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  • #1

    Jesus has led me to heterosexuality! Praise!

    It's true. After talking with some of the pastors at Landover and deciding I wanted to get my life with God, I chose to enter into the BASH program. Right now, they're giving me a temporary pass to let you all know how I'm doing.

    I think I turned gay as a punishment to my parents because they weren't Christians themselves. That's okay; God will get back at them for that when they're spending eternity roasting in hell.
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  • #2
    Re: Jesus has led me to heterosexuality! Praise!

    Well praise Jesus! That is good news!

    Have you told your bulldyke "wife" yet?
    Who Will Jesus Damn?

    Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:

    Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)

    Need Pastoral Advice? Contact me privately at PastorEzekiel@landoverbaptist.net TODAY!!

    Comment

    • #3
      Re: Jesus has led me to heterosexuality! Praise!

      Originally posted by Pastor Ezekiel View Post
      Well praise Jesus! That is good news!

      Have you told your bulldyke "wife" yet?
      No. She wasn't allowed into the BASH program because she didn't repent. I think she ran off with some cheerleader or something. I don't keep track of hellbound lesbians anymore.

      Comment

      • #4
        Re: Jesus has led me to heterosexuality! Praise!

        Shout Glory to the Heavens, another Hell bound sinner has found Sweet Jesus. Tell us when will you find a good Christian man and start popping out children?

        Comment

        • #5
          Re: Jesus has led me to heterosexuality! Praise!

          That is SUPER good news that you don't want to be a disgusting dyke anymore!

          I know this is kinda personal and you don't have to tell me if you don't want to, but I heard that lesbos put all sorts of weird and HUGE things "up" each other.

          So are you gonna be able to have a baby when you find a husband, or are your lady parts all wrecked from having all sorts of stuff "up" you? I hope not, because babies are just the CUTEST things!!!


          Tammi


          Girls, do you have embarrassing "problems" with your down there parts like I used to?           Reverend Jim Osborne can help!


          sigpic

          He is the Rock, his work is perfect: for all his ways are judgment: a God of truth and without iniquity, just and right is he. Deuteronomy 32-4

          Comment

          • #6
            Re: Jesus has led me to heterosexuality! Praise!

            Originally posted by TheLordSavedMe View Post
            I know this is kinda personal and you don't have to tell me if you don't want to, but I heard that lesbos put all sorts of weird and HUGE things "up" each other.
            Yes, but I've been advised that only True Christian™ men have the fortitude to hear the details. It's enough to say I am now very careful about what vegetables I use (who knows where they've been?).

            Originally posted by James Dewitt
            Shout Glory to the Heavens, another Hell bound sinner has found Sweet Jesus. Tell us when will you find a good Christian man and start popping out children?
            It's been decided that I first need to learn how to properly serve a True Christian™ man. BASH has been teaching me to to cook and clean and take a beating like a True Christian™ should. I can already bake the best cherry pie in class! Right now, they just want to test me, outside the BASH program to make sure I don't backslide, but with Jesus on my side I no longer want evil, sinful, lesbian sex anymore!

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            • #7
              Re: Jesus has led me to heterosexuality! Praise!

              Absolutely wonderful news.

              But to avoid backsliding, you may want to change your avatar, it's rather disturbing.
              Drama queen

              Comment

              • #8
                Re: Jesus has led me to heterosexuality! Praise!

                Originally posted by Spaghetti Monster View Post
                It's been decided that I first need to learn how to properly serve a True Christian™ man. BASH has been teaching me to to cook and clean and take a beating like a True Christian™ should. I can already bake the best cherry pie in class! Right now, they just want to test me, outside the BASH program to make sure I don't backslide, but with Jesus on my side I no longer want evil, sinful, lesbian sex anymore!
                Somehow I do not entirely believe all this yet, but I have to say I like the sound of it. I hope you are sincere and I will pray you will succeed in becoming free of sin.

                It's enough to say I am now very careful about what vegetables I use (who knows where they've been?).
                You should not use vegetables at all. All you need for food is meat, preferable freshly killed.

                Genesis 9:3 "Every moving thing that liveth, shall be meat for you."

                Genesis 1:27-28                 "So God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him; male and female created he them. And God blessed them, and God said unto them, Be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth, and subdue it: and have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over every living thing that moveth upon the earth"

                Romans 14:2                 "For one believeth that he may eat all things: another, who is weak, eateth herbs."
                5 Reasons why GOD HATES WOMEN!
                To most "Christians" The Bible is like a license agreement. They just scroll to the bottom and click "I agree". All those "Christians" will burn in Hell!
                James 2:10 "For whosoever shall keep the whole law, and yet offend in one point, he is guilty of all."

                Comment

                • #9
                  Re: Jesus has led me to heterosexuality! Praise!

                  Originally posted by Spaghetti Monster View Post
                  Right now, they just want to test me, outside the BASH program to make sure I don't backslide, but with Jesus on my side I no longer want evil, sinful, lesbian sex anymore!

                  Part of the challenge you will face in redirecting your "interest" is that True Christion women have no interest in sex at all. So, determining that you are properly interested in men can be difficult since you are not supposed to be indulging in lust.

                  Do what I do, fantasize about holding Dennis Quaid's hand. Sometime I fantasize about holding Kenneth Branagh's hand, but he is not an American so I feel guilty afterwards.

                  If the thought of holding a handsome man's hand brings a little tingle to your naughty parts, then you are cured of your lesbian leanings. Stop thinking about holding hands immediately after receiving this confirmation! Take a cold shower and then read aloud several verses of your KJV Bible. You don't want to be led down the path of lust.

                  May Jesus bless you with a submissive heart and a mind blank but for thoughts of heaven.

                  Encouragingly Yours,

                  Handmaiden

                  p.s. It has beeen my experience that I am very attractive to lesbians, so I think that it best if we never meet.
                  His left hand should be under my head, and his right hand should embrace me.

                  Guns For God and the Economy

                  Comment

                  • #10
                    Re: Jesus has led me to heterosexuality! Praise!

                    Originally posted by Spaghetti Monster View Post
                    It's enough to say I am now very careful about what vegetables I use (who knows where they've been?)
                    Only the ungodly eat vegetables anyway.
                    2 Chronicles 7:14
                    14 If my people, which are called by my name, shall humble themselves, and pray, and seek my face, and turn from their wicked ways; then will I hear from heaven, and will forgive their sin, and will heal their land Australia.

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                    • #11
                      Re: Jesus has led me to heterosexuality! Praise!

                      Being a Homosexual and a vegetarian, I now realize that I am heading straight to hell to burn in the eternal fire. On top of that - I'm danish.

                      How the hell do i get out?
                      "To them who by patient continuance in well doing seek for glory and honour and immortality, eternal life:
                      But unto them that are contentious, and do not obey the truth, but obey unrighteousness, indignation and wrath" Rom 2:7-8

                      Comment

                      • #12
                        Re: Jesus has led me to heterosexuality! Praise!

                        @ChrisCake Welcome! I hope we can be friends!

                        Since you are new here please look at our please read this before posting and our your rights on this forum threads! If you already did that, just do it again. There you can learn that this forum is not about debating or unsaved opinions but about praising Jesus!

                        If you didn't do that yet, it would be great if you could make a thread of your own in the introductions section of the forum! That way everyone here can meet you and see how much you love Jesus!
                        I Jesus!

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                        • #13
                          Re: Jesus has led me to heterosexuality! Praise!

                          Praise the Lord!! Maybe now, after going public with your cure, the stoopid scientists and psychologists and academics will put an end to the blasphemous "research" trying to tie homersexurality to "natural" causes. You have been cured through Jesus and Landover Baptist Church--- end of story!!

                          Comment

                          • #14
                            Re: Jesus has led me to heterosexuality! Praise!

                            I hope that you have removed all those vile sex toys and the home movies that your type are famous for. If not, contact one of the Pastors and they will tell you how to properly dispose of them so you do not accidentally infect some young innocent.The flannel shirts have got to go too.
                            sigpic 1 Chronicles 16:15
                            Be ye mindful always of his covenant; the word which he commanded to a thousand generations ... an everlasting covenant.
                            Proverbs 30:5,6: Every word of God is pure: he is a shield unto them that put their trust in him.
                            Add thou not unto his words, lest he reprove thee, and thou be found a liar.

                            Comment

                            • #15
                              Re: Jesus has led me to heterosexuality! Praise!

                              Originally posted by ChrisCake View Post
                              Being a Homosexual and a vegetarian, I now realize that I am heading straight to hell to burn in the eternal fire. On top of that - I'm danish.

                              How the hell do i get out?
                              I'm not shocked or surprised to hear that you admit to these two sins, because they in fact often are committed in tandem, and Jesus is deeply offended by them. I'll bet you enjoy committing bestiality and spitting on the American flag as well.

                              Please read THIS and then repent of your depraved lifestyle.
                              Who Will Jesus Damn?

                              Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:

                              Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)

                              Need Pastoral Advice? Contact me privately at PastorEzekiel@landoverbaptist.net TODAY!!

                              Comment

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