The Mattress Mambo and You

[Old Man Hatchet]

God is always watching you. Always. When copulating with your wife, be certain to keep it as clean as possible. You are, after all, forcing God to watch porn. Your tallywacker belongs in your wife's cooter. Do not put it anywhere else. Make sure you're doing it missionary style and cover up as much as possible. I like to wear a Cosby sweater and long johns.



Keep the dialogue crisp and entertaining. No pizza delivery guy or naughty nurse scenarios. These are porn clichés. God's sick of them. Also, get it over with as soon as possible. God's a busy Supreme Being. A commercial break during Matlock should provide you with ample time to create a Christian.

So be mindful of God's presence when parting the Pink Sea, guys. Also, be mindful of my presence. I'll be watching through your bedroom window to make sure you are doing it right. Praise Jesus.

[Old Iron Crotch]

Re: The Mattress Mambo and You

We have a large cactus planted outside our bedroom window to discourage perverts.

[Nobar King]

Re: The Mattress Mambo and You

You get a lot of perverts around there? Or is your garden just a nasty barrier between you and the real world?

[Old Iron Crotch]

Re: The Mattress Mambo and You

You get a lot of perverts around there? Or is your garden just a nasty barrier between you and the real world?

There aren't any that I specifically know of, but with people like Hatchet running around loose, you can't be too careful.

[Bobby-Joe]

Re: The Mattress Mambo and You

There aren't any that I specifically know of, but with people like Hatchet running around loose, you can't be too careful.

People watching your pathetic mockery of a heterosexual relationship is the lest thing you should be worried about it harlot! If you had any shame in you would be proud of what happens in your bed room sinner!

[Old Iron Crotch]

Re: The Mattress Mambo and You

People watching your pathetic mockery of a heterosexual relationship is the lest thing you should be worried about it harlot! If you had any shame in you would be proud of what happens in your bed room sinner!

I am not ashamed of my relationship with my husband or of anything we do in bed. That doesn't mean that I want pervs like Hatchet videotaping it for their own amusement.

[Bobby-Joe]

Re: The Mattress Mambo and You

I am not ashamed of my relationship with my husband or of anything we do in bed. That doesn't mean that I want pervs like Hatchet videotaping it for their own amusement.

What makes you think Brother Hatchet would be amused the spectacle of some woman fornicating? Christian men are not like your pagan girly-men. We don’t do homosexual things like polluting ourselves over naked women!

[Old Iron Crotch]

Re: The Mattress Mambo and You

What makes you think Brother Hatchet would be amused the spectacle of some woman fornicating? Christian men are not like your pagan girly-men. We don’t do homosexual things like polluting ourselves over naked women!

Right - you only watch porn for "research" purposes.

[Bobby-Joe]

Re: The Mattress Mambo and You

Right - you only watch porn for "research" purposes.

Haven't you read anything; we are watching just for the public moral good.

[Old Iron Crotch]

Re: The Mattress Mambo and You

Haven't you read anything; we are watching just for the public moral good.

Sure you are. And the moon is made of green cheese.

[Brother Enoch]

Re: The Mattress Mambo and You

Sure you are. And the moon is made of green cheese.

Lumpy, lumpy, lumpy. You've been here more than a year without learning a thing! How is that possible? At least you provide us with solace in the knowledge that unsaved trash will never be a real threat to the Godfearing of America. Since you have the cognitive abilities of a retarded 3 year old after a binge huffing session, its unlikely you'll ever gather the wherewithall to mount an effective resistance to God's Plan. Hell, you probably don't have the wherewithall to haul your unclean carcass out of the gutter when you wake in the morning.

Sad, man, really. Be thankful you don't own a mirror.

[Bobby-Joe]

Re: The Mattress Mambo and You

Sure you are. And the moon is made of green cheese.

What makes you think I enjoy looking at naked women?

[Pastor Isaac Peters]

Re: The Mattress Mambo and You

Sure you are. And the moon is made of green cheese.

Missy, you need to show a little more gratitude for all of the sacrifices that Landover's senior pastors make to protect the spiritual welfare of their fellow human beings.

[Old Iron Crotch]

Re: The Mattress Mambo and You

Lumpy, lumpy, lumpy. You've been here more than a year without learning a thing! How is that possible? At least you provide us with solace in the knowledge that unsaved trash will never be a real threat to the Godfearing of America. Since you have the cognitive abilities of a retarded 3 year old after a binge huffing session, its unlikely you'll ever gather the wherewithall to mount an effective resistance to God's Plan. Hell, you probably don't have the wherewithall to haul your unclean carcass out of the gutter when you wake in the morning.

Sad, man, really. Be thankful you don't own a mirror.

I've been able to resist whatever plans your god may have for me so far - not that I've seen any real evidence that said plans exist.

I don't live in the gutter - I have a lovely three-bedroom house with fruit trees, flower beds and a vegetable garden.

I'm not a man.

I own several mirrors, and am able to look the woman in every one of them in the eye every day.

[Brother_Percy]

Re: The Mattress Mambo and You

We have a large cactus planted outside our bedroom window to discourage perverts.

Lady, there should be a 40-ft-tall Warning Sign planted outside your house! Like any Christian, I have the greatest contempt for perverts. But I wouldn't wish such a depraved spectacle even on them.

My worries are that your nudey sicko Skyclad rituals you practice in the woods are stumbled upon by children. The poor things would be scarred for life!