How do I deal with a homer-sexural in my own house!

[Repentant Catholic]

My teenage son has turned into an giant homer!

Now, I need to know what to do. I know the Bible says that he should be put to death, both for homosexuality but because disobedient children should be stoned to death. However, the Bible also teaches that we have to follow mans law, so I can't stone him to death.

The next option is to throw him out of my house. But I don't know if the judges will let me do that.

I also wonder if the law would let me attempt to beat the homer demons out of him?

I may need to call Betty Bowers and the BASH program. My only worry there is that it seems like it's the most merciful option and God doesn't want us to hold back on homers, does he?

What would be the best option?

[Bobby-Joe]

Re: How do I deal with a homer-sexural in my own house!

Did Jesus give up you friend? No! Beat the gay out of your son before he sins again! Time to be a man about it.

[Repentant Catholic]

Re: How do I deal with a homer-sexural in my own house!

Did Jesus give up you friend? No! Beat the gay out of your son before he sins again! Time to be a man about it.

I also fear that were I to beat him, he would like it.

Homers are messed up like that.

[James Hutchins]

Re: How do I deal with a homer-sexural in my own house!

Do you have a abandoned well in the county?

[Bobby-Joe]

Re: How do I deal with a homer-sexural in my own house!

I also fear that were I to beat him, he would like it.

Homers are messed up like that.

Fear? Fear is Satan's tool he tricks us into turning from Jesus. No friend! Your very flesh and blood is danger of damnation. Any moment our Loving Savior could have your son killed. Do what needs to be done and take the matter in hand and beat that gay demon out of your child!

[JUAN GARCIA, repulsive dago queer]

Re: How do I deal with a homer-sexural in my own house!

I'm not sure it is either cool or uncool to be homosexual. It is certainly more acceptable than 30 years ago.

Environment can cause sexual orientation in many ways.

If, for instance, you are loved and not mistreated by someone of the same sex, and are attracted to that person, it is reasonable to believe you could become homosexual, especially if the opposite sex abuses you.

Just one of the many variables that could result in homosexuality. I can't even prove that heterosexuality would be the norm without variables. I suspect it is, but I can't prove it.

Now go away or I shall taunt you a second time

[Brother Enoch]

Re: How do I deal with a homer-sexural in my own house!

I'm not sure it is either cool or uncool to be homosexual. It is certainly more acceptable than 30 years ago.

Not to God.

Environment can cause sexual orientation in many ways.

Agreed. Fags and Lezbos shouldn't be allowed to raise kids.

If, for instance, you are loved and not mistreated by someone of the same sex, and are attracted to that person, it is reasonable to believe you could become homosexual, especially if the opposite sex abuses you.

Wrong. I love my father, yet don't want to bone him.

Just one of the many variables that could result in homosexuality. I can't even prove that heterosexuality would be the norm without variables. I suspect it is, but I can't prove it.

Heterosexuality is the norm, otherwise we would not be here.

Now go away or I shall taunt you a second time

Do you have permission from Monty Python to reproduce their material without citation? Plagiarism is severely frowned upon here.

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Re: How do I deal with a homer-sexural in my own house!

My teenage son has turned into an giant homer!

Blah blah blah. You raised him a papist, so what do you expect? The boy's exit chute is probably the size of the Grand Canyon after spending all that time with the "fathers."

I'd sell it to the vatican if I were you. Get rid of it. You'll only catch the AIDS off it.

[Repentant Catholic]

Re: How do I deal with a homer-sexural in my own house!

I've decided I'm going to have to talk to some pastors and take a little time to decide exactly how to handle this specific homer. Until then, I have him chained up in the basement to prevent him from having anymore gay sex while he's down there. It would be easier for me to think if I didn't have to listen to him scream (kicking him in the head seems to quiet him down, though).

I'm seriously considering calling BASH, but I don't know enough about their program.

Do you think it would be appropriate for me to turn him into an enuch for Christ or does someone have to do that themselves for it to count?

Do you think I could trick him into getting into a straight marriage by getting some butch dyke lesbian who looks like a man to marry him? Or would that not count, either?

[ILoveTheLord6669]

Re: How do I deal with a homer-sexural in my own house!

Have your boy marry the dyke! that way they cant go around infecting anyone else with their sin!

[Hank]

Re: How do I deal with a homer-sexural in my own house!

Stone him until he repents

[James Hutchins]

Re: How do I deal with a homer-sexural in my own house!

Stone him until he repents

Finally, a sensible comment!

[crosscheck]

Re: How do I deal with a homer-sexural in my own house!

Maybe he just really liked getting touched by the pastor, now he is going to run off to have bum sex with Jesus

[yabluko]

Re: How do I deal with a homer-sexural in my own house!

Love your son as he is. He is your flesh and blood, and Jesus and the Lord love unconditionally. It is never stated in the Bible that homosexuality is a sin, either. Love thy neighbour, but also love thy son. Also it is silly to suddenly be disgusted by the same son you once loved, for a thing as natural as the color of your eyes!

[Levi Jones]

Re: How do I deal with a homer-sexural in my own house!

Oh wow.. what a train wreck of a first post. You have some strange ideas of what the Bible says, friend. That's okay. We're here to help.

Love your son as he is. He is your flesh and blood, and Jesus and the Lord love unconditionally.

Proverbs 13:24
He that spareth his rod hateth his son: but he that loveth him chasteneth him betimes.

Deuteronomy 21:18-21
If a man have a stubborn and rebellious son, which will not obey the voice of his father, or the voice of his mother, and that, when they have chastened him, will not hearken unto them: Then shall his father and his mother lay hold on him, and bring him out unto the elders of his city, and unto the gate of his place;
And they shall say unto the elders of his city, This our son is stubborn and rebellious, he will not obey our voice; he is a glutton, and a drunkard.
And all the men of his city shall stone him with stones, that he die: so shalt thou put evil away from among you; and all Israel shall hear, and fear.

Proverbs 6
These six things doth the LORD hate: yea, seven are an abomination unto him: A proud look, a lying tongue, and hands that shed innocent blood,
An heart that deviseth wicked imaginations, feet that be swift in running to mischief,
A false witness that speaketh lies, and he that soweth discord among brethren.

It is never stated in the Bible that homosexuality is a sin, either.

Leviticus 18:22
Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind: it is abomination.

Leviticus 20:13
If a man also lie with mankind, as he lieth with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination: they shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them.

Romans 1:26-27, 32
For this cause God gave them up unto vile affections: for even their women did change the natural use into that which is against nature: And likewise also the men, leaving the natural use of the woman, burned in their lust one toward another; men with men working that which is unseemly, and receiving in themselves that recompence of their error which was meet.
Who knowing the judgment of God, that they which commit such things are worthy of death, not only do the same, but have pleasure in them that do them.

1 Corinthians 6:9
Know ye not that the unrighteous shall not inherit the kingdom of God? Be not deceived: neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor effeminate, nor abusers of themselves with mankind,

1 Timothy 1:8-10
But we know that the law is good, if a man use it lawfully; Knowing this, that the law is not made for a righteous man, but for the lawless and disobedient, for the ungodly and for sinners, for unholy and profane, for murderers of fathers and murderers of mothers, for manslayers,
For whoremongers, for them that defile themselves with mankind, for menstealers, for liars, for perjured persons, and if there be any other thing that is contrary to sound doctrine;

Love thy neighbour, but also love thy son.

I'm not familiar with this Verse. Maybe you can point it out to me.

Also it is silly to suddenly be disgusted by the same son you once loved, for a thing as natural as the color of your eyes!

Homosexuality is as natural as eye color? The Holy Bible would disagree with you, QED.