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  • RighteouslyBetter
    Unsaved trash
    Under Investigation
    • Dec 2008
    • 4

    #1

    Pleasantries and Salutations

    Hello, True Believers! I have been following the ministry of the Landover Baptist Church for sometime now. It has ever been a blessing and led me away from the evils of the "gay-lifestyle". I will share my story, but be warned. It is not for the faint of heart.

    My roommate, Jon (RighteouslyRepaired) and myself (Byron), through the glory of LBC, stood naked before the Lord and washed ourselves together in the blood of the Lamb! We called out loudly to him, "OH GOD! COME! COME INTO US! YES! ENTER ME NOW!" Jesus responded.

    Here's where it gets terrible. That terrible burning lust that drove us into the clutches of Satan even had us convinced for a time that our love was for each other, rather than for the church and for Christ. We even, at one time, had a sham "marriage" in a state where they sinfully endorsed SODOMY by allowing queers to enter into the sacred institution that is matrimony. I know, it's terrible.

    I think we really hit bottom when we started doing yard work, gardening and cooking TOGETHER instead of procuring a woman to do so for us. It wasn't long before Satan took notice and drove us to the ultimate BLASHPEMY, as aforementioned, we called each other "spouse" for nearly 10 years. But things would soon change.

    Now, thanks to the man-love of the LORD, we have been healed! The perverse longings that for so long pervaded our lives, like white picket fences, and adopting a child and filing taxes jointly have at last left us. Now, we stand on street corners, downtown in the gay district with painted posters (with lots of glitter and ribbon so they'll be noticable), touting the 100% conversion rate of JESUS!

    Now, we're "Roomies-in-Jesus", spreading the reparative gospel and the joys heterosexuality to all the sodomites we can encounter. And we owe much of our success to LBC.

    PRAISE BE!!!
    It is fundamentally imperative that all good soldiers of Christ rise up with stones in hand in this age of debauchery and rid our world of these SATAN LOVERS (especially the GAYS) or we will never know the Lord's piece. His justice is SWIFT and BIG and HARD. And we have to CRAVE it! We have to want it throbbing inside us! PRAY for the Lord to come into you and he will remove the blight of homosexual passions as he has for me and my roommate!
  • Nobar King
    Municipal Code Archivist - Deuteronomy 28:58
    Christ's Guardian
    True Christian™
    • Sep 2007
    • 23748

    #2
    Re: Pleasantries and Salutations

    Welcome, Brother RB. The story you tell is truly disturbing, but also shows the glory and influence Jesus Christ has had in your life. He has set you on the righteous path to becoming a real American man.

    What steps have you taken to assure that these indiscretions will not repeat? Do the two of you say a daily affirmation with each other?

    Also, I'd like to commend you for taking a moment to write your introduction to us so clearly. Your readers appreciate the effort.
    May you be a blessing to every life you touch.

    Comment

    • Pastor Isaac Peters
      Senior Pastor
      Ex-liberal; converted to True Christianity™
      Always Biblically correct
      True Christian™
      • Sep 2006
      • 10639

      #3
      Re: Pleasantries and Salutations

      What are your favorite verses from the King James Bible?
      This church is dedicated to preaching True Christianity™ and the King James Bible exactly as they are, with no alterations to make them more politically correct for modern liberals. If you think that we've misquoted or twisted Scripture or quoted any verse out of context, please explain in detail how we've done so. Otherwise, if what you read on this site offends you, then you're offended by Almighty God and His Word, not by us.

      Questions to ask liberal "Christians"Things that the Bible doesn't sayTolerance

      sigpic

      Comment

      • Eugene Hackwith
        Farmer for Christ™
        True Christian™
        • Jan 2008
        • 736

        #4
        Re: Pleasantries and Salutations

        Praise! It is so good to see that there is still hope for some of these homers out there. It is so reassuring to see that you and your roommate have seen the light of the Lord after sinking so deeply into those wicked perversions.
        A baby is a human being, not a stem cell!

        Psalm 139:19-20
        Surely thou wilt slay the wicked, O God: depart from me therefore, ye bloody men.
        For they speak against thee wickedly, and thine enemies take thy name in vain.

        Comment

        • Pastor Al E Pistle
          Christ's Cōnsiliārius
           
          • Sep 2006
          • 9323

          #5
          Re: Pleasantries and Salutations

          Do you have the AIDS?
          Emeritus Professor of the Christ Jesus Chair of Theology at Landover Baptist University.
          "God loves you. Let us arrange for you to meet Him".
          Break their teeth, O God, in their mouth.--Psalms 58:6


          Comment

          • RighteouslyBetter
            Unsaved trash
            Under Investigation
            • Dec 2008
            • 4

            #6
            Re: Pleasantries and Salutations

            Originally posted by Pastor Isaac Peters View Post
            What are your favorite verses from the King James Bible?
            Pastor,
            I personally have quite a bit of fondness for some of the passages that have inspired me in my dealings with women. It has been difficult for me to know what to do with one other than cut and color her hair.

            Also, it was the Holy Book that led me to quit my job. I was a Hospice Nurse for many years until I realized that nursing is for women!

            Some of the inspiring verses that have helped me to better understand the Lords will regarding my interaction with women have been:

            Judges 21:10-24
            Numbers 31:7-18
            Deuteronomy 20:10-14
            Deuteronomy 22:28-29
            Deuteronomy 22:23-24 and so on....

            My favorite however is:

            "Give not thy strength unto women, nor thy ways to that which destroyeth kings."

            These verses and many others have helped me to develop a deep understanding of God's will in such matters. As such I am working seven years and saving every penny so as to be able to purchase my very first wife!

            I know Jesus is proud.
            It is fundamentally imperative that all good soldiers of Christ rise up with stones in hand in this age of debauchery and rid our world of these SATAN LOVERS (especially the GAYS) or we will never know the Lord's piece. His justice is SWIFT and BIG and HARD. And we have to CRAVE it! We have to want it throbbing inside us! PRAY for the Lord to come into you and he will remove the blight of homosexual passions as he has for me and my roommate!

            Comment

            • Nobar King
              Municipal Code Archivist - Deuteronomy 28:58
              Christ's Guardian
              True Christian™
              • Sep 2007
              • 23748

              #7
              Re: Pleasantries and Salutations

              Do you think you could pick an avatar that doesn't mock Jesus? We're all just normal people, here.
              May you be a blessing to every life you touch.

              Comment

              • RighteouslyBetter
                Unsaved trash
                Under Investigation
                • Dec 2008
                • 4

                #8
                Re: Pleasantries and Salutations

                Originally posted by Pastor Al E Pistle View Post
                Do you have the AIDS?
                No, Paster Al E Pistle, thankfully the Blood of Jesus cannot be infected and so washing oneself in the Blood of the Lamb doesn't carry with it the risk of such blood born pathogens.

                Thankfully my roomate and myself, having been adopted by Satan at a very young age, never sinned in such an atrocious way with anyone but each other.

                These are tough questions to answer, but Jesus has called me to get on my knees! He's called me to cling to his robes and admire the light of heaven shinning off his anglo-white skin and be healed. The sparkle in his heavenly blue eyes inspires me to great length.
                It is fundamentally imperative that all good soldiers of Christ rise up with stones in hand in this age of debauchery and rid our world of these SATAN LOVERS (especially the GAYS) or we will never know the Lord's piece. His justice is SWIFT and BIG and HARD. And we have to CRAVE it! We have to want it throbbing inside us! PRAY for the Lord to come into you and he will remove the blight of homosexual passions as he has for me and my roommate!

                Comment

                • Mistress Cookie
                  Petite pearl of Baptist womanhood
                  True Christian™
                  • Jul 2008
                  • 6790

                  #9
                  Re: Pleasantries and Salutations

                  It is with misty eyes that I write this.

                  Whether you two shall be Chosen by our Pastors to become full members of Their flock remains to be a seen, but the fact that you've both turned from The Lifestyle and now treasure, AND LIVE, the teachings of Our Lord and Savor is deeply moving.

                  I love a happy ending!

                  Welcome, you bonny boys. Welcome.

                  Comment

                  • Capt. Aaron Portway
                    One of the Lord's Airborne Rangers
                    Salvation from Above
                    God's Favorite Pilot™
                    True Christian™
                    • Sep 2008
                    • 6309

                    #10
                    Re: Pleasantries and Salutations

                    Praise and Glory! Our first double-homer conversion! This is just more proof that the white-hot, healing love of Jesus has far more power than the carnal, sweaty, homer-lust power of Satan!

                    I assume you're both courting virgin Christian women as we speak?
                    sigpic


                    Winging our Way Across the World for The Lord!



                    God Bless John Boehner and God Bless the Grand Old Party!



                    Barack Hussein Obama is not My President!!!

                    Comment

                    • Pastor Ezekiel
                      Putting the "stud" back in Bible Study
                       
                      • Sep 2006
                      • 78556

                      #11
                      Re: Pleasantries and Salutations

                      Welcome, righteous brothers. I'm not sure which one of you I'm speaking to, but in any event we appreciate hearing your testimony. It all sounds revolting and painful very uplifting.

                      I hope you'll read through the many threads here on God's favorite forum and take them to heart. You might want to start with THIS thread for newbies.

                      Once we get your preliminary DOF report, you might find folks a bit more friendly. We don't want to catch the AIDS off you nancyboys.
                      Who Will Jesus Damn?

                      Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:

                      Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)

                      Need Pastoral Advice? Contact me privately at PastorEzekiel@landoverbaptist.net TODAY!!

                      Comment

                      • Mistress Cookie
                        Petite pearl of Baptist womanhood
                        True Christian™
                        • Jul 2008
                        • 6790

                        #12
                        Re: Pleasantries and Salutations

                        Originally posted by Pastor Ezekiel View Post
                        Once we get your preliminary DOF report, you might find folks a bit more friendly. We don't want to catch the AIDS off you nancyboys.
                        It is true that the aids virus can lie dormant and undetected in the avowed homosexual for decades without presenting itself. There are many many ways even we, as True Christians™ can catch it, so don't think you're out of the woods quite yet. This is my loving, Christian warning to you.

                        I would urge you both to continue to avoid, even in your THOUGHTS, the "people, places and things" associated with your past lifestyle choice, as these things can trigger manifestation of the death-ease.

                        While your files are going through security clearance, I will pray that even if you do not find shelter here amongst us True Christians™, you will find peace in some other place.

                        Perhaps it would be best for the pair of you to live alone and isolated from society until announcements are made, lest you tempt and infect others, or others tempt and infect you? I'm just thinking out loud here.

                        2nd Thessalonians 3:6 Now we command you, brethren, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, that ye withdraw yourselves from every brother that walketh disorderly, and not after the tradition which he received of us.

                        Comment

                        • Mrs. Rogers
                          compassion personified
                          True Christian™
                          • Sep 2006
                          • 2692

                          #13
                          Re: Pleasantries and Salutations

                          Originally posted by RighteouslyBetter View Post
                          the Blood of Jesus cannot be infected and so washing oneself in the Blood of the Lamb doesn't carry with it the risk of such blood born pathogens.
                          It would seem the LORD has blessed you with a fine scientific mind; calculating and steely, awash with Christian logic. Praise!
                          True Christians are Perfect!

                          Signs that you belong to a FALSE Christian Church.

                          Persecution You Have Endured for CHRIST: what doesn't kill you makes you stronger in Christ.

                          For True Christians™ only: please send me Project Habakkuk updates at gertruderogers@landoverbaptist.net. Thank you.

                          Comment

                          • Pastor Al E Pistle
                            Christ's Cōnsiliārius
                             
                            • Sep 2006
                            • 9323

                            #14
                            Re: Pleasantries and Salutations

                            Originally posted by Mrs. Rogers View Post
                            It would seem the LORD has blessed you with a fine scientific mind; calculating and steely, awash with Christian logic. Praise!
                            Who are you and what did you do with GODLY Mrs. Rogers?
                            Emeritus Professor of the Christ Jesus Chair of Theology at Landover Baptist University.
                            "God loves you. Let us arrange for you to meet Him".
                            Break their teeth, O God, in their mouth.--Psalms 58:6


                            Comment

                            • Mrs. Rogers
                              compassion personified
                              True Christian™
                              • Sep 2006
                              • 2692

                              #15
                              Re: Pleasantries and Salutations

                              Originally posted by Pastor Al E Pistle View Post
                              what did you do with GODLY Mrs. Rogers?
                              A heck of a lot more than you did, if memory serves. Why, pray tell, are you the only person on the board sporting a purple username? It's rather fetching -- I have some pansies in the garden the very same colour.
                              True Christians are Perfect!

                              Signs that you belong to a FALSE Christian Church.

                              Persecution You Have Endured for CHRIST: what doesn't kill you makes you stronger in Christ.

                              For True Christians™ only: please send me Project Habakkuk updates at gertruderogers@landoverbaptist.net. Thank you.

                              Comment

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