Hell-o, You Godless Sinners!

[SONODOG, jr.]

I don't know why I bother, really.

I spent a bit of time away from my solid cherry Prayer Closet(tm) perusing the website belonging to the so-called Church of Landover Baptist. And frankly, what I saw masquerading as the Word of God moved me to disgorge my bowels on more than one occasion. Pity the poor Persian rug, not to mention poor old Mrs Ramirez, but I digress.

I see that the creeping scourge of rampant liberalism has infected every part of the body of Landover Baptist Church. I should probably spew you out of my mouth as one would do a spoiled shrimp or a Presbyterian, but I am moved to mercy, and so I shall stay, in the hope that the Good God Almighty will use me as a Tool of Reproach(tm) and a mighty Instrument of Instruction(patent pending) so that the heathen of Landeover Baptist might come unto repepntance and thus be saved.

Not that I expect any such thing, you'lll all be cast headfirst and squealing into the Hell you all so richly deserve, but you won't be able to say I didn't try, unworthy though you are.

I thus grant you license to gather in my presence. Come forward (not too close), and be recognized.

[Pastor Al E Pistle]

Re: Hell-o, You Godless Sinners!

I don't know why I bother, really.

I spent a bit of time away from my solid cherry Prayer Closet(tm) perusing the website belonging to the so-called Church of Landover Baptist. And frankly, what I saw masquerading as the Word of God moved me to disgorge my bowels on more than one occasion. Pity the poor Persian rug, not to mention poor old Mrs Ramirez, but I digress.

I see that the creeping scourge of rampant liberalism has infected every part of the body of Landover Baptist Church. I should probably spew you out of my mouth as one would do a spoiled shrimp or a Presbyterian, but I am moved to mercy, and so I shall stay, in the hope that the Good God Almighty will use me as a Tool of Reproach(tm) and a mighty Instrument of Instruction(patent pending) so that the heathen of Landeover Baptist might come unto repepntance and thus be saved.

Not that I expect any such thing, you'lll all be cast headfirst and squealing into the Hell you all so richly deserve, but you won't be able to say I didn't try, unworthy though you are.

I thus grant you license to gather in my presence. Come forward (not too close), and be recognized.

Why you pretensive homer! You are nothing more than the Devil's spawn, and probably a Catlick butt-boy as well. Get thee hence, SATAN!

[SONODOG, jr.]

Re: Hell-o, You Godless Sinners!

As I expected, the Chief shepherd of Satan's flock is the first to respond -- and with a Satanic slur, no less!

I CAST THEE OUT, thee servant of the Horned One! I shalt have no TRUCK with thee, or thy Unholy Imprecations! See if I don't Snub Thee at ice cream socials and the like!

Do not call down my Holy Wrath(tm), for I am mickle Powerful and likely to break out into Tongues and describe that magazine you were ogling down at the 7-11 at 11:32 PM last Thursday, PRAISE MY VIDEO CAMERA!

[Virginia Day Templeton]

Re: Hell-o, You Godless Sinners!

Would you care to elaborate on why we are all hellbound sinners? As far as we know, your "Tongues" are nothing more than nigra gibberish or lieberal technobabble.

[SONODOG, jr.]

Re: Hell-o, You Godless Sinners!

I will of course elaborate, Miss Virginia. But sadly, my instructive post will need to wait until tomorrow, for I must now go forth to picket the opening of a secular bookstore.

Unless you should perish during the night and thus be cast into a fiery Hell forever, we shall speak again upon the morrow. I urge you to turn from your sinful ways (you were born female and thus are especially sinful in my eyes as weoll as those of God) and be of a contrite heart and modest dress.

[OnYourKnees]

Re: Hell-o, You Godless Sinners!

I don't know why I bother, really.

<YAMMERING>

Sir -

You come in the door unannounced, spewing forth vile accusations of Liberalism and other attacks upon God's Favorite Church, yet provide no evidence to back them up. You then deign to condescend to us both in your text and in your chosen screen name, which is an affront to God and Jesus.

You claim no surprise that Pastor Al, who has made this ministry his life's work, is offended by your attacks. I am not surprised, either. Rather, I suspect your goal in coming here is simply to upset the good Pastor, rather than joining us in sharing the Word of God and the true nature of God's and Jesus' Plans for humanity.

If you have concerns about Landover Baptist Church, I suggest a different approach. Kindly describe your concerns in a polite and intelligent manner, referencing the particular articles you found so offensive -- hackers do like to post defamatory articles on the site -- along with relevant Scripture. Then we may discuss the issues with you. In this way, we may work to clarify your confused thoughts and soothe your troubled soul.

Perhaps some time with one of Landover's counselors would help you to move past the delusions of grandeur evident in your chosen screen name, that you may truly draw close to Jesus.

YIC

[Arethusa]

Re: Hell-o, You Godless Sinners!

Is there going to be a kind of exorcist duel where Jr and Pastor Pistle do battle, casting out each other's demons?

[SONODOG, jr.]

Re: Hell-o, You Godless Sinners!

How dare you QUESTION MAH AUTHORITAE!

Instead, you should fall to your knees (Psalm 20:8) and THANK ME for bringing Holy Light(tm) in unto your Spiritual Darkness (Isiah 60:2)!

Have you not pondered the Word, which in Deuteronomy 14:7 proclaims: "...as the camel, and the hare, and the coney: for they chew the cud, but divide not the hoof."

You, Sir or Madam, DIVIDE NOT THE HOOF!

For you, like unto the coney, cheweth the FILTHY CUD OF SIN! Yea, ye chews it and chews it and GRINS THE WHOLE TIME!

Fie, vile CONEY of SATAN!

I am come to see you SPIT OUT THAT UNHOLY CUD and DIVIDE THY SATANIC HOOF!

Now get thee in the Book(tm) and READ!

[SalvationSeeker]

Re: Hell-o, You Godless Sinners!

Do you know what happens to those who mocks and rejects God allmighty, you little homer?

That whosoever would not seek the LORD God of Israel should be put to death, whether small or great, whether man or woman.
2 Chronicles 15:13

Jesus is not amused with your silly jokes and stupid soutpark impressions, and neither are we.
Get on your knees and REPENT!

[Pastor Isaac Peters]

Re: Hell-o, You Godless Sinners!

Get on your knees and REPENT!

I don't know whether the silly heathen is familiar with the concept of repentance, although I'm sure that getting on his knees is second nature for him.

[SONODOG, jr.]

Re: Hell-o, You Godless Sinners!

I shall neither BOW MY KNEE nor CAST DOWN MINE EYES at the boorish imprecations of the Sin-a-GOG of SATAN to which you both belong!

Rather, I shall gird my LOINS as did Job (Job 38:3, which is a Book of the Bible and I feel led to point this out given that you are SINNERS bereft of the HOLY SPIRIT) and do righteous battle with you, until EVERY TONGUE -- yea, even YOURS, Salvation UnSeeker and OnYourKnees, (Isiah 45:23) SHALL CONFESS THAT JESUS CHRIST IS LORD!


You are right about one thing, SalvationSeeker. JESUS IS NOT AMUSED! He is not amused by your misspelling of 'South Park' as 'soutpark,' He is not amused by the SIN in your life, and he is most decidedly NOT AMUSED about the LUST IN YOUR HEART for our own dear Betty Bowers!

REPENT THYSELF wayward Hellbound SINNER or suffer the eternal FIRES and the torments of a thousand thousand demons, who shalt rend thy flesh, pull thy teeth, and make thee wear white shoes AFTER LABOR DAY for all eternity!

[Pastor Al E Pistle]

Re: Hell-o, You Godless Sinners!

Fie, vile CONEY of SATAN!

What an extraordinary performance! This person seems to be obsessed with coneys. Possibly he is a hare krishna.

[SONODOG, jr.]

Re: Hell-o, You Godless Sinners!

I am neither bald nor in an airport, oh Pastor of Perdition! But I find it telling that you would post concerning a Godless heathen false religion and not mention a SINGLE WORD from the Word of God, such as:

Isiah 36:12 But Rabshakeh said, Hath my master sent me to thy master and to thee to speak these words? hath he not sent me to the men that sit upon the wall, that they may eat their own dung, and drink their own piss with you?

RABBIT OF DAMNATION!

[SalvationSeeker]

Re: Hell-o, You Godless Sinners!

I shall neither BOW MY KNEE nor CAST DOWN MINE EYES at the boorish imprecations of the Sin-a-GOG of SATAN to which you both belong!

EVERY KNEE SHALL BEND BEFORE GOD ALLMIGHTY, HOMER, AND I WILL PERSONALLY BEND YOURS IF I MUST!
PRAISE GOD!

Rather, I shall gird my LOINS as did Job (Job 38:3, which is a Book of the Bible and I feel led to point this out given that you are SINNERS bereft of the HOLY SPIRIT) and do righteous battle with you, until EVERY TONGUE -- yea, even YOURS, Salvation UnSeeker and OnYourKnees, (Isiah 45:23) SHALL CONFESS THAT JESUS CHRIST IS LORD!

You do not fool me, you son of the devil!
God knows your heart, and He will JUDGE and SENTENCE YOU to EVERLASTING FIRE!

Thou believest that there is one God; thou doest well: the devils also believe, and tremble.
James 2:19

You are right about one thing, SalvationSeeker. JESUS IS NOT AMUSED! He is not amused by your misspelling of 'South Park' as 'soutpark,' He is not amused by the SIN in your life, and he is most decidedly NOT AMUSED about the LUST IN YOUR HEART for our own dear Betty Bowers!

The spelling of satanic gibberish does not concern me.
And your baseless accusations and persecution only proves that I live as Jesus intended!

I KNOW that the world (you, controlled by satan!) hate Jesus and us, His followers, and all the morals we stand for.
And I KNOW that all who wants to live Godly in Jesus Christ will suffer persecution!

Get thee hence, mocker! Son of the devil!
I rebuke you, in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ!

REPENT THYSELF wayward Hellbound SINNER or suffer the eternal FIRES and the torments of a thousand thousand demons, who shalt rend thy flesh, pull thy teeth, and make thee wear white shoes AFTER LABOR DAY for all eternity!

Listen here you little mocker, we aren't amused, and if you keep this up YOU WILL DIE AND BURN IN HELL!
Jesus will see to it, Praise God!

[SONODOG, jr.]

Re: Hell-o, You Godless Sinners!

Get thee hence, thee scion of a cross-eyed Moabite, lest I call down Holy Fire from Heaven upon thee, and thy house, and even unto eight-tenths of thy cattle, and yea, thy ten-speed bicycle!