Class Warrior has some questions

[ClassWarrior]

I know this is off topic, but I was kinda checking out the Who Would Jesus Damn? stuff, just to see how far off I am from getting the recognition I deserve. I imagine somebody else has already asked this question, but how many of those e.g., fornicator, thieves, drunkards, whoremongers, idolators, etc., does a person have to accomplish to get damned by Jesus? That's a pretty long list, so I 'spect it would take a lot longer than one lifetime to get to all of them. I'm 62 and started very young, but I haven't even scratched the surface. Is there extra credit for extensive service in any one category, like, say, whoremongering or drunkards? Is there any way to get a special dispensation to advance faster? I imagine I ain't gonna last much longer, what with all the damage to my body from some of the stuff I've done in progressing this far. Any tips from you, Pastor Ezekiel, or any other experienced hands would be appreciated.

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Re: Class Warrior has some questions

Dear Smartalecky Godmocker:

I moved your snary post into the introducrtion forum in the hope that you might explain yourself. Please tell us about yourself, and why you hate Jesus. What possessed you to waltz into a Christian forum and start spewing hatred right off the bat?

If you'd like to find out more about Landover Baptist Church, please read THIS thread created especially for new posters.

If you have a question, use the "search" function before posting it. Most likely it is being discussed somewhere on this Godly forum. Please don't waste God's precious bandwidth.

You will keep a respectful tongue in your head whenever addressing your betters, which includes all True Christians™. Failure to do so, or any attempt at inciting debate or mockery of God's Divine Plan, can and will result in the suspension of your posting privileges.

Your rights on this forum are listed HERE. If you feel that any of these rights have been violated, please don't hesitate to contact a Pastor at once.

[Nobar King]

Re: Class Warrior has some questions

If you're going to post questions, can you please use the number list to make it easier for us?

[Pastor Isaac Peters]

Re: Class Warrior has some questions

I don't think you'll have to expend any effort at all to be damned by Jesus personally.

[Jo Freddie]

Re: Class Warrior has some questions

I know this is off topic, but I was kinda checking out the Who Would Jesus Damn? stuff, just to see how far off I am from getting the recognition I deserve. I imagine somebody else has already asked this question, but how many of those e.g., fornicator, thieves, drunkards, whoremongers, idolators, etc., does a person have to accomplish to get damned by Jesus? That's a pretty long list, so I 'spect it would take a lot longer than one lifetime to get to all of them. I'm 62 and started very young, but I haven't even scratched the surface. Is there extra credit for extensive service in any one category, like, say, whoremongering or drunkards? Is there any way to get a special dispensation to advance faster? I imagine I ain't gonna last much longer, what with all the damage to my body from some of the stuff I've done in progressing this far. Any tips from you, Pastor Ezekiel, or any other experienced hands would be appreciated.

You are looking in the wrong place for your answers, jesus is just a part of their imaginary friend, is you want to find out what is instore in the after live this should help.

Muellers I
a letter to the Macaronians

20 It is most troubling to me, however, to see that there is argument among you that some sort of separate Hell,
21 where those not of The Faith in Our Lord Glob may be thought to go upon their death.
22 No, verily no!
23 This is not the way of His Great Tastiness.
24 He may be most peevish toward the non-believer, t'is true, as the many accounts of His pranks do demonstrate.
25 He condemneth not, however, any of His Creatures to eternal torment
26 that is one of the many great sillinesses devised by other earthly religions!
27 There is a place in Heaven, though not necessarily pleasant, for all His Creatures.

28 Well-meaning non-believers will arrive as wait-staff, with fair labor conditions,
29 and may eventually be promoted into upper management positions.
30 There will exist, however, no corruption among them.
31 During their time off, they will have access to the pleasures of Heaven if they did harm unto no one.
32 If they were inconsiderate, or broke the Flimsy Moral Standards by judging others and holding others in contempt for behavior which was none of their business, they will have to pay, and be limited in what they can enjoy.
33 Especially nasty people will become the dishwashers and trash-collectors of Heaven.

34 Those who have committed great sin, crime, and harm during their time among the living will find their job assignments especially nasty,
35 their wages insultingly low,
36 their benefits almost non-existent,
37 their time off especially short,
38 their beer flat,
39 their strippers homely,
40 and their pasta cold and flavorless.
41 They will have no room for advancement for many millennia.

42 Lastly are those who did irreparable large-scale harm to the lives of others; they will be treated most harshly.
43 The tyrants, the conquerors, the despots, the otherwise greedy and sickeningly unfair; all these will be made to bow down to those whom they harmed.
44 Though they will not boil in eternal torment, there will be no end to their subservience.
45 Our Heavenly Glob instilled in them the same sense of right and wrong that He gave to others,
46 and these people willfully chose to ignore it.
47 For them, unkindness in return awaits.

48 The Flying Spaghetti Monster who is Our Lord did not create us that we might simply then be condemned for failing to believe in Him.
49 What kind of crazy scheme is that;
50 to bestow his Creatures with life, then to throw that life he bestowed into eternal torment?
51 That is the way of evil deities, not good ones.
52 Our One Who Flies and is Saucy understands that life among beings with free will, on a planet with natural systems that cause tumult, and Scientifically Intelligently Designed by a deity who is prankish and can be peevish, should not end in eternal misery.
53 That's insane.
54 What kind of fool would believe such a being worthy of worship?

I think you will find that makes a lot more sense then the KJV1611 Book of Fairy tales.

[ClassWarrior]

Re: Class Warrior has some questions

Geez Maneez, Pastor Ezekiel, I warn't dissin' nobody. I became born again in a Baptist Church in Misery, er, Missouri when I was eight years old and have been struggling ever since. I admit I'm an over-achiever in some of the categories mentioned and should have distributed my efforts more evenly. I'm only trying to gain favor with Jesus and get to heven the only way I know how. All have sinned and come short of the gory of God, as the Bible says. They is talkin' 'bout me. You can check out an email I sent to Pastor Harry a couple of months ago if you wish, to ensure the sincerity of my questions. I humbly beg your forgiveness if I have in eny way insluted anybody, fer true.

[BelieverInGod]

Re: Class Warrior has some questions

Couldn't you trolls go to summer camp or something? I'm truly sorry that your parents don't have time for you, I'm truly sorry that your mommy loves her career more than she loves you (no I don't believe your age). I'm truly sorry that you don't know who your daddy is.

Perhaps you could spend the summer reading the KJV Bible and getting closer to Jesus. You can go into any independent Baptist church and get one for free.

[ClassWarrior]

Re: Class Warrior has some questions

I would like to thank Pastor Isaacs Peter for his endorsement of my efforts in being recognized by Jesus personally. I am proud, I say, proud to have at least one ally in this wonderful Jasus minded church. Thank you, pastor!

[ClassWarrior]

Re: Class Warrior has some questions

BellieverInGod, my mommy is in Heaven and my daddy is in Hell, mostly because he couldn't cut it in church with all them hypocrites. Anyway, they "said" he was going to Hell, but maybe he is in Heaven with mom, for all I know. I hate to say it, but he'd probably rather be in Hell, the way my ma used to rag on him all the time. I tell ya, she makes Betty Bowers look like a novice. She had a day named after her in the church, and sat in the same pew for thirty-five years, bless her heart. I forgive you for your blasphemy, 'cause I know the Lord is watching over her. I'll be praying for you, count on it, so watch your sixes, if you know what I mean.

[Levi Jones]

Re: Class Warrior has some questions

All have sinned and come short of the gory of God, as the Bible says.

Indeed, the Bible does say that in Romans, but after salvation, we are a new creature in Christ. Read my sermon on why True Christians are Perfect.

[Brother Harold Porter]

Re: Class Warrior has some questions

Class Warrior has some questions

Is Class Warrior having an out of body experience (LSD trip) and thus needs to refer to himself in the third person?

Get the chemical dependancy resolved first and then we'll save your heathen soul.

Yours in Christ!

[Levi Jones]

Re: Class Warrior has some questions

so watch your sixes, if you know what I mean.

Is that a threat?

[ClassWarrior]

Re: Class Warrior has some questions

As to the OBE, not at the moment, but in times past I have indeed ascended into infinity. Once while I was there I threw all the furniture into the swimming pool, applied for SSI (and got it), watched I Love Lucy reruns for three days straight without stopping, received accolades from several of the lesser known angels, not to mention sensuous kisses from a whole bunch of foxy Mary-worshipin’ saints. I'd go back, too, but things ain't like they used to be, if you get my drift.

You kinda lost me on the third person thing. Maybe you’re having visions or hearing voices? I used to hear voices, then I discovered my lovely and talented spouse was planting recordings all around the house to fool me. Did the voices tell you I am a representative of pharmaceutical companies? Do you have the AUTHORITY to save my already saved heathen soul? Just askin’.

[Nobar King]

Re: Class Warrior has some questions

You kinda lost me on the third person thing.

You kinda lost me at the original post. What is going on in this thread?

[ClassWarrior]

Re: Class Warrior has some questions

Certainly not! Why ever would I threaten anybody? It simply means that it's difficult to determine what one might have happen when someone is praying for them. For instance, what if God got up from the prayer desk to go wee-wee when my prayer came in and only got part of it? You gotta admit, it's easy to misconstrue what someone is saying to you if you only hear part of it, or maybe a comma gets misplaced or something. It was in your best interest that I was warning you. The Lord works in strange and mysterious ways, wouldn't you agree? If I were to say, for instance, bless brother Pastor Levi, it might get twisted up in the ether to bless Pastor Levi's brother, and you'd miss out on all the blessing and your brother would get yours, instead of you getting what's coming to you. If you didn't get what's coming to you, that would indeed be a shame, wouldn't it? Plus the fact that when I was in my closet playing, the dogs were barking and it was pretty loud, hence hard to hear, since I pray very humbly and quietly, being the humble quiet person that I am. Believe me when I say I am praying for you earnestly to get what you deserve and more, Pastor Levi. Keep the faith!