I Need A Rim Job. Help!

[Brother Harold Porter]

My Brothers, I’m so mad I could just spit.

I recently lost the third hubcap on the Buick and decided I might just get a set of those fancy new alloy wheels rather than replace them, provided there is room in the Porter budget after tithing and witnessing expenses. The 1986 Electra is a fine automobile and I have no plans to replace the old girl.

A tire and wheel outfit in Des Moines advertised reasonable prices, so I gave them a call. Here’s how it went.

Me: “I’d like to get a quote for new rims on my Buick.”

Them: “Certainly, sir. What did you have in mind?”

Me: “I like the Cragar magnesium rims. The five spoke classic?”

Them: “Do you need tires as well?”

Me: “No, the tires are new, just a rim job.”

Them: “Excuse me?”

Me: “I just need to have her rimmed. A simple rim job.”

Them: “Sir, we don’t do anything like that here.”

Me: “I don’t care for your tone. And isn’t that what your shop does? Rimming and re-rim jobs?”

Them: “Sir, I’m afraid we are too busy to help you.”

Well fine. But I called a few other shops as well, only to get the same snide response. Is a rim job too much to ask for? What kind of service is this when you desperately need rimming? I’m too old to rim her myself and don’t even have the tools for a proper rim job.

I need your help Brothers. Where can I get rimmed?

Frustrated, but always in Christ.

[James Hutchins]

Re: I Need A Rim Job. Help!

Brother Porter, if you can get your car to the Hutchins plantation, my nigra Jim will give you a excellent rim job. Nothing but his hands and a little spit will be used. Well, the boy will pop the bead on your rim using his lips. He does me all the time. Lickety split. I bet you will not have time to have a spiritual cognac before he has you finished up. If needed, I could just stick him in an empty train freight car but you'd need to collect him at the switching yard.

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Re: I Need A Rim Job. Help!

My 14 year old Indonesian houseboy does rimjobs for me. He's small, but he has plenty of energy. I love a houseboy who's dedicated to his task.

[WilliamJenningsBryan]

Re: I Need A Rim Job. Help!

With little practice you can do those rim jobs yourself at home and save yourself considerable expense during these troubled Obama economic times. Once again the accumulated body of down home knowledge and wisdom of the redneck comes to the rescue.

[Bobby-Joe]

Re: I Need A Rim Job. Help!

Reading the conversation Harold the clerk came across like you were demanding something lewd instead of simple auto repair. The Unsaved these days are just determined to see something dirty.

For example I just took in my 1942 October issue of Life Magazine into get it restored and the clerk started laughing. I asked him why and clerk said he found the magazine cover title funny;

"67th Fighter Squadron; The Fighting Cocks."

It was about the USAAF's 67th Fighter Squadron in the battle of Guadalcanal.

and had the subtitle

"Hot for action, the Fighting Cocks go south!"

and

"See the Fighting Cocks stick it to the Japs!"

With a very nice picture of the boxing rooster Walt Disney did for the squadron.

Now what is funny about that? The Unsaved are strange.

[Wide-Open]

Re: I Need A Rim Job. Help!

Indeed Brothers. As I pointed out before, even GOD does Rim jobs.

(OK, different Rim, but not a laughing matter either.)

Brother James, wouldn't Brother Porter risk ending up with spinnerz instead of a rim job?

[Pastor Isaac Peters]

Re: I Need A Rim Job. Help!

With little practice you can do those rim jobs yourself at home and save yourself considerable expense during these troubled Obama economic times. Once again the accumulated body of down home knowledge and wisdom of the redneck comes to the rescue.

My son-in-law does all of the mechanical work on his Miata, so I'm sure he can take care of me when I need a rim job.

[Brother Harold Porter]

Re: I Need A Rim Job. Help!

Indeed Brothers. As I pointed out before, even GOD does Rim jobs.

(OK, different Rim, but not a laughing matter either.)

Brother James, wouldn't Brother Porter risk ending up with spinnerz instead of a rim job?

A valid concern, Brother WO. When I finally get rimmed, I'm not looking for 22s with spinners and hydraulics. Just a decent and modest rim job.

Brother James, how does Jim plan to rim me?

In Christ

[James Hutchins]

Re: I Need A Rim Job. Help!

Fortunately, Jim is a good niga. He does what he is told and keeps his lips pursed. No spinning or bling from old Jim.

Once he has a firm grip on your rim, he lubes it up real good to prevent scratching or gouging. Then he pops the bead on your rim and works it with his fingers until the stiff carcass is freed. Then he re-lubes your rim, holding it in his bony hands and pops it back on. One final squeeze and with gushing relief, the bead is on your glistening rim. He'll put some spittle all abound your rim to ensure he did not miss anything and check for dripping leaks.

Everyone who has a rim job by Jim raves about it. It almost seems like people come by just to see him work it. All the plantation kids bring their bikes as they loving being rimmed by him, he is very gentle with their little rims. It is so cute, seeing their eyes go wide as they get rimmed by Jim for the first of many times.

He is such a good worker, I have thought about getting new teeth for him as a gift but I think they would go to his head and he'd fail to pay attention and bite down.