Hello, This Is My First Computer

[Herman Periwinkle]

To Whom It May Concern,

I have used a typewriter to compose correspondence ever since I can remember. Several folks insisted I fellowship here online, so they got me a computer and a JesOS Net account. I am very grateful.

Most of you see me every Sunday, Wednesday, Monday afternoon, and every second Thursday night as your faithful usher for Pastor Ezekiel's wonderful services and other lesser worship programs. As a snake toucher, I think I've touched every Landover boy's snake more than once. I also enjoy tasting their poison when the opportunity strikes.

As a boy, growing up in Freehold was a blessing. There are so many snakes here, it's hard to chase them all down, so I've developed a technique to bring them to me. You may have heard me out late at night whistling into the wind near the brushes. When you hear the call, join me and I will show you how snake touching is done.



As a boy, I was never sick for I have been blessed to have known Jesus my whole life. And to those who would choose to be sick, I share my favorite verse-

James 5:15 “Is any sicke among you? let him call for the Elders of the Church, and let them pray ouer him, anointing him with oyle in the Name of the Lord:”

Yours In Christ,
Brother Herman T. Periwinkle

[Faith_Machine]

Re: Hello, This Is My First Computer

Friend, I see that you are a True Christian™, but I have never heard of a Baptist handling snakes before. You haven't been watching Pentecostal preachers on TV or something, have you?

[Herman Periwinkle]

Re: Hello, This Is My First Computer

Penny-Costers are obsessed with snakes. They worship them and talk with them, negotiating with them the way a woman did in Eden. Their cult is nothing but fantasy and delusion, which is why they die so often. Have you ever seen a penny-coster snake dancer with all of his fingers? Of course not.

As a child here in Freehold, there were so many snakes, the boys were sent out to catch them and kill them. As you may have heard, many boys died from the summer of 1939 to 1955 in the swampy areas to the east and the woods to the northwest of the property. During those years, parents learned from the Landover Faith Sciences Institute that the reason their boys died in the fields was due to a faith deficiency, possibly caused by outside influence. As a youngster, I was focused on pleasing God, as all True Christian™ children are. The snakes did God's work in weeding out those boys who were not cut out for God's work. God ALWAYS has a plan.

I'm obviously not the only survivor from that time. The other boys who lived through that are a purer True Christian™ bloodline than ever before by God's little slithering tests of faith. Now as a personal reminder to me that God protects those of faith, I seek out the few remaining snakes around Freehold and put them to God's use, reminding the True Christians™ abroad (like yourself) what the word FAITH means to us all. Praise God!

[Faith_Machine]

Re: Hello, This Is My First Computer

OK, but if I hear anything about you speaking in tongues, I'm calling a pastor and letting him know.

[Youth Minister Harry]

Re: Hello, This Is My First Computer

We are all just so delighted to finally have you on the computer, brother Periwinkle! We knew you'd take to it like a negress to dishwashing. You'll have to excuse Brother Faith Machine. That California sun must be getting the better of him!

On the topic of faith, I was on a camping trip with the boys last month and I accidentally swallowed a hornet. My tongue swole up and made my mouth real tight, and by golly we just had a delightful time with that for the rest of the night! For the record, I lived! Oh boy did I live!

I'm hoping you enjoy your time here and continue to join us in fellowship on God's Favorite Forums™!

[Faith_Machine]

Re: Hello, This Is My First Computer

Harry, you are a real trooper. I heard your mouth was sore for weeks!

[Youth Minister Harry]

Re: Hello, This Is My First Computer

You got that right, Brother Faith Machine! Mouth, lips, throat, the whole works! I still don't have a gag reflex!

[Cranky Old Man]

Re: Hello, This Is My First Computer

Welcome to the Internet my dear brother. I am glad you finally figured out how to switch on your computer. One tip though; if you are not using the computer, switch it off. Those things eat electricity like a negro eats chicken. It cost me a fortune before I figured that out.

On a slightly related note, when can I expect back my shovel? I shot a lot of witches and I need to bury the remains.

[Faith_Machine]

Re: Hello, This Is My First Computer

A word of caution, Herman:

If you should ever find yourself involved in, um, planning a surprise birthday party for your pastor, it's important to note that the senior theological staff at Landover Baptist Church can see everything you do on your JesOS computer.

Everything.

[Herman Periwinkle]

Re: Hello, This Is My First Computer

A word of caution, Herman:

If you should ever find yourself involved in, um, planning a surprise birthday party for your pastor, it's important to note that the senior theological staff at Landover Baptist Church can see everything you do on your JesOS computer.

Everything.

That would explain all of the strange looks I was getting today. My pappy always told me it's best to conduct business in person, so maybe I'll take his advice from now on.

[BrotherLarry]

Re: Hello, This Is My First Computer

Brother Herman,

No homo, but you are certainly a handsome, fashion forward gentleman. The LORD GOD blessed you with charm and a manly frame with which to attract a suitable mate. Always use His gifts with great care, and do not be like those who used their talents for naught.

It is encouraging that you might be able to help with the youth ministries of Landover. I pray fervently that one day I, too, will be able to insert my presence in the daily lives of Freehold's youth. Is it true they are all blonde, muscular, and look a lot like Pastor Flynt? God is so good!

COME LORD JESUS!
BrotherLarry

[Herman Periwinkle]

Re: Hello, This Is My First Computer

Brother Herman,

No homo, but you are certainly a handsome, fashion forward gentleman. The LORD GOD blessed you with charm and a manly frame with which to attract a suitable mate. Always use His gifts with great care, and do not be like those who used their talents for naught.

It is encouraging that you might be able to help with the youth ministries of Landover. I pray fervently that one day I, too, will be able to insert my presence in the daily lives of Freehold's youth. Is it true they are all blonde, muscular, and look a lot like Pastor Flynt? God is so good!

COME LORD JESUS!
BrotherLarry

Thank you for your warm, loving embrace in HeteroChristian™ fellowship. I will tell you the young boys and girls here in Freehold are quite literally God-Sent. The boys are tall, blonde and strong and the girls are eager to please and will immediately submit to any Godly man who would show them guidance or correction in public or private. I am sure you will find the children here delightful and I am praying that your head will one day lay on a Landover Monogrammed Pillow among them here in Freehold.

Since you mention it, I have noticed how many youngsters around here look so much like Pastor Ezekiel Flint. He is truly the finest breed of any man I have seen in person and his physical attributes seem to be miraculously transmitted to every new baby born in Freehold since the good Pastor was about 15 years old. I think it is obvious why. God is clearly passing His miracles to Landover's children through Pastor Ezekiel! Praise GOD!

[Nobar King]

Re: Hello, This Is My First Computer

I would suggest looking for another computer, because your first one isn't going to last forever, and when it crashes, you're going to be really happy to have a second computer ready to go.

You can thank me later.

[Youth Minister Harry]

Re: Hello, This Is My First Computer

I would suggest looking for another computer, because your first one isn't going to last forever, and when it crashes, you're going to be really happy to have a second computer ready to go.

You can thank me later.

You can say THAT again!

[billcipher45 (Quarantined)]

Re: Hello, This Is My First Computer

youth minster harry you are ugly as sin or did you get into a car accident making your face so hideous