Jesus has led me to heterosexuality! Praise!

[Spaghetti Monster]

It's true. After talking with some of the pastors at Landover and deciding I wanted to get my life with God, I chose to enter into the BASH program. Right now, they're giving me a temporary pass to let you all know how I'm doing.

I think I turned gay as a punishment to my parents because they weren't Christians themselves. That's okay; God will get back at them for that when they're spending eternity roasting in hell.

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Re: Jesus has led me to heterosexuality! Praise!

Well praise Jesus! That is good news!

Have you told your bulldyke "wife" yet?

[Spaghetti Monster]

Re: Jesus has led me to heterosexuality! Praise!

Well praise Jesus! That is good news!

Have you told your bulldyke "wife" yet?

No. She wasn't allowed into the BASH program because she didn't repent. I think she ran off with some cheerleader or something. I don't keep track of hellbound lesbians anymore.

[James Dewitt]

Re: Jesus has led me to heterosexuality! Praise!

Shout Glory to the Heavens, another Hell bound sinner has found Sweet Jesus. Tell us when will you find a good Christian man and start popping out children?

[TheLordSavedMe]

Re: Jesus has led me to heterosexuality! Praise!

That is SUPER good news that you don't want to be a disgusting dyke anymore!

I know this is kinda personal and you don't have to tell me if you don't want to, but I heard that lesbos put all sorts of weird and HUGE things "up" each other.

So are you gonna be able to have a baby when you find a husband, or are your lady parts all wrecked from having all sorts of stuff "up" you? I hope not, because babies are just the CUTEST things!!!


Tammi

[Spaghetti Monster]

Re: Jesus has led me to heterosexuality! Praise!

I know this is kinda personal and you don't have to tell me if you don't want to, but I heard that lesbos put all sorts of weird and HUGE things "up" each other.

Yes, but I've been advised that only True Christian™ men have the fortitude to hear the details. It's enough to say I am now very careful about what vegetables I use (who knows where they've been?).

Shout Glory to the Heavens, another Hell bound sinner has found Sweet Jesus. Tell us when will you find a good Christian man and start popping out children?

It's been decided that I first need to learn how to properly serve a True Christian™ man. BASH has been teaching me to to cook and clean and take a beating like a True Christian™ should. I can already bake the best cherry pie in class! Right now, they just want to test me, outside the BASH program to make sure I don't backslide, but with Jesus on my side I no longer want evil, sinful, lesbian sex anymore!

[BelieverInGod]

Re: Jesus has led me to heterosexuality! Praise!

Absolutely wonderful news.

But to avoid backsliding, you may want to change your avatar, it's rather disturbing.

[Cranky Old Man]

Re: Jesus has led me to heterosexuality! Praise!

It's been decided that I first need to learn how to properly serve a True Christian™ man. BASH has been teaching me to to cook and clean and take a beating like a True Christian™ should. I can already bake the best cherry pie in class! Right now, they just want to test me, outside the BASH program to make sure I don't backslide, but with Jesus on my side I no longer want evil, sinful, lesbian sex anymore!

Somehow I do not entirely believe all this yet, but I have to say I like the sound of it. I hope you are sincere and I will pray you will succeed in becoming free of sin.

It's enough to say I am now very careful about what vegetables I use (who knows where they've been?).

You should not use vegetables at all. All you need for food is meat, preferable freshly killed.

Genesis 9:3 "Every moving thing that liveth, shall be meat for you."

Genesis 1:27-28 "So God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him; male and female created he them. And God blessed them, and God said unto them, Be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth, and subdue it: and have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over every living thing that moveth upon the earth"

Romans 14:2 "For one believeth that he may eat all things: another, who is weak, eateth herbs."

[handmaiden]

Re: Jesus has led me to heterosexuality! Praise!

Right now, they just want to test me, outside the BASH program to make sure I don't backslide, but with Jesus on my side I no longer want evil, sinful, lesbian sex anymore!

Part of the challenge you will face in redirecting your "interest" is that True Christion women have no interest in sex at all. So, determining that you are properly interested in men can be difficult since you are not supposed to be indulging in lust.

Do what I do, fantasize about holding Dennis Quaid's hand. Sometime I fantasize about holding Kenneth Branagh's hand, but he is not an American so I feel guilty afterwards.

If the thought of holding a handsome man's hand brings a little tingle to your naughty parts, then you are cured of your lesbian leanings. Stop thinking about holding hands immediately after receiving this confirmation! Take a cold shower and then read aloud several verses of your KJV Bible. You don't want to be led down the path of lust.

May Jesus bless you with a submissive heart and a mind blank but for thoughts of heaven.

Encouragingly Yours,

Handmaiden

p.s. It has beeen my experience that I am very attractive to lesbians, so I think that it best if we never meet.

[Sister Charli]

Re: Jesus has led me to heterosexuality! Praise!

It's enough to say I am now very careful about what vegetables I use (who knows where they've been?)

Only the ungodly eat vegetables anyway.

[ChrisCake]

Re: Jesus has led me to heterosexuality! Praise!

Being a Homosexual and a vegetarian, I now realize that I am heading straight to hell to burn in the eternal fire. On top of that - I'm danish.

How the hell do i get out?

[Felicity]

Re: Jesus has led me to heterosexuality! Praise!

@ChrisCake Welcome! I hope we can be friends!

Since you are new here please look at our please read this before posting and our your rights on this forum threads! If you already did that, just do it again. There you can learn that this forum is not about debating or unsaved opinions but about praising Jesus!

If you didn't do that yet, it would be great if you could make a thread of your own in the introductions section of the forum! That way everyone here can meet you and see how much you love Jesus!

[H. Montague Worthington]

Re: Jesus has led me to heterosexuality! Praise!

Praise the Lord!! Maybe now, after going public with your cure, the stoopid scientists and psychologists and academics will put an end to the blasphemous "research" trying to tie homersexurality to "natural" causes. You have been cured through Jesus and Landover Baptist Church--- end of story!!

[Benedict A. Davis]

Re: Jesus has led me to heterosexuality! Praise!

I hope that you have removed all those vile sex toys and the home movies that your type are famous for. If not, contact one of the Pastors and they will tell you how to properly dispose of them so you do not accidentally infect some young innocent.The flannel shirts have got to go too.

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Re: Jesus has led me to heterosexuality! Praise!

Being a Homosexual and a vegetarian, I now realize that I am heading straight to hell to burn in the eternal fire. On top of that - I'm danish.

How the hell do i get out?

I'm not shocked or surprised to hear that you admit to these two sins, because they in fact often are committed in tandem, and Jesus is deeply offended by them. I'll bet you enjoy committing bestiality and spitting on the American flag as well.

Please read THIS and then repent of your depraved lifestyle.