Hi... I wanna be saved.

**John Creeser** · 08-14-2015, 10:45 PM

Re: Hi... I wanna be saved.

Hi Fred,

Well you have come to the right place. You can start here on your path to Salvation(r).

**Mary Etheldreda** · 08-14-2015, 10:59 PM

Re: Hi... I wanna be saved.

Originally posted by Fred Hall View Post

So please help me. I am lost... but God sent me over here to be saved. What do I need to do next?

Welcome to our friendly forums, Fred! That was a riveting testimony! It gave me goose pimples all up and down my spine! If I were you, I'd contact Cookie in the office and set up a generous tithing program. We can work through your bank or directly with your employer, whatever is easier. You won't be disappointed, God promises!

Every man according as he purposeth in his heart, so let him give;
not grudgingly, or of necessity: for God loveth a cheerful giver.
2 Corinthians 9:7

Thou shalt surely give him, and thine heart shall not be grieved when thou givest unto him:
because that for this thing the LORD thy God shall bless thee in all thy works, and in all that thou puttest thine hand unto.
Deuteronomy 15:10

Will a man rob God? Yet ye have robbed me. But ye say,
Wherein have we robbed thee?
In tithes and offerings.
Malachi 3:8

Honour the Lord with thy substance, and with the firstfruits of all thine increase
Proverbs 3:9

Bring ye all the tithes into the storehouse, that there may be meat in mine house, and prove me now herewith, saith the Lord of hosts,
if I will not open you the windows of heaven, and pour you out a blessing, that there shall not be room enough to receive it.
Malachi 3:10

**Fred Hall** · 08-14-2015, 11:11 PM

Re: Hi... I wanna be saved.

Thanks John and Mary!

John, I see that the thread you pointed to me was originally titled "Sticky:" in the main introduction forums.

I was scared to click on it, since it was titled 'sticky', I thought that might of had something to do with homers and the sort of sick sticky things they do with eachother... can never be too sure. (just trying to be cautious like a serpent as Matt 10:16 said I must be). But now I realize that it simply means that the thread stays on the top of the forums. Thanks for the link... I'll definitely submit to all of it.

And thanks Mary, I am making out a check right now for a tenth of my income, and will get in contact with Cookie right away.

**Alvin Moss** · 08-14-2015, 11:27 PM

Re: Hi... I wanna be saved.

Originally posted by Fred Hall View Post

Hi all,

My name is Fred Hall. I am currently a filthy heathen, brought up in a heathen family. I come from a small town in West Virginia. I am not a member of any church... but I want to change that.

See... being a filthy heathen and all, I lived a life full of gluttony and sin... having sex with whores and sometimes even with the farm animals (yes, I am ashamed, but im here to confess my sins upon the righteous).

Anyways, yesterday, being downtrodden with sin and all, I thought I would try something that I've never tried before... and that was prayer. So I started praying:

"God... if you're really up there... I am a lost soul. I need your help, cause I'm scared I'm gonna end up burning in hell for all my sins. My life is crap right now... I don't know where else to turn. I'm sorry for all the bad things I've done, and for voting for the Democrat party. Please send me to your TRUE believers, and teach me the your ways. I am willing to be your follower. Please help me God, as I want to become a True Christian...., in Jesus name, Amen"

Lo and behold... just now, while I'm sitting on the toilet, I typed into google: "True Christian", and it brought me right here!!! I started reading some of the articles, and found that I agree with them 100% ! I know this is God's answer to my prayer! Even though I'm a filthy heathen and all, God still had mercy on my soul... seeing that I'm not a homo, or a black, or anything disgusting like that.

So please help me. I am lost... but God sent me over here to be saved. What do I need to do next?

Welcome Fred and rejoice! Salvation is at hand. The rules are simple. You must reject your life of sin and come to Jesus. Through Jesus, you must be born again. After that, you must live a life in service to the Lord God. Follow the instructions in God's book and no backsliding. You will suffer many indignities in His service, but you must persevere. Your reward will be Heaven and everlasting life with Jesus.

**Brother Harold Porter** · 08-14-2015, 11:27 PM

Re: Hi... I wanna be saved.

Originally posted by Fred Hall View Post

having sex with sometimes even with the farm animals.... seeing that I'm not a homo...

Well young man, this needs some further explanation and clarity. You DO realize that in God's eyes there is not a lick of difference between the filthy and reprehensible sins?

Leviticus 20:13 "If a man also lie with mankind, as he lieth with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination: they shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them."

Leviticus 20:15 "And if a man lie with a beast, he shall surely be put to death: and ye shall slay the beast."

You see Fred, it doesn't matter if you violently sodomized a sheep, or rectally assaulted an innocent man. In either case, the second you sank your man flesh into the orifices of either beast or man, God hated you, and called for the death of all parties involved.

Have you asked God to forgive the wickedness? How do you control your unnatural urges, to avoid rectal recidivism? We can help if you are honest with us, and more importantly, yourself.

In Him

**Fred Hall** · 08-14-2015, 11:40 PM

Re: Hi... I wanna be saved.

Umm... yes Brother Harold, I did ask God for forgiveness of my sick persuasions. That is why I believe he's led me to come here.

That said, it was a female sheep (a "Ewe) and not a male sheep that I had sex with... I made sure of that. I know in the eyes of the Lord that doing that would be the same thing as if I had stuck my wiener into a flaming homo afghani terrist.... or sacrificing a cow with damaged testicles to him (Leviticus 22:24) The end result of all sin is death. Yet, I somehow felt a slight comfort that I didn't have sex with a homo sheep, even though I know in the end it makes no difference in God's eyes.

I do hope the Lord will forgive me though. Since I have been on my journey to seek God, I haven't buggered any animals yet... so that is a start. And just so I don't fall into temptation again, I'm gonna go out right now with my winchester 30-30 and shoot all my neighbor's sheep while he is away.... by accident of course.

**James Hutchins** · 08-15-2015, 12:18 AM

Re: Hi... I wanna be saved.

Welcome Mr. Hall. May I call you Frederick? Wonderful!

Frederick, how much do you want to become Saved(r)? What can you do and give to prove your sincerity? God gets many requests and billions that beg for His Love. As everyone knows, you need to stand out from the UnSaved crowd.
True Salvation(tm), you cannot put a price on it but you can try. Give to this Church and God and let Him know you are serious.

**~~Tom Grant~~** · 08-15-2015, 02:11 AM

Re: Hi... I wanna be saved.

Welcome Fred, it's nice to see a heathen want to turn to our lord.

**Fred Hall** · 08-15-2015, 05:53 AM

Re: Hi... I wanna be saved.

Hi James,

I agree. That is why I'm waiting to contact Cookie so that I can start my tithing plan on my path to Salvation™.

Tom, a cautioned welcome to you too, even though you are also unsaved trash. Look, I'm not even sure I should be, or even if its worth, talking to you. Unless you're a True Christian™, then you can't help me... as you're mired in the filth of the devil, and could and probably are a homer.

**Fred Hall** · 08-15-2015, 02:10 PM

Re: Hi... I wanna be saved.

OK, I've read all that John told me to read, and I'm in the process of contacting Cookie to set up a generous tithing plan. Indeed, I do accept Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior... I want to be baptized. So where do I go to get baptized? Is there a home 'do-it-yourself' method of doing it? Or should I book a flight to go to Freehold to get baptized?

**Elmer G. White** · 08-15-2015, 03:28 PM

Re: Hi... I wanna be saved.

Originally posted by Fred Hall View Post

OK, I've read all that John told me to read, and I'm in the process of contacting Cookie to set up a generous tithing plan. Indeed, I do accept Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior... I want to be baptized. So where do I go to get baptized? Is there a home 'do-it-yourself' method of doing it? Or should I book a flight to go to Freehold to get baptized?

Dear Friend, we have seen too many initially friendly people turn out to be catholics or agnostics in disguise. Thus, we have to be careful. You are at the moment under investigation.

Matthew 20:16
So the last shall be first, and the first last: for many be called, but few chosen.

Your scrutiny has just begun. If the investigation shows you to be persistent, pious, perfect in your knowledge of Scripture, prostrate before you superiors and one with a true insight of the True Nature™ of the Bible, Jesus might invite you to join His armies fighting against the homer menace.

What can you do? Participate, learn, read our abundant and informative threads and get us to know you. I'm praying for you.

Yours in Christ,

Elmer

**BrotherLarry** · 08-15-2015, 05:18 PM

Re: Hi... I wanna be saved.

Fred,

While I am but a young man, I have endured the horrors of the Catholic church - a very scary place for a lithe, well-built young male endowed by the Creator. Oh the stories I could tell - but I would not share them here because there are, after all, innocent women that aren't smart enough to know when to stop reading (it's a female thing). Wow, am I glad to have been born a man. Well, a boy, actually, but now I'm a man, but you knew that because you are also a man.

Sometimes I am not terribly astute and I mix my words but I assure you that one word I always get right is the Word of God. His Holy Bible has fashioned my life since I turned away from papism after discovering the favorite church of Jesus: Landover Baptist. Truly there is no other megachurch that has the seal of approval of the Baby Jesus.

I have developed quite a prayer life after being saved and re-baptized. Often, the LORD speaks to me in my time with Him, and today He gave me a message for you. I will try my best to relate it to you and since I wrote it down as it came to me, I can quote: "Please tell this man to get out of West Virginia. There are many people that serve me there - albeit most of them are inbred and toothless - but this man needs to leave and move to a more Godly place. Alas, there are few places like that, but IF HE TITHES TO MY CHURCH and IF HE FOLLOWS EVERY WORD OF MY PRECIOUS BIBLE, I will lead him to a better place. He must devote himself to prayer and fasting and not give in to desires of the F-L-E-S-H. (sorry ladies). All this will happen, for I AM THE LORD."

Well, I fell on my face weeping and praising Jesus for his oralization (I got a bloody nose but it will stop eventually). Christ will NOT fail you. (Joshua 1:5)

Oh my brother, how I long to get on my knees before Jesus and offer you to Him in a prayer of protection, since He is our protector. (1 Samuel 2:2) You can't find anything holier than our Heavenly Father.

Well, I will look forward to worshiping with you and having fellowship with you here on these forums. Learn much and pray more - you are in a safe haven of loving and giving people. Do not worry about your past, for there are others here that have sinned in similar ways. Our Brother Billy Bob has endured abominable experiences on his road to the Nazarene, our loving Lord Jesus Christ. Just read some of his threads and you'll think your past was easy. He would be a good mentor for you.

COME LORD JESUS,
BrotherLarry

**Fred Hall** · 08-15-2015, 07:40 PM

Re: Hi... I wanna be saved.

Originally posted by Elmer G. White View Post

Dear Friend, we have seen too many initially friendly people turn out to be catholics or agnostics in disguise. Thus, we have to be careful. You are at the moment under investigation.

Your scrutiny has just begun...

Yours in Christ,

Elmer

Thanks for the warning dear brother... you never can be too sure, as those catlicks and godless agnostics homers sure do come here quite a bit as tares amongst the wheat (Matt 13:24-30), and as wolves in sheep's clothing (Matt 7:15).

But when them fellers read the bible, since they're blind by Satan, they cannot discern the spiritual truths (2 Cor 4:3-4), as they're not guided with their Jesus goggles.....the holy spirit.

So let me prove something to you...

See, just this morning I was sitting on the toilet again and I started reading from my KJV-1611, when the holy spirit opened my eyes to an age old mystery and sacred secret, namely: "Which came first? The hen, or the egg?"

I had just started reading my KJV-1611 for the first time ever with my Jesus goggles on, when I read over Genesis 1:25 - "And God made the beast of the earth after his kind, and cattle after their kind, and every thing that creepeth upon the earth after his kind: and God saw that it was good." Immediately I felt the holy spirit work upon me... and then as if being slapped right dab smack in the face, it came to me all of a sudden... the answer to the long held mystery from the beginning of time... and that answer is:

Neither! The ROOSTER came first!

You see, when God was creating everything, he did it much the same as when he created Adam. He made the male of the species first.

So at first God made the rooster, and seen the little feller clucking around down there, probably trying to hump ducks, crows, and other birds he saw.... just screetchin' away "any-cock'll-do!... any-cock'll-do!" So God took pity on the poor little critter, him being all alone by himself and queer and stuff. Then God put the little feller into a deep sleep.... and that's right... he took his rib from him when he was sleeping, and formed a hen from it! So when the little vermin woke up he saw the hen and fell right in love with it right then and there... and the species has been making eggs which hatch into little chickens ever since!

Now if that right there ain't divine wisdom and understanding that could only come from Jesus himself... then I don't know what is!

Now no catlick (they don't read the bible) or filthy agnostic (spiritually blind) could ever come up with something like that. That right there is proof that Jesus has opened my eyes to see the bible as only a True Christian™ can... and I hope you accept this witness I give. Praise Jesus!

**James Hutchins** · 08-15-2015, 08:53 PM

Re: Hi... I wanna be saved.

Originally posted by Fred Hall View Post

OK, I've read all that John told me to read, and I'm in the process of contacting Cookie to set up a generous tithing plan. Indeed, I do accept Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior... I want to be baptized. So where do I go to get baptized? Is there a home 'do-it-yourself' method of doing it? Or should I book a flight to go to Freehold to get baptized?

Frederick, if only it were that simple, all of humanity would be Saved(c).

First, you have to prove your devotion to God and a Pastor. This can take thousands upon thousands hours of close and turgid work. You must lay your entire soul spread and exposed, allowing God to penetrate you and release His Thick Love deep in the darkest recesses of your being, ensuring complete submission.

It is not like 'Instant Gratification in a Can' where all you have to do is 'pop the top' and Jesus Pringles pour out.

As far as 'booking a flight to Freehold', that is not possible. Freehold does not allow (shudder the concept) 'commercial flights'. All planes are private and the airspace, tightly controlled. Furthermore, the UnSaved are UnWelcome(c) and unless you are a True Christian(tm), you will not be allowed to approach the community, let alone, even peer through the security fencing.

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Hi... I wanna be saved.

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