Prayer request for Jenny

[Bob4God]

Re: Prayer request for Jenny

The Freehold community has my word that I will never dress up like a gladiator in public ever again. I didn't realize that my muscular arms, iron pecks, rock solid abs, gluts and thighs could have that kind of effect on her.

What kind of Christian dresses in such a manner to begin with?

I sense arrogance in your post, and we know that arrogance was Lucifer's original sin.

Your muscles and tallywacker won't keep their composure in the lake of fire, friend.

[Vayhr of the Warhost]

Re: Prayer request for Jenny

It's a shame that you don't pay sufficient attention, dear Clarence, or you'd realize that I work two to three weeks of the month in Oregon, raising the Godly Christian child of the depraved hippies, and only one to two weeks per month at The Monthly Visitor tending to business.

The reason I don't meet you at the door, Clarence, is because I'm in Oregon.

I know you LIVED in Oregon. It's no secret.

Jenny, stop embarrassing yourself. You haven't returned to Oregon since you that incident when you fled town. You know, THAT incident. The one the church has chosen to forget.

We only wish to help you. You do want help don't you? You don't wish to continue being in a semi-unclean state indefinitely, do you? I do hope our prayers have healed you.

However, Mammy Edwards (my manageress) tells me that you've been by every day this week on your bicycle, wearing your plastic gladiator helmet with the chicken feathers sticking out. You really should stop that; she's afraid you're going to try some sort of voodoo ritual. (Before she was Saved©, she was married to a Haitian. It was apparently a very unGodly situation.)

Haitians, plastic helmets, voodoo, chicken feathers, and my "Bicycle"?
Oh, Jenny, At least you haven't lost your sense of humor in these trying times. I hear that's a good sign.

I know I prayed for you and I'm sure that I'm not the only one. So tell us, Jenny, did our prayers work? Or are you still the shamed owner of your own private Slip-n-Slide?

I need to get ready for service. Hoping to see you there.

[JennyD]

Re: Prayer request for Jenny

It's a shame that you don't pay sufficient attention, dear Clarence, or you'd realize that I work two to three weeks of the month in Oregon, raising the Godly Christian child of the depraved hippies, and only one to two weeks per month at The Monthly Visitor tending to business.

The reason I don't meet you at the door, Clarence, is because I'm in Oregon.

However, Mammy Edwards (my manageress) tells me that you've been by every day this week on your bicycle, wearing your plastic gladiator helmet with the chicken feathers sticking out. You really should stop that; she's afraid you're going to try some sort of voodoo ritual. (Before she was Saved(c), she was married to a Haitian. It was apparently a very unGodly situation.)

Thank you in advance for respecting my wishes and not harassing my staff or the ladies at The Monthly Visitor in the future.

[Vayhr of the Warhost]

Re: Prayer request for Jenny

I daresay there is no lust involved here, DEMON. But there is PRIDE. No, not even pride, but ARROGANCE on your part, in assuming that a fine True Christian™ lady like Sister JennyD would be interested in your man bits simply because you parade them around like some Doberman in rut, hoping to capture the attentions and affections of any female within 100 paces of yourself.

And know this: A python, or very large snake, is well known as a phallic symbol. Need I spell it out for you? Your specious attempt to seek assistance from this congregation, and from myself in particular, is based on arrogance, and your arrogance is based on the (alleged) size of your tallywhacker. Nice try, poseur. Now get down on your knees and beg Jesus' forgiveness before He decides to send you to hell where you'll discover what a real python feels like.

I have no plans of courting Sister Jenny; therefore, your accusations are absurd. As a True Christian I simply wish to aid another True Christian in a time of need. Now clearly it is very unnatural for a woman's pelvic canal to continue running nonstop for weeks straight. Clearly some demonic workings have to be in play and I thought you'd be the best bet for coming up with a solution, but that is what I get for thinking a woman could spearhead anything of this importance. Jenny needs help right now, not you babbling about your obsession with my man parts. You and that VanHelsing twat need to get off my nuts.

Dear congregation, I just hope our prayers were enough seeing that Justina didn't come through for us. Cross your fingers.

[Justina Thyme]

Re: Prayer request for Jenny

I daresay there is no lust involved here, DEMON. But there is PRIDE. No, not even pride, but ARROGANCE on your part, in assuming that a fine True Christian™ lady like Sister JennyD would be interested in your man bits simply because you parade them around like some Doberman in rut, hoping to capture the attentions and affections of any female within 100 paces of yourself.

PYTHON (PRIDE - CONTROL)

A demon called PYTHON is linked to PRIDE and CONTROL. It wraps around its victim, keeping the victim from doing the things they should do. Read below the origin of PYTHON and why it is such a tough demon.

Python - gr. Pytho, the older name for delphi. A genus of very large, nonpoisonous snakes of Burma, Indochina, etc., that crush their prey to death, the typical genus of the family pythonidae.

In classic mythology, a monster serpent inhabiting the caves of Parnassus and preying upon the people of Delphi and their flocks; it was slain by Apollo.

Any large snake that crushes its prey, as the boa.

Any snake of the genus python or of the family pythonidae.

Pythonidae - a family of peropod snakes, having intermaxillary teeth and rudimentary hind limbs; the rock snakes.

Pythonoidea - a division of large nonvenomous peropod snakes, having rudimentary hind limbs but no pelvis, including the families boidae, charinidae, and pythonoidae.

Pythoness - the priestess of the Delphic oracle. Any woman supposed to be possessed of the spirit of prophecy; a witch; familiar spirit.

Pythonism - divination, divining, augury, pythonism; soothsaying, soothsay, hariolation; fortunetelling, crystalgazing; crystal ball; astrology; sorcery; clairvoyance.

Pythian - relating to Delphi, to Apollo's temple there, its oracle, or priestess. Relating to the Pythian games. A native or inhabitant of Delphi, specifically, the priestess of Apollo. An epithet of the Delphic Apollo.

Python (mythology) - a legend of the greek god Apollo says he avenged his mother, Leto, by killing the dragon Python because it had persecuted her.

Python - a huge serpent, nameless and female in the earliest account (Homer) which was killed by Apollo at Delphi (older name Pytho), either because it would not let him come near the oracle, it used itself to give oracles, or because it persecuted his mother Leto during her pregnancy. It is generally said to be the child of earth, and in all probability is to be connected with the reliable tradition that there was an oracle of earth at Delphi before Apollo came. In Hellenistic belief, a python was a spirit which possessed certain persons and prophesied unknown to them through their mouths. (Encyclopedia Britannica)

Serpent: a snake from its hiss, a serpent; a hiss, i.e. whisper a (magic) spell; gen. To prognosticate; certainly, divine, enchanter, enchantment, learn by experience, diligently observe.

Cast this demon out in the name of Jesus and experience much freedom from his clutches. Many preachers have PYTHON.

And know this: A python, or very large snake, is well known as a phallic symbol. Need I spell it out for you? Your specious attempt to seek assistance from this congregation, and from myself in particular, is based on arrogance, and your arrogance is based on the (alleged) size of your tallywhacker. Nice try, poseur. Now get down on your knees and beg Jesus' forgiveness before He decides to send you to hell where you'll discover what a real python feels like.

[Nobar King]

Re: Prayer request for Jenny

You can be assured that my prayers go out to sister Jenny. She needs all the help she can get at this point.

[Brother Enoch]

Re: Prayer request for Jenny

I pray through Mother Mary that the Lord guides Jenny's right index finger to her love button. In but seconds the demon of lust will be banished. Anyone nearby should use earplugs.

[Mr Godwin]

Re: Prayer request for Jenny

Dear Church Fellowship,

I wish to organize a group prayer for poor suffering Sister Jenny D ...

... as far as I know, if there is no blood it isn't a period. What she is most likely experiencing is a constant state of intense arousal for which I am to blame and I deeply apologize ...

Ya think so, hey?

[Vayhr of the Warhost]

Dear Church Fellowship,

I wish to organize a group prayer for poor suffering Sister Jenny D. As you all know Sister Jenny has walled herself up in the Monthly Visitor due to being in a constant state of "high tides". I cannot help but feel somewhat responsible for her issues.

The Freehold community has my word that I will never dress up like a gladiator in public ever again. I didn't realize that my muscular arms, iron pecks, rock solid abs, gluts and thighs could have that kind of effect on her. I am deeply sorry for the trouble I've caused her and realize I need to grow up. Poor Jenny, being the innocent True Christian lady that she is, thinks she has been having a particularly long unclean time. However, reports from patrons to the Visitor state that there is no bleeding. As far as I know, if there is no blood it isn't a period. What she is most likely experiencing is a constant state of intense arousal for which I am to blame and I deeply apologize. Please pray for her.

Sister Thyme, there may be a demon of lust involved in this. Your help would be greatly appreciated. Let's pool our faith together and help Jenny through this test that Jesus has put before us. At 1100pm CST tonight we should all be praying for the cessation of her naughty river's overflow.

See you all tomorrow at service. If Jesus listens to our prayers, and of course He will, Jenny will be in attendance as well.