The Solitary Sin

[Old Man Hatchet]

Gentlemen, while performing my routine Neighborhood Sin Inspection©*, I was mortified to discover a young man vigorously gratifying himself to a J.C. Penney catalog. That it was a home furnishings catalog is not only disturbing but irrelevant--it doesn't matter what one tugs one's tallywacker to, because flogging one's dong is a grave enough sin in itself.

Why? Because it's gay. That's right, gay. A pecker is a pecker. It doesn't matter if it's your own. So quit jackin' the beanstalk, fellas. FACT: Lance Bass used to be straight before compulsively squeezing the cream from his Twinkie.

BEFORE


AFTER


So only touch your Johnson when urinating, guys. I personally put on a pair of industrial work gloves before doing so. They keep me from touching Hatchet Jr. and make me feel pretty darn rugged.




*Copyright 1978, Hatchet Enterprises. Neighborhood Sin Inspection (NSI) involves peering through windows, forcibly entering neighbors' houses, rummaging through their personal belongings, and helping myself to a tasty snack. NSI is not to be confused with breaking and entering, trespassing, and/or stalking.

[SUV]

Re: Diddling One's Self

Let me, once again, be the very first of the Ladies to say, I wasn't in here!

Also: I suppose using the J.C. Penney catalog beats (no pun intended) the Field & Stream that Moe uses.
This loathsome practice has given him a somewhat duck-like appearance, for some reason:



Do you suppose my own Dear Husband, Snottyduck.......? Jesus! NO!

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Re: Diddling One's Self

All True Christians™ know that if a boy touches himself, even in the shower, he is a homersexural. So just shut up about it and accept the fact that you are going to burn in HELL FOR ALL ETERNITY! "Fantasizing" about the "body parts" of female sluts is never an excuse! Since a boy is touching a male unmentionable member, that makes him HOMERSEXURAL! End of story!!

....From a lecture I often heard delivered by my late father, Pastor Lamentations Flint.

[Nobar King]

Re: Diddling One's Self

That's why I always sleep in long underwear and leave the window open. *(You wanted to know that, didn't you.)

[Mr. Jingles]

Re: Diddling One's Self

Touching one's private parts for ANY reason will result in damnation-the Lord hates an unrepentant masturbator.

[Daisy Mae Johnson]

Re: Diddling One's Self

At first (after potty training) I would not let Tater touch his when he went which resulted in sprayed walls and everything else .... so now I make him sit down.

Helpful, Sister Thumper

[Bob4God]

Re: Diddling One's Self

Oh dear, this is indeed a grave transgression against nature.

Tell me, how old was this sinful young man? Was he entirely naked? Both hands or just one? What was his skin and hair like? (You can often tell how much somebody abuses themselves by the appearance of their hair and skin.)

These details will allow me to more accurately tailor my prayers for this poor, addicted, albeit virile, young man.

I hope he is able to overcome this spurt of evil in his life, before he becomes a dirty homo. Fortunately, I evaded that fate, as the last time I touched "myself" was when I was 11.

[Ebenezer Wright]

Re: Diddling One's Self

Playing with oneself is not only hated by the Lord, but I hear it also causes blindness!!

[Vayhr of the Warhost]

Re: Diddling One's Self

....From a lecture I often heard delivered by my late father, Pastor Lamentations Flint.

Lamentations????

!!!LOL!!!

I bet he got his ass kicked all throughout his childhood, huh? Wouldn't surprise me if he continued to get his ass kicked well into adulthood with a name like that.

So what bet did you mother lose to end up with a guy named Lamentations?

[WilliamJenningsBryan]

Re: Diddling One's Self

.....
So only touch your Johnson when urinating, guys. I personally put on a pair of industrial work gloves before doing so. They keep me from touching Hatchet Jr. and make me feel pretty darn rugged.
.....

Amen Brother Hatchet, if you shake it more than once during these activities you are playing with it.

[papparat]

Re: Diddling One's Self

1Sam.19

1. [9] And the evil spirit from the LORD was upon Saul, as he sat in his house with his javelin in his hand: and David played with his hand.

[Old Iron Crotch]

Re: The Solitary Sin

*Copyright 1978, Hatchet Enterprises. Neighborhood Sin Inspection (NSI) involves peering through windows, forcibly entering neighbors' houses, rummaging through their personal belongings, and helping myself to a tasty snack. NSI is not to be confused with breaking and entering, trespassing, and/or stalking.

Breaking and entering, trespassing, and stalking is EXACTLY what you're doing.
And I'll bet you bring your industrial penis-touching gloves with you in case you happen to spot one of the ladies undressing while peeping through her window.

[Deaner]

Re: The Solitary Sin

And I'll bet you bring your industrial penis-touching gloves with you in case you happen to spot one of the ladies undressing while peeping through her window.

Wrong again sinner. Everything gets videotaped and sent to the Pastor Review Board to see if further action is required. If you would learn to keep your fat mouth shut you might get off moderation.

[Old Man Hatchet]

Re: The Solitary Sin

Breaking and entering, trespassing, and stalking is EXACTLY what you're doing.
And I'll bet you bring your industrial penis-touching gloves with you in case you happen to spot one of the ladies undressing while peeping through her window.

If I witness a woman in a state of undress while performing NSI©, I beat her for being a disgusting harlot who flaunts herself in the privacy of her own home. She should have the foresight to know that I am going to be gawking through her window or hiding in her closet.

[Bobby-Joe]

Re: The Solitary Sin

I am so careful about avoiding self pollution I have one of my maids on my staff take care of the actually mechanics of handling my tallywacker when I need to use the restroom. That way nothing depraved happens.