Hi everybody! :)

[iChristianGirl93]

My name is Holly and I'm 17 and Christian. I love God and read as much of the bible as I can. My father's been raising me to be the best Christian I can be, and I know my place is at home taking care of the house and the chores. I make a great apple pie btw! My daddy has been reading the stuff on this site and says it is a good place for me to make friends with people like us and to learn other stuff he can't teach me. Anyone who can teach me anything to help me be able to serve our God even better, I would appreciate it dearly! I want to grow into the best Christian woman I can be and learn as much as I can before I turn 18 and my father finds a respectable husband for me so I can make soldiers for the lord! Until then, I just wanted a place to talk to fellow Christians since it does get lonely being home schooled! Although my dad is my best friend besides God. You all seem like really nice people and I'm glad my dad gave me permission to come on here and make friends with all you nice people in the forum!

[Mrs. Mary Whitford]

Re: Hi everybody!

Hello and welcome! It's nice to see a young lady who cares enough about the Lord that she properly gets permission from her father before posting.

[iChristianGirl93]

Re: Hi everybody!

Of course, I always make sure I ask my dad for permission. I don't want to upset him or do anything wrong against God and my dad always knows what's okay. He's so smart.

[Cranky Old Man]

Re: Hi everybody!

Welcome to God's favorite forum!

Why are you not married yet?

[Zechariah Smyth]

Re: Hi everybody!

My name is Holly and I'm 17 and Christian. I love God and read as much of the bible as I can. My father's been raising me to be the best Christian I can be, and I know my place is at home taking care of the house and the chores. I make a great apple pie btw! My daddy has been reading the stuff on this site and says it is a good place for me to make friends with people like us and to learn other stuff he can't teach me. Anyone who can teach me anything to help me be able to serve our God even better, I would appreciate it dearly! I want to grow into the best Christian woman I can be and learn as much as I can before I turn 18 and my father finds a respectable husband for me so I can make soldiers for the lord! Until then, I just wanted a place to talk to fellow Christians since it does get lonely being home schooled! Although my dad is my best friend besides God. You all seem like really nice people and I'm glad my dad gave me permission to come on here and make friends with all you nice people in the forum!

Hi Holly!

What is your favorite Bible verse?

Yours in Christ,

Z. Smyth

[iChristianGirl93]

Re: Hi everybody!

Welcome to God's favorite forum!

Why are you not married yet?

My father didn't want to marry me off right away. I'm his only daughter and therefore I do most of the cleaning that my mom doesn't. I have four brothers as well, but they don't have to do as much of the housework until I am wedded off to my future husband. But they are most definitely not lazy! Their rooms are never dirty and they have learned the Bible even better than I have. They are great Christian soldiers. I turn 18 in September, and my father will have me betrothed then. It's easier to explain anyway in a state full of... Democrats We aren't as lucky to be surrounded by wonderful true-to-God Christian Republicans such as yourselves and the extra time was probably needed to find an actually decent Christian Republican man besides my father hidden in NY.

Hi Holly!

What is your favorite Bible verse?

Yours in Christ,

Z. Smyth

I've always loved the beginning of the book of Genesis because I think it just proves how amazing our God is that he built this entire Earth in seven days. I also like Joshua 24:15:

But if serving the LORD seems undesirable to you, then choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve, whether the gods your forefathers served beyond the River, or the gods of the Amorites, in whose land you are living. But as for me and my household, we will serve the LORD.

You can rest assured in any household I'm a part of, we will be serving the Lord!

Also, I know this is random, but does anyone know some good books (besides my beloved Bible) or movies or tv shows that I can read or watch without being sent into the fiery pits of Hell? My father said if you nice people have any recommendations I can try them (after making sure I double check with him first of course.)

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Re: Hi everybody!

My name is Holly and I'm 17 and Christian. I love God and read as much of the bible as I can. My father's been raising me to be the best Christian I can be, and I know my place is at home taking care of the house and the chores. I make a great apple pie btw! My daddy has been reading the stuff on this site and says it is a good place for me to make friends with people like us and to learn other stuff he can't teach me. Anyone who can teach me anything to help me be able to serve our God even better, I would appreciate it dearly! I want to grow into the best Christian woman I can be and learn as much as I can before I turn 18 and my father finds a respectable husband for me so I can make soldiers for the lord! Until then, I just wanted a place to talk to fellow Christians since it does get lonely being home schooled! Although my dad is my best friend besides God. You all seem like really nice people and I'm glad my dad gave me permission to come on here and make friends with all you nice people in the forum!

Welcome to God's favorite forum. If you'd like to find out more about Landover Baptist Church, please read THIS thread created especially for new posters.

If you have a question, use the "search" function before posting it. Most likely it is being discussed somewhere on this Godly forum. Please don't waste God's precious bandwidth.

You will keep a respectful tongue in your head whenever addressing your betters, which includes all True Christians™. Failure to do so, or any attempt at inciting debate or mockery of God's Divine Plan, can and will result in the suspension of your posting privileges.

Your rights on this forum are listed HERE. If you feel that any of these rights have been violated, please don't hesitate to contact a Pastor at once

[Daddy's Lil JuneBug]

Re: Hi everybody!

Hi Holly! My name's Christina! I'm new here, too!
I was sooo happy to find this place! Everyone has been sooo nice!
I should warn you, though, there are unSaved© people here, too. I've seen atheists, witches, catholics, even muslims! But the pastors here are very nice and tolerate most of the unSaved© trash.
I'm sure you'll love it here! I certainly do! Glory!

[iChristianGirl93]

Re: Hi everybody!

Thank you everyone for being so nice and welcoming me to the forums.
Pastor Ezekiel, thank you for your kindness and posting helpful information to keep me from upsetting anyone in the forums, and knowing what my rules and limitations are.

Christina, are there really witches here? That's terrifying. What are they doing on a Christian forum? Sometimes the disbelievers really are stubborn... But they won't get to me! I'm a good Christian girl.

I hope all the unsaved eventually find Christ and are able to accept them into their hearts. I'm sure everyone here is wonderful and has already converted some of the unsaved. What wonderful Christians there are in this forum! I already told my Dad how nice everyone has been to me and he is happy I have been making friends.

[Alvin]

Re: Hi everybody!

My father didn't want to marry me off right away. I'm his only daughter and therefore I do most of the cleaning that my mom doesn't.
(...)

We aren't as lucky to be surrounded by wonderful true-to-God Christian Republicans such as yourselves and the extra time was probably needed to find an actually decent Christian Republican man besides my father hidden in NY.

Dear Holly,

fear not, child! While I know from own experience that NY can feel like Babylon, you have come to the right place to find a good Christian Man to keep you from the temptations of the mortal flesh with a firm hand and a KJV Bible

Why... if I were already a True Christian™, I would even offer you my own hand in marriage and discipline! You see, God justly smote and punished me for my many transgressions by placing me in Old Europe, far from the Republican shores, and I am praying daily for a way to move back to God's Own Country, even if it has to be to New York. So marrying a Greenca... young, Godly Christian Lady to keep her on the Righteous Path would be a delightful duty for me. Also, having lived in Old Europe, I have been fending off the travesties of secular humanism, rational thinking and socialized healthcare for so long that I am sure I could protect you from the liberal flood that plagues New York.

Luckily, this would be only temporary, as we know what God had in store for Babylon:

Isaiah 13:16-21
16 Their children also shall be dashed to pieces before their eyes; their houses shall be spoiled, and their wives ravished. (...)
19 And Babylon, the glory of kingdoms, the beauty of the Chaldees' excellency, shall be as when God overthrew Sodom and Gomorrah.
20 It shall never be inhabited, neither shall it be dwelt in from generation to generation: neither shall the Arabian pitch tent there; neither shall the shepherds make their fold there.
21 But wild beasts of the desert shall lie there; and their houses shall be full of doleful creatures; and owls shall dwell there, and satyrs shall dance there.

GLORY!

Also, I know this is random, but does anyone know some good books (besides my beloved Bible) or movies or tv shows that I can read or watch without being sent into the fiery pits of Hell? My father said if you nice people have any recommendations I can try them (after making sure I double check with him first of course.)

Oh dear - this shows why it would be unwise for your father to wait until you are 18 to marry you off... that paragraph shows how much Satan has already clouded your mind!

Why on earth would you even want to lay your eyes upon anything other than the KJV 1611 Bible? Especially as a Woman?

1 Timothy 2:11-15
Let the woman learn in silence with all subjection.
But I suffer not a woman to teach, nor to usurp authority over the man, but to be in silence.
For Adam was first formed, then Eve.
And Adam was not deceived, but the woman being deceived was in the transgression.
Notwithstanding she shall be saved in childbearing, if they continue in faith and charity and holiness with sobriety.

So you see - it is a deeply unnatural urge for a woman to desire knowledge - this shows you are in desperate need of a strong guiding Hand to keep your feeble female soul from being tempted by the Great Dragon.

I will only list the following as emergency options if you should ever (may sweet Baby Jesus prevent it!) find yourself without either a KJV of the Bible or a True Christian™ Pastor who can lovingly take you on his lap and fill you with the spirit of JESUS!

The Ten Commandments is an easy pick: The most Godly, Republican NRA Moses ever!

Longitude as an illustration of how a working class Brit conspired with the Royal Navy to spread the ridiculous idea that the Earth was not only spherical in shape, but also revolved around the sun and therefore required a means of determining Longitude at Sea

And maybe Constantine - but I'm a bit cautious about that one: Even though it is a clear victory for Jesus, the Holy Spirit and Automatic Weapons, I am not certain they are using the 1611 KJV, so this movie may actually be Satan's work...


Praise the LORD that he brought you here to God's Own Forum!
YiC,

Alvin

PS: Do you happen know how many shekels your father would sell you off for? If not, have him PM me with his offer!

[iChristianGirl93]

Re: Hi everybody!

Oh, what a wonderful, brave, strong Christian man you must be to be able to survive in such a place as horrible and sinful as Europe! I am sure you would be able to keep me on my Christian path whether we were in NY, Europe, or anywhere. But surely you must agree we should move to Landover where the True Christians™ are and guarantee our salvation in the name of our Lord (pbuh)! If that is okay with you, of course.

Why on earth would you even want to lay your eyes upon anything other than the KJV 1611 Bible? Especially as a Woman?

So you see - it is a deeply unnatural urge for a woman to desire knowledge - this shows you are in desperate need of a strong guiding Hand to keep your feeble female soul from being tempted by the Great Dragon.

You're absolutely right! Sometimes I forget how much guidance I truly need as a woman to be guaranteed my salvation. This is why I need a good Christian man to keep me in check and keep Satan from judging my mind with thoughts of the media. On the bright side, my father said if I don't ask any more silly questions, I can maybe try one of your recommendations. Although that might be a little hard... I can't help myself. I am a woman, sometimes the silly thoughts are bound to come out. This is something I am working very hard on, however, so I don't burden my future husband!

My father said he would be willing to negotiate, especially since he and I seem to agree that you seem like a very nice Christian man, even if you are not yet a True Christian™. He would like to know what you might be willing to pay- lowest and highest possible. (I really hope he decides to sell me to you, I think you seem like a wonderful choice of a future husband. I would love to serve you and make you a happy man and make soldiers of our good Lord for you! )

One more silly question... What is "a Greenca.."?

YiC,
Holly

[Alvin]

Re: Hi everybody!

Oh, what a wonderful, brave, strong Christian man you must be to be able to survive in such a place as horrible and sinful as Europe! I am sure you would be able to keep me on my Christian path whether we were in NY, Europe, or anywhere. But surely you must agree we should move to Landover where the True Christians™ are and guarantee our salvation in the name of our Lord (pbuh)! If that is okay with you, of course.

Dearest Holly,

of course moving to the core of Landover in Freehold, IO, would be the right and righteous path for both of our souls! Just imagine what we could do if all the energy we currently have to spend only to repel the attacks of Satan, rationality and secular humanism in hellholes like NY and Old Europe would be set free to do the Will of God! Not only could we make many Soldiers for Christ, we could even help bring about the apocalypse to speed up the Rapture - or at the very least get stoning reintroduced into secular law for fashion violations!

Leviticus 19:19
Ye shall keep my statutes. Thou shalt not let thy cattle gender with a diverse kind: thou shalt not sow thy field with mingled seed: neither shall a garment mingled of linen and woollen come upon thee.

Deuteronomy 22:11
Thou shalt not wear a garment of divers sorts, as of woollen and linen together.

GLORY - oh, the boundless opportunities!

I must say I am very impressed - for a woman you show unusual wit and wisdom! Hmm. Rather remarkable wit wisdom... I am a actually getting a bit worried. I hope it is only the kind of wit and wisdom unbecoming you as a woman...

1 Timothy 2:11-12
Let the woman learn in silence with all subjection. But I suffer not a woman to teach, nor to usurp authority over the man, but to be in silence.

...for then I am confident with my strict hand I can gently bit firmly beat you back into submission to the Will of God.

But...

I dare almost not think about the other explanation for your wit and wisdom, for it may already have consequences for my tormented soul... what if you are not a Godly Lady at all but a Homer in disguise sent to tempt and entrap me?!

I'm sure you will understand that I have to make sure you are actually a young Godly Christian Lady and not a cross-dresser. So as a gesture of faith, I would appreciate if you PM me some explicit photographic evidence before I start negotiating with your father... submissive poses optional but appreciated. Just to protect both of our eternal souls of course - I'm sure you understand my intentions are most pure

You're absolutely right! Sometimes I forget how much guidance I truly need as a woman to be guaranteed my salvation. This is why I need a good Christian man to keep me in check and keep Satan from judging my mind with thoughts of the media. On the bright side, my father said if I don't ask any more silly questions, I can maybe try one of your recommendations. Although that might be a little hard... I can't help myself. I am a woman, sometimes the silly thoughts are bound to come out. This is something I am working very hard on, however, so I don't burden my future husband!

Ah - you do seem to know your place... so I pray my suspicions above are wrong and the misguided expressions of your wit just an unavoidable consequence of the communist context you have to endure in NY. I do hope we will be in Freehold by summer - joined in holy matrimony in a ceremony by one of the great LBC Pastors.

My father said he would be willing to negotiate, especially since he and I seem to agree that you seem like a very nice Christian man, even if you are not yet a True Christian™. He would like to know what you might be willing to pay- lowest and highest possible. (I really hope he decides to sell me to you, I think you seem like a wonderful choice of a future husband. I would love to serve you and make you a happy man and make soldiers of our good Lord for you! )

Thank you, dear holly, you warm me up from the inside and I can feel the strength of Jesus rising within me. How is your pie, by the way? Do you think I will like it?

I will negotiate with your Father once you PM me high-resolution proof. When we have gotten rid of that tiny bureaucratic step, we should ask one of the Godly Pastors when they would have time in their busy calendars to perform a wedding in Freehold :-)

One more silly question... What is "a Greenca.."?

Aehm, well... mmm... Dearest Holly, you shouldn't trouble your fair and simple mind with such questions... A "Greenca.." is a purely technical term for someone you want marry out of pure love, affection and a Godly desire to produce Soldiers for Christ that is so strong as to put up with the otherwise repulsive act of physical intimacy, without any ulterior motives such as obtaining immigration or work privileges.

YiC,

Alvin