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Hallelujah
Friends,
I have been away from the forum so long, and I see so many new names here, that I feel it is only proper to introduce myself again.
Some of you might not be aware of the reason for my prolonged absence from the forums, but -- Praise the Lord! -- I am out on parole now. There were some good Christian folk on the parole board, and they were sympathetic to my side of the story. Unfortunately, the restraining order still stands, and I'm no longer allowed to own firearms. My wife, on the other hand, has quite the collection of firearms
.
I'll start my reintroduction by repeating my testimony. I used to be a fornicating, dope-smoking, angry-at-God type atheist, into demon-worship, witchcraft, crystals, Mormonism, astrology, astronomy, evolution, and any other way I could think of to spit in God's eyes every chance I got. I was so smug, and I thought I knew everything. I thought no preacher-man was ever going to tell me any different.
One day, I figured I could make God really mad by attending a big atheist rally in Washington, DC. There were dozens of us there -- probably every atheist in the whole country -- all sharing a hotel room and having a huge drug-fueled orgy all in the name of the Horned God (and we all know who that is, don't we?)
However, as nasty and rotten a wretch as I was, the Holy Spirit was looking out for me that weekend. I had the good fortune to witness Landover's own Pastor Deacon Fred deliver a sermon to us. Jesus was speaking through him, I just know it. I could feel the stone around my heart melt away, and I could feel the Holy Spirit convicting me of my sins. I want you to know that I tearfully knelt down right in front of all of my atheist buddies, and I accepted Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior right then and there, amen. I emptied my pockets into the good Pastor's collection plate and wrote out an IOU for the balance, and I was Saved. Praise be to God!
That was many years ago, and I have come a long way since then. Now I am the head pastor at Hellfire and Brimstone Baptist Church in the foothills of North Carolina. We are a small country church, but we are about the only place around where a person can get saved, praise Jesus. I know that Jesus is proud to have our little church as a beacon of light in an otherwise dark area, amen. There's so many Methodists and Jeehovy Witnesses and Presbyeterians and Pentycostals around here all making Jesus sick with there shenanigans. Some of these folks even drink and listen to "rock music".
It was good to finally be back behind the pulpit this Sunday. By the time I finished my sermon, there was neither a dry eye nor an unsaved soul in the house. Our junior pastor did a fine job while I was away, but his sermons just aren't as fiery as mine, and he doesn't work up a sweat like I do delivering the sermon.
I am looking forward to witnessing to the seekers who come to this forum, and to rebuking the troublemakers.
Your friend in Christ,
Pastor Billy-Reuben
I have been away from the forum so long, and I see so many new names here, that I feel it is only proper to introduce myself again.
Some of you might not be aware of the reason for my prolonged absence from the forums, but -- Praise the Lord! -- I am out on parole now. There were some good Christian folk on the parole board, and they were sympathetic to my side of the story. Unfortunately, the restraining order still stands, and I'm no longer allowed to own firearms. My wife, on the other hand, has quite the collection of firearms
.I'll start my reintroduction by repeating my testimony. I used to be a fornicating, dope-smoking, angry-at-God type atheist, into demon-worship, witchcraft, crystals, Mormonism, astrology, astronomy, evolution, and any other way I could think of to spit in God's eyes every chance I got. I was so smug, and I thought I knew everything. I thought no preacher-man was ever going to tell me any different.
One day, I figured I could make God really mad by attending a big atheist rally in Washington, DC. There were dozens of us there -- probably every atheist in the whole country -- all sharing a hotel room and having a huge drug-fueled orgy all in the name of the Horned God (and we all know who that is, don't we?)
However, as nasty and rotten a wretch as I was, the Holy Spirit was looking out for me that weekend. I had the good fortune to witness Landover's own Pastor Deacon Fred deliver a sermon to us. Jesus was speaking through him, I just know it. I could feel the stone around my heart melt away, and I could feel the Holy Spirit convicting me of my sins. I want you to know that I tearfully knelt down right in front of all of my atheist buddies, and I accepted Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior right then and there, amen. I emptied my pockets into the good Pastor's collection plate and wrote out an IOU for the balance, and I was Saved. Praise be to God!
That was many years ago, and I have come a long way since then. Now I am the head pastor at Hellfire and Brimstone Baptist Church in the foothills of North Carolina. We are a small country church, but we are about the only place around where a person can get saved, praise Jesus. I know that Jesus is proud to have our little church as a beacon of light in an otherwise dark area, amen. There's so many Methodists and Jeehovy Witnesses and Presbyeterians and Pentycostals around here all making Jesus sick with there shenanigans. Some of these folks even drink and listen to "rock music".
It was good to finally be back behind the pulpit this Sunday. By the time I finished my sermon, there was neither a dry eye nor an unsaved soul in the house. Our junior pastor did a fine job while I was away, but his sermons just aren't as fiery as mine, and he doesn't work up a sweat like I do delivering the sermon.
I am looking forward to witnessing to the seekers who come to this forum, and to rebuking the troublemakers.
Your friend in Christ,
Pastor Billy-Reuben
Trump / Arpaio 2016 -- The Government We Deserve 
ve, Sister Thumper
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