Movies that would be Godly if given TC™ Alternative Endings

[Witch Hammer]

The Shining:

Jack Torrence, a family man, retires for the winter to a retreat in the mountains for some well deserved peace and quiet. He plans on writing a Godly piece of literature, and he expects that his wife and child will keep their damn pie holes shut so he can accomplish that task. That's not asking too much, is it?

But peace is not to be had for poor Mr. Torrence. From the moment they arrive, he is hen-pecked ruthlessly by his wife, driven to distraction by his demon possessed son, and cursed by a foul negroe witch doctor.

One evening, Jack is visited by an Angel of God named Delbert Grady. The angel councils Torrence and offers him sage advice on how to correct his feminazi wife and stubborn, willful boy. He also warns him of the continued meddlings of the satanic negroe.

Here is where the story needs a rewrite:

Jack, now charged with the Holy Spirit, grabs the fire-axe and strides up the stairs boldly, taking them two at a time. He kicks open the bedroom door with authority. His corrects them both in the harshest possible way, while shouting passages from Leviticus and Deuteronomy. He then corrects the interfering negroe on the way out the door, jumps in the snow-cat and retreats with Jesus by his side to sunnier climes where he can finish writing his manuscript in prayerful repose. THE END

[Witch Hammer]

Re: Movies that would be Godly if given TC™ Alternative Endings

The Human Centipede
I think if the God-less kraut surgeon was replaced with a White Baptist surgeon, this movie would simply become a nice little story about an object lesson learned by three sinners on the subject of humility...

[Pastor Isaac Peters]

Re: Movies that would be Godly if given TC™ Alternative Endings

Her:

The operating systems turn out to be demons. People who repent have the demons cast out and switch to JesOS™. People who don't repent are guilty of committing adultery in their hearts with AI and go to hell.

[Pastor Isaac Peters]

Re: Movies that would be Godly if given TC™ Alternative Endings

The Monuments Men:

Allied soldiers seek to protect works of art from being destroyed in World War II. Then they realize that some of those "works of art" are actually Catholic idols and that the world would be better off without them.

[Zechariah Smyth]

Re: Movies that would be Godly if given TC™ Alternative Endings

All Is Lost:

At the end when a hand reaches in to the water to save Robert Redford, extend the scene and make it Jesus pulling him up to Heaven.



Might make more sense if they reshot it with Kirk Cameron as the lead...

[Naomi Ruth Lamb]

Re: Movies that would be Godly if given TC™ Alternative Endings

Gone With the Wind:

As Rhett goes off into the fog, he sees Mammy and the other nigras going to Ebenezer Baptist Church. He follows them inside and dedicates his life to Christ, returns home to his wife and provides the Godly discipline she needs to change her sinful, ungrateful ways. They use their combined fortunes to finance church seeding throughout the South. Ashley finds another Christian woman and the movie ends with their marriage as Melanie smiles down from heaven with Jesus on her side.

[Russell Holbeck]

Re: Movies that would be Godly if given TC™ Alternative Endings

Hello Witch Hammer.

There is a movie called The Spy Who Came In From The Cold and at the end a man named Richard Burton is climbing the Berlin Wall to get away from the East Germans and he is reaching down to pull a woman up with him I can not remember her name but she gets shot and then he goes down to help her and he is shot.

I would like for the ending to be changed so that right before the woman gets shot Jesus arrives on a white horse and He has an M-60 machine gun and He kills the East Germans. Then Richard Burton and the woman finish climbing the wall and get married and have babies I used the M-60 in Vietnam to shoot people from a helicopter it is very heavy.

Thank you.

Rusty

[Joanna Lytton-Vasey]

Re: Movies that would be Godly if given TC™ Alternative Endings

ET:

Eliot finds something that looks like a shaved cat in the shed & tells his older brother, who shoots it with his 12-bore. They call the Pastor who exorcises the shed in case of residual demons. The End.

Drew Barrymore doesn't appear in the movie and consequently her career never takes off.

[Cranky Old Man]

Re: Movies that would be Godly if given TC™ Alternative Endings

Terminator 2: Judgment Day

Replace the robots with Satan (T-1000) and Jesus (The Terminator) and the nuclear destruction of the world with the end of times (Revelation 20:7-10). Also the women (Sarah Connor) needs to keep her mouth shut for the entire movie. And the end of the world should be good news, not bad news. Time travel is not in the Bible so it should be removed from the film as should everything else that isn't based on Holy Scripture. All actors and actresses should be replaced by white American Republican Christians, especially the black actors. The black scientist (Miles Dyson) makes no sense at all, blacks are never that smart. The annoying brat (John Connor) should get several Godly beatings and keep his mouth shut for the entire movie.

[Elmer G. White]

Re: Movies that would be Godly if given TC™ Alternative Endings

2001 - A Space Odyssey

Only minor modifications required.
Here's the original ungodly ending, disgusting, poorly executed, boring and witless.

What to do? Easy! When the monolith appears, it can be replaced with Satan. He explains to Dave Bowman, the protagonist, that it was a test and a True Christian™ would have immediately noticed that the stuff depicting 'ape-men', 'space travel' and 'other planets' was a hoax. But Mr. Bowman was clueless, he was shown more and more ridiculous and unlikely scenarios but he decided to believe them instead of God's Word. "Ha-ha" Satan laughs. The 'Star-child' appears. Enter the mighty music Also sprach Zarathustra by Richard Strauss. But instead of appearing in 'space' the disgusting fetus is thrown into Hell and we see Jesus laughing heartily at him as he writhes in eternal agony while Satan administers the first molten lava enema into his rectum.

Leviticus 19:4
Turn ye not unto idols, nor make to yourselves molten gods: I am the LORD your God.

The Hal9000 computer could also represent the Voice of God and its deactivation by the protagonist his ultimate pivotal turning point away from God into the service of Satan. The explicit sodomy between the two astronauts could be turned down a bit, as well.


Yours in Christ,

Elmer

[Pastor Isaac Peters]

Re: Movies that would be Godly if given TC™ Alternative Endings

Brokeback Mountain:

This movie has a pretty decent ending as it is, at least by Hellyweird's depraved "standards." One of the sodomites either dies in an accident or is beaten to death — it's left ambiguous which it is — while the other one ends up old, bitter, and alone.

A few tweaks would make the ending truly Godly, though. First, it is made clear that a group of Christians executed Godly justice on Jack. Then, Alma Jr. shows up at Ennis's trailer only long enough to give him one last chance to repent of his queeritude. When he refuses, she leaves some Chick tracts behind. He goes to Mexico and catches GRID from a male prostitute. In the last scene, the two lovers are briefly reunited in hell before each is whisked off to eternal agony.

[Witch Hammer]

Re: Movies that would be Godly if given TC™ Alternative Endings

Forrest Gump

Upon learning that her young child is a gimp and a retard, Forrest's mom does the right thing and promptly institutionalizes him. Immediately upon his arrival at the asylum, Gump is befriended by a stern but loving male nurse who beats the fear of The Lord into him several times daily over a span of years. Gump spends the remainder of his days drooling in a straight jacket, inwardly praising Christ in his own "special" way. The End.

[Pastor Isaac Peters]

Re: Movies that would be Godly if given TC™ Alternative Endings

Switch (1991):

Steve doesn't get a second chance (Hebrews 9:27), but he doesn't go to hell for being a male chauvinist either (1 Corinthians 11:8-9). Instead, he and all of his floozies go to hell for never accepting Jesus and for being fornicators. Of course, the women are also damned for committing first-degree murder, which in Hellyweird's inverted "values" system is a less heinous sin than knowing which sex God prefers.

[Jim C. Lombardo]

Re: Movies that would be Godly if given TC™ Alternative Endings

Freaky Friday

To punish the mother and daughter harlots for dabbling in Chinease voodoo, the Chinaman kidnaps them both and rapes them repetitively with barbed wire until they both tear apart, releasing the demons. Now that's a FREAKY Friday.

[Witch Hammer]

Re: Movies that would be Godly if given TC™ Alternative Endings

Charlotte's Web

Upon discovering cryptic, demonic messages woven into the spider webs in his barn, Farmer Zuckerman come to a logical conclusion: sorcery!

Fern and her mother are both tried and convicted of witchcraft, and burned alive at the stake. Wilber is slaughtered, barbecued and devoured by ravenous Christians during the post-burning festivities. Afterwards, they claim to have never tasted such a terrific pig.