get to selling tractor parts on Craigslist to get some $$$ ..... wash the pickup, buy some flowers (or steal em' at the Jew cemetery), maybe brush your teeth (tooth?), but trust me ~ potential Brother In Law.... it could maybe be the best thing that ever happened to you.
Anyways, you meet at 7pm SHARP at the Cracker Barrel on 5th street (I warned ya she was a high roller, used to fancy eateries!).
I told Sister Twylla you will be wearing a special outfit just for her, made it a surprise. (You need to get a get one of them 3 Wolf Moon T-shirts: it will be irresistible, cause Twylla loves wolves & moons and , 3 will get you towards first-base faster than a speeding silver bullet) http://www.amazon.com/Mountain-Mens-.../dp/B002HJ377A

Sister Twylla will be dressed in her rock star outfit, lots of sparkles, and fringe on the white go-go boots, and will have her name tag on ~ Twylla Dill.

Here the best part, your chaperon ~ Sister RayLeen ~ is a half wit! You know , one of them women with an under-bite and kinda sometimes drools. Don't get me wrong , like many of them tard'-savants (ya know, like the tards' who pee their pants but play Beet hoven on the piano real good?) Well Sister Rayleen has been blessed with Double D mammaries and a weak bladder too.
So , I know what your asking, beyond having Double-D's to oogle at, what is she good for? Glad ya ask .... ya see if she drinks too much sweat-tea she has to tinkle real bad, real quick.
Since Sister Twylla will drop off with the sleepy narcolepsy a few times a night: well if you time it right, you can ditch Rayleen to the ladies room, and maybe get a sleepy peak under the table at what glories sister Twylla has in store for ya.

Now listen potential b-in-law. I happen to know that the Band is hurtin' for a tour bus driver, and a security guard to keep the groupies & stalkers at bay, AND Sister Twylla ain't getting any younger and thus needs a Bible toting, pistol packing', stud to wind-her-clock and sire some offspring. Could be the bump up forya >> big time. You'd be filling three vacant slots at the same time, if ya get my drift!
Oh, and do not believe anything Sister Rayleen tells you about me. She has some tard' fantasy that I have been bugging her to do a Biblical marriage of a polygamist nature; comes from the fact that Verna and I haven't yet pro-created, and also the way she thinks I stare at them double D-Twins of hers …. and maybe the Biblical passages I sometime quote to her about donkeys and stuff.

Finally, if all works out well between you and Twylla......., well I am in a predicament now that may need you to go the the Dollar General and buy an alarm clock; then go get some farm fertilizer and come down here to the County Jail...... tell ya more late, OH.......... Someday - and that day may never come - I'll call upon you to do a service for me. But until that day, accept this date as a gift...................

Wishin' ya bliss (and a peak at the pearly gates!),
Rev Jeffrey Lebowski
Sister Verna is holding her breath

[greenpomaceous]

Re: I am redy to move on

Sorry for my delay Brother Hank; I had some family issues I had to tend to. My pawpaw has cataracts and decided to teach my little brother how to shoot. It didn't end pretty to say the least.

If you have fallen in love with that Twyla woman, I'd understand. Maybe a wonderful man will ask my father for my hand one day.

[Hank]

Re: I am redy to move on

Sorry for my delay Brother Hank; I had some family issues I had to tend to. My pawpaw has cataracts and decided to teach my little brother how to shoot. It didn't end pretty to say the least.

Thats ok, I shot my little brother when I was 8, paw beat me to within an inch of my life and the doctors said I'd have brain damage but I turned out an fine outstanding Christan man.

So how much does your paw want for me to marry you? I have 50 Shekels which is about $500 saved up.

[greenpomaceous]

Re: I am redy to move on

Thats ok, I shot my little brother when I was 8, paw beat me to within an inch of my life and the doctors said I'd have brain damage but I turned out an fine outstanding Christan man.

So how much does your paw want for me to marry you? I have 50 Shekels which is about $500 saved up.

Well... my daddy doesn't want anything too "rich for his blood." I'm sure he'd accept your money graciously... but there's also the hunting trip. He has some property just south of Albany he'd be willing to hunt on. He was thinking the day before thanksgiving... that is if you don't already have plans with your family. We like to have venison for thanksgiving and it's a long standing family tradition for the men to go hunting and the women to stay and cook pies. I'm planning for a cherry, apple, and a pumpkin pie so far. And I think I'm making a green-bean casserole. It's my mama's recipe...

but aside from women's cooking talk, do you think you'd be able to swing it?

[Hank]

Re: I am redy to move on

Well... my daddy doesn't want anything too "rich for his blood." I'm sure he'd accept your money graciously... but there's also the hunting trip. He has some property just south of Albany he'd be willing to hunt on. He was thinking the day before thanksgiving... that is if you don't already have plans with your family. We like to have venison for thanksgiving and it's a long standing family tradition for the men to go hunting and the women to stay and cook pies. I'm planning for a cherry, apple, and a pumpkin pie so far. And I think I'm making a green-bean casserole. It's my mama's recipe...

but aside from women's cooking talk, do you think you'd be able to swing it?

Sure I can ma'am I'm a crack shot. I was in the infintry before I got discharged.

[greenpomaceous]

Re: I am redy to move on

Sure I can ma'am I'm a crack shot. I was in the infintry before I got discharged.

Why did you get discharged? I'm sure that a nice, strapping young fella like yourself wouldn't be arbitrarily thrown from the U.S. Army.