Help me help my self.

[vulg4r]

I fear I am going to go to hell. You folks are my last chance for salvation. You see I'm 23 years old. According to my calculations, I have masturbated while the good lord watched over me approximately 10616. One time I even stuck a carrot in my anus while I masturbated, it sort of felt good. Sometimes when I'm having protected sex with over 9000 girlfriends I pretend I'm poking jesus in the butt. I'm really not sure what to do anymore. Everything in my life was just kawi until some guys started making trouble in my neighborhood. I tried to talk to my local church, but the guys there refused to talk to me while i was wearing pants, and I have a horrible scar on my leg that I'm really self conscious about, so I run out screaming. I tried praying, but I think I'm doing it wrong. A local heathen told me that I may find salvation in something called battletoads, but when I went to gamestop to ask for it they kicked me out. I even tried consulting with tom green, but it turns out he only has one testicle! God wouldn't allow any decent man to live with one testicle!


So I have no idea what to do now guys. I even found out that the earth was flat, and everything I learned from Stargate is DIRTY piffleING LIE. HELP

Oh and my favoirte scipture from the bible is And god said "Holy piffleing shit, stop using last stand you dirty piffleing mexican noob". And Jewish god retorted "Its totally fair because its been put in the game by the devs. Go back to wow you stupid fag.

theyseemetrollin....

[Felicity]

Re: Help me help my self.

@vulg4r Welcome! I hope we can be friends!

Since you are new here please look at our please read this before posting and our your rights on this forum threads! If you already did that, just do it again. There you can learn that this forum is not about debating or unsaved opinions but about praising Jesus!

[Levi Jones]

Re: Help me help my self.

I fear I am going to go to hell. You folks are my last chance for salvation. You see I'm 23 years old. According to my calculations, I have masturbated while the good lord watched over me approximately 10616. One time I even stuck a carrot in my anus while I masturbated, it sort of felt good. Sometimes when I'm having protected sex with over 9000 girlfriends I pretend I'm poking jesus in the butt. I'm really not sure what to do anymore. Everything in my life was just kawi until some guys started making trouble in my neighborhood. I tried to talk to my local church, but the guys there refused to talk to me while i was wearing pants, and I have a horrible scar on my leg that I'm really self conscious about, so I run out screaming. I tried praying, but I think I'm doing it wrong. A local heathen told me that I may find salvation in something called battletoads, but when I went to gamestop to ask for it they kicked me out. I even tried consulting with tom green, but it turns out he only has one testicle! God wouldn't allow any decent man to live with one testicle!


So I have no idea what to do now guys. I even found out that the earth was flat, and everything I learned from Stargate is DIRTY piffleING LIE. HELP

Oh and my favoirte scipture from the bible is And god said "Holy piffleing shit, stop using last stand you dirty piffleing mexican noob". And Jewish god retorted "Its totally fair because its been put in the game by the devs. Go back to wow you stupid fag.

theyseemetrollin....

Well, aren't you a special little ray of light?

Congratulations for using the most retarded 4chan memes in a single post. I have to deduct a little from your score for not asking if we are mad.

[SayvedByTheLord]

Re: Help me help my self.

I fear I am going to go to hell. You folks are my last chance for salvation. You see I'm 23 years old. According to my calculations, I have masturbated while the good lord watched over me approximately 10616. One time I even stuck a carrot in my anus while I masturbated, it sort of felt good. Sometimes when I'm having protected sex with over 9000 girlfriends I pretend I'm poking jesus in the butt. I'm really not sure what to do anymore. Everything in my life was just kawi until some guys started making trouble in my neighborhood. I tried to talk to my local church, but the guys there refused to talk to me while i was wearing pants, and I have a horrible scar on my leg that I'm really self conscious about, so I run out screaming. I tried praying, but I think I'm doing it wrong. A local heathen told me that I may find salvation in something called battletoads, but when I went to gamestop to ask for it they kicked me out. I even tried consulting with tom green, but it turns out he only has one testicle! God wouldn't allow any decent man to live with one testicle!


So I have no idea what to do now guys. I even found out that the earth was flat, and everything I learned from Stargate is DIRTY piffleING LIE. HELP

Oh and my favoirte scipture from the bible is And god said "Holy piffleing shit, stop using last stand you dirty piffleing mexican noob". And Jewish god retorted "Its totally fair because its been put in the game by the devs. Go back to wow you stupid fag.

theyseemetrollin....

Jesus loves you in spite of your confusion, He is the one who guided you to us.

What is REALLY your favorite scripture ?

What is the most disgusting thing you have ever put in your mouth ?

[Shela Tansper]

Re: Help me help my self.

You have been sent here for a reason, i would like to look into your mind further. Your attraction to carrots could be a link to your obvious psychological problems do you suffer from nightmares containing bugs bunny .

[Jedediah]

Re: Help me help my self.



Are we supposed to be shocked by what you have written?

You cannot even begin to fathom the perversions I wallowed in before I asked Jesus into my heart. But because He died (temporarily) for my sins and because I was receptive to the message of the Gospel, I became washed in His Blood, became free of sin, and today abide in True Christian™ perfection.

You, on the other hand, have nothing better to do than recycle tired, old internet memes for the purpose of mocking Jesus' elect. Lest ye repent, you will regret what you have done here when you stand before the LORD's throne on the Day of Judgment.

Matthew 12:36
But I say unto you, That every idle word that men shall speak, they shall give account thereof in the day of judgment.

[Brother Harold Porter]

Re: Help me help my self.

I fear I am going to go to hell. You folks are my last chance for salvation. You see I'm 23 years old. According to my calculations, I have masturbated while the good lord watched over me approximately 10616.

We'll assume an early puberty at 12. This still means that you have sinfully gratified and sodomized yourself an average of 2.6 times every single day for the past 11 years.

Son, Jesus doesn't suffer fools or liars and we don't either. Your "testimony" is read by some of the most profligate and degenerate ex-masturbators ever tempted by Satan, myself included. Some of my wicked extended sessions of self-sin were so fulfilling of the flesh that more than once every few days or so was more than the body or soul could endure. Your reckless pace is simply unbelievable.

But you can be saved and Jesus will love you if you repent of your sin.

"Flee fornication. Every sin that a man doeth is without the body; but he that committeth fornication sinneth against his own body.

What? know ye not that your body is the temple of the Holy Ghost which is in you, which ye have of God, and ye are not your own?" 1 Corinthians 6:18-19

I left this filthy wickedness in 1986 and will pray that you realize the vile abomonation that you are in the eyes of the Lord. Repent!

In Christ

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Re: Help me help my self.

I fear I am going to go to hell. You folks are my last chance for salvation. You see I'm 23 years old. According to my calculations, I have masturbated while the good lord watched over me approximately 10616. One time I even stuck a carrot in my anus while I masturbated, it sort of felt good. Sometimes when I'm having protected sex with over 9000 girlfriends I pretend I'm poking jesus in the butt. I'm really not sure what to do anymore. Everything in my life was just kawi until some guys started making trouble in my neighborhood. I tried to talk to my local church, but the guys there refused to talk to me while i was wearing pants, and I have a horrible scar on my leg that I'm really self conscious about, so I run out screaming. I tried praying, but I think I'm doing it wrong. A local heathen told me that I may find salvation in something called battletoads, but when I went to gamestop to ask for it they kicked me out. I even tried consulting with tom green, but it turns out he only has one testicle! God wouldn't allow any decent man to live with one testicle!


So I have no idea what to do now guys. I even found out that the earth was flat, and everything I learned from Stargate is DIRTY piffleING LIE. HELP

Oh and my favoirte scipture from the bible is And god said "Holy piffleing shit, stop using last stand you dirty piffleing mexican noob". And Jewish god retorted "Its totally fair because its been put in the game by the devs. Go back to wow you stupid fag.

theyseemetrollin....

Dear Godmocking Whore;

Thank you for taking the time out of your busy schedule of worshiping satan and spreading your legs for anyone with a dollar to post this hateful message. The Holy Bible tells us that we are actually Blessed by your persecution! Thanks for proving that we're right.

Matthew 5:10 Blessed are they which are persecuted for righteousness' sake: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
5:11 Blessed are ye, when men shall revile you, and persecute you, and shall say all manner of evil against you falsely, for my sake.
5:12 Rejoice, and be exceeding glad: for great is your reward in heaven: for so persecuted they the prophets which were before you.

Enjoy hell. I know that Jesus and I can't wait to watch you burn in hell for all eternity. Oh, how we'll laugh at you as you scream in agony! Shout Glory!!

YIC,

--Pastor Ezekiel