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  • #1

    Satanic stigmata

    God gave us hemorrhoids to say quite plainly that that area is off limits. Sodomy is flat out wrong. Hemorrhoids are there to make you understand that nothing should be in that section of the body. It is an exit ramp only and a big hemorrhoid is proof of the pain awaiting sinners in Hell.

    Just imagine the pain you are in if God inflicts you with the “piles” as the British like to say. Yes, it burns and each step wracks you with pain. The softest toilet paper feels like the grittiest sandpaper. Now, this is just a warning, for Satan and his hordes of demons actually have flaming diamond-encrusted members. Think about it for a minute. Ripping and tearing! Acidic corrosive “stuff” being injected while you are at your most sensitive! Yes, now you can grasp what Hell is all about.

    But, if you have the good fortune to just have hemorrhoids, get down on your knees and praise God. Yes, it hurts to bend down and stand up, but think of Paradise! God is infinite in his wisdom. He could strike you dead at any minute. Maybe your shoe unties and you trip. You land in the street and a bus runs over your head. You go to paradise and you’re happy. Praise be!

    God loves you so much he gave you hemorrhoids just to remind you in an infinitesimal way of what awaits. Be sure, the pain you experience is indeed just a crack in the door as to what would really await you in Hell. Next time you’re in the painful burning itchy grip of hemorrhoids, just consider it Satan’s stigmata. A stigmata of things to come.
    Matthew:
    5:17 Think not that I am come to destroy the law, or the prophets: I am not come to destroy, but to fulfil.
    5:18 For verily I say unto you, Till heaven and earth pass, one jot or one tittle shall in no wise pass from the law, till all be fulfilled
    10:21 And the brother shall deliver up the brother to death, and the father the child: and the children shall rise up against their parents, and cause them to be put to death.
    10:34 Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword.


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  • #2
    Re: Satanic stigmata

    Well, how beautiful, Eliot. I never paused to consider the poetry of 'roids. *snicker*
    sigpic
    Wake up and smell the 21st Century!!

    Comment

    • #3
      Re: Satanic stigmata

      You've never stopped to consider your soul either. Do you really want to burn? We all need to pray that Hellseeker gets a big case of the piles! Then you'll see the value of prayer!
      Last edited by eliot mayfield; 01-15-2007, 01:48 PM.
      Matthew:
      5:17 Think not that I am come to destroy the law, or the prophets: I am not come to destroy, but to fulfil.
      5:18 For verily I say unto you, Till heaven and earth pass, one jot or one tittle shall in no wise pass from the law, till all be fulfilled
      10:21 And the brother shall deliver up the brother to death, and the father the child: and the children shall rise up against their parents, and cause them to be put to death.
      10:34 Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword.


      sigpic

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      • #4
        Re: Satanic stigmata

        Originally posted by eliot mayfield View Post
        You've never stopped to consider your soul either. Do you really want to burn. We all need to pray that Hellseeker gets a big case of the piles! Then you'll see the value of prayer!
        Praise Jesus, brother eliot!

        Rachael, I pray without ceasing, and I've never any hemorroids.
        There is a lesson for you to learn from that.

        Also, it would probably help if you stopped letting strange men sodomise you..
        That can't be healthy either, piles or not.
        If thou be wise, thou shalt be wise for thyself: But if thou scornest, thou alone shalt bear it.
        A foolish woman is clamorous: She is simple, and knoweth nothing.
        Proverbs 9:12-13

        Comment

        • #5
          Re: Satanic stigmata

          I'll have you know I've never had a single 'roid! Nary a one (knock on wood), so there.

          If you xtians get constant roids, it's your own fault.
          sigpic
          Wake up and smell the 21st Century!!

          Comment

          • #6
            Re: Satanic stigmata

            Praise the Lord, Brother Eliot!! Roids aren't the only thing God CURSES those SODOMITES with as we all know. PRAISE THE LORD!!
            Evangelist for Jesus and The Word!!

            "Beware of false prophets, which come to you in sheep's clothing, but inwardly they are ravening wolves." Matthew 7:15

            "Prayer should be your first resource. Not your last resort!!"

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            • #7
              Re: Satanic stigmata

              Padded pews help too.

              YIC
              V
              Judges 9:21 And Jotham ran away, and fled, and went to Beer, and dwelt there, for fear of Abimelech his brother.

              Comment

              • #8
                Re: Satanic stigmata

                Originally posted by Brother V View Post
                Padded pews help too.

                YIC
                V
                I give thanks each and every day for my deluxe barkalounger recliner (provided by Jesus) up behind the pulpit. I have the "Marksman" model, as does Pastor Pistle. Lord it helps!
                Who Will Jesus Damn?

                Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:

                Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)

                Need Pastoral Advice? Contact me privately at PastorEzekiel@landoverbaptist.net TODAY!!

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                • #9
                  Re: Satanic stigmata

                  I find it ironic that you talk about how 'roids are a punishment yet it seems to be you who are getting 'em.
                  Last edited by Rachael Van Helsing; 01-16-2007, 04:39 AM.
                  sigpic
                  Wake up and smell the 21st Century!!

                  Comment

                  • #10
                    Re: Satanic stigmata

                    Originally posted by Rachael Van Helsing View Post
                    I find it ironic that you talk about how 'roids are a punishment yet it seems to be you who are getting 'em.

                    It is not a punishment. When God sees fit to single you out for a lesson it's an honor because you know God still loves you and cares about you enough to show you. THAT'S why you've never had one!
                    Matthew:
                    5:17 Think not that I am come to destroy the law, or the prophets: I am not come to destroy, but to fulfil.
                    5:18 For verily I say unto you, Till heaven and earth pass, one jot or one tittle shall in no wise pass from the law, till all be fulfilled
                    10:21 And the brother shall deliver up the brother to death, and the father the child: and the children shall rise up against their parents, and cause them to be put to death.
                    10:34 Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword.


                    sigpic

                    Comment

                    • #11
                      Re: Satanic stigmata

                      Originally posted by Pastor Ezekiel View Post
                      I give thanks each and every day for my deluxe barkalounger recliner (provided by Jesus) up behind the pulpit. I have the "Marksman" model, as does Pastor Pistle. Lord it helps!
                      PRAISE! Our GODLY Pastors deserve only the best!

                      I'm thankful for the leather recliners us Platinum Tithers have. While not quite as nice as the barkaloungers the Pastors have they are quite comfortable, allowing us to listen to the sermon better as we're not fidgiting in a crowded and uncomfortable pew the whole time.
                      The Big-Bang: GOD spoke and, BANG, the universe was formed.
                      Genesis 1:1 - In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth.
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                      • #12
                        Re: Satanic stigmata

                        Originally posted by Pastor Ezekiel View Post
                        I give thanks each and every day for my deluxe barkalounger recliner (provided by Jesus) up behind the pulpit. I have the "Marksman" model, as does Pastor Pistle. Lord it helps!
                        I got rid of mine because I decided a padded recliner was not appropriate for the home. If people get too comfortable they sometimes stop thinking about JESUS. However, I do have two of them in the portable baptismal.
                        Emeritus Professor of the Christ Jesus Chair of Theology at Landover Baptist University.
                        "God loves you. Let us arrange for you to meet Him".
                        Break their teeth, O God, in their mouth.--Psalms 58:6


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                        • #13
                          Re: Satanic stigmata

                          Originally posted by eliot mayfield View Post
                          It is not a punishment. When God sees fit to single you out for a lesson it's an honor because you know God still loves you and cares about you enough to show you. THAT'S why you've never had one!
                          My, my, however am I so stupid that I wouldn't want to convert to a religion where love is shown by the poetically embarrassing and painful 'roids by your 'loving' deity who I don't believe in.

                          You can keep your 'roids, thanks, I'll stick to being a hellbound heathen. And have you tried those donut cushions? Save your ass a lot of pain!
                          Last edited by Rachael Van Helsing; 01-16-2007, 10:32 AM.
                          sigpic
                          Wake up and smell the 21st Century!!

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                          • #14
                            Re: Satanic stigmata

                            A solemn reminder, Brother Mayfield, that we should obey all of the Lord's posted traffic signs. ONE WAY and that is the path to Jesus. Praise!
                            Hell's foundations quiver at the shout of praise;
                            brothers, lift your voices, loud your anthems raise.
                            ...and get off my lawn
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                            • #15
                              Re: Satanic stigmata

                              Well, at least that's one question answered. No wonder *certain people* are grumpy all the time. Constipated AND 'roids!
                              sigpic
                              Wake up and smell the 21st Century!!

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